This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

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If your husband was physically ill would you stay with him? Being addicted is a problem that will need your love and support.

Writing letters that suggest sex with a 15 year old isn’t an addiction, it’s called a PREDATOR.
 
Four sexually suggestive letters, to a minor, doesn’t raise red flags for you?
Well yeah, duh! But it doesn’t mean you start packing bags right away.
Since this has been a problem for the past 5 years - to the extent that he has not been able to secure and maintain gainful employment, and the scandal which followed - that is a grave psychological risk to the children.
Good grief! Breaking up a marriage is an even greater psychological risk.

I’m not saying that separation isn’t a last resort possibility. But since this has just come to light to us, why is it one of the first suggestions we make? Yes it’s been going on for many years, but how long has Sparkle been trying to do something about it? And has Sparkle exhausted all her possibilities?
 
…Other than most rational people would recognize it as a danger to their children.
Thank you very much, it’s nice to know that you don’t consider me with the ranks of rational people.
 
Black Jaque, you are, probably, rational. I am surprised you don’t see a danger sign in an adult male writing sexually explicit notes to a teenager.

As for the “porn addiction” thing. Porn is looking at pictures, movies, etc and masterbation…it’s not harassing a girl who happens to be your student.
:mad:
 
**YinYangMom has given you good advice. **

The Catholic Church does not forbid divorce, only remarriage after a divorce (if there has been no annulment).

Believe me…Keeping a marriage together “for the sake of the kids” isn’t always the best thing FOR the kids…They deserve a stable and loving home. No child should be made to live in circumstances that are destructive and chaotic…

It really is best…legally, at least…for HIM to be the one to leave the home…DO NOT PACK HIS CLOTHES UP AND PUT THEM ON THE PORCH OR STEPS…This will put you in a bad place legally speaking. But…do insist that he leave while you are going through all of this…It may be the only way to bring some kind of peace to your home…

**Please contact someone from Al-Anon…The women you will meet there will be a wonderful support for you…There may be a group for spouses or family members of those addicted to sex and/or porn. The meetings are free, and totally confidential…There are also groups for kids whose parents have alcohol or sex related problems. **

**The main thing is to make yourself and your kids safe and to get into a situation where there is not constant turmoil…The kids especially need this. **

**We will all keep you and your family in our prayers. **


 
Sparkle, stop living in denial…you say the guy never touched the girl. Guess what? Where there is smoke there is fire.
 
It seems that the women think this man is a big risk to his children and are encouraging the hard line. “He does not deserve respect so give him the boot and protect your children.” I firmly believe that this man has just as much responsibility to his children as sparkle does.

He screwed up big time but that does not mean he is a predator. Why do we have to equate writing letters to some young women with child endangerment. Let’s not forget that our Blessed Mother was probably only 14 or 15 at the Annunciation. You all must admit that many teenagers act and dress very provocatively and these days young women develop very early. I say this not in defense but to point out that this does not appear to automatically equate to child abuse, endangerment, or being a predator. We simply do not have the facts to jump to any judgements.

Unless there is some evidence this man has done something against his children there is no reason to ask him to leave because of this incident. We should not assume facts that are not in evidence.

My adive to sparkle is to fine a trustworthy man (ideally a priest) to advise her.
 
I am surprised you don’t see a danger sign in an adult male writing sexually explicit notes to a teenager.
I do see a danger sign. But I don’t yet see that the wife and children are the ones in immediate danger.

Maybe, as an adult male I can see a black-and-white line between how one treats others, and how one treats his own family. As a normal guy, I do have to practice a discipline to keep “custody of my eyes” (I’m talking in the normal, every-day-guy sense). However, I can’t imagine having to practice that same discipline with my own daughters. It just seems that the thoughts and temptations don’t exist.

**
Believe me…Keeping a marriage together “for the sake of the kids” isn’t always the best thing FOR the kids…They deserve a stable and loving home. No child should be made to live in circumstances that are destructive and chaotic…
Wow, you can justify separating over just about anything with this advice.

**
It really is best…legally, at least…for HIM to be the one to leave the home…DO NOT PACK HIS CLOTHES UP AND PUT THEM ON THE PORCH OR STEPS…This will put you in a bad place legally speaking. But…do insist that he leave while you are going through all of this…It may be the only way to bring some kind of peace to your home…
**

Yep this is good advice. Do what is legally best for you. Make sure you don’t goof up because you could get more money out of him if you do it this way. And after all that’s all men are good for anyway…:rolleyes:
**
 
Sparkle, stop living in denial…you say the guy never touched the girl. Guess what? Where there is smoke there is fire.
Man alive Lily! I can just see you with an uzi, shootin’ from the hip, shoot first, ask questions later, sprayin’ lead all over, laying waste to friend and foe alike.😃
 
Teen children bring home other teens, I’d think the mothers of the neighborhood would not really want their daughters visiting the home where a dad lives who has this sort of untreated problem. I’m a bit shocked that the school/parents did not make this public. 4 letters, that sure looks like more than a one time mistake.

Sure, girls married at 15 a long time ago or in other parts of the world. We have different boudries here and now.

So sad, and much prayer is needed!
 
Sparkle, I can’t say much except that I will pray for you. I think you are a stronger woman than I, and it’s wonderful that you want to do what’s best for your marriage and family. I think though that I may have to agree with the women on this board and say, you need some peace. Separation may not be a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to be forever. Or, maybe it will be. You need to do what’s best for you and your kids. Protecting them is what’s most important. Some may say that separation is hard on kids but I guarantee you that they feel the stress and unhappiness in your household. When parents are happy, kids are happy. And, it may just motivate you husband, if he sees you making a decision, to get moving and be the provider you need him to be. Sorta like tough love.

I want you to know I will pray for you. It’s a very tough situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Hang in there and keep us updated…
 
C S P B:
It seems that the women think this man is a big risk to his children and are encouraging the hard line. “He does not deserve respect so give him the boot and protect your children.” I firmly believe that this man has just as much responsibility to his children as sparkle does.

He screwed up big time but that does not mean he is a predator. Why do we have to equate writing letters to some young women with child endangerment. Let’s not forget that our Blessed Mother was probably only 14 or 15 at the Annunciation. You all must admit that many teenagers act and dress very provocatively and these days young women develop very early. I say this not in defense but to point out that this does not appear to automatically equate to child abuse, endangerment, or being a predator. We simply do not have the facts to jump to any judgements.

Unless there is some evidence this man has done something against his children there is no reason to ask him to leave because of this incident. We should not assume facts that are not in evidence.

My adive to sparkle is to fine a trustworthy man (ideally a priest) to advise her.
I don’t think that it should matter how “provacatively” this girl dressed! She’s a child. He’s a grown, married man with kids. That’s wrong. And writing 4 explicit letters to a minor IS abuse, and harassment, in my opinion. What else could it be? Romance? I don’t think so.
 
Man alive Lily! I can just see you with an uzi, shootin’ from the hip, shoot first, ask questions later, sprayin’ lead all over, laying waste to friend and foe alike.

Sorry Black Jaque. :whacky: I just think of my own daughter and smoke starts coming out of my ears!! She’s still in grade school.
 
Hi Friends:

Wow–thanks so much for all your responses. My heart is really touched by all your caring. I would like to tell you my husband is by no means a “predator”. Yes, he had one bad case of poor, poor judgment here, and yes, he has roaming eyes, which continue to make me totally and completely sick, after years of marriage, I hate it, am disgusted by it, to say the least. Wherever we go, he strains his head looking at all the scantily clad teens, whether it be at Costco, Target, or on the street. Yes, it is totally disgusting. He is a grown man, why should he do this? But, I do consider it a sickness of his, along with his porn addiction, and as many of you might recall in your marriage vows too, we did say “in sickness and health”, “for richer or poorer” when we married our spouses. None of us imagined it would be the sickess or the poorer, did we? I sure didn’t. We nevertheless do have a marriage, 3 kids, a past, a life, and shoving him out would not, I believe really solve anything. Afterall, since he’s unemployed, how would we eat? After a while all our utilities would be shut off, cuz he would not pay them, this would be very bad.

As you all know this story now, phewww-------you know what I have been thru since this happened. For 17 years, he has had a porn addiction, now for the past 5, since this “letter writing” saga. My Lord, how much more can a wife take? I have been worn down to a pulp, and needless to say, I cannot respect him very much anymore. I still feel there is a lot of pain I haven’t dealt with, such as feelings of betrayal, even though there was no adultery, per say, can anyone understand how it sure feels like it to me?

Lilly, thanks friend. I know where you’re coming from. You’re probably a very competent business woman with a good income. Not all of us are like you. If I was, maybe I would have kicked him out a long time ago. I used to be this way, before I had children. Now, I suppose I’ve gotten more dependent financially on my husband. This is good and bad I suppose.

Yes, I’ve never spoken to a priest about it. Think I’ll make an appt. for us to see one. The marriage counselor I mentioned, the yuccy man, just sort of pushed it under the rug. No help really.

I know it needs to be dealt with. I have lost trust. We recently got DirectTV with so many stations. Had to lock alot of them, so he wouldn’t be sneaking late nite TV while I’m in bed. I don’t trust him at all. This is what he’s done before. I wake up to go to the bathroom, to find him viewing a nasty film. Ycch. It disgusts me. How can I ever respect a man like this, ever again? God help me endure. St. Rita, thanks to Fritz, has really helped me endure. I can’t wait until my kids are out of the house, cuz then, I just might move away to Europe. Who wants to come with me?

I just do not want to be another case of divorce, for one reason or another. There can always be some reason for divorce can’t there? I pray, you all pray too, that with God’s help, He will make something good come of all this. We are the only family still together within miles of our neighborhood. All the neighbor kids hang out here. I love being a family where kids can gather. I pray for my hubby’s conversion and feel all his problems are due to his lack of spiritual core. All I can do is be a sower like last week’s Scripture said, and leave the harvest to God, our Lord.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am a stronger Catholic because of you all.

🙂

You guys are great. Thanks so much.
 
Sparkle,
I think you must be the most incredible woman. You are going through hell, and you take the name “Sparkle”!!! You have a beautiful spirit. I am praying for you.

James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough addresses extremely difficult situations like yours. This is infifelity and worse since it involves a teen and predation. As I recall, Dobson writes alot about the lack of self-esteem in the innocent spouse. And it sure seems on the money for you (why do you mention your looks or weight?? Do you really think that has ANYTHING to do with this?? IT DOESN’T!)

Every Man’s Battle materials (google it) might be helpful also. All of these are from a Protestant perspective and lack Catholic insight on marriage, but they do have some good stuff .

Has you husband done anything that proves a dedication to changing? Does he accept responsibility for what he did (or does he talk about the girl’s clothing? PUHLEASE!) How old are your children? What do they know about what has happened? How is his inability to hold a job for 15 years related to the most recent problem? In other words, were there unacknowledged incidents at other jobs? Did previous employers decide not to make the situations public or press charges? Do you think you really know the extent of the problem? For instance, why do you say there has been no physical infidelity? It sounds like you didn’t know about the porn addiction for a dozen years – he is clearly good at lying and deceiving. Do you think you know the duration of the problem? Does this go all the way back to his childhood and continue uninterrupted by marriage and fatherhood to the present? What age girls were involved previous to this one?

These are a lot of questions and you may not want to answer any of them. But it is hard to know what to say without more information.

Without clear EVIDENCE that there is a change and determination to change, if I were in your shoes, I would go to my bishop and ask permission to separate.

God bless and help you.
 
Sparkle, dear, I am praying for you.

I can’t say anything that YinYangMom, Mom of 5, Kage-ar, CatholicHeart, and Celia haven’t already said, except that you don’t have to do this alone, and having your husband seek separate living quarters as well as support you and the children during this time is NOT too much to ask!

Is there some kind of support group for women with husbands like this, something along the lines of Al-Anon, where you are? You don’t have to be mean to your husband (although it’d probably feel good at first, later you’d feel like a jerk). But you do have to make it clear to him that you certainly don’t condone his behavior, and HE is the one who created this situation. It would help if you can find another therapist, even if you are the one who goes alone, and set down on paper what it would take for your husband to come back. That way, you and he have guidelines.

Other than that, everybody has said it all.

{{{{{sparkle}}}}} That’s an “old-fashioned” (shades of the 1980s bulletin board) hug!
 
you know we are praying for you, and have been, and since you ask I will offer from the experience of my extended family, that if you stay with this guy you and the kids will be damaged. there is a lot more to abuse than the physical. your sons especially will grow up with very warped ideas about the treatment and respect due to women, and you daughters with damaged self-image. You, yourself need counselling now, because you are the one who needs the strength to do what you have to do.

You must separate, including civil divorce if necessary, to get your finances under your control now, and for that you need a good lawyer. If he ever does become subject to a financial judgement you could lose everything. this also extends to your taxes, make sure your tax advisor helps you separate your affairs.

You cannot make progress and cannot provide a safe, beneficial situation for your kids as long as you remain with this guy. down the road, if he ever does get help with something that in my opinion and pastoral experience is the most damaging and hardest to shake of all addictions, well down the road what happens in the future, at least for the present your kids will be safe.

above all tend to your own spiritual health, stay close to the sacraments, you need this for your sanity.
 
Hi Quattrochii:

Thx for your concern friend. I found out about his porn problem about 9 months into our marriage when I was pregnant. :confused: Found the phone bill with alot of 800 numbers on it. Yikes! He promised it would end, happened again, promised, happened again, etc., etc., , now for about 17 years. Our counselor tried making him accountable by sending him to a group, Sex aholics anon. He went a few times then fizzled out. Hasn’t gone now for several months. He has no initiative to go, and I don’t feel he really wants to combat it, sorry to say. I just know his problem is deeply spiritual here. Only a true conversion of the heart will be what it takes, nothing less. Have the scapular under his mattress!!!

As most spouses of unbelievers, we must never cease praying for our spouse’s conversion. Maybe I don’t pray hard enough. I know sometimes I leave my devotions to the last, or even forget them for a day. When I come back to them, AAAHH, my heart is so at peace. How we need daily Mass and devotions!!!

I know as I have learned, I must live my life, still, and attempt to be happy and do what God leads me to do. I pray I might lead others to Christ, and it is utterly amazing all the people God has set in front of me just in the past couple months. Maybe by my suffering, He has given me so much more compassion for others, and their problems, and helped me see how others are worse off than me. (Another story all together).

My kids love their Dad. Hubby plays with them endlessly, games, sports, etc., too much, when he should be job searching. This is part of the problem. I know it is not my fault. I know people tell me, it has nothing to do with me, his indiscretion. This really took a couple years for me to fully come to know this. At first it is normal to think, what have I done? I wasn’t sexy enough, skinny enough? too tall? too shy? too agressive? When I was my absolute most beautiful, after my 1st baby. I was a size 8, was very, very fit, still playing athletics still, still modeling, he compared me with his brother’s girlfriend at the time, saying “why can’t you be “small” like so and so”? This hurt me SO much. still does, probably more than anything he’s ever said. I’ll never be the short and petite type. I’'m tall and slender. She was short (5’2")and teenie. 😦 I’m 5’8" and tall. Now, thankfully, I know, I accept me just as I am, and it is His problem. But it has not been an easy road to discover this. It’s been long and hard, and I do feel insecure at times still, when he still peers at teens. How I wish I had a hubby who adores me, not a wandering eye. Be thankful gals, who have this, and gentlemen, you who do adore your wives. Keep it up!!! Know it is not your looks, but your character women love! Your strength, your fear of the Lord!–for this is the beginning of wisdom isn’t it?

I appreciate all your prayers and concern alot! Just wish I had an exact answer that could fix everything. Don’t we all!!!

Thanks, for your concern. God Bless YOu~~
 
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