This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

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sparkle:
YinYangMom: You said my H was unfaithful since the beginning here. Do you think being into porn is unfaithful? I often wonder about this. I guess it does mean is in love with something other than his wife, that’s for sure. Yes, an addiction that’s hard to control. Our previous counselor told him every time we went to see him, how important it is for him to get into a group regularly, weekly. He went maybe 3 times, and hasn’t made the effort to go back. When we go to the counselor again (yes he’s a Christian), I will mention that he hasn’t gone to the sexaholics group for a long time. And I need for him to go regularly, which I do. Think he’s got job business on his mind.

I do not enable him, and yes, I am most aware of not doing this, as remember I said his mom did just this.

When my teen son caught the mag under his seat, that was it. I knew something severe had to be done. That’s when I spent 3 days straight making calls looking for a counselor, when finally I found one. I plan on asking him (counselor) how really important God is to him personally, and what role he thinks God plays in a marriage. I will tell him things have slacked as far as H going to group, and I do fear it. etc., etc., We’ll see how it goes, then if I feel I need to find another one, I will. H said he’ll go to confession, after we heard on EWTN how very few Catholics go to a counselor, because they have confession!!! That’s awesome! But he’s not Catholic. Is this a good idea? Should I encourage it? It might help him. How I want it to!!!
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The Catholic Church says addiction to porn is the same as adultery. I absolutely believe it…and if you’d look around your house you’d see it to be true yourself.

Porn is distorted imagery of sex. It debases man and woman.
It reduces them to mere body parts to be used any way one’s imagination can conjure up. What one sees is not the marital embrace which includes God.

When a man constantly views porn it’s all he knows and desires from ‘real’ women. Thus, your husband ‘ogling’ at teens.

I’m glad you’ve stopped enabling him. You were enabling him earlier though when you were not able to recognize that his addiction was keeping his attention off of you and your marriage, and that by ogling teens he was being unfaithful. But that’s behind you now, thank goodnes.

As for confession, since he’s not Catholic he hasn’t received that sacrament yet so I’m not sure it would have any real spiritual value, but I could be wrong about that.

I’m so glad to hear you are insisting on his continuing his sexaholics therapy. I will pray that he honors your request.
 
YinYangMom, I agree with your post immediatly preceeding this one. We have had a good discussion going on this topic. I think all involved can see a bit of themselves in this.

Sparkle, I admire you. I will pray for you and fast for you. You are being tested by fire. Gold is purified by fire. You will emerge from this a much better person.
 
Dear sparkle,

I have not read every reply to your problem, but wanted to post portions of two homilies, one for you on forgiveness, and the second for your husband on salvific suffering. God bless you both during this difficult time.

Debbie

On Forgiveness
  1. In his magnum opus, the Summa Theologica, St Thomas Aquinas calls magnanimity “the ornament of all the virtues” (II-II, q. 129, a. 4, Obj. 3). An ornament is something that decorates or adorns something else. But the word ornament also means the source of pride, honor, or credit for something. My dictionary uses the example of a ballerina who is an ornament to the world of dance. That means she is the source of pride, or honor, or credit to the world of dance. This is the sense in which St Thomas uses it when he says that magnanimity is “the ornament of all the virtues.”
  2. The word magnanimous comes from the Latin “magnus animus,” meaning “great soul.” So, a magnanimous person is one who has a great soul. If one has a great soul, then one is worthy of honor. But the honor that one seeks in practicing the virtue of magnanimity is honor in the eyes of God, not honor in the eyes of men. Magnanimity seeks to perform actions that faith tells us are great and noble in God’s eyes. Just as the ballerina is called to be a source of pride for the world of dance, we Christians are called to be a source of pride for our Heavenly Father. We are to behave in a way that makes our Father proud of us.
  3. If we have been following the Gospel readings throughout this past week, we shall have noticed that they have been speaking about healing and forgiveness, two themes that are intimately connected. For it is through forgiveness that we find healing, healing in our relationship with our heavenly Father and healing in our relationships with our neighbors.
  4. Greatness of soul manifests itself in many ways, but one of the most profound ways in which it shows itself is in the ability to forgive. In my dictionary, the first definition of magnanimous is “courageously noble in mind and heart.” The second definition is “generous in forgiving; eschewing resentment or revenge; unselfish” (American Heritage Electronic Dictionary). Once again, we see an intimate connection between being noble in mind and heart and being forgiving. What makes our heavenly Father proud of us is our willingness to forgive our neighbors, to forgive our friends, our enemies, and even our family members, who are often the most difficult to forgive.
  5. On Thursday, we heard Christ tells us that the measure with which we forgive is the measure with which God will forgive us (cf. Lk vi, 37-38). We are reminded of that every day in the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” The same manner in which we forgive others is the manner in which we are asking God to forgive us. That is something to think about.
  6. So, how do we learn to be more forgiving? How do we grow in the virtue of magnanimity?
  7. Well, firstly, we begin with self-reflection. No matter how great the evil was that the person committed against us, the sins that we commit against God are far worse.
  8. That is how we are called to forgive, how we are called to be magnanimous, by standing with open arms waiting to forgive, by making the first step, even, by offering the forgiveness as God does by giving us the grace to confess, the grace of contrition. We are not to hold on to grudges and let that anger fester within us, draining us of the life of charity. Holding on to grudges has never healed relationships. No matter how difficult it is, forgiveness is what leads to peace of mind and joy in our hearts, not anger and hatred.
  9. This leads to the second step, which is frequent confession. Through reception of this Sacrament of healing, we experience in our own lives the mercy and forgiveness of the Lord. And through a humble and worthy confession, we receive the graces we need to live a life of holiness and virtue. The more often we receive God’s mercy and forgiveness, the easier it is for us to be merciful and forgiving towards our neighbors.
  10. And, finally, we must pray for those who trespass against us. When we pray for people, it helps us to see them through the eyes of God. Once we are able to see them as God sees them, as our brothers and sisters, as His sons and daughters, who are created in His image and likeness, then it becomes easier to extend to them the same love and mercy and forgiveness that He extends to us.
  11. That is the power of forgiveness. That is how we are called to forgive. That is how our magnanimity is to be made manifest to the world.
–
Rev’d Fr Augustine H.T. Tran
 
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YinYangMom:
The Catholic Church says addiction to porn is the same as adultery. I absolutely believe it…and if you’d look around your house you’d see it to be true yourself.

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It is indeed, but a persons culpability in this sin is mitigated by its addictive nature. With that in mind it is not necessarily a malicious act towards the wife.
 
Sparkle,

There is not much more that I can add to the other good advice that you have gotten here. I am sorry that you are going through such a trial, but if you persevere, and keep looking to God for your answers and strength through this, you will shine on the other side. I will pray for strength for you.
I can tell by what you say about leaving that you have chosen to stay with him, and I think that is a wise decision. Separating, and all that goes with it will cause you more stress, and will do him no good. Since you have committed to staying, and shared this with us, it is apparent that you are ready to deal with this head on. That is very brave, and God will bring good out of this. The only things that I can add to what has already been said is to pray for him as if he had a terminal illness. Try to disassociate yourself from his errant behaviour, sort of like an invisible line–that is him, this is you. This may help you to keep from taking it as personally, as his addiction and subsequent behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with you. We all choose how we are going to behave. That is why, since you seem to be very committed to seeing this through, you must keep your head up and stay very close to God. If you love your husband, try to remember that when you deal with him, but try not to compromise your values or belief system. I don’t know if this will help or not, but I really wanted to try. I will be praying for you both, and your family.

Sherilo
 
So as I understand it, Sparkle’s husband is a pervert who is interested in underage children. Why shouldn’t she run like hell?
 
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Benedictus:
So as I understand it, Sparkle’s husband is a pervert who is interested in underage children. Why shouldn’t she run like hell?
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Yes, that is how it must seem to many. However, in spite of our own indivdual reactions to Sparkle’s situation, I think that we should be listening to what she is saying. She is obviously committed to saving her marriage, so I think that if we can help her, we should. If she keeps listening to God, He will help her through this. And if a separation for her good, and that of her children is His will for her, He will let her know.

Sherilo
 
Just lost everything I typed. Sigh. Will make it short:

Debbie: Thx for the beautiful homily! Just what I needed!!!

Benedictus: It’s not teens, it the way they dress which is a total stumbling block for men!!! Bare midriffs, g-strings totally sticking up above their jeans, etc., etc., Fathers of daughters --be aware of this. It’s unlikely grown women dress like they’re so desperate for men’s attention, it’s the teens of today throwing this in men’s faces. I owe it alot to all the single mothers today raising kids, without a man. These girls are so desperate for men to notice them. And they sure do, don’t they?

Once again: thank you all so much for your encouragement and help. I’ve decided to start going to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. And yes, pray and pray some more.

God Bless~~
 
No Sparkle it’s not single mother’s fault that you married a pervert and you won’t do anything to protect your children. Go and pray Sparkle. Mothers who chose to expose their children to such sickness and perversion are as guilty as the pervert.
 
sparkle,

I have not had the opportunity to read all of the posts, but wanted to share something with you. I recently found out that a high school teacher of mine, who wrote obscene letters to students, actually offered a 16 y.o. student $50 for sex, and was let go. No criminal charges–lucky him. The letters may just be the tip of the iceberg. Your husband has some very serious problems that could become your children’s serious problems. I would advise living apart from him at this time. He is dangerous not only to you, but your children and other children who may come into your home.

Get yourself some help and have him move out!!!

You and your family are in my prayers.
 
I have twice tried to post this reply but get the “this page can’t be displayed” bit. Here goes again:

Sparkle, have you tried to find out whether you are in a valid marraige? You mentioned that you have only been Catholic two years and your husband isn’t Catholic. Have either of you been married before? Has he been baptised? You might have a Pauline Privilege situation here.

I know many on this forum probably think there are too many annulments for psychological reasons/lack of capacity to consent, etc. But, does anyone who has read this thread really think Sparkle’s husband is capable now of consneting to a life-long, faithful union. Given that his addiction to porn pre-dates the marriage, isn’t it likely that he lacked the knowledge, capacity and intention of forming a life-long faithful union. Given that he was actively decieving Sparkle about his psychosexual addiction and problems, how free a consent was she able to give?

I think you should talk about the validity of your marriage with a good priest.

Also, real men don’t look. ALL of the men I know would avert their eyes from scantily clad women of any age, and especially from over-sexed children. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM! HE has a serious, deep, long-standing problem. It has nothing to do with the immodest dress of poorly-reared or acting-out teens.
 
LilyoftheValley–My heavens, dear! Haven’t you heard the old maxim that “If you haven’t got something kind to say, don’t say anything”??? Your comments were unnecessary and uncharitable. Please let’s all remember to be kind in our remarks.
 
If this guy is at all going to be a threat to your children, get out and get out fast. Attempting a second marriage is what is wrong, physically separating is not.
 
God bless you and keep you sparkle. A heavy cross indeed. I will remember you in my prayers. Have faith.
 
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sparkle:
…Benedictus: It’s not teens, it the way they dress which is a total stumbling block for men!!! Bare midriffs, g-strings totally sticking up above their jeans, etc., etc., Fathers of daughters --be aware of this. It’s unlikely grown women dress like they’re so desperate for men’s attention, it’s the teens of today throwing this in men’s faces. …~~
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Although I do wish kids would dress differently, it IS NOT the teen’s fault that there are “desperate men” ogling them. Put the blame where it belongs, on the “looker” and NOT the “lookee”
~ Kathy ~
 
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Katie1723:
Although I do wish kids would dress differently, it IS NOT the teen’s fault that there are “desperate men” ogling them. Put the blame where it belongs, on the “looker” and NOT the “lookee”
~ Kathy ~
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While I agree that the ogler bears the sin of ogling, I disagree that there is no fault on the part of the oglee. Let’s be honest. Young women dress the way they do precisely because they want men to look at them. It certainly isn’t because those clothes are comfortable.

If I walk down a city street at night throwing money into the air, I bear a certain personal responsibility if I get robbed. No, it’s not my fault and the sin lies with the robber, but I have a responsibility to be concerned for my own well being and not to place myself in a position where I induce another to sin. I believe it is called “causing scandal”.

Nobody these days takes any personal responsibility for anything.

:cool:
 
La Chiara:
LilyoftheValley–My heavens, dear! Haven’t you heard the old maxim that “If you haven’t got something kind to say, don’t say anything”??? Your comments were unnecessary and uncharitable. Please let’s all remember to be kind in our remarks.
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I second your motion. Offensive post deleted due to lack of charity. Charity is a rule here at CA Forums, not a suggestion.
 
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OhioBob:
While I agree that the ogler bears the sin of ogling, I disagree that there is no fault on the part of the oglee. Let’s be honest. Young women dress the way they do precisely because they want men to look at them. It certainly isn’t because those clothes are comfortable.

If I walk down a city street at night throwing money into the air, I bear a certain personal responsibility if I get robbed. No, it’s not my fault and the sin lies with the robber, but I have a responsibility to be concerned for my own well being and not to place myself in a position where I induce another to sin. I believe it is called “causing scandal”.

Nobody these days takes any personal responsibility for anything.

:cool:
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I agree that the young women need to take some responsibility. However, I don’t think these girls are told what effect they have on men. My mother always told me to be careful of how I dress and act so as to not get the boys all “excited”. Many of my friends who are now in their 40’s admit that they dressed provocatively, but had NO IDEA that it was immodest or may have provoked young men to sin. They just thought they were “cute” or “sexy” without a thought as to what that meant. Their parents did not ever limit what they could wear, nor did they discuss modesty with them. I believe this is true of girls today. I’ll bet none of their parents, including their fathers (many of whom are absentee dads), NEVER discuss immodest dress or why one should not dress that way.

I’m not excusing the girls, just trying to explain that teenaged girls, for the most part have no clue what they are doing to men/boys by their dress. Parents need to take charge and tell their daughters not to go out looking like tramps.
 
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Giannawannabe:
I agree that the young women need to take some responsibility. However, I don’t think these girls are told what effect they have on men…
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I appreciate your thoughts and I agree that many parents probably haven’t had the talk about modesty in dress, but as the parent of a couple of teens, I believe that young girls today know exactly what effect their clothing has. The media, music, TV and popular culture creates the model for decency and demonstrates the anticipated “results” in the opposite sex. Society today has pretty much stripped away innocence.

I’m not talking about young children and adolescents, but by 15, girls are a lot more astute than most people give them credit for being. They know the effects of their actions and they should be responsible for the image they put out.

I agree that many parents have dropped the ball and let the kids take charge. It’s pretty hard for a parent to keep up, but I’m pedalling as fast as I can. :cool:
 
Hey–1st what is up with all the problems on this forum? I’ve written and then it says server is busy or disfunctional. Hope it gets fixed soon.

Thx all----Katie: you’re right the problem IS with the oggler. Can’t blame it on the teens.

Lily: It’s OK, I have a feeling where you’re coming from friend. And I know you mean well, you always do.

Someone who mentioned above about validity of the marriage. Gosh this is heavy. Considering my H was never faithful, but rather porn addicted, yes, our entire marriage, I just don’t know. This makes me certainly feel like, gosh he never knew how to love me from the beginning, and our marriage meant nothing. :confused: Maybe you’re right though. I do know this in the depths of my soul and heart. It is sad, but I’ve been thru it, and this is my life, my call, and perhaps God did bring us together for my H’s salvation, as someone mentioned. My deepest desire and prayer is to bring others to Christ, maybe yes, I’m being tested in fire here, for God to grant me my deepest desire. All in all, I have really come to one conclusion, that I do have a H who truly never has known how to love any other person. He has one sick mother, one sick upbringing, and one sick addiction. I could, yes, flee, but this really will not solve anything, as we have a family here, a life, a history and 3 children. I have my cross to bear, as do all of you friends. Just pray for me, OK?

Kay: Thx for sharing what you did in your PM, never thought of it from the girl’s standpoint before. Yes, I almost think H should write her an apology note. How this might have affected her, and disrespected her is something too, isn’t it? YES.
 
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