This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

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Sparkle,

It sounds to me like you’ve come to terms of acceptance about your husband’s addiction…that if he had a good job and could keep it you wouldn’t really have a problem.

That is one way to go through a marriage, but it’s not the best - for him, for you, or for your children.

But it’s your call. Praying, though powerful, is not enough, you know. We do have to do our part, especially when God sends people your way…

Think about it - you were ‘moved’ enough to actually post this thread…

We were ‘moved’ to respond.

That is the way God answers prayer most of the time.

Do not dismiss our advice just because it means taking serious action.

It’s absolutely wonderful of you to want to stay in this marriage, I agree completely that it’s what’s best.

But tolerating this illness is not part of the vows you took. You mentioned the vows - in sickness and in health - but you left out HIS vow to you to remain faithful, and he hasn’t done that throughout your entire marriage.

Porn is one thing…continually ogling ‘teens’ is downright terrifying. I’d almost feel better if you said he ogled ‘women’ wherever he went…but ‘teens’…no, that’s a definitely NEON RED FLARE.

You say you don’t want to kick him out because who’d support you…that’s why you start with the social service agency in your community first…find out how other women get by in your situation and if you find it’s financially possible for you to support the children and you this way, then follow through. Do not concern yourself with where your husband will go - that’s what HE needs to worry about, and it sounds like his mom would take him in.

If nothing else, please, please:

a) go to your priest **NOW **and show him this thread (you can print this stuff out)

b) find out if there is a sexaholic anonymous support group in your area for spouses. From there you will get information and support to get through this.

You know in your gut, that there’s more to his addiction than you’re able to share with us, and that’s fine…but stop hiding. It is not going to get any better and you very well may lose your house sooner than later…then what?!?
 
Need advice?: Call Dr. Laura at 1-800-DR-LAURA

Or you can write her at:
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
P.O. Box 8120
Van Nuys, CA 91409
 
The above two posts are the best advice I’ve seen from Lily yet! This may eventually come to a point where you do need to separate, but I don’t think any of us on this message board are in a position to say when that point is.

Oh, that current gay councelor - I’d dump him way faster than I’d dump your husband.
 
**
Respect is earned. Just because I am married to someone, does not mean he automatically deserves respect !! I have it when I marry him, but through his actions, he may lose it along the way. Sparkle should respect this man?? He has shown GRAVE disrespect to her and his children as well as the girl he wrote to. Just because he is not a physical abuser (yet) does not mean he does not abuse. Mental and verbal abuse can cause deeper scars than a slap in the face.

Neither respect or love is earned. Reread Ephesians 5:21-33.

He may not deserve respect, but God tells a wife to respect her husband anyway. This is hard. That is precisely why God inspired St. Paul to write it. A man needs to be held accountable but also respected for who he can be.

St. Paul also tells a man to love his wife regardless of whether she has earned it. It is easy for a man to die for his wife but it is very hard for him to live for her and love her in the face of her disrespect and lack of confidence in him as a person. She can and should hate what he has done, but not hate him because of it.

Society has clouded the truth, which is taught by the Catholic Church and included in Scripture.

We take the concept of abuse too far. Lack of emotional support or cruel words are not the same as physical abuse.

You can tell a man that he has failed to do what he is called to do. Then you must also tell him that you have faith in him and in God that with God’s help you know he can reach his potential. Men are inspired by the confidence other have in him. A man will rise to your level of confidence in him. (Unless he is a saint and then he would be able to rise above regardless of the circumstances.) This man is not a saint, but just like all of us, he has the potential to be a saint. Don’t expect him to act like a saint and rise above from his current situation. He needs to be inspired. I am certainly not saying his actions or inactions should be tolerated.

I recommend reading Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerich. It is written by a Evangelical. There are many very good marriage books written by non-Catholic Christians. Many have greater insight into certain aspects than the Catholic books. This may be because there is always a little bit missing by not understanding the full Sacramental nature of marriage. Therefore Evangelicals need to further develop other aspects of marriage teaching and often achieve great insight.

Also see
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
1 Peter 3

I think much of the advice to leave him because of the possibility he will physically abuse or the justification that his actions are damaging his children is unbiblical. This man will have to stand before God someday. Sparkle will need to stand before God as well. Suffering has purpose. God clearly states we are to forgive whether warranted or not. The damage to the children by distancing him from them may be greater than the damage caused by remaining together.

The Bible is a Catholic book. The Bible contains the wisdom of the Church and using the Church’s guidance in reading and understanding, we cannot go wrong. We also look to the Church for the Word of God in the Traditions of the Church.

See Luke 12:47-48.

Sparkle, much has been given to you, and much is expected of you. We may not think that is fair but if it this were not the truth would it be written in the inspired word of God?

Sarah forgave Abraham for his cowardice that led to her rape while in Egypt. She was taken into the pharaoh’s household and into his bed. What a despicable thing. Sarah forgave him and Abraham became the Father of Nations through the child that Sarah bore. We honor Abraham who utterly failed his wife and allowed another man to defile her. This sin is similar to the sin of Adam when stood by and let the serpent tempt Eve.

Men throughout history have utterly failed women. Men have done despicable things. Some of those same men have later become saints but I think in all cases it was because he was first forgiven by his wife and she inspired him to be more than he thought he was capable of. The actions by these historical women should not be considered tolerance or justifying his actions. **
 
Black Jaque, this certainly sounds like a Dr. Laura advice situation!!!
 
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sparkle:
Our marriage therapist has hardly brought up this issue.
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Is your therapist a Christian Counselor? If not, please find one with Christian values.

Are you getting my PMs? I’d like to send you my testimony. I can post it here if you like, but it’s rather long.

Don’t be embarassed, you are among friends here who only want to help.
 
C S P B said:
**

Neither respect or love is earned. Reread Ephesians 5:21-33.**

He may not deserve respect, but God tells a wife to respect her husband anyway. This is hard. That is precisely why God inspired St. Paul to write it. A man needs to be held accountable but also respected for who he can be.

St. Paul also tells a man to love his wife regardless of whether she has earned it. It is easy for a man to die for his wife but it is very hard for him to live for her and love her in the face of her disrespect and lack of confidence in him as a person. She can and should hate what he has done, but not hate him because of it.

Society has clouded the truth, which is taught by the Catholic Church and included in Scripture.

We take the concept of abuse too far. Lack of emotional support or cruel words are not the same as physical abuse.

You can tell a man that he has failed to do what he is called to do. Then you must also tell him that you have faith in him and in God that with God’s help you know he can reach his potential. Men are inspired by the confidence other have in him. A man will rise to your level of confidence in him. (Unless he is a saint and then he would be able to rise above regardless of the circumstances.) This man is not a saint, but just like all of us, he has the potential to be a saint. Don’t expect him to act like a saint and rise above from his current situation. He needs to be inspired. I am certainly not saying his actions or inactions should be tolerated.

I recommend reading Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerich. It is written by a Evangelical. There are many very good marriage books written by non-Catholic Christians. Many have greater insight into certain aspects than the Catholic books. This may be because there is always a little bit missing by not understanding the full Sacramental nature of marriage. Therefore Evangelicals need to further develop other aspects of marriage teaching and often achieve great insight.

Also see
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
1 Peter 3

I think much of the advice to leave him because of the possibility he will physically abuse or the justification that his actions are damaging his children is unbiblical. This man will have to stand before God someday. Sparkle will need to stand before God as well. Suffering has purpose. God clearly states we are to forgive whether warranted or not. The damage to the children by distancing him from them may be greater than the damage caused by remaining together.

The Bible is a Catholic book. The Bible contains the wisdom of the Church and using the Church’s guidance in reading and understanding, we cannot go wrong. We also look to the Church for the Word of God in the Traditions of the Church.

See Luke 12:47-48.

Sparkle, much has been given to you, and much is expected of you. We may not think that is fair but if it this were not the truth would it be written in the inspired word of God?

Sarah forgave Abraham for his cowardice that led to her rape while in Egypt. She was taken into the pharaoh’s household and into his bed. What a despicable thing. Sarah forgave him and Abraham became the Father of Nations through the child that Sarah bore. We honor Abraham who utterly failed his wife and allowed another man to defile her. This sin is similar to the sin of Adam when stood by and let the serpent tempt Eve.

Men throughout history have utterly failed women. Men have done despicable things. Some of those same men have later become saints but I think in all cases it was because he was first forgiven by his wife and she inspired him to be more than he thought he was capable of. The actions by these historical women should not be considered tolerance or justifying his actions.
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Right on!
 
C S P B:
**Sarah forgave Abraham for his cowardice that led to her rape while in **Egypt. She was taken into the pharaoh’s household and into his bed. What a despicable thing. Sarah forgave him and Abraham became the Father of Nations through the child that Sarah bore. We honor Abraham who utterly failed his wife and allowed another man to defile her. This sin is similar to the sin of Adam when stood by and let the serpent tempt Eve.

**Men throughout history have utterly failed women. Men have done despicable things. Some of those same men have later become saints but I think in all cases it was because he was first forgiven by his wife and she inspired him to be more than he thought he was capable of. The actions by these historical women should not be considered tolerance or justifying his actions. **
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Forgiveness is given once conversion takes place.
First of all, the man needs to acknowledge he has sinned, seek forgiveness from the Church through Confession - which means he promised to avoid the near occasion of sin…
From there he approaches his wife, apologizes to her for having caused her such pain, promise to never do it again and to seek to gain her respect once again.
THEN and only then, is the burden placed on the wife to take him at his word and welcome him back into her heart.

Sparkle isn’t even there yet because he’s still behaving irresponsibly. There is nothing to forgive as he hasn’t had a change of heart nor has he asked her forgiveness.

The Church does not teach that a wife must subject herself or her children to scandalous or abusive situations from her husband (and don’t underestimate the damage emotional abuse has on young minds. He may not be physically abusing her or them, but his behavior is definitely emotionally damaging them all).

The marriage covenant binds both parties - it is on the husband’s head to love his wife, treat her with respect, honor her…to which the wife responds in kind.

This man is not honoring his wife in any way - He has broken his vows from early on. She has continued to honor hers despite his disregard for his. The marriage is until death…absolutely this must be honored…but the Church doesn’t say they cannot separate or should not separate under these conditions.

She should absolutely seek Catholic counseling and follow the advise of her priest, though.
 
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YinYangMom:
Forgiveness is given once conversion takes place.
First of all, the man needs to acknowledge he has sinned, seek forgiveness from the Church through Confession - which means he promised to avoid the near occasion of sin…
From there he approaches his wife, apologizes to her for having caused her such pain, promise to never do it again and to seek to gain her respect once again.
THEN and only then, is the burden placed on the wife to take him at his word and welcome him back into her heart.

Sparkle isn’t even there yet because he’s still behaving irresponsibly. There is nothing to forgive as he hasn’t had a change of heart nor has he asked her forgiveness.

The Church does not teach that a wife must subject herself or her children to scandalous or abusive situations from her husband (and don’t underestimate the damage emotional abuse has on young minds. He may not be physically abusing her or them, but his behavior is definitely emotionally damaging them all).

The marriage covenant binds both parties - it is on the husband’s head to love his wife, treat her with respect, honor her…to which the wife responds in kind.

This man is not honoring his wife in any way - He has broken his vows from early on. She has continued to honor hers despite his disregard for his. The marriage is until death…absolutely this must be honored…but the Church doesn’t say they cannot separate or should not separate under these conditions.

She should absolutely seek Catholic counseling and follow the advise of her priest, though.
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We are not to respect only if one behaves. The point about Love and Respect is that it is precisely the respect of a wife that will motivate the change. He needs this support and not contempt. This is very hard today in the I culture.
 
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buffalo:
We are not to respect only if one behaves. The point about Love and Respect is that it is precisely the respect of a wife that will motivate the change. He needs this support and not contempt.
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On that I agree.
Yes, she needs to re-word her approach with him so that it takes on a more encouraging tone…
but still, he has to respond to that by trying to change…

If she does what you suggest, and he continues going about his business as usual, not getting therapy, not seeking employment, not cutting off his porn addiction…

then what do you suggest? The house is at risk for foreclosure at this rate. What then?
 
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YinYangMom:
If she does what you suggest, and he continues going about his business as usual, not getting therapy, not seeking employment, not cutting off his porn addiction…

then what do you suggest? The house is at risk for foreclosure at this rate. What then?
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That is like prenup thinking. I assume this will fail so I will guard myself. It is truly very difficult. She must believe that he can and will change. The negative tensions between them must be erased, or he will continue to fall, because she expects him too. He will feel disrespected and a failure. Men are built in a way that they want to put their arms around the family to protect and support them. Many men have lost this when their is financial competition in the household.
 
The point about Love and Respect is that it is precisely the respect of a wife that will motivate the change. He needs this support and not contempt.
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But mostly he needs to stop these behaviors and the destructive influence they have on his family. His wife can best support his stopping them by refusing to gloss over them, refusing to enable him and by absolutely, unequivocally refusing to allow him to spread this poison any farther.

As a teacher, he was in a position of trust and authority over the student to whom he sent four suggestive letters. This demonstrates inappropriate sexual leanings and a definite lack of appropriate sexual boundaries and a lack of control over his own sexual urges. Even after the drastic consequence of losing his job, he continues to obviously ogle teenage girls. Of course his kids see and notice this. He continues to have pornography in the home, and one of his kids has already found it. Even if he never sexually acts out with his teenage daughter or one of the kids’ teenage friends, his sinful attitudes toward human sexuality have been passed on to the children. They are already judging their mother by shallow, appearance oriented standards. Why in the world would children think about their mother getting a tummy or not wearing eye makeup if their father wasn’t so obsessed with a woman’s sexual appearance?

The Church teaches that human sexuality is to be a part of a great love of the total other person, that person being your spouse. Sex is not to be a tool by which another person is manipulated or used and it is not to be viewed as just an itched that needs to be scratched. He openly violates each of these principles and shows no remorse for this and no intent to change. How in the world is his wife to be “supportive” of him but to insist that he stop this and remove his influence on the kids until he does?
 
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sparkle:
OK how do I install it? Sounds like a good idea. What do I do? Does anybody know that website to see what has been viewed on your computer. Did it once. But forgot the site.
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I use THIS FILTER. I have used several others over the years but this one works better than the others I have tried. It is a proxy method so you aren’t relying upon a list on your own computer that needs to be constantly updated. It also allows you to either allow password access to blocked sites, or not to if you don’t have enough will power. It isn’t cheap (about $50 per year) but I have never had an “accident” with a site slipping through in the three years that I have used it.

Another temptation is spam email. If I had a nickel for every unacceptable email message I received I would be a rich man. I also subscribe to a great SPAM FILTER. It is also a proxy approach and requires verification by the senders. I used to get a mountain of spam every day, much of it unacceptable content. Since I installed this service a couple of years ago, I have NEVER received a spam message. It is also an annual fee service, but it is worth every penny.

Sorry for the commercial endorsements (I have no affiliation with either, other than as a customer) but they are great products and they have really cut down on my fears of my kids (and me too) accidently facing online porn. There are other products out there as well, but I have had a particularly good experience with these.

Blessings.
 
I am not arguing his sainthood. Just pointing out that the roots of his behavior could have started long ago in the marriage. He obviously has to do some work. But there are many examples of this sort of problem that have worked out due to the wife’s knowledge of this respect.

Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. 6 22 Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. 24 As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her 26 to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, 27 that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. 33 ** In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.

In the Duoay Rheims:
** [33]()Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular love for his wife as himself: **And let the wife fear her husband.**
 
Sparkle-

Be careful…you’re his WIFE, not his MOTHER. I don’t say that to be trite… just to remind you that you are NOT in control of HIS actions. His actions are NOT your fault. While I think that an internet filter is a good idea, I’m afraid it could be the beginning of you taking responsibility for HIS problems… If that doesn’t stop him/fix this, then you’ll be looking for something else you can do to help him…and you’ll end up spending all of your energy on trying to change him.

You can’t change him.
God can help him. You can pray for him.
You need to take care of yourself and your children.

I heard a speaker last night who mentioned the Catholic virtue of forgiveness. He talked about when the Pope met and forgave his attempted assasin. His point was that although he forgave this man, he didn’t say “ok, open the jail cell and let him go on his way, everything’s fine, I forgave him”… no. He had to forgive him for himself. The man still had to be held accountable for his actions.

Be safe. You don’t have to abandon your husband in his time of sickness…but how can I explain this… It’s like if he had a contagious and very serious virus. One that you hope he’ll recover from with much prayer and the right treatment. You’d care for him, but you’d protect yourself-- maybe you’d wear a mask when you spoke with him, you’d limit the kids’ contact with him too. He’d want all this because he loves you and wouldn’t want you all to be harmed by his illness. Maybe he’d be taken to the hospital to keep him safe and keep the family and others out of harm’s way. You’d send cards, prayers, love back and forth…but all would know that you couldn’t be in eachothers’ presence until the virus was gone.

Psychological illness is so much harder to act upon though, isn’t it? The effects are slow, sometimes invisible until much time has passed.

To return to the forgiveness aspect- if someone is throwing rocks at you, you duck. If they hit you, you should forgive them, but you should still keep ducking.

Hope this helps some.
 
Originally posted by YinYangMom

Forgiveness is given once conversion takes place.
First of all, the man needs to acknowledge he has sinned, seek forgiveness from the Church through Confession - which means he promised to avoid the near occasion of sin…
From there he approaches his wife, apologizes to her for having caused her such pain, promise to never do it again and to seek to gain her respect once again.
THEN and only then, is the burden placed on the wife to take him at his word and welcome him back into her heart.

St. Maximilian Kolbe forgave the Nazi guards that killed him. Did they ask for forgiveness? St. Stephen the first martyr in the Church forgave those who stoned him. They did not ask for his forgiveness. Jesus said on the Cross, Father forgive them for they know not what they do. How many saints have forgiven their persecutors and those that wronged them.

We are all called to be saints. Sparkle is called to be a saint. Her path is hard, but she will not be tempted beyond her ability (1 Corinthians 10:13 also “Lead us not to temptation” from Lord’s Prayer). We must admire Sparkle because God thinks she is capable of much by example of the trial he has allowed her to be subjected to.

The Bible no where says we only need to forgive if forgiveness is asked for. We as Christians are held to a higher standard. We are to forgive as our Father forgives us. We pray this in the Lord’ Prayer at every Mass. (Matthew 6: 9-15)

How many times have you gone to Confession, received absolution and gone out and committed the exact same sin? You may have intended to do better or maybe you were only sorry for what you did. You receive absolution with an imperfect act of contrition. How many times will you be forgiven? Jesus says we are to forgive not 7 times but 7 times 70. (Matthew 18:21-22 then read this entire chapter about forgiveness)

Certainly Jesus does command us to seek forgiveness from those who we wronged. But Jesus also tells us to forgive so we will be forgiven. No where can I find where I am relieved of the obligation to forgive by another’s lack of repentance. I am told to forgive… regardless.

I challenge YinYangMom to support her view through the Bible or thru the Magisterial teaching of the Church. I don’t think it can be done, but I certainly want to be enlightened if my beliefs are wrong. Just to be clear, I cannot expect someone to forgive me if I have not asked for their forgiveness but I cannot withhold my forgiveness from someone else just because they have not asked for forgiveness.

Consequences of sin are another matter. The consequences remain even after the sin is forgiven. God forgave King David for his adultery, yet the consequence was that David’s first child born of Bathsheba died. Another Catholic analogy is Purgatory where we suffer the consequences of our sin and are purged by fire, even though we are saved.
 
Hi everyone:

Thx for replying.

Thx for the book recommendation “Love and Respect” by Eggerich whoever told me.

DWC: You’re right --everything you say!

YinYangMom: You said my H was unfaithful since the beginning here. Do you think being into porn is unfaithful? I often wonder about this. I guess it does mean is in love with something other than his wife, that’s for sure. Yes, an addiction that’s hard to control. Our previous counselor told him every time we went to see him, how important it is for him to get into a group regularly, weekly. He went maybe 3 times, and hasn’t made the effort to go back. When we go to the counselor again (yes he’s a Christian), I will mention that he hasn’t gone to the sexaholics group for a long time. And I need for him to go regularly, which I do. Think he’s got job business on his mind.

I do not enable him, and yes, I am most aware of not doing this, as remember I said his mom did just this.

When my teen son caught the mag under his seat, that was it. I knew something severe had to be done. That’s when I spent 3 days straight making calls looking for a counselor, when finally I found one. I plan on asking him (counselor) how really important God is to him personally, and what role he thinks God plays in a marriage. I will tell him things have slacked as far as H going to group, and I do fear it. etc., etc., We’ll see how it goes, then if I feel I need to find another one, I will. H said he’ll go to confession, after we heard on EWTN how very few Catholics go to a counselor, because they have confession!!! That’s awesome! But he’s not Catholic. Is this a good idea? Should I encourage it? It might help him. How I want it to!!!

Well thanks you all. Seperating at this point would not help, only hurt my family. Honestly, we are not in any danger. My boys adore their Dad. Just pray he’ll be working again soon.

C S C B: Thx for your wise words!!! Yes, I think he knows he blew a great career by these actions years ago, and he’s really paid the price. Trouble is, so have I, big time!
 
C S P B:
St. Maximilian Kolbe forgave the Nazi guards that killed him. Did they ask for forgiveness? St. Stephen the first martyr in the Church forgave those who stoned him. They did not ask for his forgiveness. Jesus said on the Cross, Father forgive them for they know not what they do. How many saints have forgiven their persecutors and those that wronged them.

We are all called to be saints. Sparkle is called to be a saint. Her path is hard, but she will not be tempted beyond her ability (1 Corinthians 10:13 also “Lead us not to temptation” from Lord’s Prayer). We must admire Sparkle because God thinks she is capable of much by example of the trial he has allowed her to be subjected to.

The Bible no where says we only need to forgive if forgiveness is asked for. We as Christians are held to a higher standard. We are to forgive as our Father forgives us. We pray this in the Lord’ Prayer at every Mass. (Matthew 6: 9-15)

How many times have you gone to Confession, received absolution and gone out and committed the exact same sin? You may have intended to do better or maybe you were only sorry for what you did. You receive absolution with an imperfect act of contrition. How many times will you be forgiven? Jesus says we are to forgive not 7 times but 7 times 70. (Matthew 18:21-22 then read this entire chapter about forgiveness)

Certainly Jesus does command us to seek forgiveness from those who we wronged. But Jesus also tells us to forgive so we will be forgiven. No where can I find where I am relieved of the obligation to forgive by another’s lack of repentance. I am told to forgive… regardless.

I challenge YinYangMom to support her view through the Bible or thru the Magisterial teaching of the Church. I don’t think it can be done, but I certainly want to be enlightened if my beliefs are wrong. Just to be clear, I cannot expect someone to forgive me if I have not asked for their forgiveness but I cannot withhold my forgiveness from someone else just because they have not asked for forgiveness.

Consequences of sin are another matter. The consequences remain even after the sin is forgiven. God forgave King David for his adultery, yet the consequence was that David’s first child born of Bathsheba died. Another Catholic analogy is Purgatory where we suffer the consequences of our sin and are purged by fire, even though we are saved.
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Hold up.
Forgiveness toward those you wrong you is one thing…

But I was responding to a marital situation.
The people who killed Christ and St. Steven or any other martr for that matter were not in a covenental relationship with them.

BECAUSE of the covenant of marriage there certainly are different guidelines all around. I wasn’t speaking about forgiveness in general, but about how healing takes place within a marriage. Check church documentation on marital relationships and you will find a lot about the responsibility of the man to honor, respect and love his wife first and foremost…from that, the wife responds accordingly. In Sparkle’s situation, the man has tossed aside his responsibilities yet she has continued to honor hers. What I was saying is that couple is not even at a point to begin discussing forgiveness - as he has yet to acknowledge anything he needs forgiving for, let alone has promised to make things right in the marriage by beginning to honor his vows.
 
Sparkle,

I can’t state with any certainty that I know what you should do in your situation, only you, through much prayer and discernment can know for certain what path Christ is calling you to take. However, I do believe that suffering is salvific and you have the opportunity to do much good for the souls of this world and the next by taking up your cross and bearing it with the dignity you have displayed on these forums. Forgiveness, even for the unrepentant, is a gift we receive from God, so I encourage you to pray for a forgiving nature in the face of this most difficult situation.

What I do know is that we are responsible for the salvation of our spouse and to that end I encourage you to pray for your husband, and to pray without ceasing. Make every task you do around the house an offering for his conversion. Make every moment a gift for him and your children. Include your children in the task of praying for their father. I pray with my daughter on the way to school each day during the school year. I bring her with me to daily mass in the summer.

Through forgiveness, I pray that you learn to respect your husband, as you promised in your marriage vows to Love, honor and obey him. I agree that this includes respect, a basic need by a man, just as love is a most basic need for a woman.

I am sorry that he engages in the wandering eye syndrome. I once dated a guy like that, and it is really disconcerting and disrespectful of you, his wife. It is also disrespecting himself as a married man and father.

I don’t believe that moving out would help things much. I think it would place him in a position of believing that acting on his fantasies was now OK, and this will most likely lead to more trauma for your children. At the same time, I was concerned when you wrote that your house is the place where all the local kids congregate. You didn’t answer with the ages and genders of your children, but if you have a teenage daughter (or even a son) and there are other teenage girls coming to the house, this sounds like it would be a near temptation for your husband. Probably not a wise situation.

Please know that you are in my prayers. I hope your burden becomes easier to bear. God Bless,

CARose
 
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