Sexless marriage losing hope

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Losinghope

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Hi- new to forum. I’ve been married for 15 years and live in a sexless marriage. As the wife, I have a high libido and have been dealing with this since day 1. I feel like I have tried everything to no avail. My love-language is touch and I desperately want to be wanted by my husband. He is a good man but I’m having a hard time knowing I have sacrificed sex in my lifetime because it’s not important to him. Losing hope.
Here’s what I’ve tried: instigating (nope- he is not interested And has physically pushed me off of him for any small touch), talking about it (nope- won’t have it. Best discussion ever he said he was just tired. It used to be a cause of argument but I quit even bringing it up because it is so painful), losing weight ( I lost a lot of weight but was still not appealing to my husband), went to counseling (just me-which helped. He refuses to talk about it), made doctor appointments for husband and asked for all bloodwork and to talk about libido with doc), talked to a priest( big mistake- husband didn’t talk to me for a month), start conversations about when we first met and talk about how we fell in love (helps me but not sure about him), ask for back rub for physical touch (3-4 minutes if I’m lucky), I go get a massage when I feel we can afford it so I can at least have physical touch (not sexual at all). This past year we have been intimate 5 times- every one of them I asked for and got a “sigh” and was obligated. It hurts so much to be rejected and not wanted.
Yes, I pray constantly. Yup, I’ve done multiple novenas. My husband also has had a problem with pornography. Several years ago I confronted this and was checking the computer to hold him accountable. He created a secret account and lied to me about it. I’m not sure if he is still using.
I will also say there is additional stress with a son who is mentally ill.
At what point do I give up? We do lots of things together and he is my best friend. It’s just that we are roommates and not lovers.
Help.
 
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I am not sure what help anyone here can give you. You have spoken to a priest, so…did you take his advice?
 
I did. He suggested that we do a pre-marriage survey to initiate conversation and see where we are compatible. Husband took the survey but refused to go talk to the priest with me to look at the results. We discussed it together instead, but he was very defensive and he refused to take it any further.
 
I’m sorry you are going through this, I think your husband has a major problem due to the pornography and it’s consequences, as I am sure you aware, it has devastating effects on relationships, I don’t even think he’s consciously trying to reject you, it sounds like he has an addiction though, unfortunately, if he gets defensive, is lying and won’t admit to the problem in general, there’s not a whole lot you can do, this probably can be resolved, but he has to be open to putting forth the effort
 
I have no advice but I am in the same boat although my wife withdraws it as a punishment. I have been to confession so much recently it is awful.
 
Thanks. It is nice just being validated. I’m sure his issues do go back to porn. It’s really hard not being resentful. If he had a disability that prevented him from physically being able to engage in sex, I would have an easier time offering it up. Because he has not been willing to talk about it though, is painful. I think this happens to women way more than we talk about, helping to keep the shame of porn hidden. Thanks for listening.
 
So sorry. It is really tough. Wish I had advice for you.
 
One. Mine from a previous marriage that was annulled years ago. He’s an adult now but lives at home.
 
Did you seek professional marriage counseling? If so, what advice did that person have?
 
We did not do couples counseling because my husband is not open to it. I went myself though a few years back and it was helpful in processing out my own stuff. I chose a counselor that I know is catholic so I wouldn’t have to justify my values and explain why I won’t leave him.
 
Hi @Losinghope

I am sorry for your situation. Please try not to lose hope though.
I can only go off what you have written, but tbh, it seems to me that the porn addiction is the issue.
It is possible that it has distorted your husbands expectations, perceptions and healthy understanding of sex.
Maybe it had become “normalized” for him now to the point where he’s living in a “fantasy land” where the only thing that he can “respond to sexually” is girls who look and act like the girls in these films.
Some guys like this don’t even get that this is abnormal.
Sex for them just becomes like an itch to scratch, or more just like animal kingdom (sorry to be frank), just physical thing without any emotions, love or even passion.
because it’s not important to him
Personally I don’t believe that sex is not important naturally to most young age men. So usually it can be due to medical/ hormonal cause or is it possible you husband is indifferent to you sexually because he is getting his (distorted) needs met from these porn or webcam stuff etc?
hurts so much to be rejected and not wanted.
Please try not to take it as a personal rejection.
I understand it is hard but honestly this is about something that’s become distorted with your husband and not about you.

You could be really beautiful and sexy or husband could be married to a different woman and he could still be this way.
I think he has maybe become conditioned to only believe the sort of “crude type of sexy” he sees from these videos.

It’s very disrespectful and hurtful to you as his wife. I think the first step to fixing your concern though is husband first honestly addressing the porn addiction and “unraveling” all his beliefs around sex and understanding what is and isn’t healthy.
 
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Thank you for your response. I appreciate your words and agree with you. I did confront him in a loving and non-judging way a few years ago. It was after that that he created a secret web browser. I do think he has slowed down quite a bit, and is withholding sex because he is resentful that I interfered with his arousal. Either way, it sucks. My feelings usually surface a few times a year and then I vent (thank you) and then I’m able to tuck them back in for a while. My hopes and prayers are that he is able to find someone to talk to or open up with. He is incredibly private and proud. It’s like he is trapped in his own little hell and doesn’t want out. Being understood and validated has been so healing.
 
My husband also has had a problem with pornography. Several years ago I confronted this and was checking the computer to hold him accountable. He created a secret account and lied to me about it. I’m not sure if he is still using.
This is your problem right here. I would bet my teeth on that.
As a man who has himself struggled with pornography, if your husband is using, or has been using in the last few months, he is probably not capable of intimacy.

I’m dead serious. A man who is using pornography loses his ability for and interest in intimacy. Porn destroys intimacy in a marriage.
 
I think I’ve been afraid to admit that. I appreciate the insight. I wish there was a way for him to be awakened without driving him deeper into shame. I guess it’s time to double down on prayers for the right words to leave my lips when they spill out. I’ve kept quiet now for over a year again because it caused so much grief. It might be time to insist on marriage counseling. Thanks much.
 
Everybody’s different, and you have to discern the right words to say.
My own wife gave me a pretty simple deal that included homelessness if I continued looking at porn in the house. When she called it “my house” that got my attention. We had kids at the time and her protectiveness of the family home made a big impression, thanks be to God.

But you have to do what’s right for you.
 
I tend to agree with @goout. I think there is a point where you have to tell him to man-up. That you want and expect an intimate relationship from him and it is non-negotiable. It is your right as a spouse.
Now, how to do this, the exact wording and approach, you have to figure out. But the message has to be clear.
 
Thank you for your candidness! I appreciate hearing how this has gone down in other families- it gives me courage to fight for our marriage and for him.
 
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