Parent of a pregnant minor

[Xantippe]

It will also be important to get her to an obstetrician if you haven’t already…teen pregnancies are statistically higher risk than adult ones. Your daughter is still growing and yet she must now sustain another life within her, one that will suck away her nutrients and minerals as it sees fit. Not a terribly romantic way to view an unborn baby, but that’s essentially what happens.

She will probably need to take folic acid and other supplements…I’m sure the doctor will advise accordingly.

Yes!

If the medical side of the pregnancy will be a hardship, look into Medicaid eligibility. You may not like the doctors available via Medicaid, but it’s worth checking out. I know a number of doctors do Medicaid for pregnant women who don’t normally accept Medicaid.

 

[fpt]

My 15 year old daughter has gotten herself pregnant and my wife and I are obviously distraught and disgusted. We’ve worked hard to put her through a Catholic school and we are very active in the church, we have provided her with a strong moral foundation and are very disappointed. My wife is absolutely beside herself. Obviously we have cut off all contact between her and the father and are looking into the statutory rape laws in our state, he’s 17. My wife and I are just not in the financial position to take care of another child in addition to the 5 we have with 1 in college which is very expensive. And frankly we refuse to clean up and take responsibility for her indiscretions. She expects her mother to just take care of the baby while she’s off leading the carefree life of a school girl and everything magically falls into place. We’ve gone from gently encouraging her to think about adoption to demanding she contact catholic charities but she is adamant she is keeping the baby. I’ve tried to explain the magnitude of the situation, how her future will be ruined as will the child’s but she is not thinking rationally. We’ve gone over what a wonderful selfless gift this could be to a deserving, stable couple as well as being a gift of a future to her and the child. Her only retort is she may be sad! As the parent of a pregnant minor what rights do I have? May I contact the adoption agency? Can I demand she place the baby for adoption? What can I do (besides pray, obviously we are praying fervently)? :banghead:

In a catholic perspective:

The premarital sex between two consenting adults (the forcination) , in a bedroom or at home (in a private place), does not have to be criminalized or punished by the penal law of State; the forcination between two consenting teenagers (the premarital sex) in a bedroom or at home (in a private place), does not have to be criminalized or punished by the penal law of State; the adultery between two consenting adults in a bedroom or at home, does not have to be criminalized or punished by the penal law of State; the rape on woman by a man, or the rape on woman by a woman, or the rape on man by a woman, or the rape on man by man has to be punished by the penal law of State; the conjugal rape on the wife or on the husband has to be punished by the penal law of State; the sexual violences on a woman or on a man have to be punished by the penal law of State; the sexual acts of pedophilia have to be punished by the penal law of State;

Here, the issue is linked to the legal regime of laws on the statutory rapes??? What is moral or immoral? Those legal regimes can be influenced by the protestant mentalities, and no catholic has to play in their favors . Be prudent and be fair.

About the adoption of her baby, you have to respect her will. By principle, the parents have *no natural right to substitute her vow. She’s the boss. *

In the USA, the Laws are too much polluted by some christian cultures, not very catholic.

Be prudent, be careful, discern, be moral, be fair, be balanced, stay catholic (not more and not less).

 

[Xantippe]

This weekend my daughter will get a crash course in family economics and she will be taking on far more responsibilities around the house to get a taste of what responsible adulthood is all about. There is no doubt in my mind adoption is what is best for this child and I will ensure my daughter sees that.

That’s very good.

 

[fpt]

The laws are obviously in place for a reason, furthermore our actions have consequences. My daughter’s consequence is obviously growing under her t-shirt plus the pain of labor, why should he be free to walk away unscathed?

Do you think that, objectively speaking, your daughter was under the influence of a dangerous teenager? Was she manipulated by him? Why do you want to use a statutory laws of rape??? Do you think that each teenager having consensual sex, with a gap of ages, very near , has to be punished by statutory laws of rape?

Do you want to punish your daughter for this situation, via an almost forced adoption of her baby? From which authority? How? Do you wish punish your daughter because she is pregnant, or because she has had sex, or both?

The consensual sexual act between unmarried persons is morally wrong, but the laws of State do not have to punish those acts: no its business.

Only, the true protection is morally fair. What is it? The statutory laws of rape are not always fair!!!

 

[pianistclare]

"There is no doubt in my mind that adoption is what is good and I will ensure that my daughter sees that."

Really? What’s the old saying …the best laid plans…

I can’t say how much you love your daughter, I can’t say what kind of a father you have been, because obviously this is the internet. No one “knows” you. But we can, to an albeit small degree, infer some qualities from your words:

You sir, sound very controlling, and dogmatic, to the point that I myself am not terribly surprised that she has defied your values in this way. Continuing to post things like this, still shows a tendency to be more concerned with your own feelings and how it will impact you. You obeyed all the rules for a good Catholic, and you are horrified that this happened. As if it’s some kind of cosmic finger pointed at your that says “fail”.
Some things you cannot control. Maybe she will bend to your will. But is that the relationship you really want? A young woman who resents your forcing of what you think would be best based on how it will impact you? Maybe it will be in the baby’s best interest…since you clearly do not want this child. I am inclined to feel like it’s your child we should be worried about. She is the one whose life will be forever changed. She’s a kid. She made an adult decision with a kid’s mind and a kid’s view of what would happen or not happen. You’re still the daddy that matters. Stop thinking of her as a child you can control, or an adult that you can wash your hands of. You can’t have it both ways.
You might very well get the new baby out of your life, but you may also lose your daughter in the deal. It’s not worth it.
Praying for all concerned. There are many loving families waiting for a beautiful baby. But it has to be her decision alone, without pressure or a desire to make mom and dad happy.
Keeping the child does not mean that your life is over, or that everything will be for nothing. We tell young women all the time to keep their children and not to abort them, abandon them or give them away. How easy are those words when they apply to strangers.
Peace.

 

[severus68]

My daughter also became pregnant at 15… I offered her all my support & guidance. After all my duty as her parent was really NOTHING less! After many tears & long discussions, she decided to give her baby up for adoption. This was completely her decision. Morally, I knew it had to be. I felt that no matter how I might feel, coming between a mother & child, was completely wrong. God gave her this life and she would know in her heart the direction He wanted her to take. I supported her throughout the pregnancy & she wanted no contact with the father. His presence, for my daughter, would only have compounded her personal difficulties. Monetary support wasn’t important, this baby was. I was present at the birth & was the first to hold my beautiful grand child. That for me, was heartbreaking as she would be going to a foster home pending adoption the following day. Still it was so important that I see her and hold, if only for a little while. That evening my daughter asked if she could see her just one time. I will never forget them, seated in a rocking chair, my two beautiful kids…
Anyway, the next morning my daughter changed her mind and asked me if she could bring that sweet baby home. She did. We never looked back & that child brought us so much love & blessings. And we love her as only her family can. My daughter studied and became a nurse & my grandbaby is 25 today.
Don’t lose this chance, that for whatever reason, God has given you. He works in mysterious ways. Love this child & give her mother all the help she needs. God bless you.

This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing. You showed your daughter the true love of Christ and confirmed to her that all children are blessings.

 

[Xantippe]

She made an adult decision with a kid’s mind and a kid’s view of what would happen or not happen. You’re still the daddy that matters. Stop thinking of her as a child you can control, or an adult that you can wash your hands of. You can’t have it both ways.
You might very well get the new baby out of your life, but you may also lose your daughter in the deal. It’s not worth it.

Yep.

To do him justice, the OP has not himself taken the “wash your hands” view of things–that’s been some of the CAF posters, but some of the posts do suggest that he believes that he gets to decide that she will do an adoption.

If she decides on adoption (after lots of thought and after thorough research) that’s great, but it’s not fair to put a hand on the scale by making it clear that her life at home will be hell unless she knuckles under and that you will resent every minute of her baby’s presence under your roof–in utero and beyond. (Natural consequences are different. If she keeps the baby, she will have to adjust her lifestyle to accommodate the baby. She won’t get to have a normal high school and college experience, but that’s the price of admission. The OP should not go beyond natural consequences, though.)

 

[fpt]

Absolutely! We are praying constantly, we are consulting with our priest, we will soon be making an appointment for an adoption counselor to come and speak to her and the “baby daddy’s :dts:” parents will be joining us for dinner later this week to discuss the situation further. This weekend my daughter will get a crash course in family economics and she will be taking on far more responsibilities around the house to get a taste of what responsible adulthood is all about.

** “There is no doubt in my mind adoption is what is best for this child and I will ensure my daughter sees that”.** This sentence is very dangerous, in my humble opinion. What are the moral views of your catholic priests? You, her parents have to be very prudent, fair, honest and charitable. You are under the shock, you need to stay reasonable in your speechs and your acts.

*It is morally wrong for parents of wanting to control her pregnant daughter of 15 year old via civil laws of State and or via the penal laws of State. *

In the past time, the union between natural moral laws and the civil / penal laws of State could be morally wrong. Yes, yes, the past has to be purified. We are not muslim, jewish or the other christians. There are two spheres: the moral sphere and the sphere of laws of State: Caesar and God.

Do you know that as parents you will be grandparents. Are you aware of that? Do you want not to know your grand-baby? Do not you want to see your grand-baby? Your grand baby girl or your grand baby boy!!!

 

[maryjk]

Do you know that as parents you will be grandparents. Are you aware of that? Do you want not to know your grand-baby? Do not you want to see your grand-baby? Your grand baby girl or your grand baby boy!!!

So are you against ALL adoptions?

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I don’t agree with how you are going about this situation at all…firstly I understand being disappointed with your daughter, but a parent should never feel disgust! She is your child and to think you are disgusted by her? Yes she has done wrong and now she has to live with her mistake, we all make mistakes, how do you think she feels? Going on a power trip isn’t going to help anyone.

1. they are BOTH minors of similar age and girls are usually more mature than boys anyway. This was not Rape so to try to make it out as such and ruin another minors life is horrendous. It’s also an insult to those girls who do endure the atrocities of rape.
2. you say they are not willing to be able parents and your daughter is expecting you to do all the work, but how do you know? Sounds to me like this hasn’t been a discussion but a demand that the baby is put up for adoption and you have cut all contact with the father. That’s you, not them. Maybe if you sat them down and talked to them this baby could have its natural parents raising them.
3. your daughter may surprise you, many people (unfortunately) have babies young and do wonderful jobs of raising them. They get part time jobs, go to college later and still live a fulfilling life.

Do you have any idea the pain some girls go through who are forced to give up their babies for adoption? instead of making her feel like she is in hell already, help her to confess her sin, repent and live with the consequences. Your her Dad, you should support her.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

However I find it incredibly disheartening that many of the posters here don’t seem to be focusing on the most innocent of all in this situation-the baby!

If you don’t think your family environment is a place for a baby, why do you have 5 kids? You are assuming far too much. You know how your family works, yes it will be hard but the baby could have a wonderful life. How do you know the baby won’t be adopted into an abusive family? Rejected by its “siblings” or it may not be raised catholic? (Ok a bit extreme, but it has happened and I am just trying to make you see things differently)

This will come across as harsh, but you need to make sure you are thinking of the baby and not just trying to get “rid of a problem”

 

[fpt]

So are you against ALL adoptions?

No, of course. **The adoption has to be the ultimate solution. All the other solutions for keeping the baby with her mother have to be searched in the good faith.****The culture of adoption is too much powerful, sometimes, in some cultures. It is so easy. **The moderation in the adoption coming from the official abandon, via the adoption agencies, has to be searched, objectively speaking.

In order to know if the adoption is fair:

What are the deep reasons for this ultimate solution? Social reasons, financial reasons, cultural reasons??? *Are they fair, objective and real? *What are the moral obligations of parents for making the necessary for trying that their daughter keeps the baby with her? The christian culture with full of wrong view on the sexual moral is too much powerful.

 

[maryjk]

If you don’t think your family environment is a place for a baby, why do you have 5 kids? You are assuming far too much. You know how your family works, yes it will be hard but the baby could have a wonderful life. How do you know the baby won’t be adopted into an abusive family? Rejected by its “siblings” or it may not be raised catholic? (Ok a bit extreme, but it has happened and I am just trying to make you see things differently)

This will come across as harsh, but you need to make sure you are thinking of the baby and not just trying to get “rid of a problem”

So are you, like fpt, against all adoption?

 

[Truth_Faith13]

So are you, like fpt, against all adoption?

Are you against all teenagers keeping their children? Even if they could have given their child a wonderful life.

I’m against all FORCED adoption. I’m not against all adoption and I don’t know how you get that from my post anyway, you have to take into consideration the circumstances of each situation. The OP is yet to give a decent reason for the adoption other than assumed incapabilties and willingness yet it’s him who has pushed the father away and hasn’t given his daughter a chance to think it through and decide how she will work it out, just demanded she give the baby up.

For example an actual rape victim may decide to adopt because of the psychological consequences for her. Everyone is different.

The key is the one who is actually pregnant makes the decision and has to deal with the consequences of her mistake. It’s not something daddy can make disappear just because he is disgusted and possibly embarrassed that his daughter is pregnant.

 

[maryjk]

In order to know if the adoption is fair:

What are the deep reasons for this ultimate solution? Social reasons, financial reasons, cultural reasons??? *Are they fair, objective and real? *What are the moral obligations of parents for making the necessary for trying that their daughter keeps the baby with her? The christian culture with full of wrong view on the sexual moral is too much powerful.

If the adoption is fair?

A 15 year old is pregnant. She is not married. She has no means of support, in fact she is still in school. The father is not interested in being a father, in fact, he recommended abortion as a solution.

If this isn’t a case for adoption, I don’t know what is.

(No, I am not saying she should be forced into it. But it is certainly something to talk about.)

 

[fpt]

As parents of your daughter and future grandparents of this baby, your first obligation of means is to try to find out solutions for keeping the baby* in its natural family.* The biological family is the principle, but the adoptive family is and has to stay the exception. In reading the messages of the OP,* no attempt for solving in other ways the issues.*

The fact abandoning a baby is not the rule, is not very natural and is not very good, like first solution. Before all, the baby has to be protect in the body of the mother, then the exterior in staying with the biological family. Only, very difficult situations can justify, morally speaking,* the abandoning in favor of the adoption.*

The paternal moralism, the maternal moralism and the religious bigotry have to be avoided and even be fought.

Do you want to punish your daughter? If yes, why??? What is your job???

Do you want to punish the father? If yes, why??? Is he a rapist???

For the moment, the parents have the obligation is to protect the mother and her baby.

 

[fpt]

If the adoption is fair?

A 15 year old is pregnant. Per se, it is not an issue.

She is not married. Per se, it is not an issue.

She has no means of support, in fact she is still in school. Okay

The father is not interested in being a father, in fact, he recommended abortion as a solution. ** His first reaction in reason of culture of dead, may be he can change. A talk has to take place for trying to change his mind.**

If this isn’t a case for adoption, I don’t know what is.

(No, I am not saying she should be forced into it. But it is certainly something to talk about.)

If she was be forced by her parents, the parents ,the lawyers and the agencies of adoption would be wrong, morally speaking.

 

[maryjk]

Are you against all teenagers keeping their children? Even if they could have given their child a wonderful life.

How exactly can a 15 year old, that is unmarried and unemployed, give their child a wonderful life?

By quitting school? By finding a job? What job could she find? While pregnant? Or with a baby?

Now of course, she could stay at home. But if her parents aren’t interested in helping, what options are there? Or are we to force her parents to help? Do we also force the father’s parents to help?

See, if it were my situation, it would be different. I am a housewife. I am home most of the time. I would allow the girl to move in. I would petition for custody. I would watch the baby during the day. (I wouldn’t allow the father and mother to sleep in the same room.)

But you can’t force someone to feel that way. And you can’t guilt them into it. Because that certainly wouldn’t be a wonderful life for the baby.

 

[fpt]

So are you, like fpt, against all adoption?

The adoption has** to be the ultimate solution**. All the other solutions for keeping the baby with the mother** have to be searched in the good faith.The culture of adoption is too much powerful, sometimes, in some cultures. It is so easy!!! The moderation in the adoption coming from the official abandon, via the adoption agencies, has to be searched, objectively speaking.**

I am not against all the adoptions

 

[Truth_Faith13]

How exactly can a 15 year old, that is unmarried and unemployed, give their child a wonderful life?

By quitting school? By finding a job? What job could she find? While pregnant? Or with a baby?

Now of course, she could stay at home. But if her parents aren’t interested in helping, what options are there? Or are we to force her parents to help? Do we also force the father’s parents to help?

See, if it were my situation, it would be different. I am a housewife. I am home most of the time. I would allow the girl to move in. I would petition for custody. I would watch the baby during the day. (I wouldn’t allow the father and mother to sleep in the same room.)

But you can’t force someone to feel that way. And you can’t guilt them into it. Because that certainly wouldn’t be a wonderful life for the baby.

I’m not arguing that they aren’t excellent questions, and should be asked…but that’s my point…they SHOULD be asked. Unmarried teenage girls HAVE given a child a wonderful life. It HAS been done. Sometimes they do it better!

I don’t see how her being unmarried has anything to do with it, yes it’s the desired situation but how does it effect her keeping the baby? Should divorced mums adopt their kids out?

The problem with the OP, is he is skipping the discussion, taking the decision away from his daughter and making all the decisions.

My approach would be to sit her down, say “you know what kid, you’ve messed up. Mum and I can’t help you financially, you want to keep the baby, fine…let’s see how that will work…”…then proceed to go over possible options…jobs, night school, how much a baby costs etc. This way the girl feels supported and can make a conscious decision based on facts rather than being guilt tripped into a forced adoption by a disgusted father. This way, she may decide adoption would be better, she may not.