Sexless marriage losing hope

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TheLittleLady said:
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Losinghope:
We have to learn how to play
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AMEN. Having fun together in your outside the bedroom life as well as behind closed doors. He is your best friend, you guys can get past this.
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Yes.
Again just my experience:
intimacy recovers slowly and with small steps. And it starts by just spending time together, maybe skin to skin without the full monte. Your expectations have to be realistic, because if you expect the full normal relations, it is likely to be frustrating. Be grateful for the level of intimacy you are able to have, and let it build.

It takes a spark to get a fire burning, and it has to be patiently stoked.
 
So so sorry to hear this. Sounds like his pornography addiction is the problem like he can’t see you like that bc you’re his wife and he’s only into the fantasy of it all. I think that needs to be addressed. You briefly added it to the bottom of your comment but I think it’s a real major issue that needed to be worked on for him. He should go to therapy. You’ve done all the work. Just leave him alone now and see what he does.
 
If everything that you say is true, then he’s mentally ill. No man would turn down real sex in favor of his hand and the Internet. No mentally stable man, that is.

I’m in a sexless marriage myself. My wife has been making up excuses forever now. Last time we had sex, she laid there like a starfish. I felt like such a pervert. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a pervert afterwards.

I say this because my wife is mentally ill. She has delusions and they eventually included me. She says that I have to stop whatever these delusional acts are if I want sex. When I tell her how this makes me feel, she gets irate. She has no desire for sex.

Things used to be different. We dated 12 years before getting married. We had a lot of sex before marriage (yeah I know, it was wrong) but it was usually outstanding. It felt like it’s supposed to. After marriage, the delusions started up and sex got terrible. You just don’t flip off a switch like sex with your wife/husband.

I am forced to take care of business alone. I feel bad afterwards, but it kills the physical desires. They are half the battle. I miss the spiritual part still and the physical part demands attention sooner or later again.

Instead of talking to your husband about sex, talk to him about mental illness. I could understand (not justify) him watching porn and treating himself if YOU were denying him sex. Men NEED the real deal too. If porn and himself are doing it for him, he’s got a mental health problem.
 
DazedANDconfused said:
If everything that you say is true, then he’s mentally ill. No man would turn down real sex in favor of his hand and the Internet. No mentally stable man, that is.

I’m in a sexless marriage myself. My wife has been making up excuses forever now. Last time we had sex, she laid there like a starfish. I felt like such a pervert. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a pervert afterwards.

I say this because my wife is mentally ill. She has delusions and they eventually included me. She says that I have to stop whatever these delusional acts are if I want sex. When I tell her how this makes me feel, she gets irate. She has no desire for sex.

Things used to be different. We dated 12 years before getting married. We had a lot of sex before marriage (yeah I know, it was wrong) but it was usually outstanding. It felt like it’s supposed to. After marriage, the delusions started up and sex got terrible. You just don’t flip off a switch like sex with your wife/husband.

I am forced to take care of business alone. I feel bad afterwards, but it kills the physical desires. They are half the battle. I miss the spiritual part still and the physical part demands attention sooner or later again.

Instead of talking to your husband about sex, talk to him about mental illness. I could understand (not justify) him watching porn and treating himself if YOU were denying him sex. Men NEED the real deal too. If porn and himself are doing it for him, he’s got a mental health problem.
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Not necessarily.
Unless you count addiction as a mental illness. You could make that case I suppose depending on the definition you want to use.
Pornography kills intimacy between people. In a person indulging in pornography you can expect emotional distance and a disconnect from intimacy.
Yes, as you note, it is normal for a man to desire his wife. Pornography can destroy everything normal in marriage.

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DazedANDconfused said:
If everything that you say is true, then he’s mentally ill. No man would turn down real sex in favor of his hand and the Internet. No mentally stable man, that is.

I’m in a sexless marriage myself. My wife has been making up excuses forever now. Last time we had sex, she laid there like a starfish. I felt like such a pervert. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a pervert afterwards.

I say this because my wife is mentally ill. She has delusions and they eventually included me. She says that I have to stop whatever these delusional acts are if I want sex. When I tell her how this makes me feel, she gets irate. She has no desire for sex.

Things used to be different. We dated 12 years before getting married. We had a lot of sex before marriage (yeah I know, it was wrong) but it was usually outstanding. It felt like it’s supposed to. After marriage, the delusions started up and sex got terrible. You just don’t flip off a switch like sex with your wife/husband.

I am forced to take care of business alone. I feel bad afterwards, but it kills the physical desires. They are half the battle. I miss the spiritual part still and the physical part demands attention sooner or later again.

Instead of talking to your husband about sex, talk to him about mental illness. I could understand (not justify) him watching porn and treating himself if YOU were denying him sex. Men NEED the real deal too. If porn and himself are doing it for him, he’s got a mental health problem.
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Refusing a spouse sex is awful. If it’s for sexual infidelity, then the spouse refusing should not masturbate or commit their own adultery.

To simply refuse, without discussing the issue and working towards an end… then that is not just either.

I agree that marital sex ordered towards procreation is the best. And both focussing on that intimacy should help each other.

When one person does not want to forgive, or struggle to work on their own faults, the marriage suffers.
 
Well if he’s refusing his wife sex because she cheated on him, it’s probably best to just seek an annulment/divorce . That is a sin that I couldn’t get over; wife committing adultery as in, cheating on me. In fact, that IS my act that would fast track me on a divorce without any counseling or therapy. I’d straight up divorce my wife over it.

Sounds like he’s mentally ill. Even an addiction to porn/sex, a man isn’t going to turn down the real thing. He’s going to go for it.

Seems like there’s more to this.
 
Or civil divorce. Separation, and potentially permanent, yes. But NOT divorce.

Lots of Catholics ignore this.
 
Ammi said:
Refusing a spouse sex is awful. If it’s for sexual infidelity, then the spouse refusing should not masturbate or commit their own adultery.
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“ Refusing a spouse sex is awful. If it’s for sexual infidelity, then the spouse refusing should not masturbate or commit their own adultery.”
 
Have you asked her to go to counseling? I recommend Catholic Charities, or look for a Retrouvaille.
 
You’re right. It’s grounds for getting stoned according to the Bible.
 
My wife would never go to counselling, my wife would never apologise to me even when she knows she is clearly in the wrong. My wife believes everything is my fault and she is completely faultless. It doesn’t help when her friend poisons me by slagging me off to her.
 
I go by BIBLICAL teaching. Catholic teaching doesn’t come before the Bible. Bible said to stone to death an adulterer. While that isn’t a solution in today’s world, it means that the adulterer is as good as dead.
 
DazedANDconfused said:
I go by BIBLICAL teaching. Catholic teaching doesn’t come before the Bible. Bible said to stone to death an adulterer. While that isn’t a solution in today’s world, it means that the adulterer is as good as dead.
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Separation with the bond remaining, is New Testament enlightenment.
 
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Maybe you should consider a separation, working together with your pastor.
 
Your wife is like my wife. I went to counseling once with her and her OWN counselor told her I was right. Oops! I didn’t want to be right, I just wanted the counselor to have another perspective. I honestly just wanted to talk to the counselor in private but she insisted it be together.

My wife then began to find tiny flaws of mine to go after…I accepted my flaws and let my wife act like those flaws are part of the problem, somehow, so she could save face.

I don’t think my wife went back after that.
 
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