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PrayRosary
Guest
I AGREE WITH YOU! The OP was wrong to do that to her husband. I am just sayng, if he wants to give resolution a serious try, will then at least TRY! Dont sit there having a pity party.
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Sillara
Guest
I think our only disagreement then is on what “trying” looks like for the OP’s husband. I think that he is already trying just by being willing to go to Retrouvaille at all. Believing her when she says she “wants him” is something that can come later. To my way of thinking, when someone has illustrated something very clearly by deeds over many years, it would take a lot to believe that said person has changed, much more than the OP can even have had time to do yet.
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lemk78
Guest
I just hope and have been praying even as I write that this situation sorts out. I did not mean to be racey just to instill hope a fresh perspective with an obvious adult approach as we are all adults discussing an adult topic feedback is important I felt so I posted.I did hesitate for a moment myself because of the content of my message but I don’t think God called me to do that. I am a wife and mother myself. It is very hard at times to always be open to loving your husband especially if you feel tired rejected and upset . However if progress is to be made baby steps towards adult fun love and behaviour must be made until the marital act is mutually enjoyed and as I am sure God would enjoy the love to be made. In fact the whole world will benefit if your marriage works out you and your husband are very special and important. I really dont want to be rude but mature. i feel the dark cloud of depression needs to be lifted with a littke fun and whats so wrong with having a new nighty on leaning over your own sink giving your husband a warm smile. Nothing its not racey its loving and a charity to your spouse. Nothing needs to be said just small things each day done as a prayer for our loved ones for their well being and happiness. Jesus wants us to be happy. Proverbs 5 v 18 and onward rejoice in the wife of your youth I think the next few verses are a bit racier but I think that wife of his youth was doing a bit of rejoicing herself. We are to be like children and as children of God one thing we should strive for is innocent fun. In every way. This is a tough world and we need to be patient with one another and also try to selflessly give one another joy in the midst of a turbulent world which we are not cut out for because we are NOT of this world. Louise lemk78
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
AM_2012, has your husband ever acknowledged that his actions helped lead you to resent his over-working and played into your rejection of him sexually? Or has it been all your fault? Because honestly, it takes 2 to break things apart, and part of this mess is his.
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PrayRosary
Guest
Pfft, I didnt think you were racey! Youre my new favorite poster on CAF!! LOL
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PrayRosary
Guest
Sillara, you make some excellent points
You have a cool screen name too.
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PrayRosary
Guest
This is why he needs to stop being a whiner! Call it even and just move on!
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PrayRosary
Guest
AM2012,
Please keep us informed, I will be praying for your family and I wish you the best.
Please keep us informed, I will be praying for your family and I wish you the best.
J
JoeofCupertino
Guest
Actually, I think that the reason for her being hurt compounds the hurt that he feels. If the OPs husband were here, he might offer a defense that he was not a workaholic and that the rejection was all on the part of the women.
Even so, a man works hard at work to support a family. Her husband probably feels a dual rejection. Rejection from years of no sex and also a feeling of inadequacy that his hard work in supporting a family makes him feel as if his wife doesn’t value the hard work he put in to provide for a family.
After years of feeling this way, it can be hard to all of a sudden believe that your wife wants a change now that you are threatening to leave. Does she love me or just fear life without the money I bring in?
If your husband works a lot, its not a wise thing to respond by rejecting his advances at every point. Going to therapy should have happened early on. When you wait so long and years of resentment pile up, it is hard to all of a sudden switch the on button as soon as the wife finally decides that she now loves her husband.
If a man rejected his wife for so long and said his wife spent too much time raising the kids and doing housework, I bet most of the women on here would be wondering why she didn’t leave years ago and would recommend her leaving the guy and seeking an annulment.
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Happy_Again
Guest
Your husband said he would to go Retrouvaille so he could say that he did everything possible to save the marriage relationship, BUT NOW HE’S SAYING that if he doesn’t like what he sees/hears on the Weekend that he may not go to the Post Weekend Session. To NOT attend the ENTIRE Retrouvaille program is like working hard to save money for that very special new car, buying it and taking it home, then never driving it anywhere. It will sit and rust in the driveway, neglected. One would never know where that car might have taken him/her or what joy awaits in your journey of life.
Taking advice of this therapist sounds as though your husband wants to allow someone else to decide the fate of your marriage rather than taking responsibility for making the decision that would affect your entire family – a decision that needs to be made by only two people: you and him.
Don’t get me wrong, advice of others can be a good thing sometimes. When the outcome is a positive one it is easy to share the joy, if the outcome is less than desirable, will this other person be there to share the blame???
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Oh, how I pray the OP and her husband get a WONDERFUL group of instructors this weekend!!! You and your husband would be terrific for them!!!
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AM_2012
Guest
Wow, I just checked at this post and can’t belive all the comments - not sure where to start
H and I have talked a lot about what has led to the rejection on my part and unfortunately he does not see his working alot as a contributing factor . When we were first married he would works 15 hours a day and I was very resentful towards him. All I wanted to do was spend time with him so during that time when he would ask for sex or anything, I started rejecting him. Then he had a new job and things changed, he didnt work as much, but I as so angry of all the years of him rejecting me that I continued to reject him. It was at this time that we should have seeked therapy, but we didnt. If I only knew then what I know now.
2 years ago he got another job and he has not only been working a lot, but hanging out with the work crowd after work till 11 at night. There were nights that I didnt even know where he was because I hadnt heard from him all day. He wouldnt even call the girls to say good night. I was full of anger so when I saw him, we would just get into an argument. He told me the reason he stayed out is that he didnt want to come because he was just so unhappy in the relationship. this is something that he recently told me, I didn’t realize at the time that this was why.
There was a comment about him having to provide financially for the family. This is true, however I also work full time and make a decent living so we were not dependent on this salary so his over working is not justified in my eyes.
Happy Again
Taking advice of this therapist sounds as though your husband wants to allow someone else to decide the fate of your marriage rather than taking responsibility for making the decision that would affect your entire family – a decision that needs to be made by only two people: you and him
Yes you are are right he wants someone else to make this decision for him. He doesnt think that he can make this on his own and does not feel I have any say in this since I am the one who rejected him all these years. I just wish that he could understand that our life could be different on so many levels. I want to be intimate with him again. I am not here saying come back to me, but I wont be giving you what you need. I am working on this because we need and desrve a better relatioship.
Sillara, you mentioned that you told your husband and he felt that it was justified that my H left. What did he mean by that? Leave for good, or leave the relationship as a wake up call for me. I can’t agree more that what has been done has been terrible. The more I think about it now, I am just shocked what has gone one and I do take full responsibility. I do understand that it takes 2 in a relationship, but the demise of this R is really on me.
one thing about the intimacy is that when he moved out after being out for 3 mths he started coming over and hugging me everytime he saw me and even kissed me once on the cheek which I felt was huge from where we came from. He was smiling when he came over, however since he moved back in all that hugging, smiling is gone. I don’t know how to get back there.
I need to be very clear here about H and this marriage. he is not commited to saving this marriage… he is not sure he wants to save it. Hes only living back here out of guilt because the girls cried every night and attending retrov because he feels that he needs to try this to say he tried. If you asked him about the future of us his answer would be I don;t know, but unlikely this will work.
Since there have been so many comments on here and I do appreciate all of them, am I kidding myself that this could actually work? With this rejection going on for so many years, is there just too much damage done?
As i have mentioned many times. I really hope that something is said during this upcoming weekend that helps H open his eyes to realize that this marriage is worth saving and yes it will take a lot of work. I do feel it will have to take a miracle for this to happen
H and I have talked a lot about what has led to the rejection on my part and unfortunately he does not see his working alot as a contributing factor . When we were first married he would works 15 hours a day and I was very resentful towards him. All I wanted to do was spend time with him so during that time when he would ask for sex or anything, I started rejecting him. Then he had a new job and things changed, he didnt work as much, but I as so angry of all the years of him rejecting me that I continued to reject him. It was at this time that we should have seeked therapy, but we didnt. If I only knew then what I know now.
2 years ago he got another job and he has not only been working a lot, but hanging out with the work crowd after work till 11 at night. There were nights that I didnt even know where he was because I hadnt heard from him all day. He wouldnt even call the girls to say good night. I was full of anger so when I saw him, we would just get into an argument. He told me the reason he stayed out is that he didnt want to come because he was just so unhappy in the relationship. this is something that he recently told me, I didn’t realize at the time that this was why.
There was a comment about him having to provide financially for the family. This is true, however I also work full time and make a decent living so we were not dependent on this salary so his over working is not justified in my eyes.
Happy Again
Taking advice of this therapist sounds as though your husband wants to allow someone else to decide the fate of your marriage rather than taking responsibility for making the decision that would affect your entire family – a decision that needs to be made by only two people: you and him
Yes you are are right he wants someone else to make this decision for him. He doesnt think that he can make this on his own and does not feel I have any say in this since I am the one who rejected him all these years. I just wish that he could understand that our life could be different on so many levels. I want to be intimate with him again. I am not here saying come back to me, but I wont be giving you what you need. I am working on this because we need and desrve a better relatioship.
Sillara, you mentioned that you told your husband and he felt that it was justified that my H left. What did he mean by that? Leave for good, or leave the relationship as a wake up call for me. I can’t agree more that what has been done has been terrible. The more I think about it now, I am just shocked what has gone one and I do take full responsibility. I do understand that it takes 2 in a relationship, but the demise of this R is really on me.
one thing about the intimacy is that when he moved out after being out for 3 mths he started coming over and hugging me everytime he saw me and even kissed me once on the cheek which I felt was huge from where we came from. He was smiling when he came over, however since he moved back in all that hugging, smiling is gone. I don’t know how to get back there.
I need to be very clear here about H and this marriage. he is not commited to saving this marriage… he is not sure he wants to save it. Hes only living back here out of guilt because the girls cried every night and attending retrov because he feels that he needs to try this to say he tried. If you asked him about the future of us his answer would be I don;t know, but unlikely this will work.
Since there have been so many comments on here and I do appreciate all of them, am I kidding myself that this could actually work? With this rejection going on for so many years, is there just too much damage done?
As i have mentioned many times. I really hope that something is said during this upcoming weekend that helps H open his eyes to realize that this marriage is worth saving and yes it will take a lot of work. I do feel it will have to take a miracle for this to happen
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PrayRosary
Guest
I think you are still putting too much blame on yourself.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I agree. OP, your husband needs to accept some amount of responsibility in this - In the first place, when he was working so much, was he even paying any attention to your needs at all? I am NOT suggesting that your way of handling the problem was the right one, but if he withdrew as well, he is at least as culpable as you are. I think you are taking ALL the blame and it’s really not fair.
If it were me, I’d tell him, “Look, I know I didn’t do the right thing, but there were TWO of us in the situation and you need to come clean and accept your part of the responsibility.” Afraid I’d tell him, “If you don’t want to try, then move out again.” Of course your girls will be destroyed, as separation and divorce usually do that to children.
I think your husband is now punishing you like he thinks you were punishing him.
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PrayRosary
Guest
^ Winner.
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lemk78
Guest
Yeah I think your right all round. The children will survive though if it really has come to that and so will you. Bye for now and God bless
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AM_2012
Guest
I have said to him before that he needs to accept responsibility for his part as I could not have created all of this. He says he can agree to it, to an extent as in 90% and 10% him.
I think that one of my biggest struggles with this is the “trying” Obviously his definition of trying is very different than mine.Trying to me is putting in an honest effort and having an open heart about this is trying. Yes he is going to retro and someone mentioned that is a form of trying, which I agree, but is the act of just going trying or acutally being there, present and participating what is trying? He’s doing all this stuff, like moving back in, going to retro, trying to engage in conversation with me which are all acts of trying, but the reason behind all of these is completely done out of guilt, not because he wants a postive outcome in the relationship. does this make sense?
As mentioned he’s trying for the girls, however hes trying out of guilt, not because he really wants too. How can we move forward when he trying for the wrong reasons? I can’t ever see this working out this way because he feels like the victim in all of this and even if he does recognize some of this being his fault, he really is not putting an effort in. am I looking into this too much? Should I accpet anything he does as trying even if its not for the right reason?
I said to him, if you can’t try then maybe you need to leave and figure out what you really want to do and his words to be were “look I am here arent i” which is justified, however hes there because he of the enourmous guilt he feels for the leaving the girls. I asked him, do you really want this to work out and his answer is " I don’t know" So he’s falt out telling me, i dont know if I want this even work, but I will say i “tried” out of guilt.
for example this morning I ironed his clothes because I had to do mine anyways and he said to me you dont have to do that. I said, I know i dont, but I wanted too. He is like “whatever” He feels anything that I do to make this better is dont totally out desperation to win him back when in fact that is not the case.
I think that one of my biggest struggles with this is the “trying” Obviously his definition of trying is very different than mine.Trying to me is putting in an honest effort and having an open heart about this is trying. Yes he is going to retro and someone mentioned that is a form of trying, which I agree, but is the act of just going trying or acutally being there, present and participating what is trying? He’s doing all this stuff, like moving back in, going to retro, trying to engage in conversation with me which are all acts of trying, but the reason behind all of these is completely done out of guilt, not because he wants a postive outcome in the relationship. does this make sense?
As mentioned he’s trying for the girls, however hes trying out of guilt, not because he really wants too. How can we move forward when he trying for the wrong reasons? I can’t ever see this working out this way because he feels like the victim in all of this and even if he does recognize some of this being his fault, he really is not putting an effort in. am I looking into this too much? Should I accpet anything he does as trying even if its not for the right reason?
I said to him, if you can’t try then maybe you need to leave and figure out what you really want to do and his words to be were “look I am here arent i” which is justified, however hes there because he of the enourmous guilt he feels for the leaving the girls. I asked him, do you really want this to work out and his answer is " I don’t know" So he’s falt out telling me, i dont know if I want this even work, but I will say i “tried” out of guilt.
for example this morning I ironed his clothes because I had to do mine anyways and he said to me you dont have to do that. I said, I know i dont, but I wanted too. He is like “whatever” He feels anything that I do to make this better is dont totally out desperation to win him back when in fact that is not the case.
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Happy_Again
Guest
Miracles can and DO happen! With God, all things are possible!
During our Weekend 21 years ago my husband heard our story for the very first time as it was told by three couples – strangers to us from various parts of the country. The finances, the abuse of each other and even the children, my husband’s workaholic tendencies, the fear, loneliness, abandonment I felt…all the things I bitched and nagged and yelled about for 20 years … he FINALLY HEARD it all! And what was most miraculous about it was that it not only woke HIM up, but I, too, felt very overwhelmed at the role I had played in the breakdown of our marriage. All that time I thought that I was the innocent one, the victim.
You will discover that you, too, will relate to various aspects of their stories, but what’s more is that your husband will also. And you, too, will discover the miracle in your relationship. Problem is that it may not happen on the Weekend. For some it happens during the Post Weekend Sessions…or even after that. But don’t give up, persevere and wait because** IN GOD’S PERFECT TIME** your miracle will happen. I believe this with all my heart…I’ve been blessed to see hundreds of couples experience their miracle over 21 years of ministry! But I cannot stress this enough: you just have to get there and stay there! Do not let anything – absolutely anything! – keep you from attending the Weekend! Doubts that creep in about what will or won’t happen are the work of Satan. In scripture we read that God hates divorce and He will EMPOWER you with the strength to win that battle. I’m so praying for you both and for those precious children!! Keep posting!
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The_Bucket
Guest
While that may not be appropriate ratio, who cares? The fact that he’s willing to accept any blame is proof positive that he’s not some kind of sociopath. You have to take that as a positive. Chances are that if the situation improves, he’ll come around to conceding more of the fault. Take what you can get for now and let things play out.
Like I said before, so what? I absolutely believe that he should try to work on the marriage for the sake of the marriage and not for the kids, but again, take what you can get. It’s certainly far from ideal and it does fall short of what he should be doing. But the rationale for why he’s willing to at least put forth some effort doesn’t really matter. The fact that he’s doing it at all does and if he really puts in that work then his heart might change.
I know all about being passive aggressive and whatnot and that bit with the ironing is certainly passive aggressive. Chances are that he feels like you’re trying to guilt him into this even further. I’m not saying that you need to stop being nice to him, I’m trying to explain what might be running through his head. You need to understand that you’re not in a situation where your actions, save for prayer, can do anything to positively affect him. He could always find a way to spin it around into a negative.
Now, I’m trying these days to give people the benefit of the doubt. There’s certainly a distinct possibility that he’s simply scared and/or tired. He’s scared of putting himself on the line again or he’s emotionally run down. Or he could be feeling guilty about his part in it and he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” so he’s projecting it back onto you. There are a myriad of things that could be running through his head. I don’t know and honestly, neither do you. That’s why I’m saying that his intentions or perspective going into Retrouvaille is totally immaterial. You don’t know what they are, we don’t know what they are and even HE might not know. It could be a combination of everything. Given the complexities of human emotion, it probably is a combination of a lot of things; guilt, weariness, anxiety, anger, fear.
I can’t make any guarantees like Happy Again. I think that’s irresponsible of me, but then again I’ve never done these sessions so I don’t really have a firsthand perspective either. What I can say is that you should do the best you can to see his willingness to go to Retrouvaille as a positive and then leave it at that. Don’t keep asking him why he’s doing it or if he’s changing his perspective about it or whatever. Just take it as read that he’s going and let the rest of it be. Let the weekend do what it’s supposed to do. Let God work in your heart and trust that He will work in your husband’s. It’s an extremely difficult thing to do, I know, and it far from guarantees anything. But honestly, there is nothing any of us can do except get out of the way and let God’s will be done in all things. Either His will is done or our will is done. We can’t make His will be done in others; we can only accept His will for how we live our lives.
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epan
Guest
I see some positive aspects here. Both of you are trying. Your marriage did not break down in just a day. The effort to fix it may take some time. Have patience, and forgive yourself and him for your missteps or mistakes. I recommend the assistance of a counselor for the two of you, and for each of you. Think of them as your allies who are experts in helping you to gain insight, and who will support you in your efforts.
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