Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

[PhiloMed]

[Disclaimer: I have few if any dogs in his race]

There is something frustrating about a this sort of thread (especially if it is a pattern – I am not familiar enough with the OP to know if that is the case here or not)
**OP: ***I am seeking advice about situation *X.

**Respondent: ***I advise course of action *Y.

**OP: **Don’t afvise course of action Y! Give me different advice.
:twocents: It’s okay to want several options of advice :twocents: But when you solicit advice, don’t be surprised that you may receive well-intentioned advice you would rather not hear. :twocents:


tee

Exactly.

And then when the OP posts about the same type of issues over. and over. and over. and over again, always getting the same type of advice and being unhappy with it- Well, you can imagine why some posts begin to edge on snarky.

 

[Lea101]

Thank you for this. On photos I look like a wrinkled old crone. When I first tried this chromebook, I accidentally pressed camera and wondered who the wrinkly on the screen was… HORROR When I moved so did she… But then I am old enough to be wrinkled… For me much of the time when I am upset by something it is because with this illness I get overtired very fast and that is why I almost always close down here around 3 or 4pm…Often simple physical ailments like a cold cause emotions to run riot

If you need to talk to someone, yes. I am happy to be that person for other and I have someone can sound off to.

I live two hours drive from anywhere too.

I’m 18, I have no excuse to look like that lol! Cameras should be banned honestly. I remember feeling really pretty but then I saw a picture of myself taken on that day and yikes. And don’t get me started about flipped pictures…

I always get like this (looks) all the time. I do feel angry about my gender before that time of the month. It’s like my body hates being a girl too, hahaha

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think anyone thinks therapy/counselling is evil. It’s just not nice when you ask someone for help/you want to vent to someone and they brush it off by telling you to get therapy. I’ve had plenty of these experiences here.

I’ve been told to see a priest for something that has nothing to do with religion.** Sometimes all a person wants is to hear from you, to have a conversation. Not to pay their hard earned money/their parents’ hard earned money for counselling.** . Not everyone can just shell out some money to talk to someone (therapy is usually unnecessary for mentally sane people, counselling is recommended instead). You can mention stuff like insurance but for example, I can’t get mental health coverage unless it’s something really, really serious. And I don’t even think my dad for insurance for me. Especially when the person is not showing any signs of a mental illness. People always say to go get counseling the moment someone is upset. It’s just annoying, honestly. I should be glad, since I’m studying psychology and these people are the ones that will make me rich lol. But again, it’s annoying.

Like the OP, I am preoccupied with beauty (bc I look like a drugged up rat, and in photos: an abused+drugged up rat, lol) and it’s just annoying when people act like I’m in desperate need of professional help. My life/health is not in danger. So I can understand the resentment some people have over the ‘therapy’ comments.

It’s like how most of us don’t run to the doctor if they have a runny nose/a cold. I think the same situation applies here. (Although in these cases, the OP is usually not mentally ill. But of course, it’s impossible to tell)

At some point, friends have had the same conversation enough times that they don’t feel like repeating it is helping anybody. And that’s not a failure in friendship on their part.

Or, as I have said before (about real life situations), at some point friendship ends and social work begins…

 

[Elena321]

[Disclaimer: I have few if any dogs in his race]

There is something frustrating about a this sort of thread (especially if it is a pattern – I am not familiar enough with the OP to know if that is the case here or not)
**OP: ***I am seeking advice about situation *X.

**Respondent: ***I advise course of action *Y.

**OP: **Don’t afvise course of action Y! Give me different advice.
:twocents: It’s okay to want several options of advice :twocents: But when you solicit advice, don’t be surprised that you may receive well-intentioned advice you would rather not hear. :twocents:


tee

Sure but the frustration is your(not literally your’s but whoever gets frustrated) issue and not mine/the OP’s and should be recognised as such.
In this case the “frustrated one” should practice self control & not post anything & ignore that thread.
Also it shouldn’t be assumed because someone is still “stuck” on a matter(any matter) that they weren’t receptive to the advice given.Maybe not your advice(if they saw holes in your logic etc) but they could have learnt a lot from other peoples advice/perceptions.

 

[Elena321]

Exactly.

And then when the OP posts about the same type of issues over. and over. and over. and over again, always getting the same type of advice and being unhappy with it- Well, you can imagine why some posts begin to edge on snarky.

CAF has thousands of threads…why do you feel the need to post on mine?
Wouldn’t your time be better off spent posting something kind on another thread instead of upsetting me and making me feel that I should leave CAF altogether?

 

[Rosebud77]

[Disclaimer: I have few if any dogs in his race]

There is something frustrating about a this sort of thread (especially if it is a pattern – I am not familiar enough with the OP to know if that is the case here or not)
**OP: ***I am seeking advice about situation *X.

**Respondent: ***I advise course of action *Y.

**OP: **Don’t afvise course of action Y! Give me different advice.
:twocents: It’s okay to want several options of advice :twocents: But when you solicit advice, don’t be surprised that you may receive well-intentioned advice you would rather not hear. :twocents:


tee

Well put Sir!

 

[redbetta]

OP, something I’ve been wondering about. Why do you never mention which ethnicity/country that you come from that is so beauty-focused? I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while, but, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a culture that meets that description. And, it is likely that plenty of people on here have never encountered that it either. Maybe people would be more sympathetic or understanding of your questions if given a more tangible context.

Anyway, I’m young: I don’t know everything. Just a suggestion, feel free to take it or not. By the way, I’m sorry if you were hurt or annoyed by anyone in this thread.

 

[Lea101]

OP, something I’ve been wondering about. Why do you never mention which ethnicity/country that you come from that is so beauty-focused? I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while, but, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a culture that meets that description. And, it is likely that plenty of people on here have never encountered that it either. Maybe people would be more sympathetic or understanding of your questions if given a more tangible context.

Anyway, I’m young: I don’t know everything. Just a suggestion, feel free to take it or not. By the way, I’m sorry if you were hurt or annoyed by anyone in this thread.

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

 

[RPRPsych]

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

As a fat Indian, I can sympathize.

 

[Lea101]

At some point, friends have had the same conversation enough times that they don’t feel like repeating it is helping anybody. And that’s not a failure in friendship on their part.

Or, as I have said before (about real life situations), at some point friendship ends and social work begins…

Saying ‘get therapy’ every time this conversation pops up does not really count

There’s a reason why a person would ignore that advice-cannot afford, risk of idk, losing a job (some people get fired when the boss finds out that the employee is not ‘sane’), anxiety when talking about issues to real people (I rather slit my throat than to tell a friend about any of these issues I post on forums), stuff like that.

Like I said, if I cannot afford therapy, saying 'get therapy" would be the most useless thing you can ever say. Idk about the OP’s situation though.

Unless OP rejects every single piece of advice you gave her, and then you offer therapy and she rejects it (which I genuinely do not know) your point is kind of moot.

She just seems to be insecure, we cannot tell if she has a mental illness or not, asking her to get therapy seems extremely dismissive, even if it was not your intention.

 

[Lea101]

As a fat Indian, I can sympathize.

 

[Lea101]

At some point, friends have had the same conversation enough times that they don’t feel like repeating it is helping anybody. And that’s not a failure in friendship on their part.

Or, as I have said before (about real life situations), at some point friendship ends and social work begins…

And anyway, her posts may have a common theme but this post in particular was just 2 questions. In relation to her issues with beauty? Sure. But it’s not like she is repeating the same thing IMO

 

[tee_eff_em]

Saying ‘get therapy’ every time this conversation pops up does not really count

There’s a reason why a person would ignore that advice-cannot afford, risk of idk, losing a job (some people get fired when the boss finds out that the employee is not ‘sane’), anxiety when talking about issues to real people (I rather slit my throat than to tell a friend about any of these issues I post on forums), stuff like that.

Like I said, if I cannot afford therapy, saying 'get therapy" would be the most useless thing you can ever say. Idk about the OP’s situation though.

Unless OP rejects every single piece of advice you gave her, and then you offer therapy and she rejects it (which I genuinely do not know) your point is kind of moot.

She just seems to be insecure, we cannot tell if she has a mental illness or not, asking her to get therapy seems extremely dismissive, even if it was not your intention.

Generalizing ((i) I have not closely read this thread to comment to the particular, and (ii) I try to not give such personal advice in public fora in any case):

If someone is insecure or has low self-esteem, and if this is becaue of his* looks, the solutions off the top of my head are:

• 
  *]Become more beautiful (however that may be done)
  *]Improve his looks to the point where he is more comfortable with them.
  *]Seek therapy, especially to help with (ii) above.
  *]Move to a place where beauty is not considered his primary value.
  
  (* See what I did there?)
  
  
  tee

 

[Xantippe]

Generalizing ((i) I have not closely read this thread to comment to the particular, and (ii) I try to not give such personal advice in public fora in any case):

If someone is insecure or has low self-esteem, and if this is becaue of his* looks, the solutions off the top of my head are:

• 
  *]Become more beautiful (however that may be done)
  *]Improve his looks to the point where he is more comfortable with them.
  *]Seek therapy, especially to help with (ii) above.
  *]Move to a place where beauty is not considered his primary value.
  
  (* See what I did there?)
  
  
  tee

• 
  Right. Also maybe “find enjoyable activities where looks are irrelevant.”
  
  I notice that “talk about how terrible it is not being pretty” and “obsess about the consequences of losing looks” and “criticize the opposite sex for being looks-obsessed pigs” are not on your list.

 

[redbetta]

Idk the OP, but I’m of Indian ethnicity and it’s commom for old Indians to greet you and then talk about your looks/weight. Maybe OP is Asian too, our cultures can be like this.

Funny, I’ve lived all my life in a neighborhood where 80% of the residents are from Indian or have parents from India and I’ve never noticed that. My family’s from Europe and I’ve crossed that off. Asian would be my first guess too, but, what do I know?

 

[pianistclare]

Sure but the frustration is your(not literally your’s but whoever gets frustrated) issue and not mine/the OP’s and should be recognised as such.
In this case the “frustrated one” should practice self control & not post anything & ignore that thread.
Also it shouldn’t be assumed because someone is still “stuck” on a matter(any matter) that they weren’t receptive to the advice given.Maybe not your advice(if they saw holes in your logic etc) but they could have learnt a lot from other peoples advice/perceptions.

WHAT?

So we’re supposed to mind read and just agree with everyone on everything?
You’re kidding. People come here to help, not to criticize.
If you feel like people are too critical of you, then don’t post! Simple.
But when you ask, people will answer.

I’m out.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, to be very frank, it’s not your looks that determine your long-term marital happiness. See, for example, Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor…At a lower level, one often sees that very pretty women suffer from the fact that a lot of men find them desirable, but these women often have a hard time making good matches.

If one has a certain basic level of attractiveness as a woman, at some point it’s up to one’s personality to sell the deal. As the first line of Gone With the Wind goes, “Scarlet O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were.”

 

[Lorelei12]

I’m betting a lot of us on here are married to people who, despite the fact that we look different than we used to, have not left us yet. I met my husband more than 10 years ago. I was prettier and skinnier. I might not objectively be as attractive as I used to be, but I’m his wife, he loves me, he loves that I carried and gave birth to his son, and he still tells me I’m attractive. As far as I know he has no plans to leave me.

Becoming “less attractive” can take many forms. I’m not always as nice to him as I should be. I nag sometimes. We fight on occasion. He doesn’t like that I leave water bottles all over the place or spill things on the keyboard. I don’t like that he turned out to be a bit more of a slob than I imagined he was before we married or that he leaves the closet door open all the time.

If you marry someone who doesn’t take marriage seriously, then yes it’s possible that he might leave if you aren’t as attracted to him anymore. If you marry the right person, someone who believes that marriage is permanent despite any and all of these things, you won’t need to wonder whether he’s going to leave you. It’s no use borrowing trouble; just be wise and discerning in your choice of a spouse.

 

[Xantippe]

**I’m betting a lot of us on here are married to people who, despite the fact that we look different than we used to, have not left us yet. **I met my husband more than 10 years ago. I was prettier and skinnier. I might not objectively be as attractive as I used to be, but I’m his wife, he loves me, he loves that I carried and gave birth to his son, and he still tells me I’m attractive. As far as I know he has no plans to leave me.

Becoming “less attractive” can take many forms. I’m not always as nice to him as I should be. I nag sometimes. We fight on occasion. He doesn’t like that I leave water bottles all over the place or spill things on the keyboard. I don’t like that he turned out to be a bit more of a slob than I imagined he was before we married or that he leaves the closet door open all the time.

Yes!

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that after a number of years of being married, I have stopped noticing what my husband looks like. His attractiveness, (or unattractiveness at times, ) has much more to do with his personality and not his looks. In fact, someone that saw a photo of him said to me once, that he was very good looking. For a split second, I had to think and I said well yes, I suppose he is. I forgot that since his personality matters more to me. I am absolutely sure he married me for my personality and not how I look. I think I am average looking, not good or bad. But since he hardly ever comments on my looks, and never has, it couldnt have been that important to him.