K
kage_ar
Guest
I still want to know why she talks about what goes on between mommy and daddy in bed to her child. That is creepy.
- Status
J
Joe_5859
Guest
This thread makes me want to go out, get my wife some hot chocolate, and tell her I love her. 
I’ll keep you in my prayers, Sam.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, Sam.
L
Liberanosamalo
Guest
Easy for you, but bad parenting. You need to watch them do it badly so at least they learn how to do it.
Get your wife and laugh and say “We’re going to sit here and watch the kids clean the house and fold the clothes.”
It could be rather funny.
Your family needs to laugh more and have more fun.
Even if you like doing chores, don’t let it isolate you. Pour her a cup of coffee and ask her to keep you company while you chip the grout and replace it. Talk about her family, the economy, the weather, plans for the front garden, what you think the kids will grow up and do, which one will end up in jail, that kind of thing…
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joandarc2008
Guest
OK, now I know where my marriage would be twenty years from now if we had not gone to counseling and had five kids…
I did some of the same things your wife did in reaction to behaviors I felt were untrustworthy and eploitive. Women are emotional creatures while men are physical ones. Women say I love you to say I love you while men make love to show I love you. We are not going to roll in the hay if we are upset with you.
Lack of sex is a symptom in a marriage usually and not the problem. Counseling either pastoral, secular, or both is usually a good solution.
BTW- for anyone who has been following - my dh came from his counseling today to my work with a dozen assorted roses in order to say thanks for being me. He is starting to realize that his inner child can be “a little rough to deal with.”
I did some of the same things your wife did in reaction to behaviors I felt were untrustworthy and eploitive. Women are emotional creatures while men are physical ones. Women say I love you to say I love you while men make love to show I love you. We are not going to roll in the hay if we are upset with you.
Lack of sex is a symptom in a marriage usually and not the problem. Counseling either pastoral, secular, or both is usually a good solution.
BTW- for anyone who has been following - my dh came from his counseling today to my work with a dozen assorted roses in order to say thanks for being me. He is starting to realize that his inner child can be “a little rough to deal with.”
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shannyk
Guest
I go back to what I said earlier, I think wife has medical/emotional/mental issues. She sounds depressed.
Honestly if she gets that riled up about her husband, the father, the breadwinner, occasionally getting pop for his own children, well then you are wound up very tight indeed.
A man makes a gesture of love and affection and you get angry? Not the reaction of a well person.
She has the luxury of having a work from home husband who does chores while she home schools and plays on facebook? yet there is room to whine? Again, not normal.
This woman is a couple of things from what I can see, not mentally well, and not spiritually grounded.
If Sam’s story was coming from a woman everyone would be telling her to “get out now! He’s emotionally abusive!”
Sam, I have no doubt you aren’t the perfect husband either and I’m sure you can improve in some areas. I’m sure that your wife may have grown tired of some of your bad habits or lack of good habits. News flash, that is marriage, and you’re human.
This is no excuse or good reason for her to treat you like she is, laugh at you when you ask her a question and bring up sexual issues the two of you have to your son, and play on facebook all day. To be honest she sounds…spoiled, and depressed.
I think she should talk to her doctor and you both to a counselor.
Honestly if she gets that riled up about her husband, the father, the breadwinner, occasionally getting pop for his own children, well then you are wound up very tight indeed.
A man makes a gesture of love and affection and you get angry? Not the reaction of a well person.
She has the luxury of having a work from home husband who does chores while she home schools and plays on facebook? yet there is room to whine? Again, not normal.
This woman is a couple of things from what I can see, not mentally well, and not spiritually grounded.
If Sam’s story was coming from a woman everyone would be telling her to “get out now! He’s emotionally abusive!”
Sam, I have no doubt you aren’t the perfect husband either and I’m sure you can improve in some areas. I’m sure that your wife may have grown tired of some of your bad habits or lack of good habits. News flash, that is marriage, and you’re human.
This is no excuse or good reason for her to treat you like she is, laugh at you when you ask her a question and bring up sexual issues the two of you have to your son, and play on facebook all day. To be honest she sounds…spoiled, and depressed.
I think she should talk to her doctor and you both to a counselor.
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dulcissima
Guest
Why don’t you and your wife read a book together? I recommend that you try Dr. Laura’s book on the proper care and feeding of husbands. I think that there is some advice in there that would go a long way in your situation, Sam.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
I wouldn’t say she’s abusive and he needs to get out. His only issue is she won’t have sex more than twice a year. He hasn’t indicated any huge red flags, withholding money or other issues. He DID indicate areas he needs to work on.
She’s responsible and homeschooling and there isn’t infidelity going on that we know of and she doesn’t prevent him from talking on the phone and he didn’t say she spends all her time calling him names.
He wrote so my advice was directed at him.
I would have been harsh and mean to her too if she had written the letter.
Because it’s free advice. What do you want? Nice too?
Pay for that!
But he can’t change her. He can only change what he’s doing. That might produce a change in her. First things first. No point jabbing a finger in her direction about how bad she is when he should first make sure he isn’t contributing to the situation.
If the situation hasn’t improved in a few months if he changes some things, and she won’t go to counseling, then he should evaluate how much he can stand. But there are 5 kids here. This is their home. Dividing it in 2 is not a good option. A judge won’t necessarily say she’s unfit or he is.
I gave advice to try to help him see things first that he can do. He didn’t start adding in all the red flashing lights that eventually spill out in other stories and other people’s problems. I think this is fixable. It’s not hopeless. I don’t think EVERY situation is hopeless. I’m not that far gone yet.
She’s responsible and homeschooling and there isn’t infidelity going on that we know of and she doesn’t prevent him from talking on the phone and he didn’t say she spends all her time calling him names.
He wrote so my advice was directed at him.
I would have been harsh and mean to her too if she had written the letter.
Because it’s free advice. What do you want? Nice too?Pay for that!
But he can’t change her. He can only change what he’s doing. That might produce a change in her. First things first. No point jabbing a finger in her direction about how bad she is when he should first make sure he isn’t contributing to the situation.
If the situation hasn’t improved in a few months if he changes some things, and she won’t go to counseling, then he should evaluate how much he can stand. But there are 5 kids here. This is their home. Dividing it in 2 is not a good option. A judge won’t necessarily say she’s unfit or he is.
I gave advice to try to help him see things first that he can do. He didn’t start adding in all the red flashing lights that eventually spill out in other stories and other people’s problems. I think this is fixable. It’s not hopeless. I don’t think EVERY situation is hopeless. I’m not that far gone yet.
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dulcissima
Guest
I don’t think anyone has told him to get out, but here are the red flag items for me:
“A few days ago, my wife made a comment in passing to my young son about bad things I was doing to her at night.” This is a HUGE red flag
So far this year we have had marital relations twice.Withholding physical affection is a very powerful form of abuse
For example, I do the laundry, dishes, and clean up the kids rooms. It often bugs me that I seem to be working harder than her, although she seems to think its the other way around.
Basically she seems angry all the time and I try to stay out of her way as much as possible. His response to her shows you just how angry she is.
I know whatever I do will somehow end up badly.Wow, I know that feeling
She complains so much all I can do is sit there and take it.He is in a position of being powerless
I have my own business. I normally keep money to pay taxes and to fund the business. I give her the bulk of the money. For example last year I made $150 and she got $100k. I think I spent $12k on business expenses - books, computers, etc. The rest of the money went to taxes. She is IN CONTROL of the money, not him, even though it is his business
I don’t like having to justify to her all my expenses.She’s not his mom
like to keep these expenses quiet and separate from her as she does the bills and for days when she is doing the bills she gets very stressed out and makes life unpleasant for us while she is doing them.He makes $150k/yr and has to sneak being able to pay for dental care, and she is the one complaining about his breath
She yells at the kids, insist they do their school work and I am the guy marking their work to ensure that they have done it. I constantly point out to her that yelling at them to complete their work has no effect other than to raise the noise level. Not a healthy situation for the kids.
Other areas this occurs in - well I bring my sons to scouts. She is unhappy about this as, from what I recall, I can’t commit to all of their meetings as I am out of town from time to time. Sounds like a combination of a control issue and her not wanting to contribute to this worthwhile activity for their sons
“A few days ago, my wife made a comment in passing to my young son about bad things I was doing to her at night.” This is a HUGE red flag
So far this year we have had marital relations twice.Withholding physical affection is a very powerful form of abuse
For example, I do the laundry, dishes, and clean up the kids rooms. It often bugs me that I seem to be working harder than her, although she seems to think its the other way around.
Basically she seems angry all the time and I try to stay out of her way as much as possible. His response to her shows you just how angry she is.
I know whatever I do will somehow end up badly.Wow, I know that feeling
She complains so much all I can do is sit there and take it.He is in a position of being powerless
I have my own business. I normally keep money to pay taxes and to fund the business. I give her the bulk of the money. For example last year I made $150 and she got $100k. I think I spent $12k on business expenses - books, computers, etc. The rest of the money went to taxes. She is IN CONTROL of the money, not him, even though it is his business
I don’t like having to justify to her all my expenses.She’s not his mom
like to keep these expenses quiet and separate from her as she does the bills and for days when she is doing the bills she gets very stressed out and makes life unpleasant for us while she is doing them.He makes $150k/yr and has to sneak being able to pay for dental care, and she is the one complaining about his breath
She yells at the kids, insist they do their school work and I am the guy marking their work to ensure that they have done it. I constantly point out to her that yelling at them to complete their work has no effect other than to raise the noise level. Not a healthy situation for the kids.
Other areas this occurs in - well I bring my sons to scouts. She is unhappy about this as, from what I recall, I can’t commit to all of their meetings as I am out of town from time to time. Sounds like a combination of a control issue and her not wanting to contribute to this worthwhile activity for their sons
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Whitacre_Girl
Guest
As a young wife, I don’t have the experience that some of the other posters have. Especially since I haven’t reached menopause or had 1 kid, let alone 5…but while in any situation both people have faults…Some of the things your wife has done and said are huge red flags of a very serious problem.
Sex twice this year? Like, starting in January? That is a serious problem. No, you aren’t suppose to take is selfishly, but she isn’t supposed to withhold selfishly. It’s not…well normal to only have sex with your spouse twice in an 11 month period. WHat even more not normal is to call spooning “inappropriate” or complain about it A YOUNG SON.
While hygeine can be an issue, it doesn’t explain other things going on. She shouldn’t have told your son, she should be cricizing every little things, and refusing intimacy. I don’t know, but something really smells rotten in Denmark on her side.
I Understand she could be tired, stressed, and frustrated, but wives don’t do this to their husbands. Like I said, it’s not normal. Counselling is a good thing to look into since i get the feeling that there are things she isn’t saying, and things you aren’t saying to her.
Sex twice this year? Like, starting in January? That is a serious problem. No, you aren’t suppose to take is selfishly, but she isn’t supposed to withhold selfishly. It’s not…well normal to only have sex with your spouse twice in an 11 month period. WHat even more not normal is to call spooning “inappropriate” or complain about it A YOUNG SON.
While hygeine can be an issue, it doesn’t explain other things going on. She shouldn’t have told your son, she should be cricizing every little things, and refusing intimacy. I don’t know, but something really smells rotten in Denmark on her side.
I Understand she could be tired, stressed, and frustrated, but wives don’t do this to their husbands. Like I said, it’s not normal. Counselling is a good thing to look into since i get the feeling that there are things she isn’t saying, and things you aren’t saying to her.
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purplesunshine
Guest
One thing that jumped out at me is that she feels you aren’t backing her up. Kids at a certian age can get unbearable to a mother if the father is permissive and “makes the rules.”
If wife says “no soda” and you take the kids and give them soda, it show a lack of respect for her rules. If you want respect, even if you can’t figure a good reason for no soda there should be no soda…and I’m sure a bunch of other little things. Do you know why she says no soda? The kids get hyper and you hand them off to her? High fructose corn syrup is actually HORRIBLE for people. Anyway, I can see how she’s hurt by the small things.
While I am deeply disturbed what she told your son it may be indicative of her frustration. Wrong, wrong wrong…
counseling is in order, but for now, as far as the kids, stick to her rules unless they’re being put in physical danger. That means no treats unless she says. Give her the chance to be the “good guy”
If wife says “no soda” and you take the kids and give them soda, it show a lack of respect for her rules. If you want respect, even if you can’t figure a good reason for no soda there should be no soda…and I’m sure a bunch of other little things. Do you know why she says no soda? The kids get hyper and you hand them off to her? High fructose corn syrup is actually HORRIBLE for people. Anyway, I can see how she’s hurt by the small things.
While I am deeply disturbed what she told your son it may be indicative of her frustration. Wrong, wrong wrong…
counseling is in order, but for now, as far as the kids, stick to her rules unless they’re being put in physical danger. That means no treats unless she says. Give her the chance to be the “good guy”
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SamSmith
Guest
My wife and I had a talk last night.
Basically she said that she felt used and that all I wanted from her was sex. She did complain the only time I was affectionate with her was in bed and she translated that as wanting sex. She also said that our bed times are completely different which also means no couple time and she felt that I was going to bed early to avoid her. I confess there is some truth there. She likes to stay up at night to have facebook time and to do graphics on the computer.
She also complained about us not spending any time together and finding no support from me on health issues. My take on her health issues is that she would not go to see a doctor for them, so IMO she had no right to complain. I am stating that badly but in her mind I was not compassionate, in my mind it was more of her complaining and not doing anything about it.
She also complained about lack of trust and how it prevents us being a couple when I keep her out of aspects of my life.
I also wanted to thank purplesunshine for her comments on discipline. What I have come to realize is that all my wife can really do is yell at the kids. She isn’t really able to sit beside them and have them write 200 lines “I must not put the cat in the dryer” because of all her other responsibilities and her health issues (she has hypertension, diabetes, and is overweight). But your comments purplesunshine certainly cast the situation in a different light.
I can see more clearly now my problems, but I feel much more loving to her now
Liberanosamalo, you are sometimes off the mark, but all in all very perceptive.
Basically she said that she felt used and that all I wanted from her was sex. She did complain the only time I was affectionate with her was in bed and she translated that as wanting sex. She also said that our bed times are completely different which also means no couple time and she felt that I was going to bed early to avoid her. I confess there is some truth there. She likes to stay up at night to have facebook time and to do graphics on the computer.
She also complained about us not spending any time together and finding no support from me on health issues. My take on her health issues is that she would not go to see a doctor for them, so IMO she had no right to complain. I am stating that badly but in her mind I was not compassionate, in my mind it was more of her complaining and not doing anything about it.
She also complained about lack of trust and how it prevents us being a couple when I keep her out of aspects of my life.
I also wanted to thank purplesunshine for her comments on discipline. What I have come to realize is that all my wife can really do is yell at the kids. She isn’t really able to sit beside them and have them write 200 lines “I must not put the cat in the dryer” because of all her other responsibilities and her health issues (she has hypertension, diabetes, and is overweight). But your comments purplesunshine certainly cast the situation in a different light.
I can see more clearly now my problems, but I feel much more loving to her now
Liberanosamalo, you are sometimes off the mark, but all in all very perceptive.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
Sometimes we must learn to look within before we look without and we will find the answers that we can change.
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Tosk
Guest
Talking about your sex life to with your son is really super creepy.
I truly do not understand people who let the issue of withholding affection go on for so long. If i woke up one morning and decided I would no longer go to work because I didn’t feel like it I bet my wife would demand I resolve my issues pretty quickly. I’m kinda surprised you let her dictate everything to you like that. Maybe you should stand up for yourself a little more.
I truly do not understand people who let the issue of withholding affection go on for so long. If i woke up one morning and decided I would no longer go to work because I didn’t feel like it I bet my wife would demand I resolve my issues pretty quickly. I’m kinda surprised you let her dictate everything to you like that. Maybe you should stand up for yourself a little more.
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dulcissima
Guest
She has hypertension, diabetes, is overweight and won’t go see a doctor? Those are extremely serious conditions. What is she expecting that you should do about them?
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SamSmith
Guest
I didn’t state that correctly.
Yes, she has diabetes, hypertension, and is overweight.
She is under medical supervision for these.
The problem is that she vents a lot about her high blood pressure, her toe pain, her high sugars and I hear “why don’t you do something.” I try to encourage her to ask her doctor about it, but she is unwilling to go.
Just recently after years of neuropathy in her toes she finally went to see her doctor about it after I did an internet search on it and pointed out to her how important foot examinations are to her.
I used to work in the medical field and some patients are self diagnosing and will follow their doctors orders. With others its like pulling teeth and doctors try to fire them as patients. She is unfortunately in the second category.
Yes, she has diabetes, hypertension, and is overweight.
She is under medical supervision for these.
The problem is that she vents a lot about her high blood pressure, her toe pain, her high sugars and I hear “why don’t you do something.” I try to encourage her to ask her doctor about it, but she is unwilling to go.
Just recently after years of neuropathy in her toes she finally went to see her doctor about it after I did an internet search on it and pointed out to her how important foot examinations are to her.
I used to work in the medical field and some patients are self diagnosing and will follow their doctors orders. With others its like pulling teeth and doctors try to fire them as patients. She is unfortunately in the second category.
K
kittery
Guest
As I read your original posts, I was suspicious that this may have been my own husband writing this. I can put myself in your wife’s shoes, because I have the same kind of marriage right now- disconnected and confusing. Not at all what I thought marriage would be, and deep down she is probably just as disappointed as you are about your lack of physical intimacy and most certainly dissappointed by the lack of emotional intimacy between the two of you.
Do you mean that your wife asks YOU why YOU don’t do something about her health issues? If that is the case, she is simply OVERWHELMED and she is crying out for help. She is so busy taking care of your five children, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, etc. that she does not know how to fit her own needs in and let alone yours. …I would bet the #1 REASON she does not want your kids to have soda is that she knows it’s a fast-track to less-than optimal health, including diabetes
Do you have a gym membership? If not, maybe the next time she asks you to do something, you could suggest a family gym membership. Show her that her health is absolutely a priority to you as well as the health of your entire family. Then promise to give her time for 2 or 3 solo trips the gym each week while you watch after the children. And while she’s gone for those 2 or 3 solo workouts, recruit the kids to do a “turbo-clean” of the house for 1 hour while she’s gone. This would give her her own space, improve her health (and state of mind), and REWARD her for taking that time to focus on herself. If she leaves for an hour to workout and returns to a house where there are just more chores for her to catch up on, her motivation to work out will plummet. Plus it would be a great way to show the kids that their mother is held in very high esteem in your household. Your wife’s outlook would improve, and quickly I’m sure.
Do you mean that your wife asks YOU why YOU don’t do something about her health issues? If that is the case, she is simply OVERWHELMED and she is crying out for help. She is so busy taking care of your five children, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, etc. that she does not know how to fit her own needs in and let alone yours. …I would bet the #1 REASON she does not want your kids to have soda is that she knows it’s a fast-track to less-than optimal health, including diabetes
Do you have a gym membership? If not, maybe the next time she asks you to do something, you could suggest a family gym membership. Show her that her health is absolutely a priority to you as well as the health of your entire family. Then promise to give her time for 2 or 3 solo trips the gym each week while you watch after the children. And while she’s gone for those 2 or 3 solo workouts, recruit the kids to do a “turbo-clean” of the house for 1 hour while she’s gone. This would give her her own space, improve her health (and state of mind), and REWARD her for taking that time to focus on herself. If she leaves for an hour to workout and returns to a house where there are just more chores for her to catch up on, her motivation to work out will plummet. Plus it would be a great way to show the kids that their mother is held in very high esteem in your household. Your wife’s outlook would improve, and quickly I’m sure.
S
shannyk
Guest
Sam forgive me, but I don’t understand how your wife can simultaneously be getting care for her health issues and not going to the doctor? I’m confused? If she’s under care for her diabetes how can the doc not be noticing her neuropathy? Has the doctor told her about the connections between diabetes and depression/anxiety? And on top of that you say she is postmenopausal, having erratic heavy periods etc…this poor woman sounds like she’s in a n absolute hormone catastrophe!!! With her weight up, estrogen high, and her diabetes apparently not well controlled and the hormone imbalance that goes along with that…she’s really in a bad place.
I’d go so far as to say that with her hormones and therefore emotions/mental state so out of whack there is no amount of you doing anything that will make things better. Her health issues have to be better addressed. She*** has ***to address them.
S
SamSmith
Guest
Let me try to explain the medical situation, as I may have mischaracterized it.
First off, kittery - great idea about turbo clean. Bad idea about the gym. She would never go to a place where men and wome leap about in spandex with her body type. However, that does give me an idea of family excersize.
This is my frustration. She complains about hp ad blood sugars. “This medication is not working and all it does is make me feel bad.” I tell her to ask her brother who is her doctor btw. She doesn’t want to as she finds him unsympathetic. So, she gets so discouraged about her high numbers she stops taking her bp and blook sugar readings.
Then she complains about her toe pain - diabetic neuropathy. I ask her if her Doctor has done a foot exam. No he hasn’t. I ask her what her sugars are like. She hasn’t taken them.
Her brother has made recomendations about her diet. He has had her see and endriconologist who recommends a certain diet. she does not follow their recommendations. When all this first started I made her breakfast following the diabetic diet. She was so turned off by it, and got quite upset with me, to the point where I have not tried to encourage her to take it again.
Now, for about 5 years now she has complained about “pain”, unspecified pain. I have been urging her to get a medical opion about this. She did not. It was not until she had a medical emergency this past year that she went to the doctor for treatement and was classified as a diabetic.
To my surpise she went to see her brother/the doctor yesterday or perhaps the day before about her foot pain - after I had google on it and pointed out that there is medication for this.
In my opinion they cycle is this
First off, kittery - great idea about turbo clean. Bad idea about the gym. She would never go to a place where men and wome leap about in spandex with her body type. However, that does give me an idea of family excersize.
This is my frustration. She complains about hp ad blood sugars. “This medication is not working and all it does is make me feel bad.” I tell her to ask her brother who is her doctor btw. She doesn’t want to as she finds him unsympathetic. So, she gets so discouraged about her high numbers she stops taking her bp and blook sugar readings.
Then she complains about her toe pain - diabetic neuropathy. I ask her if her Doctor has done a foot exam. No he hasn’t. I ask her what her sugars are like. She hasn’t taken them.
Her brother has made recomendations about her diet. He has had her see and endriconologist who recommends a certain diet. she does not follow their recommendations. When all this first started I made her breakfast following the diabetic diet. She was so turned off by it, and got quite upset with me, to the point where I have not tried to encourage her to take it again.
Now, for about 5 years now she has complained about “pain”, unspecified pain. I have been urging her to get a medical opion about this. She did not. It was not until she had a medical emergency this past year that she went to the doctor for treatement and was classified as a diabetic.
To my surpise she went to see her brother/the doctor yesterday or perhaps the day before about her foot pain - after I had google on it and pointed out that there is medication for this.
In my opinion they cycle is this
- she has a medical problem - ailment/unspecified problem. She is fearful about
- I urge her to see her doctor, she doesn’t - granted she is busy
- problem gets worse, eventually problem gets so bad she sees doctor
- doctor prescribes something - some course of action
- she follows action - sometimes reluctantly, sometimes more entusiastically
- problem continues - she gets discouraged, I urge her to see her doctor and sometimes ask him myself about it
- she may discontinue action, ie no bp or sugar readings
S
SamSmith
Guest
shannyk - to follow up on your questions:
Doctor missing neuropathy - very good question. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him. However he has now.
"Has the doctor told her about the connections between diabetes and depression/anxiety? "
I don’t know. However this is news to me! Thank you for pointing this out!!!
Regarding her health issues being addressed - how? I find it hard to get her to address them myself without her getting angry at me (IMHO).
I’ll try to talk to her about this though. Normally I don’t push through her venting at me at how hard it is for her to take her sugars, and following the diet.
I suspect that this is why her brother/her doctor is unsympathetic.
Doctor missing neuropathy - very good question. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him. However he has now.
"Has the doctor told her about the connections between diabetes and depression/anxiety? "
I don’t know. However this is news to me! Thank you for pointing this out!!!
Regarding her health issues being addressed - how? I find it hard to get her to address them myself without her getting angry at me (IMHO).
I’ll try to talk to her about this though. Normally I don’t push through her venting at me at how hard it is for her to take her sugars, and following the diet.
I suspect that this is why her brother/her doctor is unsympathetic.
S
SamSmith
Guest
one more thing shannyk - about her being in a bad place hormoneally and all - what can I do? I can’t get her to see her gynacologist.
- Status