Please help - how should I talk to my husband about chores?

[EasterJoy]

We may get there at some point but my kids are two and eight months. A blow out diaper or having no formula tends to bring the outing to a premature end.

Our kids were twins, but they adored outings where they had one parent all to themselves, even if one of us was going to the grocery store and one was going to the hardware store. As for the parents, it is a lot less stressful to see to the needs of one child instead of two, even when the two need essentially the same things at essentially the same intervals. Perhaps most importantly, one-on-one time provides some of those sustaining personal moments with the children. You can relate to each other more as persons than simply as the needy and the need-meeter. They are in high school now, and they still like having one-on-one time with one parent to themselves. Who gets that? Start when they are little, listen instead of just talking, appreciate their insights (and they will have some), and you will, that’s who.

The listen-instead-of-talking is very important. If they feel they are free to have their own opinion even when you don’t agree, they’ll trust you enough to share their opinion with you. If they are free to make some decisions that are different than you’d make for them, they’ll trust you enough to let you in on more of their decision-making. If you are the conversational equivalent of the kid who hogs all the crayons, though, your parent-child relationship results will not be what they could have been.

 

[Allegra]

Our kids were twins, but they adored outings where they had one parent all to themselves, even if one of us was going to the grocery store and one was going to the hardware store. As for the parents, it is a lot less stressful to see to the needs of one child instead of two, even when the two need essentially the same things at essentially the same intervals. Perhaps most importantly, one-on-one time provides some of those sustaining personal moments with the children. You can relate to each other more as persons than simply as the needy and the need-meeter. They are in high school now, and they still like having one-on-one time with one parent to themselves. Who gets that? Start when they are little, listen instead of just talking, appreciate their insights (and they will have some), and you will, that’s who.

The listen-instead-of-talking is very important. If they feel they are free to have their own opinion even when you don’t agree, they’ll trust you enough to share their opinion with you. If they are free to make some decisions that are different than you’d make for them, they’ll trust you enough to let you in on more of their decision-making. If you are the conversational equivalent of the kid who hogs all the crayons, though, your parent-child relationship results will not be what they could have been.

He does take them places, but I usually pack. Swimming is not one of the places he takes them alone.

 

[Aggie414]

I haven’t read all the replies and I’m not questioning at all OP’s frustrations. However, I will say that one thing that jumped out at me was the phrase “talk to my husband about chores.” To me that comes across how you would talk to your child – children have chores. So maybe it’s the phrasing that’s being used and then OP’s husband is reacting (not well!!!) as if he’s being treated as a child and not an adult.

Again, I’m all for spouses helping out around the house and having their responsibilities fulfilled; but it could simply a matter of word usage.

Just my two cents.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t read all the replies and I’m not questioning at all OP’s frustrations. However, I will say that one thing that jumped out at me was the phrase “talk to my husband about chores.” To me that comes across how you would talk to your child – children have chores. So maybe it’s the phrasing that’s being used and then OP’s husband is reacting (not well!!!) as if he’s being treated as a child and not an adult.

Again, I’m all for spouses helping out around the house and having their responsibilities fulfilled; but it could simply a matter of word usage.

Just my two cents.

You’re right that “chores” may sound bad.

“House work” might be a little more neutral.

 

[SilverShadow22]

Last time I was at our community center it was for a baby shower and I got red eyes from being in the party room next to the pool! A poorly ventilated indoor pool can make anyone sick, but I think I’m particularly sensitive.

It’s made me sick before. Chlorine is toxic and is entirely inappropriate for submersion. Unfortunately, public places err on the side of using way, way too much rather than risk ‘public health’ complaints.

It’s the 21st century, people. Find something that works that isn’t toxic… Like peroxide, maybe? The whole reason they started using it in the first place was based on a myth…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It’s made me sick before. Chlorine is toxic and is entirely inappropriate for submersion. Unfortunately, public places err on the side of using way, way too much rather than risk ‘public health’ complaints.

It’s the 21st century, people. Find something that works that isn’t toxic… Like peroxide, maybe? The whole reason they started using it in the first place was based on a myth…

You have a small shallow warm stagnant body of water that thousands of people sweat in, have thier behinds in, soak diapers in, and all that, so ya kinda need something toxic in there. I don’t know how familiar you are with chemicals but bromine and saline are pool alternatives. There is quite a ballance involved so people don’t die…

 

[SilverShadow22]

You have a small shallow warm stagnant body of water that thousands of people sweat in, have thier behinds in, soak diapers in, and all that, so ya kinda need something toxic in there. I don’t know how familiar you are with chemicals but bromine and saline are pool alternatives. There is quite a ballance involved so people don’t die…

No, you don’t need anything toxic. I am quite familiar with chemicals. Bromine is just as bad, and worse when they mix it with chlorine. Salt systems are fine. I know many people who successfully use peroxide which kills ALL pathogens without toxicity. And if they worked at it, I’m sure they could find something besides peroxide which also works without being extremely toxic. But they’re lazy because they just keep doing what is always done.

Thousands of people? Best reason to stay away from public pools, then.

Was not trying to derail this thread.

Men and women are different and each specific man and woman is different; I personally think everyone should have something of an assigned realm or ‘specialty’ so everyone knows who does what in the normal course of things, to be adjusted at need. And both parties should be willing to help and flexible in their methods.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

No, you don’t need anything toxic. I am quite familiar with chemicals. Bromine is just as bad, and worse when they mix it with chlorine. Salt systems are fine. I know many people who successfully use peroxide which kills ALL pathogens without toxicity. And if they worked at it, I’m sure they could find something besides peroxide which also works without being extremely toxic. But they’re lazy because they just keep doing what is always done.

Thousands of people? Best reason to stay away from public pools, then.

Was not trying to derail this thread.

Men and women are different and each specific man and woman is different; I personally think everyone should have something of an assigned realm or ‘specialty’ so everyone knows who does what in the normal course of things, to be adjusted at need. And both parties should be willing to help and flexible in their methods.

As a scientist by training your view of the reality of the biology of a pool and your definition of toxic are not compatible with the situation. Peroxide is toxic… Everything that kills a biological entity is toxic…
Not to mention your view that laziness is the motivation for chlorine…

Yikes!

 

[SilverShadow22]

As a scientist by training your view of the reality of the biology of a pool and your definition of toxic are not compatible with the situation. Peroxide is toxic… Everything that kills a biological entity is toxic…
Not to mention your view that laziness is the motivation for chlorine…

Yikes!

Peroxide isn’t toxic to higher life forms because of the way it kills. But I should have known better than to bother. Unsubscribed, over, and out.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Peroxide isn’t toxic to higher life forms because of the way it kills. But I should have known better than to bother. Unsubscribed, over, and out.

That is in no way grounded in any sort of science I have heard of. Do you have any proof of that?

Here is one of many sites I found…

atsdr.cdc.gov/mmg/mmg.asp?id=304&tid=55

Oddly similar to chlorine…

For other posters, please realize that while an 3 percent solution is probably not a problem, this is a dangerous road to go down. Please consult a medical professional before using…

 

[Perian]

My job is the home. I find five kids and homeschooling quite the task. My wife does not expect me to go to her meetings for her and give presentations. And I don’t expect her to take a dish to the sink. It isn’t that hard to run a household.

Ugh. No one can rouse me out of my comfortable lurking quite like you.

My job is also the house. But, if I COULD go to my husband’s job and do it for him when he’s beaten down, discouraged, and overwhelmed, I would. Is it my fault that he gets behind on his docket because the work flows in faster than he can crank it back out? No. But I would do it because I love him and his peace is my peace. But I can’t because that’s not how it works. It’s not a fair comparison-- nothing that stresses out my husband at work is my fault, but SOME of the things that stress me out at my place of work are his fault because I work in the home and he lives here, too. At the end of the day, we’re both fulfilling our vocations and making our family life happen.

Running a household isn’t hard. It’s A LOT of work, but none of it is outside the realm of ability for most adults. However, that’s not what the OP is seeking help for. She has a husband who is not just failing to make her life easier-- he finds it funny when he makes her life harder (re: lunch mess.) So, comments like “It isn’t that hard to run a household” are callous and rude on a post by a new mom adjusting to life with a new helpless life form-- on top of the big one she already had who’s being a leech and treating her like a maid, even on the weekends when he has NOT gone to this “job” that should apparently excuse him from even taking plates to a sink. It’s not inappropriate to ask him to do that and the OP should not feel bad for asking a minimal level of participation in the peaceful operation of the home that two adults occupy.

On topic, you’ve received a lot of great advice above. I don’t have anything novel to add, but I hope he’s able to see what it is he’s failing to do, which is first and foremost respect you as his wife, the mother of his very small and dependent child, and the Chief Domestic Operator of his home.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Ugh. No one can rouse me out of my comfortable lurking quite like you.

My job is also the house. But, if I COULD go to my husband’s job and do it for him when he’s beaten down, discouraged, and overwhelmed, I would. Is it my fault that he gets behind on his docket because the work flows in faster than he can crank it back out? No. But I would do it because I love him and his peace is my peace. But I can’t because that’s not how it works. It’s not a fair comparison-- nothing that stresses out my husband at work is my fault, but SOME of the things that stress me out at my place of work are his fault because I work in the home and he lives here, too. At the end of the day, we’re both fulfilling our vocations and making our family life happen.

Running a household isn’t hard. It’s A LOT of work, but none of it is outside the realm of ability for most adults. However, that’s not what the OP is seeking help for. She has a husband who is not just failing to make her life easier-- he finds it funny when he makes her life harder (re: lunch mess.) So, comments like “It isn’t that hard to run a household” are callous and rude on a post by a new mom adjusting to life with a new helpless life form-- on top of the big one she already had who’s being a leech and treating her like a maid, even on the weekends when he has NOT gone to this “job” that should apparently excuse him from even taking plates to a sink. It’s not inappropriate to ask him to do that and the OP should not feel bad for asking a minimal level of participation in the peaceful operation of the home that two adults occupy.

On topic, you’ve received a lot of great advice above. I don’t have anything novel to add, but I hope he’s able to see what it is he’s failing to do, which is first and foremost respect you as his wife, the mother of his very small and dependent child, and the Chief Domestic Operator of his home.

I guess my wife has it good…
Of course she is capable of doing the dishes, or taking the kids swimming. I’ve asked a lot of her over the years, I don’t think I need to ask more. She provides for us a nice home, she is a hard working successful woman. I think she does enough. Though obviously she isn’t a (ugh) man…

I guess Im shocked at two sides of this thread. One, that the idea that the man should work harder, but also at the idea that some people have married people that can’t do simple things. I don’t feel the need to train my wife to be different. And I trust her to keep the kids Alive when she does have them all to herself. She doesn’t need to worry about the dishes, I’ll get to that myself.

My wife will be traveling to a conference next week. That’s 109 hours strait I will have no break from 5 kids. It’s a piece of cake. I’ll pack her bags and shop for her toiletries make sure she has some travel money stashed somewhere and wake the kids up to take her to the airport. Because that is my job, my vocation. And when you do little things with great joy, it is simple.

 

[Xantippe]

I guess my wife has it good…
Of course she is capable of doing the dishes, or taking the kids swimming. I’ve asked a lot of her over the years, I don’t think I need to ask more. She provides for us a nice home, she is a hard working successful woman. I think she does enough. Though obviously she isn’t a (ugh) man…

I guess Im shocked at two sides of this thread. One, that the idea that the man should work harder, but also at the idea that some people have married people that can’t do simple things. I don’t feel the need to train my wife to be different. And I trust her to keep the kids Alive when she does have them all to herself. She doesn’t need to worry about the dishes, I’ll get to that myself.

My wife will be traveling to a conference next week. That’s 109 hours strait I will have no break from 5 kids. It’s a piece of cake. I’ll pack her bags and shop for her toiletries make sure she has some travel money stashed somewhere and wake the kids up to take her to the airport. Because that is my job, my vocation. And when you do little things with great joy, it is simple.

But doing the dishes could be doing little things with great joy for her.

Coincidentally, my husband just got back from a 5-day business trip (almost exactly the same length). We did just fine (although the big kids missed daddy a lot–mommy can be kind of boring when daddy is away and mommy has to do all the garbage hauling, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes and diaper changing by herself). Once my husband got home, he had decided he wanted to go straight to a games night, and he took all three kids and I went to Panera’s and ate a salad all by myself…

Now that daddy is back, the kids will have a lot more exercise and intellectual stimulation. Just today, my husband took Middle Kid to both the climbing wall and the pool for a swim lesson and did a Pokemon hunt with both big kids and was explaining the America death triangle to Middle Kid (husband is a college professor, so he has a lot of flexibility this time of year).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_death_triangle

I could not have done half of that–I had not even heard of the American death triangle until last night myself. (But I did think to order Middle Kid Physics for Dummies and I think he’s really going to like it.)

I find that in our family we get a lot more done (well beyond basics) when we’re both engaged in the project and doing what is best for our family.

If I wanted to be a single parent, I would have been a single parent…

 

[LethalMouse]

I guess my wife has it good…
Of course she is capable of doing the dishes, or taking the kids swimming. I’ve asked a lot of her over the years, I don’t think I need to ask more. She provides for us a nice home, she is a hard working successful woman. I think she does enough. Though obviously she isn’t a (ugh) man…

I guess Im shocked at two sides of this thread. One, that the idea that the man should work harder, but also at the idea that some people have married people that can’t do simple things. I don’t feel the need to train my wife to be different. And I trust her to keep the kids Alive when she does have them all to herself. She doesn’t need to worry about the dishes, I’ll get to that myself.

My wife will be traveling to a conference next week. That’s 109 hours strait I will have no break from 5 kids. It’s a piece of cake. I’ll pack her bags and shop for her toiletries make sure she has some travel money stashed somewhere and wake the kids up to take her to the airport. Because that is my job, my vocation. And when you do little things with great joy, it is simple.

I believe what you have here is some fully functional humans lacking in weird mental issues

On your last point I have noted in some threads a few of the anti men crowd will come up with some reason why your ability to handle 5 kids without a problem is irrelevant to how truly difficult it is

I have even been told that single fathers (like dead mother no CS or free babysitting)

Don’t know how hard it is for a SAHM do deal

 

[The_Bucket]

As with most things in life, perspective and attitude is what matters here the most. If you let the little things bother you, they’re gonna bother you. If you refuse to let them bother you, they won’t.

And yes, being sloppy and not great with chores is a little thing. Now, many “little things” can add up and be a big thing if, for instance, you’re dealing with a person who is obviously struggling with the vice of sloth. If all your mate does is play video games, ignores your children, does just the minimum in terms of being a breadwinner and is never trying to do things for his/her spouse… well yeah that’s a big problem.

If you’ve otherwise got a great spouse but he or she is just bad with household chores… that’s a little thing! It only becomes a big thing if you make it a big thing in your mind. And trust me, any little or medium thing can become gigantic in one’s mind if you let it. Heck, I used to lose it because my wife would leave plastic water bottles everywhere in the house. I mean, just everywhere. She drinks a ton of water (refills the bottles of course, we’re not made of money) but would leave the empties wherever she finished it.

She’s an absolutely incredible woman. Loving. Peaceful. Forgiving. Generous. A fantastic mother. A great citizen. Stunningly gorgeous. But she leaves water bottles everywhere… no matter how many times I said “pick them up” or acted passive-aggressively as I did it myself.

Eventually I just decided “the heck with this. It’s not worth getting mad about.” So… I no longer am mad about it.

I’d list the number of things she has willfully decided will no longer upset her that I do, but the list would be far too long for this entire forum.

 

[LethalMouse]

As with most things in life, perspective and attitude is what matters here the most. If you let the little things bother you, they’re gonna bother you. If you refuse to let them bother you, they won’t.

And yes, being sloppy and not great with chores is a little thing. Now, many “little things” can add up and be a big thing if, for instance, you’re dealing with a person who is obviously struggling with the vice of sloth. If all your mate does is play video games, ignores your children, does just the minimum in terms of being a breadwinner and is never trying to do things for his/her spouse… well yeah that’s a big problem.

If you’ve otherwise got a great spouse but he or she is just bad with household chores… that’s a little thing! It only becomes a big thing if you make it a big thing in your mind. And trust me, any little or medium thing can become gigantic in one’s mind if you let it. Heck, I used to lose it because my wife would leave plastic water bottles everywhere in the house. I mean, just everywhere. She drinks a ton of water (refills the bottles of course, we’re not made of money) but would leave the empties wherever she finished it.

She’s an absolutely incredible woman. Loving. Peaceful. Forgiving. Generous. A fantastic mother. A great citizen. Stunningly gorgeous. But she leaves water bottles everywhere… no matter how many times I said “pick them up” or acted passive-aggressively as I did it myself.

Eventually I just decided “the heck with this. It’s not worth getting mad about.” So… I no longer am mad about it.

I’d list the number of things she has willfully decided will no longer upset her that I do, but the list would be far too long for this entire forum.

 

[Xantippe]

I believe what you have here is some fully functional humans lacking in weird mental issues

On your last point I have noted in some threads a few of the anti men crowd will come up with some reason why your ability to handle 5 kids without a problem is irrelevant to how truly difficult it is

I have even been told that single fathers (like dead mother no CS or free babysitting)

Don’t know how hard it is for a SAHM do deal

So, nobody really has any problems because Hoosier Daddy is awesome?

 

[heidi_storage]

Hello, OP! Are you still out there? How are you doing?

 

[Xantippe]

Also, so it’s not OK for an at-home spouse to ever ask a breadwinner spouse to do ANYTHING at all?

 

[Allegra]

So, nobody really has any problems because Hoosier Daddy is awesome?

I don’t find it particularly difficult to run my household either. (At least not right at this moment. Life could certainly change that at any given time.) That doesn’t mean I’m going to let people disrespect me by leaving their garbage all over the place with the expectation that I’m going to clean it up for them. (At least not people over two.) Fortunately, my husband doesn’t expect me to wait on him hand and foot and when he gets around to noticing that he has neglected to do his part, he does it.

Offering to take someone’s plate for them out of kindness is a wonderful thing, but expecting that because you were an adult today and went to work you are entitled to leave your personal mess behind you and expect your spouse to clear it is repulsive. Furthermore, it’s a horrible example to the children. There’s a big difference between a spouse demonstrating an act of kindness by doing something simple to help the other and an already overwhelmed spouse being dumped on by their entitled partner. Most likely Hoosier Daddy is in the former situation while the OP is in the later.