Please help - how should I talk to my husband about chores?

[pensmama87]

I don’t find it particularly difficult to run my household either. (At least not right at this moment. Life could certainly change that at any given time.) That doesn’t mean I’m going to let people disrespect me by leaving their garbage all over the place with the expectation that I’m going to clean it up for them. (At least not people over two.) Fortunately, my husband doesn’t expect me to wait on him hand and foot and when he gets around to noticing that he has neglected to do his part, he does it.

Offering to take someone’s plate for them out of kindness is a wonderful thing, but expecting that because you were an adult today and went to work you are entitled to leave your personal mess behind you and expect your spouse to clear it is repulsive. Furthermore, it’s a horrible example to the children. There’s a big difference between a spouse demonstrating an act of kindness by doing something simple to help the other and an already overwhelmed spouse being dumped on by their entitled partner. Most likely Hoosier Daddy is in the former situation while the OP is in the later.

Right.

I have three now and I get lots of “how hard that must be!” and “you’ve got your hands full!” but IMO having just one was harder. My marriage is stronger now, we have a better support network, our financial picture is better, and yes, I’ve developed some skills I didn’t have. I also had undiagnosed PPD for over a year with my first, and based on the OP’s other threads I think that’s something to look at. But the learning curve with one is very, very steep!

Some people might not have that particular roughness. God must have other plans for them. But even though it’s a bit of a trial by fire and a possibly brutal lesson in humility (that was my experience ) it can get better and will. It’s good that the OP is seeking help. It would be far worse to stay shut up at home and think everything is all her fault. (I remember my therapist saying those are the stay at home parents who come to her on pills ten to twenty years later, because they were desperate for help but thought they should be able to manage alone, and end up self-medicating to cope in a way that doesn’t expose their weaknesses.)

 

[Xantippe]

Right.

I have three now and I get lots of “how hard that must be!” and “you’ve got your hands full!” but IMO having just one was harder. My marriage is stronger now, we have a better support network, our financial picture is better, and yes, I’ve developed some skills I didn’t have. I also had undiagnosed PPD for over a year with my first, and based on the OP’s other threads I think that’s something to look at. But the learning curve with one is very, very steep!

Some people might not have that particular roughness. God must have other plans for them. But even though it’s a bit of a trial by fire and a possibly brutal lesson in humility (that was my experience ) it can get better and will. It’s good that the OP is seeking help. It would be far worse to stay shut up at home and think everything is all her fault. (I remember my therapist saying those are the stay at home parents who come to her on pills ten to twenty years later, because they were desperate for help but thought they should be able to manage alone, and end up self-medicating to cope in a way that doesn’t expose their weaknesses.)

First paragraph–That’s great!

Second paragraph–

 

[pensmama87]

And before I get jumped on for saying the OP is going to be a drug addict (I’m not, by the way), I’m saying that I think it’s the opposite of compassion to tell a person who admits she (or he!) is struggling, “You think that’s hard? Here’s what I do upside down and backwards, and I never complain.”

Sometimes I think we forget that some of us have natural aptitudes for things, and/or had the environments where those aptitudes could flourish. We then make the mistake of assuming our abilities are solely based on our own innate merits and could be achieved by anyone if they just quit whining.

I don’t advocate learned helplessness. But the OP isn’t where she wants to be and “suck it up” isn’t very meaningful advice. If she’s like me, she needs to learn how to do that, and some personalities just have a harder time learning it. If someone asks me how to get organized, I don’t tell them, “Well, you should just do it.” I show them how.

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t advocate learned helplessness. But the OP isn’t where she wants to be and “suck it up” isn’t very meaningful advice. If she’s like me, she needs to learn how to do that, and some personalities just have a harder time learning it. If someone asks me how to get organized, I don’t tell them, “Well, you should just do it.” I show them how.

There’s a middle way. Working to address the issue with the husband to ensure that the sloth on this front doesn’t bleed into other aspects of life, especially as baby gets older… and also working on self-discipline so that the OP can simply do what they say in Frozen and “Let it Go… let it go!”

My advice on that, incidentally, isn’t to wave away the problems. It’s so that the issue doesn’t become so overwhelming that it hurts her and prevents her from being able to work constructively with her spouse to address the problem.

 

[pensmama87]

First paragraph–That’s great!

Second paragraph–

She got her professional start in rehab facilities, so she had a lot of stories. We picture addicts as poor dirty people living under bridges, but she told me over and over how glad she was I humbled myself to ask for help early. Lots of yuppie moms swiping their teens’ and preteens’ behavior meds so they could function. Plus alcohol, food, and other legal easy access fixes. All to maintain the image that “I can do it all.”

(Didn’t this also happen in those glorious years called the Fifties?)

If you need help, ASK. Be vulnerable. You won’t grow if you insist on no assistance.

 

[pensmama87]

There’s a middle way. Working to address the issue with the husband to ensure that the sloth on this front doesn’t bleed into other aspects of life, especially as baby gets older… and also working on self-discipline so that the OP can simply do what they say in Frozen and “Let it Go… let it go!”

My advice on that, incidentally, isn’t to wave away the problems. It’s so that the issue doesn’t become so overwhelming that it hurts her and prevents her from being able to work constructively with her spouse to address the problem.

I would agree entirely with this. Letting go is really hard work for some of us!

 

[LethalMouse]

Also, so it’s not OK for an at-home spouse to ever ask a breadwinner spouse to do ANYTHING at all?

Of course that is insane lol.

My point is love is not about the technical division of labor.

In this situation the OP lavks far more than “work” or labor…

She lacks a grown husband sharing love, life, moral support. I don’t have to be there to know that if I sat on video games for all of Sat/Sun and spent my free week time playing with my “cool car” I could not be there for my wife.

Some of the labor is a given in that to be there you will do it.

I used to hang out with my best friend at our job when one of us was working and the other not. To be friends and hang out with much “hey I am not working right now” jokes etc.

The one not working always ended up doing a bunch of stuff. Not out of necessity or the other parties entitlement or any such stuff…

We did it in a sense of

1. Just being there, people like to move occasionally…
2. Commradary etc, I am standing next to my friend and he needs something that is closer to me why not hand it when I am sitting or standing idle? What level of lazy jerkery would one need to not?

It is in the end not a division of labor nor entitlements nor whatever social teachings exist.

It is LOVE and being a decent person. When you Love right the rest is to be had by default.

 

[LethalMouse]

So, nobody really has any problems because Hoosier Daddy is awesome?

I said “humanS”

In that the wife apparently or supposedly also shares awesomeness

Whether the life stated by the poster is an accurate portrayal or not, that which was stated was good. We never know people intotality

If you note I side generally with the OP here but gave my riders in my first post

Car (assuming not broken)

Comouter (assuming video games.)

Now what if they are poor and he has to work on the car to keep it running lest he not get to work and they be homeless?

What if his time on the comouter is for work or some such thing? Or one of them had a medical issue and he is researching every avenue?

What if Hossier Daddy is awesome?

What if his rendition of things is false wishful thinking and he is a serial killer who has his wife chained in a basement?

IDK

I am on here as a man, divorced and a father…

Maybe I am a lesbian married with no kids ???

Idk…

 

[Xantippe]

She got her professional start in rehab facilities, so she had a lot of stories. We picture addicts as poor dirty people living under bridges, but she told me over and over how glad she was I humbled myself to ask for help early. Lots of yuppie moms swiping their teens’ and preteens’ behavior meds so they could function. Plus alcohol, food, and other legal easy access fixes. All to maintain the image that “I can do it all.”

(Didn’t this also happen in those glorious years called the Fifties?)

If you need help, ASK. Be vulnerable. You won’t grow if you insist on no assistance.

Yeah. Mrs. Robinson and the Rolling Stones’ Mother’s Little Helper come to mind.

lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/mothers+little+helper_20117873.html

 

[Kay_Cee]

Boy, do I hear you.

My husband, after I had gone to bed and was asleep, would take at hot, steamy shower. And then–get this!–when he was all done, he would close the bathroom door. I would get up in the morning, and the bathroom walls would still be wet.

As you can imagine, that caused a huge problem with mold buildup. I’d have to spend hours upon hours cleaning the mold off the walls because HE JUST WOULDN’T LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN!!!

For crying out loud, how hard is it to leave the door open? And somehow he couldn’t manage it. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get him to leave the door open afterward.

I finally told him that it was only fair that the person who had caused the problem would have to clean up the mess and that I was done with cleaning the mold off. And I stuck to it (we fortunately have two bathrooms, and I could shower in the other one). So I just let the mold grow. Eventually it was so bad he went to clean it off himself.

It took only that one time of him having to do it himself to get him to leave the door open.

I suggest that if your husband won’t do his share of the chores, you allow him to reap the consequences of his inaction. Let the trash pile up if he won’t take it out. If he can’t bother to get his dirty clothes into the laundry basket, don’t wash those. Stop enabling hm and let him see what happens when he doesn’t do his fair share.

 

[Xantippe]

Boy, do I hear you.

My husband, after I had gone to bed and was asleep, would take at hot, steamy shower. And then–get this!–when he was all done, he would close the bathroom door. I would get up in the morning, and the bathroom walls would still be wet.

As you can imagine, that caused a huge problem with mold buildup. I’d have to spend hours upon hours cleaning the mold off the walls because HE JUST WOULDN’T LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN!!!

For crying out loud, how hard is it to leave the door open? And somehow he couldn’t manage it. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get him to leave the door open afterward.

I finally told him that it was only fair that the person who had caused the problem would have to clean up the mess and that I was done with cleaning the mold off. And I stuck to it (we fortunately have two bathrooms, and I could shower in the other one). So I just let the mold grow. Eventually it was so bad he went to clean it off himself.

It took only that one time of him having to do it himself to get him to leave the door open.

I suggest that if your husband won’t do his share of the chores, you allow him to reap the consequences of his inaction. Let the trash pile up if he won’t take it out. If he can’t bother to get his dirty clothes into the laundry basket, don’t wash those. Stop enabling hm and let him see what happens when he doesn’t do his fair share.

Yay to the bold!

I do worry about your last paragraph, though, because a lot of times, it mostly punishes the tidy spouse. Things can go pretty far before a spacey spouse notices mess, trash, or laundry issues by themselves. For examples of how far, check out TLC’s Hoarders.

tlc.com/tv-shows/hoarding-buried-alive/about-the-show/about-hoarding-buried-alive/

So, letting things go (not in the Frozen sense but in the giving up sense) can be dangerous.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Yay to the bold!

I do worry about your last paragraph, though, because a lot of times, it mostly punishes the tidy spouse. Things can go pretty far before a spacey spouse notices mess, trash, or laundry issues by themselves. For examples of how far, check out TLC’s Hoarders.

tlc.com/tv-shows/hoarding-buried-alive/about-the-show/about-hoarding-buried-alive/

So, letting things go (not in the Frozen sense but in the giving up sense) can be dangerous.

If there is hoarding, there’s a psychological problem going on. I’m talking about husbands who are just plain lazy.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Right.

I have three now and I get lots of “how hard that must be!” and “you’ve got your hands full!” but IMO having just one was harder. My marriage is stronger now, we have a better support network, our financial picture is better, and yes, I’ve developed some skills I didn’t have. I also had undiagnosed PPD for over a year with my first, and based on the OP’s other threads I think that’s something to look at. But the learning curve with one is very, very steep!

Some people might not have that particular roughness. God must have other plans for them. But even though it’s a bit of a trial by fire and a possibly brutal lesson in humility (that was my experience ) it can get better and will. It’s good that the OP is seeking help. It would be far worse to stay shut up at home and think everything is all her fault. (I remember my therapist saying those are the stay at home parents who come to her on pills ten to twenty years later, because they were desperate for help but thought they should be able to manage alone, and end up self-medicating to cope in a way that doesn’t expose their weaknesses.)

I know I’m a little late here, but DS hasn’t given me enough time to respond sooner.

We have two on earth now, a toddler and a newborn. Yes, there are a few things that are a little harder. Yes, I do have less free time than I used to. However, overall, I can’t possibly say how much easier the last six weeks have been than the same timeframe with DD! Part of it is that, like you, I had PPD with my first, and I’m being treated appropriately for that now. Part of it is that babies aren’t huge unknowns. Part of it is that I actually have local friends. And a huge part of it is that DH and I are communicating and helping one another much, much better now than when I had DD. I had bought into some pretty extreme attachment parenting ideas (nothing wrong with AP, per se, but like anything it can be taken too far) and as a result wouldn’t let DH help me at all with DD; I honestly thought that only bad mothers let their husbands, say, hold the baby while taking a shower. I also didn’t even ask him to do so, so he didn’t know I needed that help, and then I’d resent him for not even offering…you get the idea. If he made an effort to help, my attitude was generally “too little, too late, why don’t you always do that?!” Bad cycle.

Now, he volunteers to help out a bit more, and I ask for help more than I did before (nothing drastic, but “hey, could you hold DS while I shower/start the laundry or dishes/put DD to bed”). He makes an effort to be slightly more tidy, and when he puts his laundry in the hamper or hangs up his towel, two things that do not come naturally to him, I make a point of telling him I appreciate it. He spends more time with me and less time gaming in the evenings, and I try to read up on political/news/sports things to be able to talk to him about topics he enjoys. It took that initial trial by fire to get to where we are, as well as my finding tools that would help me even get to the point of being able to ask for help–i.e., taking an antidepressant, working out daily, eating well, and so on all put me in a better mental state which makes me a nicer person to be married to.

Things aren’t perfect: I still get moody and irritable sometimes, and he sometimes escapes into his games, but overall…SO MUCH BETTER than before.

 

[Xantippe]

I know I’m a little late here, but DS hasn’t given me enough time to respond sooner.

We have two on earth now, a toddler and a newborn. Yes, there are a few things that are a little harder. Yes, I do have less free time than I used to. However, overall, I can’t possibly say how much easier the last six weeks have been than the same timeframe with DD! Part of it is that, like you, I had PPD with my first, and I’m being treated appropriately for that now. Part of it is that babies aren’t huge unknowns. Part of it is that I actually have local friends. And a huge part of it is that DH and I are communicating and helping one another much, much better now than when I had DD. I had bought into some pretty extreme attachment parenting ideas (nothing wrong with AP, per se, but like anything it can be taken too far) and as a result wouldn’t let DH help me at all with DD; I honestly thought that only bad mothers let their husbands, say, hold the baby while taking a shower. I also didn’t even ask him to do so, so he didn’t know I needed that help, and then I’d resent him for not even offering…you get the idea. If he made an effort to help, my attitude was generally “too little, too late, why don’t you always do that?!” Bad cycle.

Now, he volunteers to help out a bit more, and I ask for help more than I did before (nothing drastic, but “hey, could you hold DS while I shower/start the laundry or dishes/put DD to bed”). He makes an effort to be slightly more tidy, and when he puts his laundry in the hamper or hangs up his towel, two things that do not come naturally to him, I make a point of telling him I appreciate it. He spends more time with me and less time gaming in the evenings, and I try to read up on political/news/sports things to be able to talk to him about topics he enjoys. It took that initial trial by fire to get to where we are, as well as my finding tools that would help me even get to the point of being able to ask for help–i.e., taking an antidepressant, working out daily, eating well, and so on all put me in a better mental state which makes me a nicer person to be married to.

Things aren’t perfect: I still get moody and irritable sometimes, and he sometimes escapes into his games, but overall…SO MUCH BETTER than before.

Awwww!

So happy for you!

 

[pensmama87]

I know I’m a little late here, but DS hasn’t given me enough time to respond sooner.

We have two on earth now, a toddler and a newborn. Yes, there are a few things that are a little harder. Yes, I do have less free time than I used to. However, overall, I can’t possibly say how much easier the last six weeks have been than the same timeframe with DD! Part of it is that, like you, I had PPD with my first, and I’m being treated appropriately for that now. Part of it is that babies aren’t huge unknowns. Part of it is that I actually have local friends. And a huge part of it is that DH and I are communicating and helping one another much, much better now than when I had DD. I had bought into some pretty extreme attachment parenting ideas (nothing wrong with AP, per se, but like anything it can be taken too far) and as a result wouldn’t let DH help me at all with DD; I honestly thought that only bad mothers let their husbands, say, hold the baby while taking a shower. I also didn’t even ask him to do so, so he didn’t know I needed that help, and then I’d resent him for not even offering…you get the idea. If he made an effort to help, my attitude was generally “too little, too late, why don’t you always do that?!” Bad cycle.

Now, he volunteers to help out a bit more, and I ask for help more than I did before (nothing drastic, but “hey, could you hold DS while I shower/start the laundry or dishes/put DD to bed”). He makes an effort to be slightly more tidy, and when he puts his laundry in the hamper or hangs up his towel, two things that do not come naturally to him, I make a point of telling him I appreciate it. He spends more time with me and less time gaming in the evenings, and I try to read up on political/news/sports things to be able to talk to him about topics he enjoys. It took that initial trial by fire to get to where we are, as well as my finding tools that would help me even get to the point of being able to ask for help–i.e., taking an antidepressant, working out daily, eating well, and so on all put me in a better mental state which makes me a nicer person to be married to.

Things aren’t perfect: I still get moody and irritable sometimes, and he sometimes escapes into his games, but overall…SO MUCH BETTER than before.

Yay! That’s great! Glad you’re doing well.

 

[Jennifer132]

I have been married 14 years this August, and have five children at home, ages 11 down to 1, and I homeschool. My husband works 6-6, M through F. So I do know what it’s like to have a lot on your plate and feel like you don’t have the support you need.

What I want to say may or may not be helpful to you, but it was/is helpful to me when I felt like I wasn’t getting the help I need from my husband re: chores.

Realize that everyone has different levels of tolerance for cleanliness. My husband, for example, doesn’t mind grimy toilets, or laundry piles, or a dirty tub. Me, if things start getting too messy, I start to get frustrated and cranky. In my opinion, if your husband is ok with the mess, and it’s really you who “needs” it to be clean, you should probably worry about keeping it clean yourself (for the most part).

Try seeing it from his point of view. Say he really likes to keep the car shiny and clean, oil changed and everything cleaned out of the car. But you’re okay driving it around a bit dusty and messy. Do you think you should have to wash the car and clean it out on a regular basis? If he wants it a certain way, he should have to maintain that. I have realized that if I want my house in a certain condition, I have to be the one responsible for that, because no one else in my family cares! now, if your husband is giving you a hard time about chores and the mess and yet not lifting a finger, then that’s a different scenario.

Realize too, that most people aren’t going to suddenly care and want things cleaner. I have hounded my older children about their rooms for years! Years! And still, I’m the only one who cares about whether the space is clean or not. So if asking repeatedly hasn’t worked, it’s probably not going to work in the future. I would focus more on compromising how clean I feel it has to be. Let the things go that bother you less, or make a stricter routine for cleaning if you can’t let things go.

Whatever you do, for the sake of your marriage, don’t allow yourself to become bitter about his lack of help. I’ve finally realized that his lack of help isn’t because he’s lazy or selfish or something, it’s that it simply isn’t important to him to have things perfectly clean. And that ok. Everyone has preferences!

One strategy I have used in the past too, is asking for a specific task in the moment I need it. So, “husband, can I ask you a favor? Would you do the dishes while I bath the baby?”. Also, he can’t seem to remember any more than one task at a time, (which just shows how much preference plays into this, because he is a master multi tasker at work), so I always ask for only one chore at a time. Then when he finishes, I’ll sometimes immediately ask for another. So I may ask him to take the trash out (after bagging it myself) and then I’ll stop him when he gets in and ask him to change the crib sheet.

Also, work on appreciating what he does do. It’s always helpful to see others in a positive light whenever you can.