Perpetually single

[Mary_Seelbach]

Dear Perpetually Single, YES! I believe God has been protecting you from wrong relationships. Most important is getting closer to Jesus- the closer you get to Him, the less “desperate” you’ll feel! (By the way, it’s true that guys are not attracted to “desperate” ladies!)
Let the Holy Spirit lead you in all the areas of your life! Don’t discount the possibilty of a call to be a religious sister or nun! You’ll receive the grace to live in God’s will with JOY, whether single, married, or in a convent! Finally, this is a great time to start classes to join the Catholic Church!

 

[Magickman]

I must confess to being perpetually single myself. As a man of 60 years, this is probably a permanent condition.

Being single is not so bad, though, if you don’t mind spending every night alone. Singlehood is an independent lifestyle, demanding mastery of many skills. For those who never marry, life can be lonely, but it does not have to be.

Why are some people always single? Most long term singles are not bad people at all, but perhaps many are lacking in relationship skills. Some of us may be better adjusted for single life, than for marriage.

From childhood, marriage always frightened and intimidated me. I did not ever feel adequate to surmount the challenges of married life. So, I did not seek a marriage partner.

Since completing school, I have always lived alone. Lots of privacy and no one to bother me.

All in all, I am thankful for a good life, as a single person.

 

[Kindness]

To the OP, I have been married 13 years to an American man but I am from Europe. I lived in the US for about 14.5 years until we recently relocated back to Europe.

My observations were that many, many men and women in the USA are immature and not prepared for marriage in terms of emotional maturity and self-sacrifice. I am starting to see more of that over here too as the European cultures change their focus and values.

Whatever the reasons for this situation I would firstly recognize that a very, very small percentage of people in modern society are marriage material. So forget the majority, literally 95% and just focus of the 5%. Single bars and on-line searches are not good places to find a partner. Here are some facts on marriage from the National Marriage Project. I would take note of the last one as you have all the components to have a very successful marriage if you do marry.

marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtenthingsyoungadults.htm

Keep praying and building a happy and balanced life for yourself and get involved in lots of groups and organizations where you would be more likely to find like minded people. Don’t focus on looking for a husband, focus on making friends, serving others and enjoying your life. The number one way that people find their marriage partner is through friends, family and other networks. It is better to be single than to be in a 2nd rate marriage that is a struggle. If you want a truly sacramental marriage, one built to last then get involved with many people with the same values and goals as yourself. Be open minded as to the people and men you befriend, if you share the same values you may find your attraction follows. If you have any close friends that you could discuss this with, ask for a frank evaluation. Is there anything you do or don’t do which could prevent men from approaching you?

I have a least three couple friends that I know who met and married later (ie late 30s and 40s) who are very happily married. One of my friends approached a man she always saw at adoration and now they are very happily married with a little boy! She was about 37 or so when they married. And she is gorgeous and an architect and artist, but she just wasn’t meeting anyone!

Every blessing to you as you discern God’s will.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Single bars and on-line searches are not good places to find a partner.

I agree with you on the bars, but I have to take exception to the idea that dating services are always a bad choice. Too many people are frightened away by the idea. Some dating services are not the best choice, but others have some potential and are geared to people who are seriously looking for a marriage partner. I work with several people who met their spouses on the worst dating sites out there. I don’t personally know anyone who’s met their spouse on AMS, but I do know a couple who met and married through eharmony.

I agree with you about the epidemic of narcissism in this country and how it has impeded healthy marriage. I don’t know if it applies to 95% of people, but it applies to enough people that if you have terrible luck it very well may be nothign to do with you and not your fault at all.

 

[Kindness]

Angels Unware, you are right and I was hasty in my reply. I had a neighbor in the USA whose sister, a teacher, met her husband on eHarmony. As to the 95% - it’s not that I don’t have faith in human nature, I am very much an optimist and look for the goodness in others. I just think if you are serious about marriage and a realist you will be well served if you realize that you should focus your personal resources where you are much more likely to meet a compatible marriage partner. Studies have shown for example that college is usually the last time people are going to encounter large groups of eligible singles. After that period you may need to be more proactive when looking for a spouse.

 

[244Rocket]

Still praying hard for you.

 

[Norseman82]

Jason, if you are looking for a virgin and realy religous woman, then good luck, they realy don’t exist after age 30 unless they have a personality problem.

In other words, a person who practices their faith has a personality problem? If so, thank you for insulting all the Catholics and other non-Catholic Christians who keep their pants on to avoid sin, or any of those over 30-crowd who may be single due to caring for older parents.

You do realize that this is a Catholic forum and not a secular one, correct?

 

[Bataar]

In other words, a person who practices their faith has a personality problem? If so, thank you for insulting all the Catholics and other non-Catholic Christians who keep their pants on to avoid sin, or any of those over 30-crowd who may be single due to caring for older parents.

You do realize that this is a Catholic forum and not a secular one, correct?

I think the point he was making is that the vast majority of Catholic women will be married by the time they’re 30 and that the ones who aren’t married, aren’t married because of some other issue.

 

[bigfootbob]

Here is a piece from “My Heart Lies South” by Elizabeth Borton De Treviño (a great book!)

‘Mexican girls believe that if they beg him [st Anthony] he will get them a sweetheart. A friend of mine recounted to me that this was indeed so. She had bought herself a small image of San Antonio, and had made one novena after another to him, asking for a good, kind and faithful man to become her novio and later her husband.
“And what happened?”
“Well, I said five separate novenas and nothing happened, and I had an access of rage, and took the image and threw it out of the window!”
“Oh, you horrible girl!”
“And San Antonio fell on the head of a young man walking by in the street and knocked him cold. They brought him into our sala here for first aid. We’re to be married in March.”
Direct action.’

 

[CountrySinger]

Here is a piece from “My Heart Lies South” by Elizabeth Borton De Treviño (a great book!)

‘Mexican girls believe that if they beg him [st Anthony] he will get them a sweetheart. A friend of mine recounted to me that this was indeed so. She had bought herself a small image of San Antonio, and had made one novena after another to him, asking for a good, kind and faithful man to become her novio and later her husband.
“And what happened?”
“Well, I said five separate novenas and nothing happened, and I had an access of rage, and took the image and threw it out of the window!”
“Oh, you horrible girl!”
“And San Antonio fell on the head of a young man walking by in the street and knocked him cold. They brought him into our sala here for first aid. We’re to be married in March.”
Direct action.’

I’ve heard that story in high school, except it was a statue. So of course I had to try it. I went to the top of my school (while climbing the fire escape in a catholic school uniform), and threw it. It hit my principal. Oops.

 

[legaleagle]

Dear Perpetually Single, YES! I believe God has been protecting you from wrong relationships. Most important is getting closer to Jesus- the closer you get to Him, the less “desperate” you’ll feel! (By the way, it’s true that guys are not attracted to “desperate” ladies!)
Let the Holy Spirit lead you in all the areas of your life! Don’t discount the possibilty of a call to be a religious sister or nun! You’ll receive the grace to live in God’s will with JOY, whether single, married, or in a convent! Finally, this is a great time to start classes to join the Catholic Church!

Thanks. I was thinking tonight (at RCIA) that maybe I’ve not met my future husband yet because first I have to follow through and become Catholic and grow in my relationship with God. It’s possible I haven’t been ready to give myself completely to my future spouse.

Re: becoming a sister/nun - - that would be my biggest fear and not something I had to worry about as a Protestant.

244Rocket, thanks for your prayers!

 

[graciesuico]

I think we have different opinions and I do believe that being single is not all something to worry about. We have different roles to perform here in this journey as pilgrims. Being single is not a particular choice. This is not the end of the world. If he or she will remain single all days of their life. What matter most is how we live and how accept the circumstances that happens in our everyday life.
We are not permanently here on earth; so why bother, single, or married whatever maybe is in the hands of God. We are not in control of everything. Live the life that God has given. Let God be God.

 

[chevalier]

I’ve heard that story in high school, except it was a statue. So of course I had to try it. I went to the top of my school (while climbing the fire escape in a catholic school uniform), and threw it. It hit my principal. Oops.

I have a similar thing. You know, whenever I start having rather downthrodden thoughts about these matters, I see a beautiful girl (perhaps more than one at a time but can’t really tell, it’s the overall thing that counts) in church, most often in the church near the university where I’m doing my current degree course. And by beautiful, I don’t mean “merely” attractive, but like enough to lose breath or speech.

 

[TedDC]

Yes, it is a double standard. It’s more or less based on the past observation of a female friend that I latched on to as it seemed to ring true. She was also a single woman in her early 30s at the time. She said that older single guys are often just weird, but older single women are not.

I guess, simply put, an older single guy is often still single because of some personality defect. An older single girl can still be single, not due to any defect of her own but simply because no guy has pursued her.

Perhaps that sounds sexist. I really don’t mean it that way. It’s just a casual observation. I really do know several single guys in their 30s who are perfectly normal, and I have several normal friends who (though they are now married) were single into their 30s. So I don’t mean to tell you you aren’t going to find a normal guy!

I’m in my early 50s and single, never married. In my case, single-ness is due quite simply to my physical unattractiveness (please, no self-esteem advice - I wasted years thinking it was “all in my head”). But the prejudice you described makes an already difficult life much harder.

It’s very hard to develop and maintain a healthy personality when you’re shunned by a large segment of society (most single women) due to something that’s beyond your control. Imagine being ignored - essentially non-existent in many social contexts - and then, on top of that, being condemned as “weird” because of the very isolation you’ve tried so hard to overcome!

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I’m in my early 50s and single, never married. In my case, single-ness is due quite simply to my physical unattractiveness (please, no self-esteem advice - I wasted years thinking it was “all in my head”). But the prejudice you described makes an already difficult life much harder.

It’s very hard to develop and maintain a healthy personality when you’re shunned by a large segment of society (most single women) due to something that’s beyond your control. Imagine being ignored - essentially non-existent in many social contexts - and then, on top of that, being condemned as “weird” because of the very isolation you’ve tried so hard to overcome!

I am very sorry to hear that. I am a little surprised, because men who are unattractive are usually able to compensate a little better through personality and intelligence. But, I believe you that you were judged just on your looks and nobody gave you a chance.

It seems like this happens a little more often to women. Did you ever think about dating unattractive women?

 

[TedDC]

I am very sorry to hear that. I am a little surprised, because men who are unattractive are usually able to compensate a little better through personality and intelligence. But, I believe you that you were judged just on your looks and nobody gave you a chance.

It seems like this happens a little more often to women. Did you ever think about dating unattractive women?

My observation is that personality and intelligence have only a very limited ability to compensate for serious deficiencies in physical appearance. Women (and men) are generally looking for someone who’s at least adequate in ALL of those areas. More is better, of course, but there are minimums below which people simply can’t consider someone as a mate.

As far as being judged by my looks, I don’t think that’s the case. Most people do recognize and appreciate my other qualities; but I lack the physical appeal that would complete the package for them. In fact, I don’t hold any resentment against women who reject me because of my appearance, unless they’re downright nasty about it. I used to be angry at them (a toxic byproduct of “self-esteem” pop psychology), but I’ve outgrown that childish viewpoint. I now realize that it’s my problem, not theirs.

I do agree that women are probably hurt by this a lot more than men are, though I think men are catching up to some extent.

Would I think about dating an unattractive woman? I’m going to answer honestly, realizing that in doing so I may lose whatever sympathy I may have gained (not that I’m writing this to gain sympathy). The answer is no, but please hear me out. What I say “attractive”, I mean “attractive to ME” - nothing more. I’m not saying “attractive” as in supermodel, or anyone else’s concept of beauty.

I see plenty of women just in everyday life who I find very attractive, but are far from the typical ideal of beauty. I don’t care what other people think about how she looks - if I’m attracted to her, that’s all that matters. The problem may be one of semantics; I think that when most people say “attractive”, they really mean “exceptionally attractive”.

So, I would rephrase your question as: “Did you ever think about dating women who you’re not attracted to?” Then, I hope, my answer of “no” will become more understandable. At least, I hope you’re not saying, to put it plainly, “beggars can’t be choosers”.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

So, I would rephrase your question as: “Did you ever think about dating women who you’re not attracted to?” Then, I hope, my answer of “no” will become more understandable. At least, I hope you’re not saying, to put it plainly, “beggars can’t be choosers”.

I get what you’re saying. I guess what I meant was have you ever dated someone you didn’t find attractive at first glance, (meaning physically attractive to you on first look), to see if you might develop chemistry as you got to know her? This is logical to me, because from a woman’s perspective, men that are at first glance unattractive can become very attractive as you get to know them and develop a relationship with them.

I think I’ve expressed that idea before on another thread and a man responded by ridiculing the idea, and said, “only women find men more attractive as they get to know them.” If that’s true, it’s very sad.

 

[havana1]

I get what you’re saying. I guess what I meant was have you ever dated someone you didn’t find attractive at first glance, (meaning physically attractive to you on first look), to see if you might develop chemistry as you got to know her? This is logical to me, because from a woman’s perspective, men that are at first glance unattractive can become very attractive as you get to know them and develop a relationship with them.

I think I’ve expressed that idea before on another thread and a man responded by ridiculing the idea, and said, “only women find men more attractive as they get to know them.” If that’s true, it’s very sad.

I think superficially “beautiful” women are ugly, not attractive. There. I said it. No offense to any of the blatantly attractive women on here, but someone’s got to say it. I’m a hetero male who wouldn’t go anywhere some of the women other guys would trip over themselves to get to. From a woman’s perspective, I would think the “attractive” women are probably sick of being hit on and have heard every pick-up line in the book by the time they’re 21. (So it’s already against the odds I’d get noticed.) Not to mention I don’t know if some of them have had, ahem, ‘work’ done on them.

I like “real” women. There’s the urban slang term BBW’s. Or Rubenesque. Or full-figured. The frequent shoppers at Lane Bryant. So, my criteria of “attractive” is less dependent upon what society, what our mass media tells me I have to find “attractive” (oh really?), and more based upon a shared desire to live life on one’s own terms with as little compromise as possible. I have gone on too many First Dates From You-Know-Where with anorexic types who had the I.Q. of an egg timer, and not enough first dates with smart, “real” women who know the difference between Kashmir and cashmere.

Where are all the “real” Catholic women?

 

[CountrySinger]

I think superficially “beautiful” women are ugly, not attractive. There. I said it. No offense to any of the blatantly attractive women on here, but someone’s got to say it. I’m a hetero male who wouldn’t go anywhere some of the women other guys would trip over themselves to get to. From a woman’s perspective, I would think the “attractive” women are probably sick of being hit on and have heard every pick-up line in the book by the time they’re 21. (So it’s already against the odds I’d get noticed.) Not to mention I don’t know if some of them have had, ahem, ‘work’ done on them.

I like “real” women. There’s the urban slang term BBW’s. Or Rubenesque. Or full-figured. The frequent shoppers at Lane Bryant. So, my criteria of “attractive” is less dependent upon what society, what our mass media tells me I have to find “attractive” (oh really?), and more based upon a shared desire to live life on one’s own terms with as little compromise as possible. I have gone on too many First Dates From You-Know-Where with anorexic types who had the I.Q. of an egg timer, and not enough first dates with smart, “real” women who know the difference between Kashmir and cashmere.

Where are all the “real” Catholic women?

I feel that way about men (I’m a woman). I think nerds are hot (ie Leonard on Big Bang Theory), and if they are into computers, video games, Star Wars etc., all the better. I used to use the engineering computer lab (I was an education major) in college for that very reason. I was the only girl there, and the guys would stare at me, but never come up and talk to me.
My friends make fun for my man choices. They all went for the sterotypical “hot” guy. They would be like “he’s cute, right?” And I would say “ergh… I guess. Let’s see what he can do to this computer”. The funny thing is, I look like a girlie girl, like the anti-nerd bait I guess.

 

[TedDC]

I get what you’re saying. I guess what I meant was have you ever dated someone you didn’t find attractive at first glance, (meaning physically attractive to you on first look), to see if you might develop chemistry as you got to know her? This is logical to me, because from a woman’s perspective, men that are at first glance unattractive can become very attractive as you get to know them and develop a relationship with them.

I think I’ve expressed that idea before on another thread and a man responded by ridiculing the idea, and said, “only women find men more attractive as they get to know them.” If that’s true, it’s very sad.

My answer to that would be “no”, but again, with an explanation. It know saying that brings up a vision of a homely, lonely guy arrogantly dismissing every woman who doesn’t meet his exacting “standards”, based on the girls in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.

In fact, I try very hard to find physical attractiveness in every woman I meet. It’s to my advantage to increase my dating pool, by including everyone I possible can. I’m not looking for a prize to show off to the world, just a partner I can be comfortable with.

As far as chemistry developing after getting to know someone: no, it can’t replace at least a minimal amount of physical attraction. The physical, intellectual and emotional components of a relationship are separate, with the exact mix differing from person to person.

I think everyone is naturally “wired” to be attracted to certain physical qualities. And that’s just fine - it’s the way God made us. It’s really not a question of giving someone a chance; it’s the fact that physical suitability can be determined quickly; it’s the first hurdle to cross, so people don’t pursue relationships further if that need isn’t met. The problem is when a man looks at a woman (or vice versa) as more than a potential partner, seeing them as a status symbol or an “acquisition”, like a car or a house. That’s wrong, of course.

Although you may be right about a woman finding a man more attractive as she gets to know him, it’s definitely not true in my case. One of my defects is a receding chin, coupled with an overbite. A weak chin is widely recognized as nature’s metaphor for weak character, and has the effect of rendering me invisible to women. They simply don’t see me as a man at all, much less consider a relationship with me. Even a strong, independent woman is, at some unconscious level, seeking strength in a man; again, it’s just the way we’re made. A man who carries the genetic stigma of immasculinity is simply out of the running.