Parents role in a situation

[Annie]

But there is something of a difference in ‘letting them be independent’ and telling them that they have to leave the family home.

Yeah, “letting” them be independent means they make the decision of how independent they want to be, and some adult children decide they want to be independent enough to have sex but not independent enough to pay their own way. Seems like a pretty good deal, doesn’t it?

And telling them that they are not the type of person you want to live with.

So when adult children move away from their parents’, are they telling their parents that the parents are not the type of person they want to live with?

Consider this: nice Democrat family has an 18-year-old whom they are supporting through college, and the 18yo decides to become a member of the KKK. Doesn’t do anything at home about it, but goes off to KKK meetings all the time.

What should the parents do?

 

[Wozza]

Wozza:

Nobody said that you would ban them from coming to the house. But you are specifically saying that they are no longer welcome to live there. That she is not the type of person that you want to live with. How anyone could say that that is not a drastic action to take is beyond me.

Again: I say “this is how we live here” and you interpret that as “this is the type of people we are.”

That is the only way in which you can interpret it. ‘I don’t believe one should have sex before marriage. Ever. That is the type of person I am. As opposed to the type of person who accepts is not being a problem in some situations.’

Therefore you would tell your daughter that because she doesn’t see it as a problem she is no longer welcome to treat your house as a home.

That is exactly your position. I don’t know why you’d argue against it. I’m sure some other Catholics would commend you for it. Me? I don’t. But I’m sure that won’t cause you sleepless nights.

 

[Thorolfr]

Consider this: nice Democrat family has an 18-year-old whom they are supporting through college, and the 18yo decides to become a member of the KKK. Doesn’t do anything at home about it, but goes off to KKK meetings all the time.

What should the parents do?

You don’t see any difference between someone who occasionally has premarital sex with her boyfriend and someone who terrorizes black people by burning crosses on their lawns or thinks that they should be lynched?

 

[PetraG]

That is the only way in which you can interpret it.

Well, no, it isn’t, lol. Still, if you can’t imagine another way of seeing the world, there isn’t much of a reason to keep going around in circles about it. This is the way it was in our family, some of us agreed with Mom and Dad and some didn’t, but none of us felt the way you’re describing. We just respected their values and their way of doing things wouldn’t have dreamed of expecting them to change their household to suit us. There was a way that adults acted in their house and that was that. Those of us who felt a need to have different rules for ourselves just moved out sooner rather than later. It wasn’t that hard and it wasn’t a big deal. Living with your parents longer means putting off being the head of your own household. Some choose that because they want that and some choose it because it is better than worse alternatives, but it is a choice. That’s just the way life is.

 

[Jen7]

Living with your parents longer means putting off being the head of your own household.

Exactly. All growing up when I’d disagree with my mom, she’d say “grow up and move out. Then you can do it your way.” So I did. I love it!

 

[PetraG]

You don’t see any difference between someone who occasionally has premarital sex with her boyfriend and someone who terrorizes black people by burning crosses on their lawns or thinks that they should be lynched?

I think some of us have a “follow my moral boundaries or else live somewhere else” but they’re just not willing to admit they do.

Exactly. All growing up when I’d disagree with my mom, she’d say “grow up and move out. Then you can do it your way.” So I did. I love it!

This is what normally happens. I know several people who lived with their parents for a long time after college because everyone was great with the rules at the home place, but it is normal to want to strike out with something a little different, too.

 

[Wozza]

Wozza:

That is the only way in which you can interpret it.

Well, no, it isn’t, lol. Still, if you can’t imagine another way of seeing the world, there isn’t much of a reason to keep going around in circles about it. This is the way it was in our family, some of us agreed with Mom and Dad and some didn’t, but none of us felt the way you’re describing. We just respected their values and their way of doing things wouldn’t have dreamed of expecting them to change their household to suit us. There was a way that adults acted in their house and that was that. Those of us who felt a need to have different rules for ourselves just moved out sooner rather than later. It wasn’t that hard and it wasn’t a big deal. Living with your parents longer means putting off being the head of your own household. Some choose that because they want that and some choose it because it is better than worse alternatives, but it is a choice. That’s just the way life is.

You are misrepresenting your own position. It’s not the case that there has been a choice by the child to leave. You have said that you would actively tell the child to leave. That you consider their moral values to be sufficiently abhorrent that they are no longer to call your house their home.

Again, I fail to see why you are arguing against me saying exactly what you have been posting.

 

[Annie]

Oh, I guess I missed the news about the lynchings and cross-burnings the KKK are committing these days… seems like what most of them do is sit around saying and writing racist stuff

So, if what the KKK chapter the adult child joins is just saying and writing racist stuff?

 

[CRV]

Parents should not be enablers of their children’s bad behavior,

Sometimes a child is enabled to persist in bad behavior precisely because of the support of his parents. If that is the case, the parents become enablers, and the best way they can help the person is to do no more enabling.

Agreed.

Rules are:- a,b,c,d. “If you don’t like my rules or won’t abide by them, then you are free to move out. The choice is yours.” As adults we know that often times we are between a rock and a hard place, but still the choice/decision must be made. And if mature, accept whatever the consequences are from these choices/decisions whether that be good or bad, and if bad, then to carry the cross one fashioned for oneself.

Wrt this child, the parents are supporting this child and this child lives under that parents roof. The parents must not remain silent lest they become an accessory to the childs’ sins ie fornication or possibly drug taking at these “events her parents wouldn’t necessarily love”. It is still the parents job to remind their child of what is right and wrong - the same in any other situation e.g. drive carefully.

Participation in the sins of other people
“8. Silence: There is an old adage that “silent implies consent”. If a person with great authority or moral authority is in a position to stop a sin from happening, and yet stays silent and doesn’t get involved, then that may constitute participation in the sin committed. This is trickier to figure out, but it isn’t rocket science. There may be attendant mitigating circumstances, such as the probable invasion of Vatican City, the capture of the Roman Pontiff and destruction of the Church in many places. In the meanwhile one could work quietly. One cannot, however, do nothing. Another point must be considered: the rules governing fraternal correction. It may not be your place to correct another person, depending on the circumstances.”

Fraternal correction also applies in this case concerning this child who is still living at home.

And I also agree with another posters comment regarding possible pregnancy - all too often neither party is ready for the raising of a child, and it isn’t uncommon for the daughter to move back home with said child. And depending on other circumstances, said child/baby may be deemed to be safer placed under the grandparents care temporarily.

 

[PetraG]

You are misrepresenting your own position. It’s not the case that there has been a choice by the child to leave. You have said that you would actively tell the child to leave. That you consider their moral values to be sufficiently abhorrent that they are no longer to call your house their home.

Again, I fail to see why you are arguing against me saying exactly what you have been posting.

No, I would tell them “this is the way we live at our house.” Then the child would say, “I am not going to live like that.” Then we’d say, “Well, fine, then set up your own house. That’s what adults do when Mom or Dad’s rules don’t work for them any more. Your choice. The rules haven’t changed, this is the way we have always lived here, so don’t act surprised. This is the way we live. Take it or leave it, and no hard feelings. We won’t feel judged if you decide our house isn’t sufficiently open-minded for you.”

It isn’t “our rules, or else.” It is “our house, our rules, period.” What the child decides to do with it if that isn’t acceptable is the child’s choice, because the child is an adult.

The alternative is “well, it may have been your house until now, but now this house is going to change to suit me.” That is not an adult expectation.

 

[Wozza]

Oh, I guess I missed the news about the lynchings and cross-burnings the KKK are committing these days… seems like what most of them do is sit around saying and writing racist stuff

So, if what the KKK chapter the adult child joins is just saying and writing racist stuff?

I’m not sure that you realise that the bullet hole in your foot is self inflicted.

The point which you are making is that we have to evaluate each situation as it arises. That there are no hard and fast rules. That life isn’t black and white. That we have to interpret each situation on its own merits. That a viewpoint that says ‘sex outside marriage is wrong therefore you have to leave home’ is hopelessly rigid and doesn’t allow for a myriad of scenarios.

But I’m not here to change anyone’s mind about it. I’m just interested in the views being expressed.

 

[Thorolfr]

It isn’t “our rules, or else.” It is “our house, our rules, period.” What the child decides to do with it if that isn’t acceptable is the child’s choice, because the child is an adult.

But the child, even if a young adult, is also not very experienced at life and might decide unwisely to move out and drop out of college instead of agreeing to all the house rules. If that happens, they will eventually have a much lower paying job which will have an impact not only on themselves but upon their children (who will be the parents’ grandchildren). That wouldn’t be a good outcome for anyone. But if the parents are willing to compromise a little, the child might have sex with her boyfriend, but will also be able to get a good education and a better job later and they might come around later in life to accept their parents outlook on such matters.

 

[Wozza]

Wozza:

You are misrepresenting your own position. It’s not the case that there has been a choice by the child to leave. You have said that you would actively tell the child to leave. That you consider their moral values to be sufficiently abhorrent that they are no longer to call your house their home.

Again, I fail to see why you are arguing against me saying exactly what you have been posting.

No, I would tell them “this is the way we live at our house.” Then the child would say, “I am not going to live like that.” Then we’d say, "Well, fine, then set up your own house…

In the first instance, you are not telling them that ‘this is the way we live at our house’. You are telling them that you do not want them sleeping with their boyfriend. And if she refuses to change then you tell her to set up her own house.

Now how that cannot be described as telling them to leave the family home is an argument best left for a discussion on semantics.

 

[Wozza]

It isn’t “our rules, or else.”

This I missed.

It is exactly ‘our rules or else’. It is ‘our rules or else…you leave the family home’.

You seem to want to paint your views in nice pastel colours. Those who don’t hold such rigid views see it differently.

 

[Annie]

The point which you are making is that we have to evaluate each situation as it arises

The point that I am making is that each family decides what they will pay for in supporting their adult children. Some would kick their adult children out if they were involved with a group that was saying and writing racist stuff. There have literally been family and friend estrangements due to differences in politics, for example.

That a viewpoint that says ‘sex outside marriage is wrong therefore you have to leave home’ is hopelessly rigid and doesn’t allow for a myriad of scenarios.

People say that to wandering spouses all the time.

And it is not a Catholic rule that every family do this, either. It is simply an option that many of us consider acceptable.

You do not see it as acceptable, and you are trying to change our minds, because you have presented your opinion numerous times in this thread.

But what about the adult child who joins a non-violent but racist group? What about the adult child who abused substances outside the home?

For the parents who have the rule not to have sex as long as we are supporting you, there are no myriad scenarios which justify breaking that rule. You just don’t like the rule, but there are probably rules you would be ok with.

 

[PetraG]

This I missed.

It is exactly ‘our rules or else’. It is ‘our rules or else…you leave the family home’.

You seem to want to paint your views in nice pastel colours. Those who don’t hold such rigid views see it differently.

I think you just have to be raised to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, including the world of your parents. If you want to make the decisions for your household, start your own household.

Why is this so hard? It would not have occurred to me to make this kind of demands on other adults, including my parents or any of my other relatives.

 

[Jen7]

But the child, even if a young adult, is also not very experienced at life and might decide unwisely to move out and drop out of college instead of agreeing to all the house rules. If that happens, they will eventually have a much lower paying job which will have an impact not only on themselves but upon their children (who will be the parents’ grandchildren). That wouldn’t be a good outcome for anyone. But if the parents are willing to compromise a little, the child might have sex with her boyfriend, but will also be able to get a good education and a better job later and they might come around later in life to accept their parents outlook on such matters.

This is something I feel the OP alluded to earlier as well. Essentially it sounds to me like “well, mom and dad, if you don’t want to risk me making lifelong choices we all agree are bad… then we need to compromise. Let me make choices YOU think are bad but I don’t… to enable me to make choices we all think are good. Um?? I don’t think that’s going to persuade the parents!

The thing is, too, premarital sex is not exactly just a fun night out on the town. If the gal gets pregnant she can’t easily finish her education either. So it’s asking the parents to make compromises for the girl’s education… but what is she giving up for her education? Nothing that I see. It’s her folk’s money & she’s not even willing to postpone the risk of pregnancy for her education. Why should her parents care more about her education than she does?!

 

[Thorolfr]

Why should her parents care more about her education than she does?!

Because the parents are hopefully wiser and more experienced and would realize that young people sometimes do things that are impetuous and impulsive and unwise from a longer perspective. They would hopefully love their child enough to allow them to make what they believe are some mistakes and not be too hard on them.

 

[Jen7]

Because the parents are hopefully wiser and more experienced and would realize that young people sometimes do things that are impetuous and impulsive and unwise from a longer perspective.

I am curious: do you think there’s an age when she’s adult enough to not get slack for being “less wise”? I truly wonder. Because the parents will always be older and wise. But at some point the baby bird has simply got to fly.

 

[Thorolfr]

Thorolfr:

Because the parents are hopefully wiser and more experienced and would realize that young people sometimes do things that are impetuous and impulsive and unwise from a longer perspective.

I am curious: do you think there’s an age when she’s adult enough to not get slack for being “less wise”? I truly wonder. Because the parents will always be older and wise. But at some point the baby bird has simply got to fly.

From what I’ve read, the brain does not reach maturity until about the age of 25. So until then, young people are indeed more likely to do impetuous things.