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TimeEntrance
Guest
Oh man… that was pretty funny. Thank you for that. 
That’s has to be right up there with a dude telling a girl he’ll die if he doesn’t “get any.”You dress fine for the time. Certainly not like a nun. But jeans, a t-shirt, and high heels combined would have been considered sultry many decades ago. Then again… that’s a ways away from the beaches of Miami or the Brazilian bikini. Then again… a mestizo priest from Chile that lived for some years in Rio de Janeiro before moving to the U.S. told me that the bare skin of women exposed on the beaches of Rio are normal (by implications not sinful) to the Brazilians of Rio. He said the Chileans are more akin to Americans.
So, I don’t know, that is up to you. Maybe it’s culturally subjective?
I’ve never seen any images of the Virgin Mary dressed like you though.
Just saying.
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TimeEntrance
Guest
Well… that may be like searching for a needle in a haystack in 2012 America.
He sounds like a normal young male to me. I’d be more concerned if he acted like a boy scout (goody two shoes), liked sipping soda out of the same can with her with two different straws, and preferred to spend much of their free time playing with little boys no biological relation to his.
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Cider
Guest
Honestly, I’d stop dating him. He sounds manipulative, dishonest and he seems like he views women as trophy’s.
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Iron_Donkey
Guest
A guy’s perspective here: if you’d “lose” him over being unwilling to do anything you were uncomfortable with, especially for moral reasons, then not only did you not have him to start with, but he is not mature enough for anyone to have in any meaningful way. Men don’t pressure women to do things like this. People who do are not men.
I mean, it’s possible that at this age he just hasn’t thought these issues through and doesn’t yet realize the implications of the views he says he holds, and that in discussing them with him calmly you can help him to grow out of these views somewhat. But the views he’s expressing now are terrible, and amount to treating women as something to be looked at or shown off, which is beyond wrong. Again, he might not realize this. If you can gently bring him around to seeing this, he might slowly change his views. But you absolutely cannot give in - doing so would degrade both yourself and him. If you think you would be tempted to give in, it may be better not to try, leave him, and to let him grow up in his own time, however slow that might be.
If calmly remaining firm doesn’t get the point across, then this may just need to end. He may eventually grow up and become a person worth holding onto, but so long as he’s the kind of person who would give you up because you don’t dress provocatively enough, he’s not there yet.
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MidnightSun12
Guest
Remember that matrimony is a holy sacrament. What do the 7 sacraments all have in common?..They are all designed to help us become better Catholics and move us closer to God. If you start to feel, at any point while dating him, that this man is not only failing to push you to become a better Catholic but is actually driving a wedge between you and God, then I think you have to consider that this relationship is not coming from God and you are likely not being called to marriage with him.
I know this sounds harsh, but remember that the path to heaven is narrow and few will find it. It’s absolutely essential to make sure that your future spouse is the choice of our Blessed Lord and that he will help to keep you on the straight and narrow years down the road when you might, yourself, wander astray. If he is actively trying to lead you astray right now, at a point in the relationship when people should be on their best behavior, do you feel that he will stand firm with you on issues such as birth control and being open to life at a time in your marriage when money’s tight and the thought of another child sounds very scary?
Now I am not trying to judge his character, but I feel that you honestly have to ask yourself this question about any man that you date using the impressions you have as an indication.
My prayers are with you in this most difficult decision. God bless!
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revert_jen
Guest
I disagree with those people telling the OP she should walk away. I say she should run away.
I agree with Paul above, and I would add that a man who tries to change the way a woman dresses when she isn’t even his girlfriend is not having a sex problem. He is having a control problem. A man who wants to be this controlling at this point in the non-relationship would want to own your soul if you were ever to marry him.
Run away. Run away fast.
–Jen
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wmw
Guest
Yes, largely he is fooling himself and thinks you should be equally foolish or more.
Is he to blame for his twisted ideas when he is fed a steady diet from our base culture? Not entirely, but you would be to blame for seeing how he IS and going along in his company. Keep far from him until he changes for himself. In the mean time find the company of better men.
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thebookofesther
Guest
Recommend St. Augustine. And get out.
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TrueLight
Guest
So he’s “considering” getting into a relationship with you? Red flag.
To use the old cliche, “He’s just not that into you”.
What will convince him that you should become his girlfriend - whether you’re sexy enough for him?
I hate to be blunt, but sometimes we have to remove the rose-colored glasses and the mushy feelings and look at something for what it is. It saves a lot of future heartache.
It would be one thing if he said, “Hey Trinity, you ever wear dresses or skirts? I think they’re so awesome”. The fact that he is using the word “sexy” is also a red flag.
To use the old cliche, “He’s just not that into you”.
What will convince him that you should become his girlfriend - whether you’re sexy enough for him?
I hate to be blunt, but sometimes we have to remove the rose-colored glasses and the mushy feelings and look at something for what it is. It saves a lot of future heartache.
It would be one thing if he said, “Hey Trinity, you ever wear dresses or skirts? I think they’re so awesome”. The fact that he is using the word “sexy” is also a red flag.
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fpt
Guest
The questions for yourself.
What is your personal religious morality about the clothings, the garments, in general?
What is your style of dresses? What is your style of long dresses? What is your style of short dresses?
What is your style of trousers? What is your style of long trousers? What is your style of short trousers?
What is your style of skirts? What is your style of long skirts? What is your style of short skirts?
What is your style of swimsuits? What is your style of one piece swimsuits? What is your style of two-piece swimsuits, (the bikini)?
It is up to you. That is your personal choice. Your own rule. Your personal will, not from his will. The moderation is the rule: not prudish, not puritan, not puritanist, not angelical, not victorian, not victorianist, not rigourous, not moralist, not liberal, not relativist, not porn…etc.
It is in function of temperature, of place, of activity…etc.
You decide.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Those are useless questions. This man is asking her to do something that goes against what she wants for herself. That is wrong, and shows that he is not concerned about her, but merely wants her to display her body parts to the world and other men so HE can show off his “trophy.” She doesn’t need to make any changes except DROPPING this jerk like a hot potato.
Also, the clothing is only one element - he also is trying to break down her chastity by saying it’s OK to become aroused if nothing comes of it. But what do you bet that if she allowed him to “fool around,” he’d start saying that being aroused with no release is physically dangerous to his health??? So lame, and so corrupting.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
OP, you didn’t say…
Is this guy a Catholic?
I think you let your heart get too attached to someone who has a questionable character, and only now are you seeing what’s really there. Like diving into a beautiful cake, and finding a dead rodent in the middle.
Is this guy a Catholic?
I think you let your heart get too attached to someone who has a questionable character, and only now are you seeing what’s really there. Like diving into a beautiful cake, and finding a dead rodent in the middle.
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LaMusicaSenior
Guest
Perhaps “normal” - but she doesn’t have to settle for someone who not only has low standards, but lowers her standards.Well… that may be like searching for a needle in a haystack in 2012 America.
He sounds like a normal young male to me. I’d be more concerned if he acted like a boy scout (goody two shoes), liked sipping soda out of the same can with her with two different straws, and preferred to spend much of their free time playing with little boys no biological relation to his.
If he really loves her, then he wants the best for her and her immortal soul. Telling her to dress “sexy” for him is objectifying her down to something he can use and look at.
If you want a guy to look up to you, don’t give him a reason to look down.
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SusanneT
Guest
I completely agree. I don’t think there is anything wrong with dressing to please your husband. Including looking ‘sexy’ in private - but this guy is a boyfriend asking the OP to look sexy in public firstly to show her of and I suspect from his remark about arousel for his own titilation.
Standards of dress do vary with culture circumstances etc but I’m sure we’d all agree that it’s wrong to dress in a way which is deliberately sexy in public. Also a husband may appreciate his wife being admired I’m sure - but definately not lusted over.
I’m sure you are right his attitude to dress and his other remarks are part of a softening up process - heading in a direction I’m sure she does not want to follow !
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CatholicRaven
Guest
First, good for you for standing firm on this! You sound like a smart young woman who respects herself, and as long as you don’t fall for the lies, you will find someone who respects you, as well (it may or may not be this guy).
If he does not accept you as you are, and you are not enough for him, that will very likely mean in the future that he will cheat on you (and blame you for it), unless he grows up fast.
That reminds me… It sounds like he is probably dating other women, but are you also seeing other guys? If not, then you are probably much more serious about the relationship than he is. And you aren’t even exclusively dating, yet he feels he should have this kind of influence over you? Scary.
I do know that some men find it very hard to believe that women generally aren’t as visual as men are. But here’s the thing: If a man sees a picture of a provocatively-dressed woman, how many times is that image going to pop up in his head that day and cause arousal? Now, if a woman sees a picture of a shirtless guy… how many times will that image pop up? Some guys think we women are lying when most of us answer, “none.” Yet it’s the truth: it just doesn’t happen. The only time it might pop up is if someone mentions it specifically. And even then, it generally does not cause arousal. (There are probably a few exceptions, of course, but still.) So a guy in shorts probably should put a shirt on, but even if he doesn’t, he’s not going to cause very many (if any) women to lust after him as he walks down the street, no matter how much movies, TV, and advertisements try to convince us otherwise. But if an attractive, topless woman walked down a busy street… can you imagine the traffic jam?
If he keeps pushing this issue despite knowing how you feel, then he does not care about you as much as you perceive. If he did, he would not want to treat you like a doormat, a dress-up doll, or a trophy. He wants you to uncover for other men because he knows that it does affect them visually–if it didn’t, then why argue that women are just as visual? And why would he say that married men would want other men to lust after their wives (which, according to my husband and his buddies, is a BIG LIE)? If dressing more provocatively would not affect him or other men, then why is he pressing so much for you to do it? He is lying to you and/or to himself. It sounds like he wants impure images of you in his head that he can “play with.” That is NOT a good thing for either of you.
If he truly is not trying to get you to undress for his own pleasure, and he just wants other guys to be jealous… well, there are still a few problems with that. First, he’s saying that he wants other guys to think of you as a sex object; he is certainly not the kind of guy who will protect your honor if this is what he wants. Second, he’s still basically saying that other people’s opinions of him matter to him more than you do. And you’re still just an object to him, a trophy–but apparently, you aren’t a shiny enough trophy to get the attention he seeks, so he wants to *expose you *to other men to cause them to lust after you–which means he actually wants other men to picture you naked and have sex with you in their heads!
What kind of man wants other men to dishonor, disrespect, and use their wife or girlfriend in such a way? (None of the married men–ages 19 to 75–that I know!) It’s one thing for a man to appreciate that other men find his wife* attractive,* but a real man does** not **want other men to view his wife as a toy, a slut, or an object to be used for their own enjoyment (lust).
Maybe he’s got some great characteristics, but he’s certainly not the only pro-life, conservative, republican, opinionated guy out there, and there are guys out there with better morals and less concern for what others think of them. If it were me, this would already be a deal-breaker because of the amount of dishonor he’s shown through his words. “Slippery” is right!
But you also think he’s otherwise a great guy, and that he is just mistaken, not actually trying to manipulate you, and maybe you’re right. Perhaps he’s mistaking lust for attraction or appreciation of beauty. Maybe what he really wants is for you to wear (modest) dresses and skirts sometimes, to be a little more feminine (which some people confuse for “sexy”). So you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it to plow through the uncommitted, manipulative, and dishonorable behavior he’s showing right now, to see if you can find out whether this guy is truly interested in YOU (not just your body or the status you can bring him) and in having a real, lasting relationship that may lead to marriage. (Unfortunately, you cannot depend on just his words to determine the truth, so if you know that you can be swayed by pretty words, RUN.)
If he is NOT looking for a real relationship at this point (and it doesn’t sound like he is), no amount of “giving in” from you is going to change that. Actually, giving in would be saying that your morals are not as important to you as his opinion, and in the end, he would probably respect you even less for that. I would say hold your ground, and see how he reacts. Simply calmly state, “I will not disrespect myself by dressing to provoke lust, and if you have respect for me, you will not ask me to violate my morals.” You can decide whether debate would help him truly understand, or just be a waste of breath.
Prayers for you (and him!).
If he does not accept you as you are, and you are not enough for him, that will very likely mean in the future that he will cheat on you (and blame you for it), unless he grows up fast.
That reminds me… It sounds like he is probably dating other women, but are you also seeing other guys? If not, then you are probably much more serious about the relationship than he is. And you aren’t even exclusively dating, yet he feels he should have this kind of influence over you? Scary.
I do know that some men find it very hard to believe that women generally aren’t as visual as men are. But here’s the thing: If a man sees a picture of a provocatively-dressed woman, how many times is that image going to pop up in his head that day and cause arousal? Now, if a woman sees a picture of a shirtless guy… how many times will that image pop up? Some guys think we women are lying when most of us answer, “none.” Yet it’s the truth: it just doesn’t happen. The only time it might pop up is if someone mentions it specifically. And even then, it generally does not cause arousal. (There are probably a few exceptions, of course, but still.) So a guy in shorts probably should put a shirt on, but even if he doesn’t, he’s not going to cause very many (if any) women to lust after him as he walks down the street, no matter how much movies, TV, and advertisements try to convince us otherwise. But if an attractive, topless woman walked down a busy street… can you imagine the traffic jam?
If he keeps pushing this issue despite knowing how you feel, then he does not care about you as much as you perceive. If he did, he would not want to treat you like a doormat, a dress-up doll, or a trophy. He wants you to uncover for other men because he knows that it does affect them visually–if it didn’t, then why argue that women are just as visual? And why would he say that married men would want other men to lust after their wives (which, according to my husband and his buddies, is a BIG LIE)? If dressing more provocatively would not affect him or other men, then why is he pressing so much for you to do it? He is lying to you and/or to himself. It sounds like he wants impure images of you in his head that he can “play with.” That is NOT a good thing for either of you.
If he truly is not trying to get you to undress for his own pleasure, and he just wants other guys to be jealous… well, there are still a few problems with that. First, he’s saying that he wants other guys to think of you as a sex object; he is certainly not the kind of guy who will protect your honor if this is what he wants. Second, he’s still basically saying that other people’s opinions of him matter to him more than you do. And you’re still just an object to him, a trophy–but apparently, you aren’t a shiny enough trophy to get the attention he seeks, so he wants to *expose you *to other men to cause them to lust after you–which means he actually wants other men to picture you naked and have sex with you in their heads!
What kind of man wants other men to dishonor, disrespect, and use their wife or girlfriend in such a way? (None of the married men–ages 19 to 75–that I know!) It’s one thing for a man to appreciate that other men find his wife* attractive,* but a real man does** not **want other men to view his wife as a toy, a slut, or an object to be used for their own enjoyment (lust).
Maybe he’s got some great characteristics, but he’s certainly not the only pro-life, conservative, republican, opinionated guy out there, and there are guys out there with better morals and less concern for what others think of them. If it were me, this would already be a deal-breaker because of the amount of dishonor he’s shown through his words. “Slippery” is right!
But you also think he’s otherwise a great guy, and that he is just mistaken, not actually trying to manipulate you, and maybe you’re right. Perhaps he’s mistaking lust for attraction or appreciation of beauty. Maybe what he really wants is for you to wear (modest) dresses and skirts sometimes, to be a little more feminine (which some people confuse for “sexy”). So you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it to plow through the uncommitted, manipulative, and dishonorable behavior he’s showing right now, to see if you can find out whether this guy is truly interested in YOU (not just your body or the status you can bring him) and in having a real, lasting relationship that may lead to marriage. (Unfortunately, you cannot depend on just his words to determine the truth, so if you know that you can be swayed by pretty words, RUN.)
If he is NOT looking for a real relationship at this point (and it doesn’t sound like he is), no amount of “giving in” from you is going to change that. Actually, giving in would be saying that your morals are not as important to you as his opinion, and in the end, he would probably respect you even less for that. I would say hold your ground, and see how he reacts. Simply calmly state, “I will not disrespect myself by dressing to provoke lust, and if you have respect for me, you will not ask me to violate my morals.” You can decide whether debate would help him truly understand, or just be a waste of breath.
Prayers for you (and him!).
F
fpt
Guest
By my message, I wanted only to say that she needs to know herself very deeply, in order to take her personal decision (to stop this dating or to keep doing this dating). For that, she has to ask yourself questions about different fields of the fashion of garments and the corollaries. After responding via her conscience, **she decides alone, without pressure. **
This " future potential boy friend "??? **has no right to pressure on her. He has to respect her personality, her essence, her human dignity, her feminity. **He has to avoid wrong mentalities of the world in one side( liberal, porn,…etc) and the other side (puritan, very strict), …etc: that is his duty. He has no right to control her.
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Richard320
Guest
He’s lying.
The next logical step is that he has been aroused too long and now he’s in pain and it’s your fault so you have to relieve him.
If he had just asked you to dress more feminine (feminine, not sexy), I’d have no problem. But the rest of your post just screams sexist pig. And yes, it takes one to know one - I’m not proud of everything I’ve done in 50 years. Save yourself some pain, dump him now. You don’t have to make every mistake personally, you can learn from others’.
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DAML72
Guest
I agree. You are very young, and have your whole life ahead of you. I would love to spare you the pain and heartache that I have endured over the past 20 years as a result of marrying and having children with a man who, I finally now realize, is not really capable of true love, and left me a week before my youngest daughter’s 1st birthday. I’m not saying that the man you are with is this way, but a big RED FLAG went up immediately for me when I read what you wrote.
I understand your desires to explain away his behavior, but please listen to me when I tell you that you will forever be waiting for this man to grow up and/or ‘see the light.’ I would like to spare you the pain of witnessing your children being brought up in a broken home, the worry and stress (emotional and financial) that comes with being a single parent, the loneliness of going to Mass alone while surrounded by loving, intact families.
My words may seem a bit over the top, but when I was 24 and my ex-husband broke up with me (this was before we were married) someone said to me, “better now than when you are married with a house and 2 children.” She was right. I didn’t listen.
Edited to add - Just want to clarify that, while I see the desire to have you dress sexier is a problem, the big Red Flag went up for me more in terms of the ‘slippery language,’ the outright lie that men are not visually stimulated, his desire to change (control) you, and his playing with your emotions by holding out on commitment because of this one thing. This guy has all the makings of an emotional abuser. Trust me - if you let him suck you in, it will be hell on earth, and it’s not easy to get away.
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