Tell an Outrageous Lie about the Previous Poster, Vol. III

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(name removed by moderator) is actually a top secret Vatican spy, assigned by the Holy Father himself to observe and report the goings on at CAF. Word is, Vatican officials are none too pleased with the grumbling and in-fighting going on between posters on these forums. (name removed by moderator) (actually Monsignor (name removed by moderator)) was advised to assume a false identity and cover story so as not to arouse suspicion as he collects evidence for his report.
 
Finster “two toes” Limpwrist, Capo du tutti Capo of the homosexual mafia has put a contract out on Brother Gov. Price for the hit is a case of Hostess Ho Ho’s and a three day all expense paid trip to the Flatt and Scruggs museum in Branson, Missouri.
 
joeybaggz thought the motors on gas powered skate boards were too small so he tried hooking up a sbc (small block chev) to one. He has yet to find a board strong enough to support the motor.
 
One rainy day, Brother Gov decided to explore his cave…he’d gone back some two hundred yards or so when he discovered a natural spring…the coolest, most refreshing water he’d ever tasted…drinking that water was almost a spiritual experience…
“I can’t keep this for myself”, he thought…“I’ve got to share it with the world”…
He went to the old ‘Gunsmoke’ set, and borrowed a buckboard wagon and Ruth [very Biblical name], Festus’s mule, and then stopped at the local bottling plant and bought all the cheap plastic bottles he could carry…he filled them with the cave’s spring water, loaded them onto his wagon, put his Bible under the seat for good measure, and went out into the world to share his treasure…
In the first town he came to, he set up in a shopping center parking lot, and was almost totally ignored…a youngster, perhaps one of his second-graders, told him that he’d never attract anyone without a big sign…he went to the hardware store there, bought all he needed to make the sign, painted it, and attached it to his wagon…
The sign read “Brother Gov’s Travelling Salvation Show”, and he was sued by Neil Diamond before he could give away his first bottle of water…
 
With the fortune realized from the Neil Diamond lawsuit, Brother Gov, International Man of Mystery, spent some of it on Ancestry.com in an attempt to convince himself of his ancestral superiority to the posters he has encountered here, by finding each’s most famous relative… The results:
Boldlygo - Charlemagne
The Legend - Babe Ruth
christofirst - St. Maria Goretti
SuperLuigi - Michaelangelo
Joeybaggz - General George S. Patton
And finally The (name removed by moderator) - Jack the Ripper. (sure tells us a lot about the International Man of Mystery, huh?)
 
Joeybaggz was found to be under the influence of some sort of hallucinogen…on investigation, the FDA found that the ‘miracle spring water’ contained chemicals that are inert when cold, but at warmer temperatures combine to form said drug…
Brother Gov was thrown in ‘the slammer’, and his Abbot stopped in to remind him of his Oath of Truth…if he lies to get out of his predicament, he’ll lose his robe, and his tonsure will be made permanent with a blowtorch…
 
Well, at least we now know where the missing brown acid from Woodstock went. I have this strange desire to listen to Iron Butterfly’s Inna Godda da Vida over … and over … and over. …

boldlgo recently purchased two large tanks of acetylene and a new tip for a blowtorch, and has rented a small room near the "slammer’ now holding the International Man of Mystery.
 
joeybaggz watched the movie Star Wars 2,789 times, closely observing Old Ben Kenobi, trying to learn the ways of the Force, so he could use Jedi mind tricks on his wife.
Wife: How long has this trash been here?
joeybaggz, with a wave of his hand: This isn’t the trash you want me to take out.
Wife: This isn’t the trash I want you to take out.
joeybaggz: I’m free to go play video games.
Wife: You’re free to go play video games.
 
joeybaggz used his Jedi mind tricks on christofirst and his dog, Skeezix…now, Skeezix walks upright, and christofirst plods along on all fours, at the end of a leash…[I won’t go into what happens when they see a fire hydrant…]…
 
boldygo’s most used,and his favorite, golf club is the sand wedge. He even uses it to putt with.
 
(name removed by moderator) and his family, on a routine expedition, met the greatest earthquake ever known. High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft, and plunged them down a thousand feet below… to the Land of the Lost! There they met the Sleestak, aka joeybaggz and TheLegend, and Chaka, aka boldlygo.
 
(name removed by moderator) is a pool hall hustler who uses a crudely shaped magical stick to shark unsuspecting suckers out of their cash
 
[As everyone knows, The Legend is an 8-foot-tall, 450 lb sasquatch…]

When the second-graders learned that their beloved Brother Gov was in jail, [see #76] they were first elated that he was alive, and then outraged that he had been locked up…they commandeered a school bus [and driver], and visited the judge who had sentenced him…they told him about Brother Gov’s miraculous reappearance after having been eaten by a bear, and then asked if the judge would be the ref for their marathon dodgeball games…
The judge was up for reelection, and didn’t want a confrontation with these adorable children on the front page, so he released Brother Gov in their custody…
Much to the dismay of the bus driver, Brother Gov led everyone in a rousing rendition of ‘99 bottles of pop on the wall’ all the way home…
 
Strange happenings…hmmmmm…

Brother Gov was so overjoyed to regain his freedom that he had the bus driver stop at the local pizzeria on the way home - his treat! The screaming rugrats knew exactly what they wanted - the new taste treat that their parents wouldn’t let them try…Brother Gov said ‘Bring it on!’, and twenty minutes later, the tables were covered with the new taste treat - booger pizza…
All the second-graders got sick on the spot [actually, on the floor…], but Brother Gov thought it was the best pizza he’d ever had…after he dropped off the kids [and the very relieved bus driver], he returned to the abbey, and , ever since, has been trying to talk the cook into making booger pizza…
 
Boldlygo got bored of telling ‘outrageous lies’ while using his own account. So he asked (name removed by moderator) if he wanted to swap account passwords so that each lie would be even more outrageous. (name removed by moderator) agreed and immediately started spreading lies and rumors about himself. Alas, the burden of taking on Boldlygo’s persona has been too much for (name removed by moderator), as it would be for even the most highly trained liar.
 
1Lord1Faith has opened a new business in town. It is an eatery for pregnant women to satisfy their unusual cravings. The menu masterpiece created by 1Lord is a banana split made with coffee ice cream, pistachio ice cream, and lemon sherbert topped with hot fudge, pineapple sauce, mustard, anchovies, jalapeno peppers and guacamole with a crabapple garnish… The masterpiece sells for $6.95 and 1Lord intends to retire to Tahiti with the profits from the first year in business.
 
.
sherbert???

Joeybaggzzzzz got a job at said eatery…he realized that time could be saved if the tremendski banana split could be made ahead, since it’s so labor intensive…he started his own assembly-line, and made two dozen of them…unfortunately, he fell asleep before he could get them off the table, everything melted, and the kitchen floor was a swamp just as the Health Department arrived for their surprise annual inspection…
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What the game has colours!! Remember playing this on the old green screened Apple computers at school way back in the days.
 
Speaking of diarrhea, Brother Gov, the International Man of Mystery, has been signed to star in the next film in the James Bond series. Playing the son of the original Bond, Brother Gov, known as 003.5 takes on the fiendish and shadowy Goldlygo whose plot to poison the water of the United States with extract of ex-lax and then corner the toilet paper market to make himself outrageously wealthy and rule the country has already been put in motion. Chaos is averted by 003.5 and his Bond girl, Vomiteria (played by Roseann Barr) in a climactic battle with Goldlygo and his henchman, the silent but deadly, Trots (played by Chris Rock) in the ladies restroom stalls at the Wal-Mart in Kankakee, Illinois.

Look for it coming to a theater near you!
 
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