M
Malami
Guest
Which book would you recommend Julianne?
- Status
E
Eliza10
Guest
Another thought. Perhaps this is relevant.
Referring to the title of this post, can’t help but think of Narcissism (which explained my husband! - Nothing else could! They are tricky!). The normal Narcissist (vs. the Somatic) does not like sex once they get the girl. They use sex as an act they “perform” in order only to get the relationship or marriage, and as soon as they are sure they have you and that you won’t leave, they are done with that nasty business, which is not any action from the heart but a performance, a performance they don’t want to be bothered with when they don’t have to. Handy also is spouse who blames herself for the lack of sex!
Narcissists often are workaholics, and they do lose interest in you once they are sure you are at home. They do like a wife (or husband) and children to be a part of society, but they don’t know how to relate in a relationship and they NEVER EVER CAN. This is not a problem that can be fixed in therapy. Its a major disorder like Borderline, for example, and no talking it out will make it better. They generally never want to get better; they feel they are fine how they are, and looking inside is too frightening a prospect. They say, for a Narcissist, inside is “empty”. Frightening.
Once they “have” you, you, as the spouse, become “Secondary Narcissist Supply”, meaning, not very important compared to “Primary Narcissist Supply” which could be the notice or attention of any random stranger!
I can’t know that this is his problem, but you would likely have a clue whether or not this explained things if you read up on it. Living with one makes you very confused, and I recognize some of that sort of confusion in you. Not that I am an expert!
Referring to the title of this post, can’t help but think of Narcissism (which explained my husband! - Nothing else could! They are tricky!). The normal Narcissist (vs. the Somatic) does not like sex once they get the girl. They use sex as an act they “perform” in order only to get the relationship or marriage, and as soon as they are sure they have you and that you won’t leave, they are done with that nasty business, which is not any action from the heart but a performance, a performance they don’t want to be bothered with when they don’t have to. Handy also is spouse who blames herself for the lack of sex!
Narcissists often are workaholics, and they do lose interest in you once they are sure you are at home. They do like a wife (or husband) and children to be a part of society, but they don’t know how to relate in a relationship and they NEVER EVER CAN. This is not a problem that can be fixed in therapy. Its a major disorder like Borderline, for example, and no talking it out will make it better. They generally never want to get better; they feel they are fine how they are, and looking inside is too frightening a prospect. They say, for a Narcissist, inside is “empty”. Frightening.
Once they “have” you, you, as the spouse, become “Secondary Narcissist Supply”, meaning, not very important compared to “Primary Narcissist Supply” which could be the notice or attention of any random stranger!
I can’t know that this is his problem, but you would likely have a clue whether or not this explained things if you read up on it. Living with one makes you very confused, and I recognize some of that sort of confusion in you. Not that I am an expert!
A
AM_2012
Guest
Malami sorry that you find yourself here. I know the pain you are going through., Big hugs.
I read divorce Remedy. I found the techniques in the book helped me out and when I had fully implemented them, I noticed a change in my husband, however during one night that I was extremely frustrated, I got very upset with him and all my hard work went out the window. I definitely think it is worth a read. I also bought Sex Starved Marraige. I have heard great things about this, however I haven’t read it yet as I feel my relationship is no where near an intimacy stage.
Retrouvaille is a weekend program + 6 weeks following. If you can get your husband to go to Retrouvaille, please attend. Its an intense weekend, but worth it. Even though my outcome at this time is not what I had wanted, I learned a lot about myself and I have finally come to realize that this is not all my fault. I will be attending all the post sessions, however my h will not committ at this time. My H has a lot of soul searching to do.
Both my H and I are very similar, same values, same goals, everything, but he has decided that I am not that person for him. he has said very hurtful things to me, but I keep telling myself that he did not mean to hurt me. He’s just really confused right now.
Please continue to post, we are here for you. It might be worth checking out the Divorce busting forum as well, as I have received some good advice from them after I had read the book.
I read divorce Remedy. I found the techniques in the book helped me out and when I had fully implemented them, I noticed a change in my husband, however during one night that I was extremely frustrated, I got very upset with him and all my hard work went out the window. I definitely think it is worth a read. I also bought Sex Starved Marraige. I have heard great things about this, however I haven’t read it yet as I feel my relationship is no where near an intimacy stage.
Retrouvaille is a weekend program + 6 weeks following. If you can get your husband to go to Retrouvaille, please attend. Its an intense weekend, but worth it. Even though my outcome at this time is not what I had wanted, I learned a lot about myself and I have finally come to realize that this is not all my fault. I will be attending all the post sessions, however my h will not committ at this time. My H has a lot of soul searching to do.
Both my H and I are very similar, same values, same goals, everything, but he has decided that I am not that person for him. he has said very hurtful things to me, but I keep telling myself that he did not mean to hurt me. He’s just really confused right now.
Please continue to post, we are here for you. It might be worth checking out the Divorce busting forum as well, as I have received some good advice from them after I had read the book.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Oh, I don’t really have any answers…I’ve read so many books I could open a library, and tried to pass along a few to my husband. Of course that fell flat. We’ve had counseling a couple of times, for many sessions, but got nowhere. His work schedule got in the way both times.
That’s where I think Michele’s book “Divorce Busting” takes things in another direction. At least the spouse who wants the marriage to succeed isn’t stuck, waiting for his/her spouse to go along with the effort to fix the marriage. You can do things YOURSELF, that will change the dynamic. So much of the time, the cheating/leaving spouse ends up with all the power, and the spouse who is being left is standing there with heart in hand, sobbing and pleading. And that almost NEVER works! Being helpless just isn’t attractive to spouses who already have one foot out the door and may be seeing someone else.
Our friend the OP has hit that point where she is tired of begging and taking all the blame, and getting no results. That is usually where people start setting boundaries, and sometimes, the other spouse sees a new quality and starts to take another look. And then, perhaps they are ready to face some issues in their marriage. Perhaps.
This can seem like a game, I realize, but if you stay on top of things and really try to change the underlying problems (eventually I think marriage counseling is imperative) I think that power shift can really be the start of the changes. Crying, begging and pleading only leave you in the down position.
H
Happy_Again
Guest
My husband told me that HE didn’t have a problem…it was ME, I had the problem and if I would “straighten up and fly right and do things HIS way, then life would be perfect” – surely it would have because I tried with all my might to make HIS life perfect. After all, that’s what a good wife is supposed to do. Well all his abuse throughout the first 18 years of our marriage nearly drove me to suicide and I ended up in individual and group counseling for two years before I was strong enough to stand up to him and say that it wasn’t all me…HE played a big part in the breakdown of our marriage too! This took great courage because my husband was a big man and I truly feared that if he ever hit me during one of his tirades, he would kill me. Prayer and the help of some priests and nun friends empowered me with the strength I needed when I needed it most…and after two years of agony and misery…in God’s PERFECT time…my husband agreed to go to Retrouvaille. That was 21 years ago…we continue our Retrouvaille journey because now we have the tools we need to maintain our marriage relationship.
Can Retrouvaille help you in your situation? I say most assuredly YES!!
H
hurting
Guest
Again, your struggle may be mighty, but do not divorce. Your children will suffer forever and always for it.
H
Happy_Again
Guest
AM 2012, are your Post Weekend Session of Saturdays or Sundays? We’re still praying and sacrificing for your benefit. God will surely reward your efforts!
A
AM_2012
Guest
They are in Sundays. I will be attending alone. Thanks for the prayers.
I really need some advice
I still want my marriage to work but him and I agree that him being in the house is doing nothing. His trying = sleeping in the same house as to girls but doing nothing on the marriage. He feels retroV was a waste if time.
I am in the process if buying my on house right now as we are living in a very expensive rental. H says at this minute he won’t to move in but I need him to sign a legal doc that states if we get a D that he will not take the house.
I think the only way this could work would be for us to get a separation agreement and h live on his own for a bit to figure out what he really wants.
Thoughts. ?
I really need some advice
I still want my marriage to work but him and I agree that him being in the house is doing nothing. His trying = sleeping in the same house as to girls but doing nothing on the marriage. He feels retroV was a waste if time.
I am in the process if buying my on house right now as we are living in a very expensive rental. H says at this minute he won’t to move in but I need him to sign a legal doc that states if we get a D that he will not take the house.
I think the only way this could work would be for us to get a separation agreement and h live on his own for a bit to figure out what he really wants.
Thoughts. ?
H
hurting
Guest
A
AM_2012
Guest
Hurting did you reply? Nothing was posted
H
Happy_Again
Guest
AM 2012, I might suggest that you remind your husband of his commitment to attend the **entire **Retrouvaille program and highly encourage him to at least go to that first one tomorrow. Surely he can spare a few hours of his time … make a decision to love … for your children’s sake, at least. They deserve that much consideration; after all, they are the innocent victims here.
If you go alone, plan to stay late and talk with one of the team couples about HOW YOU FEEL about your husband NOT attending the Post Weekend Sessions. Remember that they are not counselors and do not even need to know all the specific details, but they should be able to help you sort through your feelings and give you some encouragement. Recall that only you and husband can make the decisions to love – the decisions needed to save your marriage or to come to some sort of solution to your problems.
God answers prayer and miracles do happen, you just have to wait for God’s PERFECT time!! Keep posting.
If you go alone, plan to stay late and talk with one of the team couples about HOW YOU FEEL about your husband NOT attending the Post Weekend Sessions. Remember that they are not counselors and do not even need to know all the specific details, but they should be able to help you sort through your feelings and give you some encouragement. Recall that only you and husband can make the decisions to love – the decisions needed to save your marriage or to come to some sort of solution to your problems.
God answers prayer and miracles do happen, you just have to wait for God’s PERFECT time!! Keep posting.
A
AM_2012
Guest
Well when he agreed to go he would never commit to the post sessions. I figured he would have gotten something out of it and he would just go.
His whole thing is that I only look for therapy or retreats that benefit me. He felt retrovaille was good for me and that’s why I signed up. Again he thinks he can only be happy in marriage that’s not with me. He keeps saying over and over I just want to be happy but I can’t be happy with you. He can not realze that the marriage needs to change.We can never go back to the old one. I can’t go back to the old marriage either
He can’t make that decision to love right now because he’s too hurt he says. The ack f affection for 6 years is just too much damage.
What do I do about this house I am buying? Do I get a separation to protect myself?
His whole thing is that I only look for therapy or retreats that benefit me. He felt retrovaille was good for me and that’s why I signed up. Again he thinks he can only be happy in marriage that’s not with me. He keeps saying over and over I just want to be happy but I can’t be happy with you. He can not realze that the marriage needs to change.We can never go back to the old one. I can’t go back to the old marriage either
He can’t make that decision to love right now because he’s too hurt he says. The ack f affection for 6 years is just too much damage.
What do I do about this house I am buying? Do I get a separation to protect myself?
H
Happy_Again
Guest
That is a decision only the two … or one … of you can make.
Just want to share that although you may think the situation is dire and that there is no hope, we know couples who separated after their Post Weekend Session but came back six months later to attend the entire program again. They share their story with couples as we do, and are quick to admit that the first time around WASN’T in God’s perfect time. That couple went on to become the Coordinating Couple – or leaders, in their community. That was nearly 20 years ago. You both need to sort through your feelings…name them and share them and then try to understand how the other feels about the issues in your life. That’s why an open, honest and respectful communication link is so very important.
Will continue to pray for you; hope you will continue to post.
A
AM_2012
Guest
Unfortunately all the sharing is 1-sided. He said he does not like sharing his " feelings" and that its a waste of time and he gets nothing out of it. I I informed him how much I get out of it and how it helps me understand him. Then he went on to talking about last weekend and starting throwing stuff in my face about what I had shared with him. Instead of understanding why I did some of the things I did he iS looking at it as me just being a bad person
He still feels so much like a victim and is having a very difficult time getting through it I am going to ask him one more time today if he will come saying I don’t he feels its useless but maybe there will be one thing he will get out of if. As well to do it at least for the girls.
He still feels so much like a victim and is having a very difficult time getting through it I am going to ask him one more time today if he will come saying I don’t he feels its useless but maybe there will be one thing he will get out of if. As well to do it at least for the girls.
H
Happy_Again
Guest
Even if he goes only for the sake of the girls, then that is a decision to love. I would advise you to acknowledge his decision by expressing to him how YOU feel about that.
My husband was not faithful to the writing/sharing at first but one of the couples advised me that even if my husband wasn’t going to write I should to do the “homework” anyway as it was a tangible good-faith gesture to my husband that I DID want change in our marriage and that it was important to me! I would write my letter at night and then put the notebook someplace where he would see it in the morning.
He shares with couples that he’d start to feel guilty after a few days and then he’d write a letter. It was very difficult for him too…sharing his feelings, he says that at first he couldn’t even NAME his feelings! His all-work-no-play family of origin was very influential in his life.
Keep posting!! Praying for you both!!
A
AM_2012
Guest
Well he came to the post session and it was very enjoyable. Thanks for the prayers. I will keep you posted.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
:dancing:
:clapping:Best news I’ve had today! Still praying for you (and especially, for your husband).
C
cheezey
Guest
I must interject and state that that’s the best summation of narcissism I’ve read in a very long while.
Thank you. Helps make a a situation for me concise.
H
hurting
Guest
My response was embedded in your post. “Do not involve the legal system in your marriage. It will destroy any hope of reconciliation you may have. You are the one who must be strong here.”
H
hurting
Guest
Concur.:dancing:
Best news I’ve had today! Still praying for you (and especially, for your husband).
- Status