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The_Bucket
Guest
This is exactly right. I don’t want other guys ogling my wife. Does it give me a bit of an ego boost when she dresses up nicely and looks attractive? Sure. It shows me that she thinks highly enough of me that she wants to look good. You know, for me. Is she sure to catch the eyes of other men? Yeah I guess so, but that is of no concern for me either way because she’s dressing to appear feminine, not provocative. In a nice dress, hair and makeup done well, yeah of course other guys are going to look. But they’re not going to ogle. And I don’t want them to either.
Is it likewise nice for my wife to dress sexily for me in private? You bet. But that’s in private and between us. I certainly would not be a fan of her dressing up like I remember many girls dressing when they were in their late teens and early 20s. It’s just trashy. I want my wife to radiate femininity and class. And she most certainly does!
Truthfully, I was never more attracted to her than when she wore flowing, brightly colored skirts and a flower in her hair when she was in her early 20s. It was the most feminine display I had ever seen and it in no way was provocative on a base level. It got my heart racing even while ahem everything else was pretty calm. We saved the rest of that bit for after the nuptials.
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fpt
Guest
Faith and Reason, Reason and Faith. Are you a robot? Are you an human being? Are you free? Do you have a free will? Each time, you need to discern for acting with moderation.
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hannajomar
Guest
As you can see, trinity, your OP has struck a chord with many of us. Speaking for myself, I can say that I’ve encountered at least one guy like this, as well as counseling friends dating guys like this. Everyone has character flaws such as being a picky eater or interrupting people when they talk. But telling a woman who is not your girlfriend how to dress just crosses a line. From many of our experiences, we know that something like this is almost always a sign of other issues. Not only chastity issues which seems important to you. But control issues, which is not even just a religious issue. Any member of NOW would tell you the same thing, that a man should not be pressuring a woman on how to dress.
Another possibility is that your bond to him might be stronger than his bond to you. He obviously has a record of asking for what he wants and saying his opinion to the point of getting into a heated debate with you. And he hasn’t made you his girlfriend. That means he’s still not sure if he wants you to be his girlfriend.
A piece of unsolicited advice - don’t call him your boyfriend if he’s not.
I wish there was a Christian version of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
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PaulGH
Guest
Short answer: You are right; he is wrong.
This paragraph especially gives me cause for concern:
I think that you should gently but firmly hold your ground on this issue. It is possible that your boyfriend may mature in his views on this issue over time.
This paragraph especially gives me cause for concern:
I do NOT think that that is the right way to look at the situation. Personally, I do not like for my wife to wear clothes that are a bit too revealing in public (which thankfully she never intentionally does). In marriage, the spouses’ bodies belong to each other, not to some random guy on the street who would like to ogle some other guy’s wife.
I think that you should gently but firmly hold your ground on this issue. It is possible that your boyfriend may mature in his views on this issue over time.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
I guess I don’t see the part where he tried to ask her to change. And who doesn’t want to be proud of their spouse? I love that other women are jealous that I have my fiance, especially since these girls wouldn’t have had anything to do with him when we met because he was 150 lbs heavier.
I also think that we oversexualize women’s breasts and that it should be just as much of a non issue for women to be topless as it is for men.
But just because I have these views doesn’t mean I would ask, or even that I think that women need to dress sexier. And I don’t see where in the OP he did either. I think she jumped to conclusions.
I also think that we oversexualize women’s breasts and that it should be just as much of a non issue for women to be topless as it is for men.
But just because I have these views doesn’t mean I would ask, or even that I think that women need to dress sexier. And I don’t see where in the OP he did either. I think she jumped to conclusions.
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thewanderer
Guest
I’m sorry BEL, but if they got into a heated debate about it then her almost boyfriend was pretty darn invested in trying to make her change the way she dresses, especially considering the fact that they do not normally argue about things that way.
I totally understand wanting to be proud of your spouse, but seriously, would you really be comfortable with someone you aren’t even officially dating yet getting into a heated debate with you about how you should dress how he wants even though you would feel uncomfortable doing so? To me that is completely innapropriate behaviour and definitely a red flag.
Although, OP, I hadn’t thought of this before, but is it possible that he was simply using the word sexy to mean attractive? I mean, sometimes people do use those words interchangeably without meaning adding on connotations of causing or encouraging lust to the word sexy. You were the one in the debate, so you will know this better than any of us, but maybe it is a possibility?
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Luvz2travel
Guest
I agree with this also he may be trying to slowly work you out of your virtue slowly and patiently. I suspect he also views you as a challenge and conquering you would boost his ego. Dump him and find a guy that respects you. The minute they start talking about stuff like he is then they are just in it for what they want and continuing to date someone like that is a waste of time. Save yourself the trouble. My last boyfriend tried the same thing he just went about it a different way.
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fpt
Guest
I understand that she has to be very prudent with him. But, the fact of having automatically a negative thought (see some messages) on him seems to me to be too much strong. BE VERY PRUDENT WITH HIM, I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
What does SEXY mean in his speech??? Which reality? Which constitutives elements?
The** moderation** has to be the rule in everything.
What does SEXY mean in his speech??? Which reality? Which constitutives elements?
The** moderation** has to be the rule in everything.
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Schieffelin
Guest
This sounds like another red flag to me. How can you handle him? You shouldn’t be feeling this kind of pressure from him to begin with. And you shouldn’t be worried about losing someone because they don’t value your very rare and wonderful commitment to modesty. Some men would kill to date a girl like you who cares about protecting your chastity and theirs.
If you had told us that you wear nothing but long skirts and baggy blouses then I would give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he just wants you to dress more attractively/feminine, but that does not seem to be what’s going on here.
It seems you have a different value system more than you think you do. I’ve been there before OP. It’s hard to let go of someone who seemed so perfect at first, but you’ll be saving yourself a lot more heartache in the end.
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MissRose73
Guest
Dressing that certain way in private for your spouse is one thing. I would NOT dress sexy for any man to either gain his attention or if he asked me to do when going out in public no matter the status of the relationship.
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billcu1
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PaulinVA
Guest
If you were my daughter, I would advise you to run as fast as you can from him.
Your husband or boyfriend should be the one, if you have a “wardrobe malfunction”, run to you and cover you up, not stand there proudly and point. I know this isn’t in the OP, but it’s the same thing.
A good man protects a woman’s modesty and dignity. It takes a lot of chutzpah to try to start controlling someone when you are only dating.
RUN!
Your husband or boyfriend should be the one, if you have a “wardrobe malfunction”, run to you and cover you up, not stand there proudly and point. I know this isn’t in the OP, but it’s the same thing.
A good man protects a woman’s modesty and dignity. It takes a lot of chutzpah to try to start controlling someone when you are only dating.
RUN!
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fpt
Guest
According to her, she was raised in a very conservative Catholic family (see message Oct 10, '11, 6:23 pm trinity333 forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=8451027#post8451027)))?
What does it mean???
I do not want to do devil’s advocate, but she could be, may be , so strict: the balance, perhaps, is to finf out. A simple guess.
What does it mean???
I do not want to do devil’s advocate, but she could be, may be , so strict: the balance, perhaps, is to finf out. A simple guess.
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johnnyjones
Guest
It is wise of you to want to dress modestly but the BF is a product of the culture and is stimulated by the current fashions that set the pace. Some will tell you that a female can wear whatever she wants and the man, if he has his spriritual head straight, should not be affected by it.
The fact that both of you know that apparel will enhance stimulation means your ahead of most on this issue. If it’s bothering you, simply don’t dress for him, dress for yourself.
The fact that both of you know that apparel will enhance stimulation means your ahead of most on this issue. If it’s bothering you, simply don’t dress for him, dress for yourself.
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thewanderer
Guest
I also just want to add to my ealier post, that if what your almost boyfriend means by sexy is simply attractive without the negative connotations, then maybe all he means is that he would appreciate you dressing up a little more. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt is all fine and good, but it is very possible to dress modestly, and in a much more feminine and attractive manner, by wearing a dress/skirt. I still think he was wrong to pressure you the way he did, (That is, according to your account, it is true that we only have one side of the story here) It really isn’t appropriate for someone who isn’t even your boyfriend yet to be trying to get you to wear something you don’t want to, especially if it is something that you would be uncomfortable with wearing.
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billcu1
Guest
I know you don’t want to lose him but pray “Not my will but thine be done”. People come people go. They run off with someone else, they die. The only thing you can be sure of here is that things will come to an end. I will not tell you what to do only make you think.
Good luck.
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BlueEyedLady
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I don’t think we have enough information to make that call. She never said how or when he told her to dress ‘sexier’. I think that he may have been making a point on something else and she got defensive thinking he was saying that she needed to dress like such and such. Women have been known to make inferences and get defensive. It happens.
And I do think that there is a strong possibility that he was using sexy and attractive interchangeably.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
All she described is things he said about people and social norms in general. He didn’t say anything about her or the way she dresses, at least not that she posted. I really think he may have said something about how women dress or should dress in general, or his attitudes on attractive women in public, or whatever and she heard “I like it when women wear ________ and you should start too.” If he said something else, and she heard that, that would certainly set of a heated debate.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I don’t go by other threads. She is dealing with THIS issue right now.
Her attire isn’t the issue. The issue is that this guy, who is not even her boyfriend, is trying to change her. He is LYING to her, about how he doesn’t have lust any more. And minimizing the fact that men ARE more visual, no matter what he tells her. They are having heated arguments about it, and she describes him as “slippery.” That is not a good start to a relationship.
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