Question re: Husband staring at other females

[Lou2U]

Thanks very much for your kind (name removed by moderator)ut in all of this, TruthFaith. I definitely appreciate it. Yes, we do have children, but no daughters. That would be a good form of reasoning to bring up with my husband if we did, though.

Maybe you could ask him how he would feel if his sons were treating their wives in the way he is?

Lou

 

[bmaj]

The OP did not get married to be controlled by her husband, and she has not tricked her husband. I am glad for you that you have never had any kind of relationship where you have been controlled or told you are being ridiculous, as the OP’s husband has.

What the OP needs is advice, not being told she signed up for it so she needs to suck it up.

OP, you said before you went to counselling on your own because your husband wouldn’t go with you - do you think it would help you to go again?

Lou

Thanks so much for your very kind and understanding words, Lou. They truly help. You make an excellent point – it may very well help for me to go to counseling again if this doesn’t get resolved through a discussion between my husband and I.

 

[bmaj]

Maybe you could ask him how he would feel if his sons were treating their wives in the way he is?

Lou

Good thought to consider, Lou. Thanks.

 

[LethalMouse]

Thank you for the (name removed by moderator)ut, LethalMouse, but I think you might be viewing me as almost the same as your past girlfriend who you feel tricked you into believing she was someone she wasn’t. I never pretended to agree with my husband in an attempt to avoid conflict. In fact, before we were married and for several years after we actually agreed on most things and were blissfully in love! It was actually only years after children came along that I realized if I voiced an opinion contrary to his he would, depending on the day, likely verbally admonish me and treat my feelings as unfounded and “ridiculous.” It wasn’t until after I discovered his porn viewing a few years ago that I realized the extent at which he was staring at other females in public. Prior to that, I never really paid attention to how long he looked at anything.

May I ask if you are married? If you are, perhaps that might make a bit of sense to you. If you’re single, I hope you won’t view each person you date as trying to trick you.

May Our Lord bless you on this journey through life filled with many lessons to learn!

Divorced.

And AH!!

Yes then you know how to pluck me

Clearly he had hidden things porn and such. And since it was a shock to you I take it it was a lie until you found it tben a “shut up you are ridiculous” was his caught response??

Hmmm he sounds like perhaps he was playing and cant handle getting caught. Which is perhaos also more in line with my earlier post that he also has lashing out as a cope for guilt.

That does sound rather bad, and I am not even as concerned with porn by itself but in its surprise nature…

Things should not be in the dark.

Have a counsler just show up lol… idk if he really wont go I am sorry for you.

But again assumption on catholicyness, could you get him to talj to a preist???

 

[LethalMouse]

Have you actually read the latest post by the OP?

OP, I’m so sorry things have been difficult for you. Just keep trying to get him to listen, and don’t feel like you should be sorry for his actions.

Lou

Nope, had not seen it at the time of writing that happens.

 

[bmaj]

Divorced.

And AH!!

Yes then you know how to pluck me

Clearly he had hidden things porn and such. And since it was a shock to you I take it it was a lie until you found it tben a “shut up you are ridiculous” was his caught response??

Hmmm he sounds like perhaps he was playing and cant handle getting caught. Which is perhaos also more in line with my earlier post that he also has lashing out as a cope for guilt.

That does sound rather bad, and I am not even as concerned with porn by itself but in its surprise nature…

Things should not be in the dark.

Have a counsler just show up lol… idk if he really wont go I am sorry for you.

But again assumption on catholicyness, could you get him to talj to a preist???

You’re right, LethalMouse… his lashing out may very well be a coping mechanism for the guilt he feels, both from the past porn use and the continuing leering in public. Hard to tell, but I’ll keep working on trying to get him to understand my feelings. One day at a time is all I can do right now. He wouldn’t come to see a counselor with me in the past, so I doubt it would be agreed upon now, but one never knows. Since he’s a pick-and-choose cafeteria Catholic, I doubt even more that he would join me to speak with a Priest, but thank you for the recommendations.

 

[HelenRose]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

My husband notices a beautiful young woman (for that matter so do I) but he does not ogle, stare, or in any way treat that young woman or me in a disrespectful manner. Your husband has crossed the line of appreciating beauty to something quite different.

The only advice I can give is for you to know you are justified in your reaction. Perhaps you can take photos of him googling a girl so he can recognize how foolish he looks.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

You definitely aren’t being overly sensitive. That is very poor behaviour on your husband’s part. Equally bad is the fact that he insists he is doing nothing wrong and gives you the cold shoulder. You are 100% in the right. If I ever noticed your husband (or any man) looking at me that way, I would be offended and creeped out.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to get somebody so immature to realise the error of their ways. But IMO it borders on adultery to behave in that way. I suppose you could pray for him and be more assertive with him, telling him that he is in the wrong and not backing down.

 

[bmaj]

You definitely aren’t being overly sensitive. That is very poor behaviour on your husband’s part. Equally bad is the fact that he insists he is doing nothing wrong and gives you the cold shoulder. You are 100% in the right. If I ever noticed your husband (or any man) looking at me that way, I would be offended and creeped out.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to get somebody so immature to realise the error of their ways. But IMO it borders on adultery to behave in that way. I suppose you could pray for him and be more assertive with him, telling him that he is in the wrong and not backing down.

Thank you for your insight, ShrodingersCat. I appreciate it. I definitely pray for him daily, and I’m working on being much more assertive about my feelings. I think deep down he must know it’s wrong, but who knows. God bless.

 

[Isca]

Sorry about your situation, OP. I’m now happily married after years of being with a controlling man, so I know how the self-esteem can be eroded.

My relationship with my husband is so relaxed I might often comment if we pass a beautiful girl and say “Oh, how lovely that girl is!” And he always says “you’re prettier than her” (which isn’t ever true, as I’m in my late 50s with grey hair and I look my age etc). But the great thing is, he actually means it - which is overwhelming to me, because he looks at me with the eyes of love. And that’s what’s important, really.

I do hope things improve for you and you are able to get your husband to understand that his behaviour is hurtful to you. God bless you. x

 

[bmaj]

Sorry about your situation, OP. I’m now happily married after years of being with a controlling man, so I know how the self-esteem can be eroded.

My relationship with my husband is so relaxed I might often comment if we pass a beautiful girl and say “Oh, how lovely that girl is!” And he always says “you’re prettier than her” (which isn’t ever true, as I’m in my late 50s with grey hair and I look my age etc). But the great thing is, he actually means it - which is overwhelming to me, because he looks at me with the eyes of love. And that’s what’s important, really.

I do hope things improve for you and you are able to get your husband to understand that his behaviour is hurtful to you. God bless you. x

Thanks so much, Isca. I’m very glad you now have a wonderful husband who is so loving! It sounds much deserved after years with a controlling man. Wonderful! May Our Lord continue to bless you.

 

[Clearwater14]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful for your husband to do this. I caught my husband doing this a few times. I would get up and leave. I would actually go home and leave him in the restaurant by himself. I even told him if he didn’t change I would leave him for good. He has changed now and tries not to ogle other women. I feel that watching porn made him like this. I found out that he was watching porn and I was very hurt. Again, I told him that I don’t want that trash in my house and if he continues to watch porn, I would file for divorce.

 

[bmaj]

It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful for your husband to do this. I caught my husband doing this a few times. I would get up and leave. I would actually go home and leave him in the restaurant by himself. I even told him if he didn’t change I would leave him for good. He has changed now and tries not to ogle other women. I feel that watching porn made him like this. I found out that he was watching porn and I was very hurt. Again, I told him that I don’t want that trash in my house and if he continues to watch porn, I would file for divorce.

Thank you ever so much for your insight, Clearwater. I wish I had the courage to get up and leave when my husband stares at other females (some aren’t even old enough to be called women), but I haven’t so far. I’m working on it, though, and your experiences give me hope that perhaps it just might work since not much else seems to be. I can fully relate to your being hurt when you discovered your husband’s porn use as well. That happened to me several years ago, and it was a horribly rough time in our marriage. Your steadfastness gives me encouragement, especially knowing that your husband has seemed to change for the better now after your very firm boundaries were put into place. I know I have to try to be more assertive, but it’s a trait I’ve never been good at. I wish I could think of verbal comebacks quickly like he does when he puts me down for feeling hurt. I just end up feeling even worse and can never think of a good response to make him understand better until some time has passed.
May Our Lord bless you always.

 

[Clearwater14]

Thank you ever so much for your insight, Clearwater. I wish I had the courage to get up and leave when my husband stares at other females (some aren’t even old enough to be called women), but I haven’t so far. I’m working on it, though, and your experiences give me hope that perhaps it just might work since not much else seems to be. I can fully relate to your being hurt when you discovered your husband’s porn use as well. That happened to me several years ago, and it was a horribly rough time in our marriage. Your steadfastness gives me encouragement, especially knowing that your husband has seemed to change for the better now after your very firm boundaries were put into place. I know I have to try to be more assertive, but it’s a trait I’ve never been good at. I wish I could think of verbal comebacks quickly like he does when he puts me down for feeling hurt. I just end up feeling even worse and can never think of a good response to make him understand better until some time has passed.
May Our Lord bless you always.

Just tell him that is someone’s daughter. How would he like if some man was starring at his daughter and undressing her with his eyes while having nasty thoughts? Then tell him it is lusting of the heart. He is married to you and should not be checking other woman out! I do feel for you. I have been in your shoes multiple times.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Regardless of whether it’s “normal” or “typical” for a man in today’s over-sexed world, it is NOT acceptable for a married man. Also his “punishing” you is quite disturbing. HE is the one at fault, not you. I think counseling is a good idea here. Let a third party tell him he’s wrong. I’m so very sorry he is treating you like this. :console:

 

[bmaj]

Just tell him that is someone’s daughter. How would he like if some man was starring at his daughter and undressing her with his eyes while having nasty thoughts? Then tell him it is lusting of the heart. He is married to you and should not be checking other woman out! I do feel for you. I have been in your shoes multiple times.

Thanks for the suggestions, Clearwater. It really helps to know you’ve been through it and weathered the storm.

 

[bmaj]

Regardless of whether it’s “normal” or “typical” for a man in today’s over-sexed world, it is NOT acceptable for a married man. Also his “punishing” you is quite disturbing. HE is the one at fault, not you. I think counseling is a good idea here. Let a third party tell him he’s wrong. I’m so very sorry he is treating you like this. :console:

Thanks for the response and recommendations, Convert. I do so wish he would actually agree to counseling to see what a third party would say. Unfortunately, he never has agreed to go in the past, and the odds aren’t good this time around. I’m still getting somewhat of a cold shoulder here from him, and it’s been about four days since this last episode began when I tried to get him to understand how I felt. At least he’s being fairly civil — but absolutely non-repentant. God’s blessings to you.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

Prior to me getting serious about my faith, this was a big issue in my marriage for years. Growing up, though, this and things like it were accepted behavior and my wife never really said anything about it regardless of how much it upset her. It wasn’t right or okay. It was hurtful and disrespectful. But until I realized that, nothing changed my behavior. Unfortunately, even though I haven’t done it in years, the hurt is still there and my wife sometimes assumes I’m staring when I’m not. So, yes, you have every right to be upset and say something about this.

I will say that I have a hard time accepting that others don’t experience this in their own lives. The vast majority of the people I know, from the worst to the best, accept ogling as such an everyday thing that anytime I’ve ever said I don’t stare at women (or other similar things), I’ve been called a liar. I’ve gotten that from my unmarried friends, faithful and unfaithful married friends, ultra-holy Evangelical friends…pretty much everyone except my priest. That doesn’t mean it’s right, just that it’s pretty prevalent. Even if your husband gets on board and decides to stop his boorish behavior, he’ll like experience at least some peer pressure to keep acting the way he always has.

As for that video, I disagree wholeheartedly with two of the three bullet points. Is an ogling husband comparing his wife with other women? Absolutely! Does he forget them within seconds? Yeah, right. Sure he does. Let’s put it this–If I had a nickel for every conversation I’ve ever been involved in that started with the words, “Man, you should have seen this chick I saw today…” I’d be a wealthy man. Again, that doesn’t make it right, but the guy in the video said he wanted to be honest and he was anything but. The only thing I’ll somewhat agree with him on is that he’s not becoming dissatisfied with you (not you specifically, but generally speaking). That’s likely mostly true. If it was entirely true, there wouldn’t be nearly as much infidelity and divorce.

 

[SusanneT]

Before I start I would say that my husband doesn’t do this, he really doesn’t but I must say I do sometimes worry.

I’m sure none of us, post children, getting older etc don’t feel as attractive as we once did and my husband is very conservative about modesty so although I hope I don’t look frumpy I don’t show much at all. My husband is always very attentive and complimentary, but when you see half naked young women around (I know they shouldn’t be but they are) I think I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry a bit.

 

[bmaj]

Prior to me getting serious about my faith, this was a big issue in my marriage for years. Growing up, though, this and things like it were accepted behavior and my wife never really said anything about it regardless of how much it upset her. It wasn’t right or okay. It was hurtful and disrespectful. But until I realized that, nothing changed my behavior. Unfortunately, even though I haven’t done it in years, the hurt is still there and my wife sometimes assumes I’m staring when I’m not. So, yes, you have every right to be upset and say something about this.

I will say that I have a hard time accepting that others don’t experience this in their own lives. The vast majority of the people I know, from the worst to the best, accept ogling as such an everyday thing that anytime I’ve ever said I don’t stare at women (or other similar things), I’ve been called a liar. I’ve gotten that from my unmarried friends, faithful and unfaithful married friends, ultra-holy Evangelical friends…pretty much everyone except my priest. That doesn’t mean it’s right, just that it’s pretty prevalent. Even if your husband gets on board and decides to stop his boorish behavior, he’ll like experience at least some peer pressure to keep acting the way he always has.

As for that video, I disagree wholeheartedly with two of the three bullet points. Is an ogling husband comparing his wife with other women? Absolutely! Does he forget them within seconds? Yeah, right. Sure he does. Let’s put it this–If I had a nickel for every conversation I’ve ever been involved in that started with the words, “Man, you should have seen this chick I saw today…” I’d be a wealthy man. Again, that doesn’t make it right, but the guy in the video said he wanted to be honest and he was anything but. The only thing I’ll somewhat agree with him on is that he’s not becoming dissatisfied with you (not you specifically, but generally speaking). That’s likely mostly true. If it was entirely true, there wouldn’t be nearly as much infidelity and divorce.

Wow…thank you so, so much for that very important insight, Gordon. When I watched that video I couldn’t believe what the narrator was saying could possibly be true. Thank you for verifying that gut feeling at least from your point of view as a man. Perhaps the narrator is trying to convince himself that it’s true to assuage his own guilt - or maybe he’s even making allowances for himself and/or others - either consciously or subconsciously. Who knows. It seemed so far off base to me (especially from personal experience in my marriage), but I thought maybe I was being overly wary.

I’m very happy for you and your wife that you learned how much it hurt your wife and were able to change your ways out of love for her. That means there may be hope for my husband and many others as well! I pray for it.

Thank you again for responding and helping, and may Our Dear Lord continue to enlighten and bless you always!