Single People = Invisible?

[Serap]

I try to be positive when I’m out and about, but when I get home, my heart is breaking. I go on dates, go out with people, and I have plenty of friends (married and not). But most of the guys out there are slime.
I signed up for avamaria singles. There is a reason they won’t let you do a search before you buy, there were 9 people in my state, and 7 were too old (50-60), and two were too young (18-20). I’m not a gold digger or a cradle robber, lol.
Guys tell me I’m hot, so I guess that is a start. I was watching the Girls Next Door DVD with my roommate, and one of the girl’s mother said “I don’t want date, I want to get married”. That is where I’m at, I don’t want to go out just to go out with a random person.

I felt the same way too. I can relate. I prayed and prayed and PRAYED for a husband and I felt like God was ignoring me. Well He wasn’t and now I realize that.

Sometimes life just SUCKS!!! There’s nothing much a married person can say without sounding holier than thou, so I will just say one thing…

If you think you’re hot, YOU"RE HOT BABY!!! So get out there and keep dating b/c you gotta pluck all the weeds before you find your blossom

Also, visualize yourself married and happy. What is he like? What qualities does he have. Meditate and visualize yourself married and happy - come up with scenarios in your mind. Visualization techniques really work…I don’t know why, but they do. I guess they help you sort out things. After I began doing to some visualization meditation, I met my husband about 4 months later. I kept up the meditation also and I prayed to God A LOT!!!

Try it…can’t hurt can it?

 

[Maria65]

In my experience, the typical parish is completely blind to single people and to young adults. I don’t think the the Church in the U.S. has realized that people aren’t getting married right out of high school anymore. There really is no outreach to people after their teen years (youth groups) and marriage preparation classes. Well, those things are much further apart in time now than they were 40-50 years ago. When I look at the people in the pews at my parish church, I see a lot of older people and families with young children. What I don’t see are single people. I don’t see anyone in the 18-34 year old demographic.

Well, my church has a lot of college students, but the only organization for young people is the Catholic Student Union - there is nothing for, say, 20s or 30s out of college. My son is in college and tried the CSU, but it was too charismatic for him, so he quit going. He would like to find a nice young Catholic lady to marry, but doesn’t know where to look.

And, yes, he tried Catholic Match, and there weren’t any girls nearby, and all the girls in other states said in their profiles that they weren’t interested in moving. (How interested are they in finding Catholic husbands, anyway?)

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not kidding about settling. Everyone has at least one redeeming quality.
I’ll be 28 next month, so time isn’t on my side. My aunt said it best “in this family, after 30, your looks go”. And then she offered me plastic surgery if I’m still unmarried at 30. If my looks go, I’m up a creek without a paddle. The whole irony is, I don’t care about a man’s looks. I think Elliott Yamin (he was on American Idol season 5)is hot.

*I was married by 22…but if I were single at 40 (which is my age now) I would not have settled, just to not be ‘alone.’ There could be reasons you have not met your future husband, yet. If you were really going to settle, I’d imagine that guy came along already in your life. When I mean don’t settle, I don’t mean to look for perfection. None of us are perfect, everyone has a past…everyone is a sinner. What I mean, is that if you settle for any man at this point, you might choose someone who isn’t stable financially, isn’t moral, isn’t faith oriented, isn’t kind, is abusive. I think that men like that…sense desperation a mile away. You have nothing to be desperate about! You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and are very immersed in your faith. DO NOT SETTLE.

Rinse and repeat as many times, as necessary.

I know you are frustrated…but don’t allow that to cause you to settle for a guy who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or isn’t where you are with your faith. That is what I mean by not settling. Women sometimes get antsy that the guy hasn’t ‘shown up’ by the time they are 30…and go into panic mode, dating guys that just don’t treat them well. Just don’t want to see that happen to you. :hug1:*

 

[Serap]

I’m not kidding about settling. Everyone has at least one redeeming quality.
I’ll be 28 next month, so time isn’t on my side. My aunt said it best “in this family, after 30, your looks go”. And then she offered me plastic surgery if I’m still unmarried at 30. If my looks go, I’m up a creek without a paddle. The whole irony is, I don’t care about a man’s looks. I think Elliott Yamin (he was on American Idol season 5)is hot.

Tell your aunt to mind her own business!!! Looks may have gone 50 years ago, but now age 40 is the new 30, so she’s talking out of her…

Anyhoo…

I was 30 when I met my DH and I was 35 when we got married. We had our first baby at 36 and now I’m 38 and having another baby in 3.5 months. Your aunt has no idea what she’s talking about!!!

Also, I know of many women who didn’t meet their husband until they were in their mid-30’s and now they all have babies and they are happy. Getting married and having a family later in life can be beneficial b/c you are financially secure and you know yourself a lot better. I think I’m a better mom now b/c I’m older.

Don’t listen to anyone! They should shut their mouths!! It’s just rude! AND don’t think about plastic surgery…I’ll come over there and slap you silly!!! :slapfight:

 

[Banaticus]

When the intersessions were being said, the person was like “pray for all the married couples and their children, the religious, people who are widowed”, where were the single people mentioned?

Presuming that your parents were married, you’re one of the children of a married couple.

I feel your pain, I’m also single. Perhaps marriage is in God’s plan for me and for you at a future date (I hope).

 

[barb_finnegan]

I read all the previous posts on this thread. And I’m in the same boat, though I’m ‘older’-I just turned 55 last week.

It’s true that the Church says very little about singles. I had been to enough ‘World Marriage Day’ Masses to last me a lifetime! At one of them I was ready to stand up and say to the priest, ‘What do YOU know about marriage?’ Of course that wouldn’t have been too good…

I keep to myself since my mother died in 2004. I used to be involved in parish things such as reading at Mass and singing in a choir and later as a cantor. Since I go to a chapel that has the TLM, I don’t do those things anymore, except maybe sing in a makeshift choir for Christmas and Easter. I was never much for the ‘social work’ stuff-I was more in the liturgical, but not for showing off…it was in humble service.

I was in a couple of Third Orders-in succession, that is-but they didn’t work out, either. I had been in a prayer group-at the invitation of the priest who led it, not on my own initiative. But when he left the parish, it broke up. I even went to a ‘over-30’ Catholic singles group that a woman in my area started. What a mistake that was! I don’t want to sound snarky-but WHAT LOSERS!

So I chose to be alone. It’s better that way-I don’t get disappointed or hurt. I live my life the way I want to, and not the way someone else wants me to do.

In answer to the OP’s question, ‘single people = invisible’? It’s a great big YEAH! :sad_yes:

 

[Serap]

I read all the previous posts on this thread. And I’m in the same boat, though I’m ‘older’-I just turned 55 last week.

It’s true that the Church says very little about singles. I had been to enough ‘World Marriage Day’ Masses to last me a lifetime! At one of them I was ready to stand up and say to the priest, ‘What do YOU know about marriage?’ Of course that wouldn’t have been too good…

I even went to a ‘over-30’ Catholic singles group that a woman in my area started. What a mistake that was! I don’t want to sound snarky-but WHAT LOSERS!

So I chose to be alone. It’s better that way-I don’t get disappointed or hurt. I live my life the way I want to, and not the way someone else wants me to do.

In answer to the OP’s question, ‘single people = invisible’? It’s a great big YEAH! :sad_yes:

You know; I never looked at it from this perspective. I’m married with a baby and b/c of that, I’ve always felt included. It would be very hard to be single; especially a single woman. For some reason, there is more of a stigma attached to single women over 35.

I disagree with it…and you hit the nail on the head when you said you can live your life the way you want to and not the way someone else wants you too. That is so true, b/c when you’re married, you can’t just pick up and do things as you please.

St. Paul said it’s better to be single than married didn’t he?

Perhaps more singles should speak up and point out that they feel excluded. Our pastor has an open house every week where parishners can give ideas and drop in to the church and talk to our priest about community needs. Perhaps I should mention this on behalf of single people in our parish?

 

[prodigalson12]

I can relate to the OP’s frustration, we really should have more things for us single people to get involved with in the church. At my age, I tend to be looked at as an inigma, almost to the point where I can see others thinking I must be some divorced guy or something. The programs that are available, regardless of denomination are entirely geared towards single youth, not us adults, so in this context, we are invisible.

It is good advice along taking advantage of your single status, but we all know that most of us would gladly do away with those little freedoms if we were married.

Along mass, it’s supposed to be between you and our Lord, nothing else, do not let the status quo or anything else distract you from that, this is quality time between you two, regardless of marital status.

 

[seremina]

I’ll settle! As long as the man has a pulse! I don’t want the single woman’s role! I want companionship! I want a husband.
I thought I would become a nun, but I’m not holy enough. So I pulled out my application for the order I was applying to. I know I would have gotten accepted. But they would have found out I’m not holy and kicked me out.
I would much rather be miserable and married, than miserable and single.

Just to chime in here… you don’t need to be holy to become a nun. That is a misconception that Satan uses to discourage you from trying out the Religious Life. Satan will make you so bitter that you become a dried beef jerky.

If that doesn’t suit you, then try the various lay orders out there. Some are online, some are offline. Some have communities, some don’t. I believe all of them permit marriage.

And never the least, this option… you could marry Jesus. He’s the perfect man and He has more than a pulse.

I understand you feel underappreciated. Even I sometimes suffer that. Do consider that Jesus ministered to Jewish and non-Jewish alike, and He wasn’t looking for appreciation. He talked about being a servant and doing service. Feel free to lighten your obligations if you’re burning yourself out. Its better to be miserable than let others be left out. You’re serving Jesus in disguise, as others have stated it. Happiness should always =loving Jesus.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

One problem for us singles, is that the basic parish is very family-oriented due to the large number of married people in the suburbs or rural areas. If you are a young single person, it is hard to find fellowship in suburban churches. The priests and ministries of such churches will usually focus their efforts on the largest groups in the church such as families and those they perceive as most vulnerable. A single will have a much easier time finding fellowship in urban parishes or college campuses. Although I went to mass solo at my suburban parish and did some CCD volunteering there, I looked for fellowship activities in other parishes.

I can definitely identify with this – I used to belong to a parish that was family-oriented to the exclusion of anybody else. I tried volunteering for the religious education program, but was not made to feel welcome there (the only single person, I couldn’t even participate in the chit-chat, which was always about babies and children). I was also a member of the choir, but the choir was disbanded (the reason given was that “suburban parishes don’t have choirs anymore.”) I always felt like a fish out of water there, and often felt so unwelcome that I was in tears throughout Mass.

I started going to a Mass in a nearby city, and what a world of difference! There is a huge diversity of people in the urban parish that was missing in the suburban one. Anybody can feel at home here (I really mean that; my city is a National Refugee Relocation Center, and over 70 languages are spoken here!) I joined the city parish, joined the choir two weeks later (the large, old urban churches, with their choir lofts and pipe organs, are definitely meant to have choirs!) and two years later, moved to that neighborhood (I am still there).

What’s really ironic – in my current parish, I feel far more accepted by the married people than I ever did in my old parish. Maybe it’s just the reality of having such a huge variety of life styles here – nobody is all that “different”.

I realize that this isn’t possible for everybody, but for those single people in similar situations, if you have the option, definitely check out a nearby urban parish!

 

[Sierrah]

Hum I agree the church seems to ignore singles for the most part but so does the vast majority of the congretation. I’ve floated around to 5 or 6 different churches over the years and found the same thing…Catholics just aren’t that friendly and they are very clickish. If you don’t have a kid in the school you’re invisible. Prayer intentions for singles…sorry I’ve never heard one. Groups for singles…only if you’re 25 and under and maybe not even then.

 

[Norseman82]

There is also the National Catholic Singles Conference:

nationalcatholicsingles.com/

I actually did meet a great Catholic girl there that I felt I had a lot in common with - until she decided to enroll in an out-of-town evangelization program - with a “no dating” rule - sponsored by a religious community.

I’ve been saying “Next girl I lose to a convent, I’m sending a bill to the Vatican for recruitment services rendered”.

 

[vybzngh]

Hello

I am 30 year old single lady exeperiecing the same frustrations and fears. Me and another single lady friend( also in their 30’s) are starting to do something about it by prayer.

All you single ladies out there…you can check the thread

CATHOLIC WOMEN PRAYING BOLDLY FOR CATHOLIC MEN

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=365533

or you can check my signature below for the Facebook group!

All the single catholic guys…PM me so that I can put you on the special intentions list!..there will be a bunch of Catholic women fasting and praying for you on the 1st Sep!!!

 

[Bataar]

At a protestant church a friend of mine goes to, they have a bible study/social group for single adults. When they say single, they mean it. When my friend started dating another girl in that group and eventually married her, they were told they’d have to join a different study group because that one was strictly for singles. The group even had a “going away” party for them on their last night.

None of the churches I go to have any kind of singles groups for adults either. They have the high school youth groups and that’s it. A few churches as a group have a monthly “young adults” program that I could possibly go if I wanted to, but they don’t specify that you need to be single. I went a couple of years ago, and was the only single person in the group. I don’t like the churches I go to so I’m not inclined to do any volunteer stuff for them.

 

[havana1]

CountrySinger, THANK YOU and GOD BLESS YOU from a fellow single. Let me state prepare you up front for some of what you will undoubtedly hear (and which has already been posited), so might as well get used to these canards: “Quit being so selfish and start thinking about what you can bring to the liturgy,” or “It’s not the role of the Church to entertain you or find you a mate,” or whatever. If you’re brave enough to speak the truth of the situation (and it is true), then brace yourself for what you’ll get in return. The people who say such things really don’t know what they’re talking about, with all due respect.

Does anybody ask the children in Sunday school, “Think about what you can bring to the Lord’s table?” Does anybody ask the kids in LifeTeen, “What can you bring to the Lord’s table?” Or college kids in Newman Center? No. I don’t think so.

Yet, when a single young adult raises his or her hand to say, “Um…hello? I’m here, too?,” he or she immediately gets scrutinized, criticized, tarred and feathered, whatever. That’s not fair. It’s a serious double standard.

Because young adults are ostensibly treated like “second-class citizens,” the common sentiment has become, “Oh, being single is a vocation. Be thankful for that vocation.” That’s the only acknowledgment single young adults get from some people: that being a single young adult has become a “vocation.”

Your sentiment is shared by a lot of people out here. God bless you, and thank you for speaking up.

 

[Nina_Aniskowicz]

In heaven when love is perfect, there will be no room for invisability of single people or punishment them. We will all toghether , perfect in complete peace, no anxiety or concern about being single. But today i have expierience of the rejection in my own church. 15 years i do participate in this church, but no one even ever came to me first to say hallo. I am always standing or seating in the church along and no one concern about it. The single people have no activities or grups to participate when we can feel free and in our own peers. So I thing it is a subject to discuss in many churches. Social life is closed to famillies and reach people activities and attentions. Stronger , reacher one takes over the one who is shay or more quiet then others. I shared what I see.

 

[CountrySinger]

Thank you all for your kinds responses! It really touches me to hear married people to be supportive also! You are definently not “smug marrieds”! (Bridget Jones term, btw) :grouphug: It’s nice to see that other people feel the same way. The Church shouldn’t be excluding anyone. I know some of my single friends used to be Catholic, and left after not feeling welcome. Do you think that they will ever come back even if they get married after being gone so long? And the married ones only came back so they could have a big white church wedding.

 

[thequeen]

Hey countrysinger I can relate to how you feel and it sounds like you do a lot for your parish check out some of the other ministries I dont belong to a singles group I belong to the womens guild they have different activities each month sometime I find something I like sometimes I dont however at my parish it is the rich that get favored by our parish priest He announcedthat he is retiring next may news Ive been waitingf ifteen years to hear what I would suggest is that you keep opn going top mass at your regular parish and once a month or so so to the parish downtown I do that to

 

[KEVIN_WILCOX]

Seems we live in an age of ‘isms’: Sexism, ageism, racism, even Catholicism. People like to fit you in some place…or else you go into the “Too hard basket”.
“Me”, a name I call myself. Seems a lot of our problems come from those 2 little letters “M & E” and what importance we give them. Funny when we realize everyone is too concerned with their own little “M & E” to care too much about anyone else’s.
Proust had a lot of friends, Why? He learned early people were hung up by the hook of their own “M & E” and had difficulty seeing past their noses.

 

[ac_claire]

I’m not kidding about settling. Everyone has at least one redeeming quality.
I’ll be 28 next month, so time isn’t on my side. My aunt said it best “in this family, after 30, your looks go”. And then she offered me plastic surgery if I’m still unmarried at 30. If my looks go, I’m up a creek without a paddle.

Ughh…I so feel your pain! I have a big Irish family with 6 aunts who sound a lot like yours. They were always the ones at family reunions and holidays to ask me if I was seeing anyone, if not then why not, and didn’t I realize that I’m not getting any younger?? Of course they’re the first to point out if I’d gained a few pounds since the last time they saw me.

Respectfully, I gotta say that your aunt doesn’t know what she’s talking about. General statements like that are never true. And I agree with Serap that it’s not even close to being “too late” for you. It sounds like you don’t believe that now, which is good, but I just don’t want you to start having those thoughts if you haven’t found your husband in the next few years.

I was in your shoes, in my late 20’s I was single and wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family. It’s what I always wanted. I prayed and prayed about it, my family prayed about it. Finally, I sort of gave up. I prayed to God that I was done fighting and that I wanted His will to be done…And even if that meant I was to be single the rest of my life, I would accept that. It’s an extremely hard thing to do for people like you and me, who have always felt called to marriage and motherhood. So then, after that…I didn’t take myself off the market, but I stopped being desperate and lonely. I just refused to indulge those feelings at all. It got easier with practice.

I met my fiance when I had just turned 30, and it was one of those things that neither of us were in *any way *looking for…Our attachment was immediate and things just took off on their own momentum. We very strongly felt the hand of God leading us, and still do. I think that this all started happening right after I decided that ultimately, it was all in God’s hands and I trusted him to provide. And he did!