Sexless marriage losing hope

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Losinghope said:
Thank you for your candidness! I appreciate hearing how this has gone down in other families- it gives me courage to fight for our marriage and for him.
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One of the primary tasks is to help the other spouse attain salvation. A beautiful and fulfilling marriage sure helps. You have to have honesty though.

It’s just my opinion, and you have to do what’s right with good advice from a priest or therapist, but pornography should be a zero tolerance thing…in my opinion. It’s not really much different than a spouse bringing drugs into the home. Sometimes it’s charitable to confront someone with the realities of life.
Not in my house. I will help you recover, and I am in the marriage for the long haul, but you will not bring that into my house.

Recovery takes time and patience and some suffering.
But Christ can heal your marriage.
 
Just google pornography addiction and recovery.

This is a real thing. There are 12 step programs, even in patient treatment facilities.

This isn’t necessarily something he can just “stop” by wanting to, IOW “if you loved me you wouldn’t do this” may not be any more realistic than telling that to an alcoholic or a drug addict. Some men and women can stop by sheer willpower, but many cannot.

You’ve alluded to shame and embarrassment on his part. This is where you may need a gentle touch, to reinforce that he doesn’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed, that many unsuspecting men have been sucked into this quicksand, likely as boys/teens when their brains were still developing, and have had to get help to get out.

First step, ask if he WANTS hep to get out of porn addiction and develop intimacy in your marriage.

You need professional guidance on what to do as the spouse of an addict. He needs help as an addict.
 
I Love being catholic! I am so humbled by the wonderful responses and ideas I have been given. And the prayers- I feel as if I’ve been lifted up and injected with hope. I am gaining confidence to lead a discussion, understand addiction and hold accountable. God is good! A male co-worker also shared with me out of the blue (is that a God-wink or what?) that he used to be addicted to porn and now, thanks to his faith, has been clean for over a year. He talked about how it almost destroyed his marriage and how a local support group played an important part of his recovery. I’m not holding my breath that this will be solved overnight, I know it will take time, but if God wants our marriage to succeed, we have the support to do it. Thank you all for reminding me why our faith is so important and for the universality of our church. I found my hope.
 
I would follow the Church guidelines of separation.

This is what I would respect, if I was him.
 
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That is not a helpful suggestion to someone that has hopes of making their marriage work and that came here for help.
 
Wrong. Separation should be a means to reconcile a major issue. The Church offers separation as a means to express the severity of the issue.

I am very opposed to divorce, and do not believe that should happen. Separation will help him realize the importance to reconcile this behavior.

Only I strongly encourage telling him that you love him… and mean it.
 
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I don’t see how separation ould be a mean that make an unwilling spouse to want suddenly to engage in intimacy…
If he agrees, I would be afraid that it would be because of fear of being leaved, but in long term it would create resentment and return to old habits…

And what if this spouse took the separation as a fact and make his life with seeing his wife as now an ex and his marriage as a past reality?
 
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If you resented your wife for separating over this issue (which has been brought to the Church and ignored) then you have major issues with respecting your wife.
 
That’s possible, but I don’t think pression is something that is often working.

separation will not boost his libido or his desire to do it.
 
Well, the husband in question already is disrespecting his wife, so there’s that…

He would be more likely to look at porn if he were separated from his wife, btw.
 
If I try to leave for a short time my husband, he would have aware me that’s no come back to his house would be possible.

Not all people are commited the same in their marriage.

I don’t know for the OP’s husband, only her knows. But she said he is lutheran, and as you know for Protestants marriage isn’t for life. A remarriage should be made. It is something that may influence his views.
 
So, I appreciate the discussion. Here’s an update: when I said I confronted him a few years ago, I did it while in therapy and laid out research on the brain on pornography, addictions, helpful resources, my personal feelings of betrayal and heartache, other stories that were similar, etc. I told him then that I would not allow it to continue. And then… I let it go. I said that when he wanted to make our marriage a priority, I would be ready. I should have followed up with him sooner, but because he was so defensive and angry, I didn’t. It was only recently that (thanks to the community here), I had the courage to re-address this issue. I have been miserable and decided this is the year of change, even if it hurts. So- I confronted him again. Verbally, he agrees he wants to prioritize our intimacy. I asked him if he was still using porn (he has made it obvious the last two years of what he is watching online- dumb car and fix it videos with the sound up to show accountability). He said no. We agreed that we have to start over and re-program his brain. We have to learn to communicate better in the bedroom and that, I think, will help him be honest and use his words. We have to learn how to play. If this process (expected to be slow), does not help, we can look at what else we need to try. I did ask last month in a moment of rage, if he wanted me to move out. That scared him. It scared me too. I know I have to keep him accountable, and also love him through this. I’m the only one besides God that will. I know I have to be firm, get my head out of the sand , and follow through instead of withdrawing when it gets too hard. For now, I’m thankful to know I’m not alone. My girlfriends also think I should leave or lay down the law. I’m going to trust God right now and continue to pray, and try. I have to learn to do things that are difficult, and it’s about time. 🙂
 
Thank you for sharing your update. You are a strong woman. May God help both of you work together to fix the cracks in your marriage so that it becomes secure and strong and a place of comfort throughout your life.
 
Separation should not mean “leaving” him.

That may be the case for secular minded people. I dont believe that is the mind of the Church.

Neither does separation mean divorce. And I dont expect you or he should like it it all. If you see sincerity in him to work on the issue, then separation might be avoidable. If not, separation should be considered a healthy approach to rekindling affection and love for one another. If he doesnt miss you enough to work towards healing your intimacy, then you have to either accept a sexless marriage, or remain permanently separate.
 
If he is rejecting intimacy, he is already establishing separation. It’s a passive aggressive behavior.
 
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It’s only you her you think that separation does not mean leaving, but after said that lack of intimacy justify a permament separation.
 
Anicette said:
It’s only you her you think that separation does not mean leaving, but after said that lack of intimacy justify a permament separation.
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Separation does not necessarily mean one wants to be separate or leave the other. Separation, as the Church applies the practice, is to express the severity of the issues happening in the relationship, in order to reconcile. This means the intention is to be closer and not leave.

Permanent separation is when the other spouse is unwilling to reconcile serious faults being committed.

When separation happens, there should be a Church mediator involved, and terms of the separation communicated. Usually a separation should not be longer than 6 months. This should give the offending spouse time to examine themselves and realize the severity of the situation and realize how much they miss their husband or wife.
 
Well done. I sounds like you did an excellent job. I particularly liked your statement about needing to learn how to play. Making your whole life together, even your intimate, fun and joyful for both of you is important.
 
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