This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

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To Island Oak:

Thank you friend for your reply. So good to hear from you IO. Yes, I am just soooo exasperated, and yes, perhaps I should have seperated 5 years ago because of all this, but I didn’t. Don’t know why. I am truly in a loveless marriage here, with a man who would rather look at images than have a real realtionship with me. He is sick. But IO, we have a family. He is kind to his kids, he doesn’t abuse me in the least, maybe swearing from time to time, Ok perhaps too much in my book, perhaps a little emotionally absent, OK, but period. His kids love and adore him. How can you say we should just “break it up” and be just another divorce statistic? Seperate? many have told me this? Suppose what I am so begging for here friends are some Godly people to help me to be faithful to an un-Godly man. He does not abuse me or the kids, his judgment is not so good, he’s porn-addicted, but all the same, do you not think God might be calling US to be strong? To be examples to Jesus? To withstand trials of this world? If nothing for the sake of our children God has given us? I do. I know it is so common to hear just give it up. Your husband is a shi_. Face it. Move On. How I would like to do this, but I just cannot. I promised to God and witnesses, I would be faithful to my commitment to him, my hubby, good or bad. I’m just waiting here for the good. Can you all reading this pray for this for me? I would so appreciate if you could find it in your heart to do so.

God Bless~~

Once again, IO, I appreciate your concern so much. Really, I do wonder, where you come from? what is your story? Are you a single mom? happily married?
 
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sparkle:
To Island Oak:

Thank you friend for your reply. So good to hear from you IO. Yes, I am just soooo exasperated, and yes, perhaps I should have seperated 5 years ago because of all this, but I didn’t. Don’t know why. I am truly in a loveless marriage here, with a man who would rather look at images than have a real realtionship with me. He is sick. But IO, we have a family. He is kind to his kids, he doesn’t abuse me in the least, maybe swearing from time to time, Ok perhaps too much in my book, perhaps a little emotionally absent, OK, but period. His kids love and adore him. How can you say we should just “break it up” and be just another divorce statistic? Seperate? many have told me this? Suppose what I am so begging for here friends are some Godly people to help me to be faithful to an un-Godly man. He does not abuse me or the kids, his judgment is not so good, he’s porn-addicted, but all the same, do you not think God might be calling US to be strong? To be examples to Jesus? To withstand trials of this world? If nothing for the sake of our children God has given us? I do. I know it is so common to hear just give it up. Your husband is a shi_. Face it. Move On. How I would like to do this, but I just cannot. I promised to God and witnesses, I would be faithful to my commitment to him, my hubby, good or bad. I’m just waiting here for the good. Can you all reading this pray for this for me? I would so appreciate if you could find it in your heart to do so.

God Bless~~

Once again, IO, I appreciate your concern so much. Really, I do wonder, where you come from? what is your story? Are you a single mom? happily married?
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Sparkle:
For the sake of your children??? Do you think your kids dont see that their parents dont love each other (as you stated -loveless marriage)…how good is that for them? For your kids…he is addicted to porn and has been in trouble with teen kids…how do you think your kids feel about this…I am sure people in your town talk. I could go on and on…what good are you doing your kids staying with a man this is not good for you or them or himself for that matter?
 
The children have to come before the I. Sparke seems to be saying she takes her vow of lifelong commitment seriously, and that whe is willing to be unselfish for her children. Even in imperfect households (which we all live in) children want their parents together. The scars of separation and divorce are deep. It teaches children through your example to flee instead of love. They will often divorce because of their parents divorcing.

Boys suffer the most when the father is out of the house. Be careful here.
 
Oh so living in the same house as a porn addict and who knows what else…along with not having parents that love each other is ok???
 
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sparkle:
Saint Andrew: Bless your heart. Yes, I believe people give up too easily today, especially in the states, because “they are not happy”, etc., you often hear “I am not happy”, therefore I leave, “have a right to be happy”, etc…phooey, many times at the expense of others, like children. How many times I have seen this among my kids’ friends, and their parents. I feel there is much suffering we Catholic Christians have to endure in this life.
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I agree, people give up on their marriages much too easily. That being said, your situation is one in which separation is understandable. It’s not called giving up - it’s called praying and trying and hoping for 17 years while your marriage gets worse.

Sparkle, you said you wanted to keep the marriage together for the children. Now, I have not read enough of your other posts, as many others here seem to have done, to know much about your home life. BUT - staying together “for the sake of the kids” might not be the best thing for the kids. Are the showing signs of stress? Do they know what their father did at work? If so, I think that is sending a dangerous message, esp. to your daughters if you have any. Yes, Jesus taught forgiveness, but there is a difference between forgiveness and living in what you called hell. You can forgive you husband and still seperate from him. Don’t show your children that they can treat their wives this way/allow their husbands to treat them this way, with this disrespect toward the marriage and the family.

You also have to consider to awful possibility that your husband could proposition on of you childrens’ friends.
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Lilyofthevalley:
Writing letters that suggest sex with a 15 year old isn’t an addiction, it’s called a PREDATOR.
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I tend to agree. This man has a serious problem. Even if this 15 year old was wearing provacative clothing, as someone mentioned, it gives him no right to write her these letters. If he had approaced a grown woman, that would be bad enough, but to approach a student, that suggests a more serious problem that possible infidelity.

I hope I don’t sound like I’ve been too hard on you. I do not mean to be. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! But I think you would be justified to seek a separation; that does not make you weak, a bad mother, a bad Catholic, or anything else negative you might be saying to yourself. I think it’s hard, when you are deep in this kind of situation, to think rationally. And while praying for your husband can work miracles, I have a feeling you’ve been doing that for a long time, and it’s time to try something else in addition to your praying.

And on the topic of therapy…is your husband receptive to that? Does he see that what he’s done is wrong and sinful? I don’t think we here at the forums should take it for granted that your husband is sorry for what he’s done and truly wants to change. He may be in denial, still deep in his problems.
 
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sparkle:
Hi Giannawannebee:

Thank you so much friend for your reply.

As I said, a seperation would not help at this point, only hurt. If there is not a case for abuse or adultery, I feel, as a wife, we must stick with our committment, and pray, pray and pray some more. This is the case with me. But thank you so much for your concern.

Please continue to pray, if you will, Giannawannebee, for my husband and for our situation. I would so much appreciate it. I know prayers do work wonders.

We are going to the Catholic Family Conference today. Am looking so forward to God renewing us both, individually, and as a couple. So excited for it!!!

All the Best to You~~
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How do you know that a seperation would not help? In the long term commitment perspective, you need to ask yourself, does my continuing to stay with my husband help or hinder him to recognize, admit and seek to change those behaviors and attitudes that are incongruent with a marriage honoring to God? There is such a thing as “therapeutic separation” to facilitate needed change coming about. Sounds like your husband needs some incentive, leverage if you will, to recognize, desire and bite at the bit of change.

Would you put up with similiar behavior by a relative/boarderer living in your house and the negative impact upon you and you impressionable children? You seem to trump consideration of all options to promote needed change by deferring to the fact that he is your husband and you made a sacred vow before God to him (even though he is not behaving honorably as a husband nor honoring this sacred trust).

Just my :twocents:.
 
These issues are not impossible to work through and don’t forget God can do anything.

Divorce and separation is all I ever hear nowadays and I am pretty tired of it all.

Could it be that there is much less grace in marriage today. Is God in your marriages or is He just an observer?
 
Oh so living in the same house as a porn addict and who knows what else…along with not having parents that love each other is ok???
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No, but it’s the better option.
Your feminist indoctrination will hate to admit it, but the benefits of a mere presence of a husband in the house outweighs many, many ills.

Besides, Sparkle’s comment about it being a loveless marriage is flat-out false. Love isn’t a feeling. Love is what you do in spite of your feelings.

If every man were so lucky to have a wife that could love like Sparkle loves!

If every child were so lucky to have a mother that loves like Sparkle loves!

I see now why women are so often berated for their tongue. If this were a coffee clutch without the presence of a few masculine perspectives you gals would have Sparkle convinced that she’s a “Fish without a bicycle”.
 
Black Jaque:
No, but it’s the better option.
Your feminist indoctrination will hate to admit it, but the benefits of a mere presence of a husband in the house outweighs many, many ills. :rotfl:** so know I am a feminist because I think what Sparkles hubby does is SICK!!! and I would not want to subject kids to that???**

Besides, Sparkle’s comment about it being a loveless marriage is flat-out false. Love isn’t a feeling. Love is what you do in spite of your feelings. **Yes…she loves and loves her hubby but he does not love her? Is that better?? **

If every man were so lucky to have a wife that could love like Sparkle loves! Sparkle…go for it…Love the guy never said you shouldnt just dont LOVE his actions!

If every child were so lucky to have a mother that loves like Sparkle loves! Clap clap…
I see now why women are so often berated for their tongue. If this were a coffee clutch without the presence of a few masculine perspectives you gals would have Sparkle convinced that she’s a “Fish without a bicycle”. **no we would convice her that her hubby is SICK and she needs to seperate so he can get better if he wants and so she and her kids dont need to be subjected to the filth he wants to pracitce…! **
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**So are you one of those people that feels all woman need to be bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen??? Or that it is ok to beat or mentally abuse their wives?? **
 
Black Jaque:
No, but it’s the better option.
Your feminist indoctrination will hate to admit it, but the benefits of a mere presence of a husband in the house outweighs many, many ills.

Besides, Sparkle’s comment about it being a loveless marriage is flat-out false. Love isn’t a feeling. Love is what you do in spite of your feelings.

If every man were so lucky to have a wife that could love like Sparkle loves!

If every child were so lucky to have a mother that loves like Sparkle loves!

I see now why women are so often berated for their tongue. If this were a coffee clutch without the presence of a few masculine perspectives you gals would have Sparkle convinced that she’s a “Fish without a bicycle”.
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Oh’mgosh - you have hit right on this, I think I linked this before - Love and Respect

Get the book.
 
Karin said:
**So are you one of those people that feels all woman need to be bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen??? Or that it is ok to beat or mentally abuse their wives?? **
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C’mon. That’s so outdated.
 
buffalo and Black Jaque are providing good solid advice.

I am amazed at the gyrations and suppositions used to attempt to justify and advise sparkle to separate or divorce.

How do people determine the impact of a separation or divorce is preferable to the present situation?

Many conclude that the alleged lack of love in the marriage, the use of porn by the man, the possible adultery of the heart, the extrapolation that much worse things MIGHT be happening or COULD happen in the future justify their recommended course of action.

At least in the civil courts a person is innocent until proven guilty. Now this man is guilty of certain things but conclusions about more serious unproven presumptions are unwise and dare I say it, unchristian.

Read your Bible and look to the Church for the answers. If you only look to what is in your heart to determine the truth, you will likely be wrong. Where is your faith? You are counseling sparkle to trust in her self to save her children. Do you not trust God to protect his children? Do you not believe that God the Father will hear her fervent prayer? Have some faith.
 
Oh…how misguided I have been…by all means stay with the guy…perhaps one of these days his porn addiciton will go away, perhaps one of these days he will keep a job, perhaps one of these days he will stick with his therapy, perhaps one of these days he will stop sending suggestive letters to 14 y/o girls and perhaps one of these days he will be a husband to you!
Please forgive me for thinking that there was a serious problem here, it seems that all is in control.
 
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Karin:
Oh…how misguided I have been…by all means stay with the guy…perhaps one of these days his porn addiciton will go away, perhaps one of these days he will keep a job, perhaps one of these days he will stick with his therapy, perhaps one of these days he will stop sending suggestive letters to 14 y/o girls and perhaps one of these days he will be a husband to you!
Please forgive me for thinking that there was a serious problem here, it seems that all is in control.
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Not at all. But you don’t believe in the power of prayer and hope and forgiveness. A person can grow and his life can change in one instant. Ask Fr Corapi.
 
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buffalo:
Not at all. But you don’t believe in the power of prayer and hope and forgiveness. **Sure I do…but I also believe in Tough Love!! **A person can grow and his life can change in one instant. Sure it can…but Sparkle is not saying that her hubby has changed…
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Karin:
But he can. That’s just the point. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would appreciate the fact your spouse prayed for you and had faith that you could change. Sparkle’s sacrifices will help everyone grow even though it always does not look apparent immediately. God works and moves among men in mysterious ways.
 
Hey guys… Don’t be so sarcastic/uncharitable to each other that you get the thread shut down. Sparkle needs to be able to come back here and continue to speak about her situation as needed.
 
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buffalo:
But he can. That’s just the point. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would appreciate the fact your spouse prayed for you and had faith that you could change.Sure i would but she can pray for him and not live with him and subject herself or her kids to his degrading behaviour!! Sparkle’s sacrifices will help everyone grow even though it always does not look apparent immediately. **And perhaps it will only help her…some people change and some people never change. **God works and moves among men in mysterious ways.Yup!
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**Sure the guy can change…he could change as we are writing this. **
 
C S P B:
Many conclude that the alleged lack of love in the marriage, the use of porn by the man, the possible adultery of the heart, the extrapolation that much worse things MIGHT be happening or COULD happen in the future justify their recommended course of action.
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You’re forgetting attempting to commit statutory rape with a young student - ok, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but that is likely what he was hoping would come from his letters. If all the above were the only things with which Sparkle had to deal, I would say give it another try. It is my opinion, however, that she is doing more harm to her children by allowing them to witness this extremely unhealthy marriage than would a temporary separation. She is enabling her husband. We’re not telling her to seperate because her husband forgets to take out the trash or never buys her flowers. Her husband wrote sexually explicit letters to a young teen - that is sick. She needs to be responsible. You say she shouldn’t leave just because something MIGHT happen. Well, if your 15 year old daughter were at Sparkle’s house and was approached or even molested by this man, would you be OK with it as long as it was the first time he’s done something like that? Afterall, we can’t expect Sparkle to protect her children and her children’s firends just because something MIGHT happen - have to wait first for it to actually happen.

I think children do much better when they have a male figure in their lives, but this is not a male figure who seems to be providing a posititve influence. He’s teaching his sons to treat women badly, and teaching his daughters that it’s OK to have a husband who does these kinds of things and no matter what, you have to stay married.

Sometimes, not most times, but once in a while, no father is better than a bad father. I’m not saying he’s a bad father and I’m not saying this is one of those situations, but the situations do exist. Believe me.
 
Karin said:
**Sure the guy can change…he could change as we are writing this. **
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Which is why a temporary separation, while going to counceling, praying and dealing with these problems is the right thing to do.

I know you said that’s not an option, Sparkle, but you asked for our advice.
 
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