Stay at home parenting vs professional vocation

[on_a_journey]

SAH mom of six here…why is it that I get unsolicited comments regarding the decision to work versus stay home to raise children as well as the number of children a person has or doesn’t have. I’ve chalked it up to insecurity with and justification of their choices.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

on a journey:

SAH mom of six here…why is it that I get unsolicited comments regarding the decision to work versus stay home to raise children as well as the number of children a person has or doesn’t have. I’ve chalked it up to insecurity with and justification of their choices.

Honestly, I think that is just life. We all get unsolicited comments/opinions/advice about all kinds of stuations and life circumstances (from jobs to parenting to health)…the further we are from the societal norm, the more we seem to get.

Don’t take it personal. As you can tell from this thread, you as a SAHM have tons of support! Thank you for bringing 6 little lives into this world and sticking around to raise them!

Malia

 

[vluvski]

This last slew of posts here is very heartening- I was beginning to think I was a conservative minority even among the conservative minority.
I have two female colleagues, both of whom I respect very much professionally. One is very ambitious, career oriented, and while I consider her a friend at work, I sometimes get the feeling she would stab anyone in the back to climb the corporate ladder. She has a 3 year old in day care “pre school,” and she and her husband want another. Hubby is on swing shifts, but dd doesn’t stay home with Daddy when he is off on days. She commented to me that she “doesn’t believe in the barefoot and pregnant cr*p. I am going to be my own woman.” I didn’t think it was the right time to tell her I eventually planned to be my own woman by quitting my job to stay at home with any little ones that may soon be on the way… She also told DH that she was going to take her last week of vacation left when he was working, so she could have the house all to herself. How sad for her that she has such a selfish attitude!
The other woman has two sons at home. She works hard at work, but doesn’t hesitate to leave a little early or come in a tad late or even take a vacation day when the kids are sick or have something special going on. She loses out on long vacations because she eats up her vacation days with these unplanned random days, but to her it’s worth it. She has divorced and remarried her husband, who is arguably abusive (now I haven’t heard his side of the story, obviously). Their future together is rather clouded, so she has to maintain her job to make sure her kids are provided for in case he takes off again. When talking about another male coworker’s wife and children she commented, “Now SHE works!” and all of the crusty men in the control room agreed. I call them crusty affectionately, by the way.
This juxtaposition perfectly illustrates the difference between women who work because they must and women who work because they want to.

 

[maryjk]

carol marie:

If you MUST work to help support your family I feel sorry for you. If you work because you WANT to… I feel sorry for your kids.

:clapping: :clapping: :clapping:

Thank you, I didn’t even have to post to have my thoughts on this thread, you did it for me.
I am a SAHM and I homeschool.

 

[st_ignatius110]

The fact of the matter is that women are just biologically wired for motherhood, and men are not naturally Mr. Mom. This is certainly a sacrifice on the part of both parents. Too many people use their professional skills or their desire for a comfortable lifestyle from 2 incomes as an excuse to abandon their children at daycare each day. I don’t doubt that they love their families, that they’re competent and an asset in the workplace, and that they work just as hard as anyone else when they get home, but I still think it is bad for the kids. It seems that research would tend to support my position.

I fully agree it is best for the mom to stay home…IF THAT IS POSSIBLE!!! I would love to stay home with my daughter…but guess what…I can’t.My husband stays home and takes care of our daughter because at this point in our lives he cannot make enough money for us to even survive…but I can. I have resolved that yes…God has called me to the vocation of motherhood…but He has also asked me to sacrifice my desires to stay home so that my family can survive. Again, let me stress the word survive…I am not talking about having two cars and a giant house…we can barely pay the bills as it is in a tiny two bedroom house and one vehicle.

For those who make comments that fathers are just not as good as moms staying home…thats a load of bull. My husband has done an awesome job with our daughter. Yes, it was difficult at first…but he is an awesome dad and would not trade his experience for anything.

To ANYONE who says that I am a worse mom because I work outside the home…please…send me the extra 500 dollars a month that I need to pay the bills…and my husband and I will HAPPILY trade places.

Quit judging…this is to everyone here who has made the comment or seemed to insinuate that working moms are no good…thank God you get the blessing of staying home with your babies…and quit judging those of us who have no choice. My daughter is not any worse then if I had stayed home. She is smart,intelligent and has an awesome relationship with my husband and I. I will do ANYTHING for my family…and that includes sacrificing the blessing of staying home.

 

[st_ignatius110]

If you MUST work to help support your family I feel sorry for you.

Please, don’t! Why should you feel sorry for me when God’s will is being accomplished? I cannot stand it when people say this…don’t feel sorry for me. Pray that God gives me the strength to offer up my sacrifice.

 

[carol_marie]

st_ignatius110:

I fully agree it is best for the mom to stay home…IF THAT IS POSSIBLE!!! I would love to stay home with my daughter…but guess what…I can’t.My husband stays home and takes care of our daughter because at this point in our lives he cannot make enough money for us to even survive…but I can. I have resolved that yes…God has called me to the vocation of motherhood…but He has also asked me to sacrifice my desires to stay home so that my family can survive. Again, let me stress the word survive…I am not talking about having two cars and a giant house…we can barely pay the bills as it is in a tiny two bedroom house and one vehicle.

For those who make comments that fathers are just not as good as moms staying home…thats a load of bull. My husband has done an awesome job with our daughter. Yes, it was difficult at first…but he is an awesome dad and would not trade his experience for anything.

To ANYONE who says that I am a worse mom because I work outside the home…please…send me the extra 500 dollars a month that I need to pay the bills…and my husband and I will HAPPILY trade places.

Quit judging…this is to everyone here who has made the comment or seemed to insinuate that working moms are no good…thank God you get the blessing of staying home with your babies…and quit judging those of us who have no choice. My daughter is not any worse then if I had stayed home. She is smart,intelligent and has an awesome relationship with my husband and I. I will do ANYTHING for my family…and that includes sacrificing the blessing of staying home.

No one is judging anyone who has no choice but to go to work to help support her family. If you read through all the posts you will see that this was already covered by Michelle in KC who also works to support her family while her husband cares for the children.

And regarding me feeling sorry for you… you said yourself that you would LOVE to be able to stay home with your daughter… that you are sacrificing the blessing of staying home. I agree… it is a sacrifice you are making and I am sorry you have to do that.

 

[jenmom]

Hi, Ladies! I agree with most of what many of you have said about at least one parent staying home when possible with the children. I realize there are those who make a neccessity out of a want AND that there are those for whom working is TRULY a neccessity.

For several years I worked evenings while my husband worked days so one of us could be with the children - that was VERY tiring and didn’t leave us much time together. Now my husband works during the week and I work Saturdays - which works since my job is relatively high paying.

However, our goal is for BOTH of us to be home with the children in the very near future. What a blessings to work together as a family!!! We expect it to be difficult and we definately will not be able to have all the things we might want but we expect to amke up many times over with the family bonds we will build!

Some one earlier was talking about the 1940’s - truly a happier time than now! - but think back even further - once upon a time (like before the industrial revolution) families worked together as a matter of course - what a blessing to return to THAT time!

God bless you all as you fulfill your vocations!!!

+JMJ+
jen

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

st_ignatius110:

I fully agree it is best for the mom to stay home…IF THAT IS POSSIBLE!!! I would love to stay home with my daughter…but guess what…I can’t.My husband stays home and takes care of our daughter.

Quit judging…this is to everyone here who has made the comment or seemed to insinuate that working moms are no good…

I am sorry you are taking this thread personally… I know that I, for one, have never implied that working moms are no good.

My general beliefs are that children should be raised by their parents. Who stays home and who goes out to work is a decision that needs to be made by each family.

Tell me, what are your feelings of a mother who goes to work because she WANTS to (for whatever reason) and happily drops her child off at daycare so she can have “a life” when you are busting your butt because you have to but would happily stay home if your circumstances allowed?

I think you will see that we are on the same page.

You are making a huge sacrifice for the good of your family and you and your husband are working together to raise your kids. I am sorry that your circumstances do not allow you the choice to stay home. Would you mind if I prayed for you to get that opportunity?

Malia

 

[st_ignatius110]

No one is judging anyone who has no choice but to go to work to help support her family. If you read through all the posts you will see that this was already covered by Michelle in KC who also works to support her family while her husband cares for the children.

LOL…no…I did not read through all the posts…I have a two year old who not allow me to read two hours of posts…I think from what I have gathered everyone will understand that. Glad it was covered.

And regarding me feeling sorry for you… you said yourself that you would LOVE to be able to stay home with your daughter… that you are sacrificing the blessing of staying home. I agree… it is a sacrifice you are making and I am sorry you have to do that.

Never be sorry someone has to make a sacrifice. This is the calling of a Christian and our duty as Christians. It is what we are to embrace and yes, even long for.

 

[st_ignatius110]

Tell me, what are your feelings of a mother who goes to work because she WANTS to (for whatever reason) and happily drops her child off at daycare so she can have “a life” when you are busting your butt because you have to but would happily stay home if your circumstances allowed?

I think you will see that we are on the same page.

No, I don’t agree that a mother should drop her children off at daycare only because she WANTS to. But, to be honest, I personally don’t know many who do that. I know they are out there, but not alot in my neighborhood. But, I don’t think this makes her a bad mom…or a worthless mom.,…or not a very good mom. I think alot of these women may think they have to work…when they don’t…there are so many reasons surrounding it that I cannot make a comment as to what type of mother “they” are.

You are making a huge sacrifice for the good of your family and you and your husband are working together to raise your kids. I am sorry that your circumstances do not allow you the choice to stay home. Would you mind if I prayed for you to get that opportunity?

**Yes,of course you can pray. What I would like you to pray is that God’s will be accomplished no matter what. **

Also, I think conversations like this are a product of the feminist movement. Women tried so hard to get into the work place and have the same “privileges” as men. I.e. work 80 hour work weeks away home…die young of heartattacks…if men wanted it we did too!! How crazy! The very people feminists claimed to despise…they tried/and still try so hard to be like. Women fought to get into the work place and we are not fighting to be able to stay home.

 

[_Jenn]

Anthony's Mom:

Except that you are not home 100% of the time.

But so what. Of all the posts that I have just read, you have made me so angry that I’ve rewritten this sentence 6 times and still can’t express it. You have the same amount of parenting experience that I have and you have made similar choices that I have and yet I can’t believe that you would insult all of the devoted, sacrificial, and hard WORKING women out there who have dedicated their lives to raising their children and who have found it difficult to do by your assertion that it “isn’t the hardest job”. It’s not insulting to me because, unlike you, I recognize that I haven’t even begun to parent yet - this is the easy part, but I’ll tell you, my blood is boiling, absolutely boiling, to think that you would call into question the millions of women who find this hard to do.

So, it’s easy for you…whoopdeedoo! Were you that girl in school who went around saying that the test that half the class just failed was a piece of cake and you didn’t even study for it? Because that is what you sounded like in your last two posts on this thread. And this, coming from a women who has ONE toddler. How insulting.

If you paid any bit of attention to any of my posts, I clarified that for me, I don’t consider it a job, and it has nothing to do with how much parenting I’ve done. It’s how I view mother/fatherhood. I never said I recognize that I “haven’t begun to parent yet” although I’m sorry, but no matter how many kids you have, it’s different for everyone. Would you say the same to a mother of an only who is a special needs child, just because she only has one? Of course not. And I didn’t insult anyone - some women find it hard to sah, some don’t. Some find it hard to work and be a mom, some don’t. Like I have said before, in the end, we are all moms who (hopefully) love our children. And that, in the grand scheme of life, is the top thing that matters. So if you’re insulted by me, then that is your choice to let it get to you. I’m not here to sling mud with people. Nor do I worry about what others on a message board think of me - I don’t have time for that. So with that, I will be done with this thread, and continue along my happy outlook on life as I have done before.

 

[jman507]

Karin:

It is not a question of have to or not have to…what it comes down to is that companies that pay a decent wage (one to live on and save for retirement) and provide benefits are not family friendly…well for that matter the food service industrey as a whole is not family friendly

If it is that case then you have to work those hours. It would be a whole other thing if you didn’t have to work those long hours and you still did. If your husband is working long hours to provide for the family, there is nothing to feel bad about. On the other hand, if one is spending more time at work for say the hope to have a better car while you already have a decent one, that I think is a problem. Or you also have the problem of people working for an escape, thats a problem too.

 

[kaymart]

Ladies, please relax, as I stated in post #42, it doesn’t matter if you WORK at a job or WORK as a SAHM, it’s how you handle it. God did not create “cookie cutter” models of Mother’s. Each mother must consider her situation and decide what is right for her family.:yup: Now about me, not here no one on the CAF but in the “real world” I have been met with remarks about myself, I am a 49 year old mother of 3 and SAHM, 2 of my 3 children are grown, ages 27 and 21(almost). My youngest, age 17, is very handicap, he has severe Autism, mute, mentally retarded, seizures and needs daily care with everything from his bathing, dressing, shaving, give his meds,constant supervision, feeding assistance, and deal with his out of nowhere violent outbrusts. I have been told “I am lazy and using this kid so I can stay home”, I been told “can’t you get a job while he’s in school” also my favorite “Why can’t you just stick him in a home so you don’'t waste your LPN training” I almost followed their “advice” several times in the begining, But tell me who will give me a job that is tailored around his school schedule? (That includes unexpected snowdays, he’s sick or has violent outburst or seizure) None of these “people” ever offer to help me ever. I can’t do much housework when he’s home. I have to watch him constantly. As far as “wasting” my training as an LPN what the heck do they think a nurse does? That decision to go to vocational school years before he was born was what help me deal and understand him. As far as putting him away, so I can work, No Way! May be, I might when he gets older and I start to be unable to care everyday for him, I’ll either get “home help” or a decent group home, but while I am strong and healthly enough I will care for my own child. What I am getting at it is ridiculous that we as Mother’s have to defend our decision of what we do for our Families. What is sadder is the ones that feel they have the right to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Also all you SAHD’s :tiphat:. Don’t ever feel you have to defend your choice either.

 

[AmberDale]

kaymart:

Ladies, please relax, as I stated in post #42, it doesn’t matter if you WORK at a job or WORK as a SAHM, it’s how you handle it. God did not create “cookie cutter” models of Mother’s. Each mother must consider her situation and decide what is right for her family.:yup: Now about me, not here no one on the CAF but in the “real world” I have been met with remarks about myself, I am a 49 year old mother of 3 and SAHM, 2 of my 3 children are grown, ages 27 and 21(almost). My youngest, age 17, is very handicap, he has severe Autism, mute, mentally retarded, seizures and needs daily care with everything from his bathing, dressing, shaving, give his meds,constant supervision, feeding assistance, and deal with his out of nowhere violent outbrusts. I have been told “I am lazy and using this kid so I can stay home”, I been told “can’t you get a job while he’s in school” also my favorite “Why can’t you just stick him in a home so you don’'t waste your LPN training” I almost followed their “advice” several times in the begining, But tell me who will give me a job that is tailored around his school schedule? (That includes unexpected snowdays, he’s sick or has violent outburst or seizure) None of these “people” ever offer to help me ever. I can’t do much housework when he’s home. I have to watch him constantly. As far as “wasting” my training as an LPN what the heck do they think a nurse does? That decision to go to vocational school years before he was born was what help me deal and understand him. As far as putting him away, so I can work, No Way! May be, I might when he gets older and I start to be unable to care everyday for him, I’ll either get “home help” or a decent group home, but while I am strong and healthly enough I will care for my own child. What I am getting at it is ridiculous that we as Mother’s have to defend our decision of what we do for our Families. What is sadder is the ones that feel they have the right to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Also all you SAHD’s :tiphat:. Don’t ever feel you have to defend your choice either.

Kaymart-
I’m so happy you have chosen to care for and lover your son(s).
Autism is a hard thing to deal with. I wish more parents chose to care for their children/grown children. I work for a company that cares for MR/DD individuals. We have many people who spent all their lives in institutions because 40 years ago, parents didn’t want to ‘deal’ with them. The doctor’s told them it was the ‘best’ for that baby. Now these adults are trying to learn how to live in a real home, with roommates and people who truely care about them.
Some of these people have never met their ‘parents’. I think that is very sad. But back then they didn’t know better. Now though, in today’s day and age, I don’t think there is an excuse for locking your child out of your life.
One day a group setting may be the best for your son (when you can’t do it anymore) but now, he knows you love him.

Good job, and thanks for taking up God’s vocation for you.

 

[kaymart]

Thank you Amber, and God Bless You too. To work with people with disabilities is truly wonderful. I tell this to his teacher aide also, a working mom herself of two teens, she is caring for my son’s educational and personal needs for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. She is a God send. (she even thought him some “Religious” signs in sign Language(but don’t tell the Public School)

 

[MariaG]

I will censor my post except for 2 comments.

I am so thankful that God gave me the vocation of “susie homemaker” and not a “job”.

I pity those who have to belittle others to feel good about their decisions and I pity them even more if they fail to see how those two comment above are not belittling.

17 year SAHM.

 

[migurl]

Today’s society has painted an ill picture of women who have lot of kids. My mom got a pamphlet in the mail from our recylcling(Spelling??) company that said it takes like 500 yrs for diapers to degrade. I haven’t read it yet, but the way she explained it made it sound like they were complaing about how many diapers a child uses in their lifetimes.
Anyway, as far as staying home, read Sirach (Bible) it has good passages about how a wife should be. I don’t remember if it specifically says somethign about staying home. I am only 20, but having grown up with two working parents who have seperated multipole times and almost got diverce twice( 2 yrs in a row, waiting for the ink to dry!!!) My mom is always tired and stressed and I know that since she is my mother, I have her tendancies. So I know that I could not be the mother and wife I want to be AND be the kind of employee I would want to be known as.
And Jen, YOU CANNOT PUT 100% of yourself into work AND 100% into motherhood. WHY??? Time, there are 24 hours in a day, if you can’t spend that 24 hours eithr w/ your kids or shopping for things (food, cleaning stuff, clothes for kids etc.) then that isn’t 100%. Work requires concentration, dedication and sometimes a lot more. What happens when you have a bad day at work? No one ( exept a saint) can honestly say that a horrible day where everything goes wrong at work including traffic, doesn’t affecect them at home. You will be tired, you will be on edge, we are human, we can’t be patient all the time. Things get to us. What happens when you come home and are exhausted and little Johnny wants to play? Or he’s sick? Both things require attention and energy, that is why women who have to work and still manage to be there for their kids are so great, because they can do both, but even they will tell you that it is tireing (and rewarding). Staying home is the best hting for your kids, for your husband and for your nerves. But I know somepeople can’t, these women are on my prayer list, I pray that they always have the strength to do both things adn be happy and patient. God gives them graces to do both things, but if a woman has the option and abilty to stay home, she should. I thnk I could even argue that it is morally wrong to work if you don’t have to. Think about, it is putting your wnats before others, it can even be a case of greed( the example of women working to have their weekly manicures etc). Intent is a big part of it. I’m sure I’m going to get yelled at for this one!:tiphat:

 

[cklockner]

I have very strong feelings about this topic . . .
I am a SAHM and I plan to be until my kids are out of the house. We make huge sacrifices and struggle a lot financially and yet neither one of us have considered for a minute that I should go back to work.
I think it is God’s design for women to stay at home with their kids. I also don’t think it has anything to do with whether you like it or are satisfied or feel fullfilled. It’s about sacrifice.
If you add up the hours a mom who is working outside the home full time spends with her children (subtracting of course the time she and child are sleeping), you find that someone else spends more time with her kids than she does. If you are going to have someone else raise your kids, why even bother to have them?

This is of course referring to two parent families. As strong as I feel about this, I do recognize there are circumstances in which a mother has no choice.

 

[SeekerJen]

After reading this thread, I guess I’m a bit curious as to why Gianna Beretta Molla was canonized as a saint by Pope John Paul II. She was a working mother of three with her own medical practice. I’m not saying that all mothers should work, or all mothers shouldn’t, or anything really. I’m just curious about this saint and how she is viewed by the Church.

vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20040516_beretta-molla_en.html

And no, I don’t have an agenda. It’s looking as though biological motherhood for me is a moot point, anyway, and we don’t have the money to adopt. I’m in the “whatever works best for your individual family” camp.