I have some ideas…
First of all, Seminole Girl says hubby is very passive-aggressive. I am a past master of the art. It is NOT a good thing.
Example: When I was living at home, my mother would ask me to do the dishes, and I’d say, “OK.” I’d continue doing what I was doing. She’d say later, “Are you going to do the dishes?” I’d say, “yes.” This scene would be repeated, with her becoming more and more annoyed, until she’d go into the kitchen and do the dishes, with lots of slamming and banging to let me know how mad she was.
Guess who didn’t have to do the dishes?
Funny thing is, the few times she didn’t get all irritated at me for not doing them on her schedule, I went ahead and did them.
So, SG has my sympathy.
I’ve had two thoughts about your situation, SG. Of course, I’m not there, so feel free to disregard me!
First, you lived with roommates, and gained valuable experience in sharing your living space. Has he? … My hubby moved into my house, that I worked for and bought. I was amazed at how long it took me to think of the house as “ours.” Three years - and I was trying to. And if your hubby has worked from home for quite a while, that could give him even more “territorial” feelings. (Which could explain why he broke down the door - he was locked out of HIS house -and then just went to bed. Not that I think he was right to do it/)
In that case, you could tell him something like “I feel frustrated, because I expected to share your life, and I feel like you won’t even share your house.”
Second, about the porn. Most posters seem to think your hubby is addicted to it. Maybe not. He may have been using it to “help” him keep from pestering you about pre-marital sex, in which case it would be, though sinful, intended to be loving. Or… being passive-aggressive, I can see him thinking “she won’t give me any; I’ll show her!” In either case, he might easily have given it up when you were married.
As I said before - this is all theory. I wasn’t there!
It’s possible that you may have confronted him about it, sounding like you believed he preferred it to you, when he actually didn’t. Or, sounding as if you thought it was a permanent offense, when he meant well. A typical passive-aggressive thought would be, “FINE. Think what you want.” Which can lead to, “If I’ve been wrongfully convicted of it, I might as well go ahead and do it.” (That last is how I got started using illegal drugs.)
One thing about passive-aggressive people - we are the most stubborn, hard-headed folks you will meet. We just hide it well.
Some general advice about dealing with the passive-aggressive: Ask once. Don’t nag. Be gently stubborn yourself - don’t do whatever it was you asked him to, even if it makes you nuts. (Like my mother and the dishes - she never learned!)
Yelling and screaming will not work. It will either be tuned out, or more likely he will go somewhere else, like into “his” room and shut the door, or out driving. If he can’t get away, he will lie to you to get you to shut up. (I have done all of these.)
So don’t yell. Stay calm. Try to be logical.
Now some general, how-to-be-married advice. Thank him for every nice thing he does, even when it’s something he should do. Do it a lot, don’t slack off. It’s a great habit to get in to. When he thanks you, say “You’re welcome,” with a loving look. Maybe a smooch. Or say, “Oh, I only did it 'cause I love you.” My sweetie thanks me for cooking dinner, and I thank him for putting out the trash.
Second, when there is a disagreement, sit down and think it over, and see how much of it is your fault. Even if it’s 99.999 per cent his fault, apologize for your part of it, and lay off about his part.
That may seem like wimpy, servile advice - but it’s not. For one thing, it gives you the moral high ground. Stick to it stubbornly! We passive-aggressives don’t like to be out-stubborned! It gives him something to strive for.
Good luck. I’ll pray for you.
Just imagine all the fun you’re gonna have, and we can sit back and admire you for it at the same time.
