St. Monica, Pray for us!

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JLC - I agree with Rammy on the idea of reminding him that he is still coming to grips, and it’s normal for him to feel a little out-of-sorts - at least, it’s important for me to do this with my DH whenever there is any rough news in our household. Otherwise, my DH will start realizing that he’s not doing things as well as he should be but won’t realize why, and will often get more depressed. Dunno if all men are this way. I hope your DH can get to a place where you can rely on him for some emotional support.

As far as how SAHMs feel, my experience with being home 8 months and then returning to work was that it was a lot less intense to mother over the course of the whole day than to try and be everything they needed from a mother outside of work hours. It’s still hard and it’s more constant, but being able to work on something over the course of full days seemed less draining, for me. I found that the hard part of being a SAHM was having sole responsibility for home-management, plus having to care for a home while most of the family lives in it all day. You probably still do most of the home-management (divvying up chores, figuring out what the kids need, motivating people to do their parts, organizing schedules, staying in touch with friends, etc.).

Being a mom in a two-income family is rough, these days. As a society, we’ve come to terms with the idea that a woman can handle a man’s work when necessary in most cases, but we still think our men aren’t capable of handling women’s work - plus we still don’t realize how much managing most women do for their households (at, least I certainly didn’t realize it until DH and I reversed our roles!). DH and I spent 5 months as a two-income family about two years ago, and I told him that either he would quit, or I would 😛 It’s really, really tough, even with a supportive DH. You should be very satisfied with what you are capable of doing!
 
Rammy - so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hopefully the move is a lot of it - my DH goes into a funk for 9 months or so every time we move. I really can’t imagine dealing with the drinking. It sounds like you really do need to be laying down the law, what a sad position to be in! But it’s good that you are being strong about it. I’m sure sometimes you feel anything but strong, but you clearly are holding things together anyways.

I don’t know why, but I really like the idea of living in an old high school! It sounds big and spacious. Maybe it’s the idea of trying to renovate it on a budget . . . it’s the kind of thing I would love to try and do. And those windows may be expensive, but they also sound like they will be beautiful!
 
DH finally sat down last night to hash out his/our feelings about the baby. He is still VERY upset. We dragged out all of our issues and I realized that his heart has not softened on a number of things that I had hoped for.

The issue of a vasectomy came up. I explained how I felt like saying No to God on this issue and defying His law and the Church’s teaching on this issue would be a curse on our marriage and family and cut off our witness to others and esp. our children. I told him, ‘I don’t want to stand at the end of my life, giving an account, looking back on this moment and for there to be even a shred of evidence that I even entertained much less condoned you having this procedure.’ However, I did say that b/c of the how strongly he feels about our family planning that I almost feel obligated for our marriage to turn the other way and neither condone nor condemn his wishes in going thru with this. I know that’s a complete contradiction.

He HATES NFP and does not believe AT ALL that it works. I explained that it only works if we follow the rules and I tried to site a number of couples that we both look up to who practice NFP successfully, but then, both the husband and wife are active in the church and I truly believe that their faithfulness and stewardship plays a huge part in their success in all areas of their family life. I’d like to put a positive spin on the situation when we give an account to our family and friends about our current predicament and tell them how great NFP has been for us, but at the same time I feel like I’d just being trying to make light of what we really feel like is just irresponsibility.

I’m really praying that this baby is a baby of reconciliation for our family. I truly do not feel like either of our families are going to be very supportive of this pregnancy. I know this sounds petty, but I really feel like at least if it was a girl, that would somehow soften the blow b/c DH’s family doesn’t have any girls and they would LOVE a baby girl! Please, God, let this be a baby of reconciliation.

DH still has many doubts about the faith, yet he will not seek counsel b/c he feels like no matter how much he likes and admires those who would counsel him, their answers would not be good enough for him. I’m praying that he will continue to go to mass with us even when he’s unsure about his faith and that God will use this small sacrifice to soften his heart.

We talked about the expense of the procedure and that it might not be covered if it is an elective procedure, but he assured me that some ins. companies do cover this. Praying that as one small road block, our particular carrier will not cover this. He does not want anymore after this (and b/c of his strong feelings, neither do I for fear of our marriage and family), but he’s unsure how we will accomplish this if he doesn’t have a vasectomy and he doesn’t trust NFP. I told him that celibacy would not be good for our marriage and that b/c of his past trouble with pornography that this and self-gratification would likely take grip of him again and that would really be damaging to our marriage and family.

Don’t know what the answer is except to continue praying. Asking for the courage to seek counsel from our parish priest even if I have to go it alone - I truly do not have anyone else I can talk to about this who I feel would understand and be able to offer sound Christian advice. Feeling very alone right now.

DH doesn’t blame his family for the possibility that they may not be supportive and this is hurtful to me that he would not stand up for me/us and let them know that their criticism and judgement is not helpful and that we just need prayers and support.

One piece of good news is that he did confess that he hates how his schedule/routine makes him feel as much as I do as far as not being helpful with the children. Please God, see this small opening and let DH allow you into this area of his life to increase his devotion and affection toward his vocation as a father. I teased that I wouldn’t know what to do w/ DH if he DID start helping w/ the children b/c we having morning and evening prayers and DH would have to subject himself to that.

DH confessed and I agreed w/ him that I don’t know how to go out and have a good time w/out criticizing and judging others. It’s true - I’m not into the same sorts of things I was when we started dating and we were teenagers. DH attended a get-together w/ his co-workers while the kids and I were out of town a few months ago. He said there are tons of get-togethers that he gets invited to but he doesn’t go to them b/c he knows I would never go to them. But I’m afraid that if I DON’T start going w/ him, he’s just going to go alone and it could lead to adultery. He also said it was so much fun, maybe only for him, when I was on the pill and we could do whatever we want whenever we want. I’m afraid that if this ‘freedom’ were available to us again, any and all progress in our communication would go right out the window. I’m afraid that we would quit talking about things and working on having affection towards one another outside of the bedroom and that I would just become an object again and that our intimacy would lose its sacredness. Once he’s able to get what he wants again and maybe even if we experienced an increase in material wealth, I’m afraid he would quit exploring the faith and going to church.

PLEEEEASE PRAY!!!
 
Sorry for the longwinded sobfest. Praise God, DH just called to apologize for being a jerk and being so negative about our situation. He really does feel trapped and that his future is doomed to living at work just to provide for our family to be dirt poor and we’re never going to have family vacations or a nice house or anything . . .It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me, this is approximately a 2 yr commitment - firstly, carrying the baby, but then giving my up lunch hours for months on end to pump at work. But I know that this too shall pass. I’m sure anyone we ask with little ones would agree that these early years both in marriage and in childrearing are the most challenging and even overwhelming at times. Hoping we can buck each other up soon.
 
You see, prayer does work…i am glad there was some emotional releif, even if it was just a little bit. I pray for the commitment you have spiritually to be kept this strong and it lead you to his will. Let his will be yours, with much more ease as life goes on.

God bless …
 
My wife just told me last night that she wants to convert to catholicism and go through rcia, which starts this august!!! Thank you all for your prayers!!!
 
Lampo said:
My wife just told me last night that she wants to convert to catholicism and go through rcia, which starts this august!!! Thank you all for your prayers!!!
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Praise God!

PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

(conversions of our husbands)

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen
 
Hi, all.

My marriage is **** **** ****!!

I posted here a long time ago, and have not been here in a long time, except as a lurker.

However, my prayers to St. Monica are very necessary, because I need to say, this LOUSY LOUSY marriage needs SERIOUS PRAYER.

I am SO DONE with my husband, who is a disbelieving cradle Catholic, with serious contempt for me and all that I stand for.

I am sick of faking that I am “OKAY” with him NEVER being around or in my world. That lady that shows up at every event without her husband? It is not by choice. She is me. I am so sick of faking that I am “OKAY” with it. I actually hate it. It is not my choice. If it were not for the children, I would toss him out, he would come home and find his clothes on the lawn. The locks would be changed. It is a bad world to be in, and it is my life.

Please pray for him.

He needs it.

I trust God’s will. But I sure wish I knew where He is going with this. Because it hurts. And I am out of strength.
 
sandraladeda

Please don’t lose hope. Do all that you can - remember sts. Monica and Therese of Lesieux prayed for YEARS for their husbands and sons conversions. Light a candle at mass, bless him with holy water while he’s sleeping, pray the rosary.

I struggle myself praciticing charity with my own DH for a number of reasons and I have been there myself, toting 2 small ones to church and always having to face the embarrassment of everyone asking where DH is. I always had to lie and say that he wasn’t feeling well, or I would just say ‘he’s at home,’ (which was the truth). I’d barely make it to the car, answering everyone’s greetings with each shameful step before I’d break down in tears and cry all the way home.

I tend to treat DH like dirt if I feel let down by him - which is most of the time. I started reading Dr.Laura’s book on the proper care and feeding of husbands. I don’t think DH changed as much as I did in my attitude towards him. I have since strayed and I need to go back and read thru her book again - but I have the privelage of getting a small glimpse every now and then of DH’s brokenness. He is often depressed and he isn’t sure that family life is turning out how he expected and the pressure to provide for us and all of mine and the kids’ needs are overwhelming.

The way I treat him with total disregard for his own needs only complicates the issue. It’s hard for me to accept, but men really don’t have quite the same tolerance and patience as we women do in childrearing among other things and they really need time and space to themselves, I would estimate on a daily basis. It seems unfair to me that it should just be a given that DH would have all this time and space to himself - seemingly at the expense of the familie’s needs.

Remember, our husbands deserve our love and respect because they have inherent value as human beings. I know it’s hard to remember all this in the heat of the moment - I am a very hot-headed person myself. But when I’m frustrated w/ DH, I tend to be shorter with the kids and then they exhibit my behavior towards them with one another and it puts me in check.

Just think if the shoe were on the other foot. I often think about if DH wanted to belong to another faith and if I didn’t come along how I would feel if he treated me the same as I am treating him. I know how lonely you must feel, but Jesus is with you. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you that Jesus will help us to bear our crosses peacefully and graciously. His heart breaks for you and me b/c He never wanted us and our families to suffer in this way.
 
Praise the Lord with me for DH’s faithfulnees amidst doubt. After our conversation last week when DH expressed his anger about our situation and said to me that he’s NEVER been sure about religion and his contempt for my faith, I thought for sure he’d relapse to not going with us to mass again.

Praise the Lord that he went to Confession with me and the kids all of us together. I was also thankful to see our youngest son’s godparents there together for confession. They are converts and I am a little disappointed that we won’t see them at church for weeks on end, but seeing them there together gave me hope.

When we got in the car, DH told me ‘Well, that’s 2 people that know.’ I rebuked him for telling Fr. about the baby during confession, but I know it’s strictly confidential. DH really can’t keep his mouth shut!!! Really praying right now that my sis’s IVFing is successful this month just so we can be at peace about breaking our news! Thanks for all the prayers!
 
Prayers to all here.
St. Monica please pray for us and our husbands and families. Thank you for remembering us and giving us support.
St. Monica thank you for showing me that my husband is getting closer to our Lord.
Amen

Ladies,
My husband read a short book about the life of Jesus to our 2 and a half year old son on his own.

Amen.
 
sandraladeda said:
I am SO DONE with my husband, who is a disbelieving cradle Catholic, with serious contempt for me and all that I stand for.

I am sick of faking that I am “OKAY” with him NEVER being around or in my world. That lady that shows up at every event without her husband? It is not by choice. She is me. I am so sick of faking that I am “OKAY” with it. I actually hate it. It is not my choice. If it were not for the children, I would toss him out, he would come home and find his clothes on the lawn. The locks would be changed. It is a bad world to be in, and it is my life.
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I’m afraid that I’m not familiar with your situation, beyond what you wrote here. Is this mainly that he does not participate in the Catholic faith? Or is there more here? Is his contempt for you limited to religion, or is it in every part of your life? It sounds like you are feeling the pain most in the seperation between your faith lives and with his lack of involvement in the community you love, the church. But it also sounds like the problem is more than just about faith - you mention “serious contempt for me and all that I stand for.” This statement - “If it were not for the children, I would toss him out, he would come home and find his clothes on the lawn. The locks would be changed. It is a bad world to be in, and it is my life” - also sounds like there is more going on than just religious differences and him avoiding your faith life.

If this is about more than just faith and is tearing apart your relationship, you may want to consider counseling, in addition to prayer. I know that when we were going through big problems last year, it seemed that (for me, in my situation) God was calling me to admit that He was not giving me the power to heal these problems, and that He was calling me to ask someone else to help us fix our relationship. I don’t know if that is what He has planned for you - I struggle with pride and don’t admit weakness easily, so it was a good lesson for me. We had a good experience with a Gottman Institute trained counselor.

One thing that helps me is to remember that supporting my unbelieving spouse is doing work for God. It pleases God, even if my spouse does not yet choose to work with the graces that I obtain for him, and it is work for Christ just as feeding the hungry is. Through me, my unbelieving spouse is sanctified. I’m sure that this is true for a lasped Catholic spouse, too.

As for attending without your husband - I don’t think that you need to pretend that you are OK with your husband’s choices, although you shouldn’t speak poorly of him either. He chose not to come, and because he is an adult, you respected that choice. People there should rejoice to see you and your children, and shouldn’t be concerned about your husbands’ absence (unless they are honestly concerned about his welfare - e.g., worried he’s sick or something). By confidently attending without your husband, you are providing a witness to people of following Christ even before our earthly family (and witnessing and encouraging other women whose husbands may not be involved to not wait for him to be ready, but to do what they can now). And if you can enjoy yourself and come home happy and fulfilled, you husband will see that and you will be witnessing to him, as well. Even if you can’t, that you care enough to make the effort is a powerful witness.

These are just my thoughts, so don’t put too much into them. I wish I’d known these things earlier, but God calls us each to a different path.

You are in my prayers.
 
Alright sandraledado - scratch my previous advise, I’m in the boat right along side you today.

DH and I exploded at one another when I went home at lunch to do the dishes. He got up this morning and was gracious enough to help get one of the kids dressed, so I assumed he was up for the day. When I called home a half hour later to ask a favor before he left, he had gone back to bed. I called back another half hour later and he still wasn’t up. No surprise he was still in bed when I went home for lunch.

I was so furious that I yelled at him. He came into the kitchen where I was fixing my lunch (to take back to work and eat at my desk). He yelled that he’s sick of being treated the way I treat him and he threw DS’s new toy from his godparents on the floor and broke it.

I yelled back that I’m tired of him not working a full 80 hours a pay period and telling himself that b/c of our current predicament, he’s not going to get in his full mandatory OT for the month - just to give himself a break, since his boss was so kind to him last week to let him off the hook.

For the past 2 nights he has said that he would do the dishes before he goes to bed, but he hasn’t - he forgets. I tell him and tell him ‘labor before leisure’ - do them before you get on the computer. This is how I spend my lunch hours - going home and picking up his slack or running to the supermarket b/c I don’t have time w/ all the childcare. By the time they’re in bed every night, I am beyond spent and it’s time for me to call it a day too.

With him not working a full 80 hours every 2 weeks (let alone the OT that I’ve based our budget on) we cannot even afford to have spending money. I haven’t had my haircut in 3 months; I can’t afford to get a new pair of tennisshoes even from Wal-Mart that don’t give me blisters when I take the kids for a walk! And yes, I have looked at the only thrift store and consignment shop in town - no women’s tennisshoes even in stock. And this last pay period I even gave him the last of MY spending money to buy beer for a get-together at his brothers’ b/c he overspent and didn’t have enough.

I have told him at least once in the last week that if he isn’t feeling well and doesn’t know when he’s going in to just call and tell me so that I know what to expect. For all I know, he just didn’t feel like getting out of bed and he’s just TELLING me it’s b/c he doesn’t feel well to play on my sympathies or something.

I told him it would be easier for me to bear the burden of being the sole caretaker of our children and home if I didn’t have to put up with his unreliable schedule and moods. There is no way either of us could leave the home. I don’t have any family or friends in town and both of us would be too embarrassed to face his family after having him stay w/ any of them for a time. And you just plain don’t tell DH what to do or to take a hike. I am too humiliated to go talk to our parish priest and too pride-filled to pour out my heart to someone only to be told what I already know - that no matter what, I must do what is right even and esp when I don’t feel like it.

I’m also irritated that DH is perpetuating his depression over the pregnancy and using it as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities. I’m not psyched either, but I still have to get up and go to work every day. I still have to do the laundry and give baths and feed the kids - I don’t GET to be depressed. And most of my ill feelings about this stem from not having his support and encouragement.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to and I’m ashamed to say ANYTHING to ANYONE when it is nearing time to break our baby news to family and co-workers. They’ll be thinking the same thing as us - with all the trouble they’re having, it’s either due to the pregnancy, or the pregnancy is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

PLEEEASE PRAY!!!
 
Yeesh! The saga continues . . .The other night DH confessed to me that a few nights before when he’d gone to his brother’s, he went a bought a pack of cigarettes - with MY leftover spending money!!! But he assured me he was going to quit and get back on the patch. He is on the last 2-week box to quitting.

I smelled it on him again tonight as he’s coming to bed and I asked when he was going to quit. He said that since he was drinking he decided to have a smoke as well. So, in the morning while he’s still sleeping I guess I will do what I should have done yesterday - dumping the rest of the beer and raiding his truck to pitch the cigarettes.

I am so tired of this ****!!! He said he thought he wasn’t feeling well yesterday b/c of smoking the day before. Nice . . .
 
Patch + Drinking + smoking = deadly combo!

OMG, he could stroke or die from this.
Read the package insert for the patch!!!

Dump it all, for his safety! Read though,
it is russian roulette…big time!!!

Praying for his safety…

Lana
 
Well no, he didn’t use the patch - he went off of it after he bought his pack of smokes. I couldn’t find the pack anywhere in the house or car, but yesterday when I came home from lunch and he’d gone to his dr’s appt, I saw the opened box of patches and this morning he was actually up at the same time as us, putting his patch on. So we’re back on track, for now.

Yeah, I went to the fridge to pour out the rest of the beer and there was only one left, so that sort of stole my thunder. Oh well.

He reported his dr’s visit results to me and I was a little disappointed. When I called to set up the appt for him and they asked what it was for I mentioned his lump, but also added depression and sleeplessness. He didn’t mention either of the last two items, so he didn’t get treated. I was really hoping he would get on an antidepressant, so still praying for SOMETHING good to happen on that front.

I metioned to my MIL that DH needs to talk to his dad about getting some help patching up the gutters, borrow a ladder to clean them out and have DOD teach him how to change oil in the cars. I don’t think that conversation was had either.

Oh well, still praying. Praying for more consistency and reliability in his schedule and a greater zeal for activity and maintaining our goods, resources, property. Also offering up a sp int for tonight. He’s trying to decide between ‘gaming’ w/ his buddies online or going to the bar for a co-worker’s Bday party - I’m praying he’ll choose the former rather than the latter. Also praying he goes in tomorrow to get some OT in.
 
Prayers, JLCecilia! I’m glad things seem to be going a little better for your DH - kudos to him for not dwelling on slipping up and just getting back on the patch. I hope he gets whatever medication and home care training he needs.

And I have a little good news from our household - my DH just got his Network+ certification! This is a really big deal, since he has been a stay-at-home-dad for two years and needed something recent on his resume. This may also help him earn a little more money - if we are diligent, we might even be able to live off of his income alone once we get out of debt!

Now he needs to start looking for work, so prayers for him will be appreciated. He has a really hard time applying to jobs and can take days to apply to a single job sometimes. I’ll try to help by writing out draft marketing paragraphs and cover letters for him that he can modify for specific positions - that’s the thing he finds hardest. He also struggles with calling people up to check in on how the process is going. He does fine when he gets past that and into the interviews, etc.

I am really excited about this. My own dreams are dependent on his ability to get and hold a job right now (like so many other women, right?). I am really hoping that I will get to be a SAHM and have a large family. This could happen within a year, if he can get a job that pays well and doesn’t require too much childcare in the time until I can quit.
 
Hello all St. M’s pray-ers,

I haven’t been around for quite some time. Took a bit of a break. I see some new names in the new thread and I extend a welcome to all newbie. Prayers for all who are dealing with difficult marriages whether they be faith issues, addiction, infidelity or whatever issues are putting a strain on your marriage.

Myself - well let’s say little has changed. Those who know me can read between the lines and know what I mean.

I have just admitted to myself - I AM NOT HAPPY. My life feels like it’s in turmoil constantly and I am bone tired. I want to feel rested, happy and secure. I am none of these.

I continue to pray for my marriage. That my husband will heal so WE can heal. I will pray for all of your marriages as well.
 
Dearest Lambie,
I feel the exasperation in your words. A feeling of utter acceptance.
I too am feeling that, and i am simply so tired of feeling like i am in
this alone. I have NEVER felt like i dreamed i might one day.
I have never felt in partnership with my husband. I am very much
willing to just let him go now. I can do nothing more for him, or our
marriage. I am so tired of being the bad guy, the one to blame,
the one who will never say no, the one who is doing for everyone
yet not a single moment is praised enough to feel life come
back to my heart.

It is beyond wounded.

Today, i came home to the items i needed out of storage from our farm sitting on the pathway to my front doorstep of my apartment. My laundry bags of summy clothing for the girls, the summer fans, and a huge 5 foot long door with permanant marker on it that read for all of my neighbours to see, “I won’t be home untill you get a job”.

Mortified was the least of my anger. He was drinking and driving to deliver this. He left everything out side in the pouring rain. I have no money for laundry, and i now have…on top of all of my own laundry, bags of sopping wet clothing.

Then i call him back…no answer of course. Yet latter found a message on my own machine telling me he was, “glad i got his note…you better read it cause I really don’t want to come home.”

Sooooo tired of the baby wanting to be mothered, and the teenager refusing to accept responsibility for anything he has ever done…both, one and the same person.

sigh…

Lana
 
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