The Decline of Obituaries and Funeral Services

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We buried my father’s ashes . He asked to be cremated. He was not a religious man so instead of a funeral we had a gathering of any of his friends who wanted to come and relatives like wise. People told me after it meant more to them than sitting in a pew in a funeral home. I agree.
I have asked to be cremated and a funeral if it can be afforded. I also asked to be buried at the same cemetery as my parents. It is an old country graveyard in the middle of a wheat field. I hope they all have lunch after the service and laugh about things I did.
 
I am really sorry for your loss.

I recently had two deaths in my family, a few months apart. I learned a lot about the living and the dead, as a result. I have a huge family. There is a strong undercurrent of Catholics, and then everything from atheist to Hindu and a lot in between.

As an agnostic, I believe funerals are for the living. As a result, whatever brings comfort to the living, I am OK with. Of course, it goes without saying (for me at least) that if the deceased person had a preference of how things are to be handled, then those arrangements or requests are honored. As a result, there are times where a memorial, at a later date, is held. Family gathers, and it is more of a celebration. We have it a couple of months following the death for two reasons. More people can plan to come, and the initial sadness has passed so it truly is a happy event. We wear bright colors and play lots of music and, of course, have an open bar 🙂

We also have Catholic funerals from time to time. Those are fine with me, too. We always have a reception or luncheon afterwards.

I guess we live in a time with a lot of diversity of beliefs when it comes to handling death. I will say with pride that we, as a family, always work it out. Needs are met. Prayers are said and stories are told. I think the key is being flexible and being respectful of the religious beliefs of all that are involved.
 
In my family (in Texas) we’ve always had a showing with rosary the night before and a full funeral the next day with a reception at a house afterwards with catered food usually

In my wife’s family, the same thing, with a reception at a restaurant.

My cousin who died last year had an online memorial website instead of a newspaper obituary and “service” at the funeral home with readings. He was never baptized. A priest came and gave a homily, which was very nice.
 
I had an Aunt that died, and her son I suppose was the black sheep of the family. He, her only child, had her cremated, bought an urn, and put her on the mantle. Everyone was pretty unhappy about it.

My little sister called him up and chewed him out about it. [for better or worse] and we have not heard from him since. Sad all the way around.

I only have a few wishes for myself. Burial in the ground in a wooden box. Catholic service, consecrated ground. The rest is up to my survivors.
 
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I am sorry for your loss

Have some Masses said for your grandfather. And work towards a few indulgences for him.
Are his ashes interred, if so can you get a blessing over your grandfathers final resting spot.
Go to the family gathering, get up and say a few prayers.

I recently had a loss in the family. Her children dictated what happened at the memorial, I stood my ground regarding her ashes being interred though. At the end of the day the lovely Anglican minister who conducted the prayer service supported this and guided her children through this. Yes she is Catholic , however she wanted him to do her service.

There was only one notice, in the papers. Lots more over social media. It is expensive here to place adds in the paper.

One more thing, people should think seriously about getting funeral insurance and dictating what they want in their will.
 
Padres1969 said:
My other grandparents, who were also nominally Catholic, were both cremated but didn’t have a wake, funeral, or burial. They’re still on a shelf at my aunt’s house. No obit was run for either beyond those automatic ones the funeral homes put online with the birth and death dates. We often joke it’s like they’re still alive and we’ve just not visited in a long while as there’s been little acknowledgement of their death.
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Will they be interred eventually?
 
You can have a Mass said, and pray, for the repose of your grandparents’ souls. Why not take the initiative in organizing a memorial service for your grandparents? Have it with whomever shows up. Prayers before and afterwards if some are too hostile to public prayer. You cannot control the actions of others, but you can set a good Christian example.
Mormon, then Catholic, then Mormon and then Seventh Day Adventist
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That is quite a journey back and forth, isn’t it? Regardless of whatever confusion she experienced in her lifetime, that is in the past, and she still needs prayers now.
 
At this point I have no idea beyond that something will naturally have to be done with them when my aunt passes away some day… 🤷‍♂️

I’ve made several suggestions including that they can be interred at no cost to the family at the national cemetery on Cape Cod (a favorite place of theirs) due to granddad’s veteran status. But that was met with silence from my aunt and dad. She seems quite content that they sit on her shelf indefinitely, other than occasionally offering family members small portions of their ashes (which no one has taken her up on). My grandmother would be mortified Id think as she was a “keeping up appearances” Catholic who would have wanted things done properly even if she wasn’t a regular churchgoer in life.

I continue to bring up the issue on occasion but nothing has changed in the nearly 5 years they’ve been gone.
 
Obituaries can be expensive, too. I just had my husband’s printed in the two small local papers. The paper for the city nearby wanted $800.00.
 
The local papers were something like that. AND they took notices around and put them up at local businesses, post offices, etc. I think they charged a whole $15 extra for that.
 
I remember my dad would read the obits every day and would catch wind of old friend’s family members passing and would then show his respects. Now people find out through Facebook and write a two second post.
 
My father, who was a public figure where he lived was 600, mom was 500. It is outrageous.
 
It used to be that newspapers published obits simply as news items about recent deaths. Then people started writing their own obits for their deceased relatives; those tended to be more lengthy and the newspapers charged for them. I’ve noticed in the personalized obituaries though, that hardly anyone, dies anymore. They pass away or go to be with the Lord, or enter into heaven, but hardly anyone dies.
 
I’ve been to memorial events like that, but they were all for non-religious people.
 
DeniseNY said:
We always have a Panachida in our family.
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Do you have the Parastas service as well?

My father has terminal cancer so we’ve been talking about this a lot. Our priest was telling us the last week that, in the Old Country, the Parastas service is held in the family home. A procession to the cemetery follows and the Panachida is prayed there. Apparently, it is technically illegal now, but the villagers ignore it and do what they have always done.

In answer to the original question, I have noticed that more and more families are opting for a celebration of life rather than a traditional funeral. I have seen this in the nominally Protestant/non-religious side of my family. The Catholic branches of my family, both Roman and Byzantine, continue to have either a funeral Mass, a memorial Mass, or a parastas and Panachida.

My grandmother and her brother both died last year. Neither had a funeral. It was just a big party and I really felt deprived of the opportunity to grieve with my family. We did have a Panachida for my grandmother at our church, but none of the family came because it was not relevant to them.
 
My Protestant grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. My dad and his siblings had her cremated, but yesterday we buried her ashes next to her husband’s remains in a very remote, rural (Protestant) cemetery. My brother dug a hole. As simple as that.
The funeral home still charged $3000 for the simple cremation with literally no additional services provided. A simple funeral was celebrated at a local church she had long attended. I’ve arranged to have Masses said for her- as the only Catholic in the family.
 
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