This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

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I hate it when people blame the abused. A 14 yo child, female or male should be able to strip naked and throw themselves at an adult. It is the adults reponsiblility to draw the boundries not the childs. 14 yo’d brains are not even fully developed. They are doing what will make them COOOL and there parents allow it. This is in no way an invitation to be sexually assaulted harassed or abused. Repeat it is NEVER the childs fault. End of sentance. End of story.
 
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sparkle:
Kay: Thx for sharing what you did in your PM, never thought of it from the girl’s standpoint before. Yes, I almost think H should write her an apology note. How this might have affected her, and disrespected her is something too, isn’t it? YES.
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Although I haven’t been able to offer any advice, I’ve prayed for you along with the others here. What a horrible situation to be in, but I admire you for how you are handling it. You are still seeking to do the right thing to please God and do what’s best for your family when you could have said “that’s it, this is too hard, I’m done!”

I did think about this girl and how this could have warped her sense of right and wrong about love and sexuality. I think about her parents too and what they must be going through- so much anger. I’m not sure about the suggestion to write her an apology though- as a parent I think it would make me sick. Maybe if one was written to the parents and then let them decide what to share with her or something, but I’m guessing that they don’t want any more contact from your husband to their daughter. Just a thought- I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for the situation regardless. God bless you!
 
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Jodi:
I hate it when people blame the abused. A 14 yo child, female or male should be able to strip naked and throw themselves at an adult. It is the adults reponsiblility to draw the boundries not the childs. 14 yo’d brains are not even fully developed. They are doing what will make them COOOL and there parents allow it. This is in no way an invitation to be sexually assaulted harassed or abused. Repeat it is NEVER the childs fault. End of sentance. End of story.
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Nobody said anything about blaming the abused. I don’t know where you got that from, but if you read that in my comments, I apologize. My comments were merely about the state of teenage fashion today and personal responsibility in the case of “ogling” and not at all related to Sparkles situation with her H or to abuse.
 
Our previous counselor told him every time we went to see him, how important it is for him to get into a group regularly, weekly. He went maybe 3 times, and hasn’t made the effort to go back. When we go to the counselor again (yes he’s a Christian), I will mention that he hasn’t gone to the sexaholics group for a long time. And I need for him to go regularly, which I do. Think he’s got job business on his mind.

I do not enable him, and yes, I am most aware of not doing this, as remember I said his mom did just this.

When my teen son caught the mag under his seat, that was it. I knew something severe had to be done. That’s when I spent 3 days straight making calls looking for a counselor, when finally I found one. I plan on asking him (counselor) how really important God is to him personally, and what role he thinks God plays in a marriage. I will tell him things have slacked as far as H going to group, and I do fear it. etc., etc., We’ll see how it goes, then if I feel I need to find another one, I will. H said he’ll go to confession, after we heard on EWTN how very few Catholics go to a counselor, because they have confession!!! That’s awesome! But he’s not Catholic. Is this a good idea? Should I encourage it? It might help him. How I want it to!!!

Well thanks you all. Seperating at this point would not help, only hurt my family. Honestly, we are not in any danger. My boys adore their Dad. Just pray he’ll be working again soon.
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Sparkle, reread your own words. The guy is going to counseling?! He’s willing to try confession?!

There’s a lot of hope here!

Those first 3 Hail Mary’s in the Rosary? One is for HOPE.
I’ve decided to start going to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. And yes, pray and pray some more.
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You Go Girl!
 
We seem to be in a discussion about how perverted or sick this man is. Well to be sure his actions are wrong and sinful. Also we should keep in mind that our present day values about what age a child becomes an adult. Our values are different in the modern world, but we are the same kind of people have existed throughout history.

We live in a twisted society where sexual innuendo and temptation is everywhere and teenagers dress provocatively. Yet they are protected. I am not using this to justify, but historically things have not always been this way. The design of the human heart has not been changed.

Who will say that this man’s sin is any blacker than the things each of us have done and the secrets contained in our hearts. I will leave that judgement to God. I know God’s forgiveness is bigger that I can fathom.

This man has a twisted view of sexuality but this is not uncommon. John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body” is a wonderful gift that can untwist our worldly view of sex.

What he did was wrong. Leave it to God to judge the severity. God designed men to protect their family. Many seem to be saying “If he could do that, how do we know he hasn’t done more and how do we know that he won’t abuse his children?” The answer is we do not know.

In general, most men’s minds are compartmentalized (one track) while most womens minds are integrated (multitask). A man’s drive to protect his family is in a different compartment than a man’s fallen sexual nature. Let’s not confuse the two and jump to conclusions.

I am not excusing or justifying. Enough of this on this thread.

If people want to discuss the relationship of a twisted sexuality to child endangerment, then start a new thread.
 
Sparkle,
I think it is a great idea for your husband to write an apology to the girl, but I would suggest that it be sent to her parents who would read it and decide when and if to give it to her. She is likely to consider ANY communication from him as harassment.
 
C S P B:
.

What he did was wrong. Leave it to God to judge the severity. God designed men to protect their family. Many seem to be saying “If he could do that, how do we know he hasn’t done more and how do we know that he won’t abuse his children?” The answer is we do not know.
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C S P B,

Probably people are making this type of connection due to personal experience.

In my case, it’s my FIL. All the years I dated my husband, and after we married, my FIL was one to oogle the young ladies. He always had an off color remark to make. Most of these “ladies” were young—teenagers. He had roving eyes, had a porn collection and other such things (similar to Sparkle’s dh). Occasionally, I would remark to my husband how disturbing his behavior was. He would always say, his dad was harmless, that he had never been unfaithful. In the meantime, my poor MIL stopped going to functions with him as it embarrassed her an made her feel uncomfortable. The truth came out shortly before my FIL died. He had molested my husband’s youngest sister for years, with questions as to some other girls (and boys) in the family. This behavior was completely unnoticed by my MIL and everyone else in the family.
I think it is completely relevant to the discussion to question whether Sparkle’s dh’s porn addiction, roving eyes, and obscene notes/attention towards teenaged girls might be red flags indicating more dangerous/troubling behaviors.
 
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Giannawannabe:
C S P B,

Probably people are making this type of connection due to personal experience.

In my case, it’s my FIL. All the years I dated my husband, and after we married, my FIL was one to oogle the young ladies. He always had an off color remark to make. Most of these “ladies” were young—teenagers. He had roving eyes, had a porn collection and other such things (similar to Sparkle’s dh). Occasionally, I would remark to my husband how disturbing his behavior was. He would always say, his dad was harmless, that he had never been unfaithful. In the meantime, my poor MIL stopped going to functions with him as it embarrassed her an made her feel uncomfortable. The truth came out shortly before my FIL died. He had molested my husband’s youngest sister for years, with questions as to some other girls (and boys) in the family. This behavior was completely unnoticed by my MIL and everyone else in the family.
I think it is completely relevant to the discussion to question whether Sparkle’s dh’s porn addiction, roving eyes, and obscene notes/attention towards teenaged girls might be red flags indicating more dangerous/troubling behaviors.
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Thank you Giannawannabe for your angle. I do see it. If I was the responder on a thread posed as such, believe me, I would have said “Your husband is a sicko–get out”. Of course no one can completely understand where another walks, until of course they are in that person’s shoes. Right? But it’s very neat to see everyone’s angle here. It has made me realize alot that maybe I wouldn’t have seen, or need to face.!!! I know!!! Thank you again.

I assure you my H is not a wacko, and we are in no danger whatsoever, me or the kids. I am at least, that competent to intuitively know that or not. Believe me, if I or my kids were in any danger, we would have been outta here so fast, it would not matter if I had a job or had to do whatever. I’m not that dumb. I do have more self-esteem than most, thank the Lord, and thanks to my parents who gave me this in growing up. Please y’all do give me some credit for the smarts I do have. I see your points however. H loves his kids, they love him. He just has a problem. Yes, this all seems like re-hashing which I’m ready to move on. I do appreciate you all for hearing me and responding.

Pray for my H and teen son, as they are on their 1st field trip for the summer now with the Catholic Church I did RCIA in, and which Lord Willing, this teen son will enter confirmation this fall. I also hope my H meets some Catholic folks who might steer him in the Godly direction of learning how to be a man of God. There are just so few today I’m afraid. I’m just staring at my crucifix, praying, “please God work a miracle in my H’s heart”. “Only You convert, not me”. I pray for it so hard. Marriages, families need both parents to be devoted to the Lord. Once again, how lucky you are, if you and your spouse are both Catholics, and more importantly, not just dead, luckwarm ones, just going to Mass because you must, but really fired up ones, willing to take a stand, and not be intimidated in today’s world!!! Praise the Lord!!! So many need you and your witness, like so many here, too many to mention. Consider yourselves so lucky.!!! To be raising your kids together in the faith.

I urge all of you reading this right now, all you who are active in your parishes, maybe leaders, lectors, EM’s, maybe RCIA leaders, youth leaders, whatever, to truly make a difference, to reach out to someone new. You just don’t know how many are so lost, how many need your example!!! I know my H does, and I do too, and I appreciate every Godly woman who comes into my life. For they are a rare jewel, so few and far between, and so very precious. Reach out to someone tomorrow!!! God is counting on all of us to do it!!!

Many Blessings Friends~~
 
I get the feeling that “sparkel” is “pulling our leg”. I get the idea that she is making up a great story to see how we would reply and react…Is this right, Sparkle? The reason I say this is because if you really had this terrible problem with your husband, after all this great advice, and you are still in the situation, it would make NO sense. Those who say to stay, pray, put statues all over the place, are the over-pious who do not have your childrens welfare in mind. I never feel too sorry for an adult, adults can usually take care of themselves. Children, on the other hand, must be protected. SO, if this is a REAL story, then get out and take care of the kids. If you stay, I would have to say you are not the loving caring mom your children deserve. Have you ever been reported to Child Welfare?? You are a huge part of your husbands problem. You allow him to do this by staying, whinning, for fear of not having a man to support you, but he isn’t even doing that!! You can get financial help in many ways. CATHOLIC CHARITIES! Go to your Dept. of Social and Health Services. You don’t have to stay for money or food.

GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!!

Love and peace
 
Mom of 5:
I get the feeling that “sparkel” is “pulling our leg”. I get the idea that she is making up a great story to see how we would reply and react…Is this right, Sparkle? The reason I say this is because if you really had this terrible problem with your husband, after all this great advice, and you are still in the situation, it would make NO sense. Those who say to stay, pray, put statues all over the place, are the over-pious who do not have your childrens welfare in mind. I never feel too sorry for an adult, adults can usually take care of themselves. Children, on the other hand, must be protected. SO, if this is a REAL story, then get out and take care of the kids. If you stay, I would have to say you are not the loving caring mom your children deserve. Have you ever been reported to Child Welfare?? You are a huge part of your husbands problem. You allow him to do this by staying, whinning, for fear of not having a man to support you, but he isn’t even doing that!! You can get financial help in many ways. CATHOLIC CHARITIES! Go to your Dept. of Social and Health Services. You don’t have to stay for money or food.

GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!!

Love and peace
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Thank you “Momof5” for your response. I do appreciate it. But as I said, I honestly don’t think or feel divorce or separation is the answer right now. And no, I surely am not making up this story. What would ever make you think this? Just so needed to vent it, as we all do at times, and thank God for this forum to do so. I ask, could you pray for me? I would appreciate that alot!

God Bless You Momof5~~
 
Hi Sherilo: Thx for asking. Am hangin in there. How are you?

God is good, God is gracious, God has a reason for marriage, despite all our difficulties. I do think there is much reason to stay put, stay together and not let the world tell us “we deserve better”.
 
Sparkle,

I commend you for sticking through your marriage, through thick and thin…

however, there’s more to being a responsible wife/mother than just ‘riding it out’ and relying on prayers (they’re crucial, of course).

Having discerned you are called to remain in this marriage, you now must do everything in your power to provide stability and security for everyone in your family unit.

I get that your instincts are telling you your children are safe from your husband, that you have more ‘sense’ than that. But if you ask the women who found out about their husband’s molestations after the fact, they’d say the same thing. I’m not saying your instincts are wrong, but I’m saying a lot of other bright and savvy women were deceived so being bright and savvy is not enough armour for you to rest comfortably.

You, your children and your husband already know he has a porn problem, whether it’s openly discussed or not, they know. What they don’t know is that the problem isn’t so much the porn as it is your husband’s distorted view of what men and women are about. And it is this distorted view being passed on to the children which keeps the cycle going after they’ve grown and started their own intimate relationships.

So you have the opportunity here to break that cycle, and in the process, bring respect back to your marriage and to restore your hubby’s self-esteem. How?
  1. By insisting he attend the sexaholic meetings once a week (or twice if you think that’s necessary)
  2. Sign yourself and your older children up for whatever sexaholic support groups are designed for those who live with people with that addiction. This is so that the family learns to recognize the distortions surrounding them and how to help their father recover from his addiction.
  3. Continue to seek out and attend Catholic marriage retreats.
  4. Find a reliable Catholic family therapist to work with you and your family.
To remain in the marriage and not do these things, you’re essentially sabatouging your prayers. You pray for help with your husband’s conversion, and God responds by sending his people to your aid. Our posts are part of that response. When you find the right support groups, retreats and therapists, that is God reponding to your prayers as well - through those people.

Bottom line: Do not do this alone and do not shield your eldest children from this reality…let them be part of the process of healing for your husband. He loves them so much, they can make a difference, but they have to have the guidance of specialists to show them how to be the most help. Hopefully the youngest children will have the new, improved dad by the time their hormones kick in and then they’ll have a wonderful role model in their father when they need him most.
 
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YinYangMom:
Sparkle,

I commend you for sticking through your marriage, through thick and thin…

however, there’s more to being a responsible wife/mother than just ‘riding it out’ and relying on prayers (they’re crucial, of course).

Having discerned you are called to remain in this marriage, you now must do everything in your power to provide stability and security for everyone in your family unit.

I get that your instincts are telling you your children are safe from your husband, that you have more ‘sense’ than that. But if you ask the women who found out about their husband’s molestations after the fact, they’d say the same thing. I’m not saying your instincts are wrong, but I’m saying a lot of other bright and savvy women were deceived so being bright and savvy is not enough armour for you to rest comfortably.

You, your children and your husband already know he has a porn problem, whether it’s openly discussed or not, they know. What they don’t know is that the problem isn’t so much the porn as it is your husband’s distorted view of what men and women are about. And it is this distorted view being passed on to the children which keeps the cycle going after they’ve grown and started their own intimate relationships.

So you have the opportunity here to break that cycle, and in the process, bring respect back to your marriage and to restore your hubby’s self-esteem. How?
  1. By insisting he attend the sexaholic meetings once a week (or twice if you think that’s necessary)
  2. Sign yourself and your older children up for whatever sexaholic support groups are designed for those who live with people with that addiction. This is so that the family learns to recognize the distortions surrounding them and how to help their father recover from his addiction.
  3. Continue to seek out and attend Catholic marriage retreats.
  4. Find a reliable Catholic family therapist to work with you and your family.
To remain in the marriage and not do these things, you’re essentially sabatouging your prayers. You pray for help with your husband’s conversion, and God responds by sending his people to your aid. Our posts are part of that response. When you find the right support groups, retreats and therapists, that is God reponding to your prayers as well - through those people.

Bottom line: Do not do this alone and do not shield your eldest children from this reality…let them be part of the process of healing for your husband. He loves them so much, they can make a difference, but they have to have the guidance of specialists to show them how to be the most help. Hopefully the youngest children will have the new, improved dad by the time their hormones kick in and then they’ll have a wonderful role model in their father when they need him most.
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Thank you Yin Yang. You are most right. Please pray for us this upcoming weekend when we all attend the Catholic Family Conference. Appreciate so much your prayers!!!
 
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YinYangMom:
Sparkle,

I commend you for sticking through your marriage, through thick and thin…

however, there’s more to being a responsible wife/mother than just ‘riding it out’ and relying on prayers (they’re crucial, of course).

Having discerned you are called to remain in this marriage, you now must do everything in your power to provide stability and security for everyone in your family unit.

I get that your instincts are telling you your children are safe from your husband, that you have more ‘sense’ than that. But if you ask the women who found out about their husband’s molestations after the fact, they’d say the same thing. I’m not saying your instincts are wrong, but I’m saying a lot of other bright and savvy women were deceived so being bright and savvy is not enough armour for you to rest comfortably.

You, your children and your husband already know he has a porn problem, whether it’s openly discussed or not, they know. What they don’t know is that the problem isn’t so much the porn as it is your husband’s distorted view of what men and women are about. And it is this distorted view being passed on to the children which keeps the cycle going after they’ve grown and started their own intimate relationships.

So you have the opportunity here to break that cycle, and in the process, bring respect back to your marriage and to restore your hubby’s self-esteem. How?
  1. By insisting he attend the sexaholic meetings once a week (or twice if you think that’s necessary)
  2. Sign yourself and your older children up for whatever sexaholic support groups are designed for those who live with people with that addiction. This is so that the family learns to recognize the distortions surrounding them and how to help their father recover from his addiction.
  3. Continue to seek out and attend Catholic marriage retreats.
  4. Find a reliable Catholic family therapist to work with you and your family.
To remain in the marriage and not do these things, you’re essentially sabatouging your prayers. You pray for help with your husband’s conversion, and God responds by sending his people to your aid. Our posts are part of that response. When you find the right support groups, retreats and therapists, that is God reponding to your prayers as well - through those people.

Bottom line: Do not do this alone and do not shield your eldest children from this reality…let them be part of the process of healing for your husband. He loves them so much, they can make a difference, but they have to have the guidance of specialists to show them how to be the most help. Hopefully the youngest children will have the new, improved dad by the time their hormones kick in and then they’ll have a wonderful role model in their father when they need him most.
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Sparkle, I agree with this completely. Also, don’t just pray for God to change your husband, but pray to be more like Jesus.
 
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sparkle:
Thank you Yin Yang. You are most right. Please pray for us this upcoming weekend when we all attend the Catholic Family Conference. Appreciate so much your prayers!!!
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You are most certainly in my prayers.
Please let us know how the conference went.

Peace.

YYM
 
Mom of 5:
I get the feeling that “sparkel” is “pulling our leg”. I get the idea that she is making up a great story to see how we would reply and react…Is this right, Sparkle? The reason I say this is because if you really had this terrible problem with your husband, after all this great advice, and you are still in the situation, it would make NO sense…
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!!

Love and peace
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This thought occurred to me as well…mostly because I have engaged in many a debate with Sparkle about lifestyle issues, parenting, women’s roles, etc…and honestly feel a little misled by the tone and message in past posts now knowing some of what was really going on.

However, the far more important issue is the dire situation in which Sparkle finds herself assuming what she describes is fact. She is tied to a man who has repeatedly deceived her in a variety of ways for almost two decades. That’s not a behavior pattern that is likely to change. What possible future she sees with a man like this or what positive influence she believes he can have on the moral character of their children is beyond me. The MOST IMPORTANT task of a husband and father is to be a role model of moral leadership in the household. This man is a self-absorbed pervert and a liar whose destructive behavior has publicly and privately humiliated his wife, leaving her understandably demoralized and threatens to undermine the very existence of their family life and home.

I would second all those who advocated some period of separation. It will take something drastic to turn this ship around and the initiative and effort needs to come from her husband. Without a major disruption is his life, I fail to see an impetus for him to change 17 years of lies, emotional adultery, selfishness, hedonism and porn addiction. In my book he crossed an inviolable line when he attempted to involve a minor child in his web of perversion. Without major intervention, counseling and demonstrated, sustained change in his conduct I would have removed my children and myself from that house 5 years ago.

Sparkle…I will be add you to my prayers and hope that God comforts you in your sorrow, pain and disappointment, yet also lends you the strength and courage to take action for your own sake and that of your children.
 
Mom of 5:
I get the feeling that “sparkel” is “pulling our leg”. I get the idea that she is making up a great story to see how we would reply and react…Is this right, Sparkle? The reason I say this is because if you really had this terrible problem with your husband, after all this great advice, and you are still in the situation, it would make NO sense. Those who say to stay, pray, put statues all over the place, are the over-pious who do not have your childrens welfare in mind. I never feel too sorry for an adult, adults can usually take care of themselves. Children, on the other hand, must be protected. SO, if this is a REAL story, then get out and take care of the kids. If you stay, I would have to say you are not the loving caring mom your children deserve. Have you ever been reported to Child Welfare?? You are a huge part of your husbands problem. You allow him to do this by staying, whinning, for fear of not having a man to support you, but he isn’t even doing that!! You can get financial help in many ways. CATHOLIC CHARITIES! Go to your Dept. of Social and Health Services. You don’t have to stay for money or food.

GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!!

Love and peace
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I also had some feeling that Sparkle was not being completely up front about her situation----also due to some of her other posts. I hope that is not the case.
I stand by my previous posts in this thread. A period of separation----not divorce----in order to remove yourself and your children from a perverse and unsafe situation. This is completely in line with Catholic teaching. You can continue to pray for your husband and make sure there are visits with the kids. However, he needs to demonstrate to you that he is going to work on and stop his disgusting behavior over a long period of time before you should consider taking him back into your home.
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
 
Hi Giannawannebee:

Thank you so much friend for your reply.

As I said, a seperation would not help at this point, only hurt. If there is not a case for abuse or adultery, I feel, as a wife, we must stick with our committment, and pray, pray and pray some more. This is the case with me. But thank you so much for your concern.

Please continue to pray, if you will, Giannawannebee, for my husband and for our situation. I would so much appreciate it. I know prayers do work wonders.

We are going to the Catholic Family Conference today. Am looking so forward to God renewing us both, individually, and as a couple. So excited for it!!!

All the Best to You~~
 
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