Pastor and DRE refusing FHC to homeschooled child

[Allegra]

Well, sometimes it’s not just sports and the like; it’s family time, too.

We have a long ways to go before we need worry about this, but at our church, as with many, sacramental prep is separate from regular faith formation classes. FF classes are offered Sunday morning and various weekday evenings, and you register for whichever day fits your schedule best. Fair enough; it’s a huge parish, so they can offer lots of different times, and we really appreciate that!

What we don’t appreciate is that the year that a child makes his or her First Communion, the child and a parent are required to attend an additional sacramental prep session for a year prior. This session is held only on Sunday evenings. This effectively means that Sunday family dinner is impossible for almost a year (FF runs September-May) if you have a kid preparing for First Communion, and means that it’s one more evening that the family doesn’t get to spend together. If you have several small kids, it’s generally dad who attends with the first communicant, and you can bet that it leaves mom feeling pretty resentful that not only are her Sunday dinner plans wrecked, but she has yet another evening during the week when she’s kid-wrangling solo leading up to bedtime.

We love our parish in general; it’s very warm and family-friendly, and the priests and nearly all the staff are wonderful. That setup gives me pause, however, and it’s something we’ll have to take into consideration in a few years when DD’s preparing for her First Communion. We’re planning on homeschooling, but would like her to be a part of the FF classes at the parish for all sorts of reasons. Cancelling Sunday family dinner for a year, though, is a pretty stiff price to pay.

Between my husband’s two jobs, Sunday afternoon and evening is literally the ONLY substantial time that we have together as a family. If my parish required this, we’d definitely parish hop.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know if you realize how angry you sound towards pianistclare, nor do I understand why.

I’m not angry at her, and I apologize if I sound that way. I am irritated at the implication that it means “so much for the parish family” when a parish picks one single time out of a hat, makes an ongoing commitment to that one single meeting time the pre-requisite for receiving the Sacrament of Confirmation, and then finds that a family here or there decided to go to a nearby parish that had picked a different time out of a hat so their student could both receive the Sacrament and continue an activity to which she had devoted years of practice. Our parish is very near to two or three other parishes, this happens, and it is not unexpected. The parishes purposefully choose different times, in order to accommodate as many who are seeking to be prepared for the Sacrament as possible.

When my husband and I got married, we chose our wedding date and quipped, “When you get married during elk season, you find out who your friends are…that is, your friends are people who don’t schedule their wedding on a Saturday during elk season.” We made sure to find out when elk season was and chose a different time that would be better for the men in the family, for whom elk hunting is an annual ritual. We knew, as I am sure that you knew, that no matter what day we chose, we’d have friends and relatives who could not make it to our wedding. We did not say, “so much for your relationship with us,” but understood that sometimes it is impossible to be in two places at once.

IOW, “so much for the parish family” goes both ways. You can’t accommodate everyone, fair enough, but don’t take it personally when someone finds a way to accommodate their schedule without you.

 

[Eponine1]

They are favoring public school students in the situation described in the OP. They should treat public school students and homeschooled students equally.

Actually, in our parish, the religious ed classes are for students in the parish Catholic school, public school students, and homeschoolers.

Regardless, all students, regardless of method of education/catechesis, would ideally be treated the same in terms of being welcomed and included.

 

[EasterJoy]

**I don’t know. Why don’t you ask their pastor? I have no idea. I can only state what my Archdiocese requires, which I have. **

As I explained, I don’t know why you’d conclude that someone who changed parishes in order to find a situation that accommodated both their daughter’s preparation for Confirmation and an activity she was devoted was some reason to say, “so much for the parish family.”

If the parents didn’t care about finding a place their daughter *could *prepare for confirmation, then why change parishes at all? Just don’t go to confirmation prep meetings in your parish, just the same as you won’t be going to them while at the next parish over.

As I said, we regularly have parishioners who do their sacramental prep at a neighboring parish because they have prep classes on a different night than our parish does. It is nothing to take personally and no reason to make rash judgments about the families who do it.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, sometimes it’s not just sports and the like; it’s family time, too.

We have a long ways to go before we need worry about this, but at our church, as with many, sacramental prep is separate from regular faith formation classes. FF classes are offered Sunday morning and various weekday evenings, and you register for whichever day fits your schedule best. Fair enough; it’s a huge parish, so they can offer lots of different times, and we really appreciate that!

What we don’t appreciate is that the year that a child makes his or her First Communion, the child and a parent are required to attend an additional sacramental prep session for a year prior. This session is held only on Sunday evenings. This effectively means that Sunday family dinner is impossible for almost a year (FF runs September-May) if you have a kid preparing for First Communion, and means that it’s one more evening that the family doesn’t get to spend together. If you have several small kids, it’s generally dad who attends with the first communicant, and you can bet that it leaves mom feeling pretty resentful that not only are her Sunday dinner plans wrecked, but she has yet another evening during the week when she’s kid-wrangling solo leading up to bedtime.

We love our parish in general; it’s very warm and family-friendly, and the priests and nearly all the staff are wonderful. That setup gives me pause, however, and it’s something we’ll have to take into consideration in a few years when DD’s preparing for her First Communion. We’re planning on homeschooling, but would like her to be a part of the FF classes at the parish for all sorts of reasons. Cancelling Sunday family dinner for a year, though, is a pretty stiff price to pay.

A whole year for parents is excessive.
We have them go to 2 classes which they LOVE. The Deacons and I teach the classes.
I don’t agree with a whole year of prep for parents, but I suppose one could say that a Pastor might think it necessary given all the many misconceptions people have…we see it here on CAF all the time. Endless questions about things that we all think people should know already. CAF is sort of a hothouse for people who are pretty well catechized and then those who barely know their faith. These ancillary requirements come from the Bishops for the most part. Speak with your pastor and and ask him why the parents have to go for a full year.c It would interesting to know his thinking on this.

This is one of the many reasons why next year, we are going to Whole Family Catechesis. To make RE not the GAH! that it is for families with multiple children, and to help them work their faith into their daily lives throughout the month. Sac Prep remains the same though. The Archbishop is pretty clear on that.

 

[mommy_k]

Op-I have seen other families at times go to the diocese on matters that are similar-and form this I can tell you that the diocese usually backs up the pastor to run his parish the way he chooses. To go against this is setting yourself up to be looked upon one of those familes that cannot submit to church authority.in very serious cases- I would go to the diocese, for this-I don’t think I would.

This is my thinking:
FHC is about a Holy Sacrament, and the lessons we teach our children about the proper disposition to receive. It is not about who sits in the first pew, who has the most family there, or if a child participate with a class or not. The big picture has to be looked at.

I hope everything is resolved for you and your child.

 

[pianistclare]

Op-I have seen other families at times go to the diocese on matters that are similar-and form this I can tell you that the diocese usually backs up the pastor to run his parish the way he chooses. To go against this is setting yourself up to be looked upon one of those familes that cannot submit to church authority.in very serious cases- I would go to the diocese, for this-I don’t think I would.

This is my thinking:
FHC is about a Holy Sacrament, and the lessons we teach our children about the proper disposition to receive. It is not about who sits in the first pew, who has the most family there, or if a child participate with a class or not. The big picture has to be looked at.

I hope everything is resolved for you and your child.

Quite right.

 

[jlc2k2]

Op-I have seen other families at times go to the diocese on matters that are similar-and form this I can tell you that the diocese usually backs up the pastor to run his parish the way he chooses. To go against this is setting yourself up to be looked upon one of those familes that cannot submit to church authority.in very serious cases- I would go to the diocese, for this-I don’t think I would.

This is my thinking:
FHC is about a Holy Sacrament, and the lessons we teach our children about the proper disposition to receive. It is not about who sits in the first pew, who has the most family there, or if a child participate with a class or not. The big picture has to be looked at.

I hope everything is resolved for you and your child.

Perhaps this was clarified and I missed it but from the OP it doesn’t sound like this is only a matter of not receiving the sacrament with a class but a matter of not receiving the sacrament AT ALL. Should a parent just not care that their child is not to receive First Holy Communion?

And as for public school versus homeschool - my kids attend/will attend public school for their education but my current plans are to do as much FF at home as possible because that is what works for our family. So that’s an arbitrary distinction.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Perhaps this was clarified and I missed it but from the OP it doesn’t sound like this is only a matter of not receiving the sacrament with a class but a matter of not receiving the sacrament AT ALL. Should a parent just not care that their child is not to receive First Holy Communion?

They don’t need permission for the child to receive his first holy communion. If a child is properly disposed then he will not be turned away from the Eucharist.

I went through a similar issue with our parish. They don’t allow homeschooling for sacramental prep, no excuses or exceptions made. If you don’t complete the classes as a community, you don’t receive with a class. We ended up moving and receiving at another parish that did allow home preparation so I never did test the limits of the policy. At the end of the day it is probably easier to change parishes rather than test the authority of your pastor. His parish, his rules.

 

[pianistclare]

Perhaps this was clarified and I missed it but from the OP it doesn’t sound like this is only a matter of not receiving the sacrament with a class but a matter of not receiving the sacrament AT ALL. Should a parent just not care that their child is not to receive First Holy Communion?


I didn’t get that.
At any rate, whichever it is, anyone choosing to do homeschool RE should make sure their pastor and DRE are in the loop to avoid any unforeseen difficulties. It’s just a good practice. We’re not adversaries. The DRE’s are there to HELP parents, who are the first educators in the faith. And again, most Diocese’ prefer mandate Sacramental Prep be done at the parish. It behooves everyone to be well versed in the requirements, and perhaps even to send a follow-up letter to the pastor saying " To reiterate the plan for <insert child’s name here> blah blah blah. And copy the DRE. Sometimes even they are out of the loop between Pastors and parents.

 

[pianistclare]

They don’t need permission for the child to receive his first holy communion. If a child is properly disposed then he will not be turned away from the Eucharist.

I went through a similar issue with our parish. They don’t allow homeschooling for sacramental prep, no excuses or exceptions made. If you don’t complete the classes as a community, you don’t receive with a class. We ended up moving and receiving at another parish that did allow home preparation so I never did test the limits of the policy. At the end of the day it is probably easier to change parishes rather than test the authority of your pastor. His parish, his rules.

Each Bishop has his own guidelines.

 

[jlc2k2]

They don’t need permission for the child to receive his first holy communion. If a child is properly disposed then he will not be turned away from the Eucharist.

I went through a similar issue with our parish. They don’t allow homeschooling for sacramental prep, no excuses or exceptions made. If you don’t complete the classes as a community, you don’t receive with a class. We ended up moving and receiving at another parish that did allow home preparation so I never did test the limits of the policy. At the end of the day it is probably easier to change parishes rather than test the authority of your pastor. His parish, his rules.

Thank you for clarifying the forest point for me!

 

[jlc2k2]

jlc2k2;13838777:

Perhaps this was clarified and I missed it but from the OP it doesn’t sound like this is only a matter of not receiving the sacrament with a class but a matter of not receiving the sacrament AT ALL. Should a parent just not care that their child is not to receive First Holy Communion?


I didn’t get that.
At any rate, whichever it is, anyone choosing to do homeschool RE should make sure their pastor and DRE are in the loop to avoid any unforeseen difficulties. It’s just a good practice. We’re not adversaries. The DRE’s are there to HELP parents, who are the first educators in the faith. And again, most Diocese’ prefer mandate Sacramental Prep be done at the parish. It behooves everyone to be well versed in the requirements, and perhaps even to send a follow-up letter to the pastor saying " To reiterate the plan for <insert child’s name here> blah blah blah. And copy the DRE. Sometimes even they are out of the loop between Pastors and parents.

I didn’t realize that the child could just go take communion without going through the ceremony. I was assuming that the pastor was essentially refusing to give communion because the OP was planning to go to another parish (far away) to ensure that it was received.

And I’m not trying to or planning to be contentious with my parish’s DRE. We have a very robust program for completing FF at home. Sacramental prep does require a little more on site attendence but it’s not overwhelming.

 

[pianistclare]

pianistclare;13838793:

I didn’t realize that the child could just go take communion without going through the ceremony. I was assuming that the pastor was essentially refusing to give communion because the OP was planning to go to another parish (far away) to ensure that it was received.

And I’m not trying to or planning to be contentious with my parish’s DRE. We have a very robust program for completing FF at home. Sacramental prep does require a little more on site attendence but it’s not overwhelming.

Well, things happen.
If a child misses fro whatever reason the “official” First Communion mass around here, our Pastor makes it another big day, like the feast of Corpus Christi, for example. Something to make the date memorable for the family, and make the parish aware of the child’s joy.
Keeping to what the Pastors and Bishops say is paramount though…because that child will need some “official” record, Certificate, or notation on the Baptismal record for subsequent Sacraments, like Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders…hopefully.

 

[jlc2k2]

jlc2k2;13838826:

Well, things happen.
If a child misses fro whatever reason the “official” First Communion mass around here, our Pastor makes it another big day, like the feast of Corpus Christi, for example. Something to make the date memorable for the family, and make the parish aware of the child’s joy.
Keeping to what the Pastors and Bishops say is paramount though…because that child will need some “official” record, Certificate, or notation on the Baptismal record for subsequent Sacraments, like Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders…hopefully.

I’m confused and believe we are talking past each other at this point. The OP is not in a situation where things just happened and her child will miss it. The OP thought she was following the guidelines as laid out by her diocese and her parish.

I just don’t see this as the OP wanting some social benefit as implied in mommy k’s post. She’s right that FHC isn’t about who has the most people there, etc. It’s about the sacrament that the OP’s priest has said her child cannot receive.

 

[pianistclare]

pianistclare;13838831:

I’m confused and believe we are talking past each other at this point. The OP is not in a situation where things just happened and her child will miss it. The OP thought she was following the guidelines as laid out by her diocese and her parish.

I just don’t see this as the OP wanting some social benefit as implied in mommy k’s post. She’s right that FHC isn’t about who has the most people there, etc. It’s about the sacrament that the OP’s priest has said her child cannot receive.

Perhaps we are talking past each other.
I seriously doubt that the priest is denying a Sacrament.
There’s no way.
As I said way upthread: There’s more to this story.
Something is amiss somehow.

 

[jlc2k2]

jlc2k2;13838875:

Perhaps we are talking past each other.
I seriously doubt that the priest is denying a Sacrament.
There’s no way.
As I said way upthread: There’s more to this story.
Something is amiss somehow.

But if this is just about going through the ceremony with the class (which is the sentiment I was originally responding to), why would the OP be so willing to go to another parish for it? I agree that something seems amiss. I’m guessing there is a misunderstanding/miscommunication at the root of this.

But I don’t think that a miscommunication should prevent a child who is ready from receiving a sacrament.

 

[PJM]

Our pastor and DRE have told us that because we have homeschooled our son for his Sacraments, he may not receive his First Communion with the rest of the class in our parish. Oddly enough, they did “authorize” him to attend both the First Reconciliation and First Communion retreats and participate in the First Reconciliation service with all the other children in the parish religious ed program, so he can do 3/4 of the events. (This pastor/DRE have refused to enable a homeschooled teen to be confirmed this year as well)

We have followed the Archdiocesan policies regarding religious education in the home, notified the DRE of our intentions, met twice with our pastor, communicated with the Office of Faith Formation to glean advice, offered to make our son available to the pastor for an assessment of his knowledge, and provided to our DRE/pastor a list of materials we are using with our child, including those on the Archdiocesan-approved list.

This decision doesn’t appear to be in keeping with the policies of our Archdiocese which state, “Parish sacramental programs need to make provisions for including the parents who home school in the planning of the sacraments. Children who are home schooled also need to be included in the actual celebration” and “The resurgence of home schooling calls forth-new approaches from those in catechetical leadership. In recognition of this vital and vibrant area of education, it is important that parents and their children feel invited, welcomed, wanted, and included in all pastoral and sacramental activities and ministries of the parish.”

Meanwhile, the DRE posts bulletin announcements and photos of first communicants but will not include the name of our child, because he doesn’t attend the weekly RE classes (which are chaotic to say the least). Our child probably doesn’t notice these things, but as a mother, I find them hurtful.

We have been respectful throughout this process, but due to the disregard for us as our child’s primary educators, lack of pertinent communication, a clear bias against homeschoolers, and the absence of inclusivity that has led us to find a priest elsewhere, willing and eager to administer the Sacrament of the Eucharist to our son. When we travel to the midwest in two weeks, a priest there has cheerfully and eagerly agreed to confer this Sacrament on our child. What a blessing, and yet, sadness too, that our home parish is not more receptive or informed about homeschooling for religious education.

Not sure that I have a question, although I am writing to our Archbishop about this, but if anyone has insight or advice, I’d welcome it!

Truly sorry to hear this.

Here’s what your avenue of regress is:

Write a letter to the Bishops office detailing:[the contact information is available on-line]

[1] **Briefly **[dates and to whom you spoke & the topics of discussion]

[2] What you have offered to do [make your child available for “testing-interview by the parish”] And that you have fully adhered to the Diocese program for HS- Faith-formation

[3] Ask for assistance from THEM

[4] CC both he pastor and the DRE

[5] Give FULL contact information

Name, Address, phone and e-mail [if you have it]

God BLESS you and your family!

Patrick

;

 

[Eponine1]

Can you please share more about the whole family catechesis?

 

[pianistclare]

pianistclare;13838892:

But if this is just about going through the ceremony with the class (which is the sentiment I was originally responding to), why would the OP be so willing to go to another parish for it? I agree that something seems amiss. I’m guessing there is a misunderstanding/miscommunication at the root of this.

But I don’t think that a miscommunication should prevent a child who is ready from receiving a sacrament.

Many people do not understand the culpability of a priest toward the formation of the children in his parish.
There are things that must happen according to the Bishop’s mandate.
If there is a missing component…then things do go awry.
Document. Document. Document.
I’m out.