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Hoosier_Daddy
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Absolutely.
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Jay417
Guest
I try and lead my wife to the right choices in all things, and she always took it well. She deferred to me in every major decision. I am the head of my household. Yet not she fights me for control, she argues with me when I tell her our marriage is not going to fail and that divorce is not an option. On here I am venting and frustrated, but to her I am calm and in control. The exception, when I was first blind sided I lost my control and showed my true feelings. A mistake I never plan to make again. For those giving advice about Atlanta, what is the cost of therapy through the archdiocese? Just getting things in order.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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This is a concerning thought process. If you vow to never show your true feeling to your wife again, I am afraid you are as much of a lost sheep as she is. How can you lead if you are not in union with her. If your wife was posting I would be harsh to her, but she isn’t, you are. You need counseling and help yourself. You are wounded and damaged. You cannot help her this way. Help yourself.
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Jay417
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I fear this as well. Her best friend is not married, but is in a long term relationship. She is a good person, and not the type to indulge in bad behavior or encourage it. My wife says that she never experienced these places before, and that she rarely sees her friend (she lives two hours away) so she wants this as a one time experience. I don’t like it, but I do trust my wife not to cheat on me. Neither of us have ever behaved that poorly. I am trying to strike a balance between controlling my wife completely and allowing her some life experiences that are different from my own. We set a time in which she must be home, and agreed to check in via phone throughout the evening, and she promised she would abide by it. She is not a bad person, and because of that I really do trust her. I go out every Monday night and bowl with a local group. My wife usually works Mondays but attends from time to time. She looks at going to a club or concert with her friend “maybe once every two or three months” as a similar thing. She did invite me to accompany them on future outings.
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Jay417
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let me put it another way. I showed my true feelings inappropriately without taking the time to calm down and act rationally. I had a moment of acting on my feelings without thinking.
But yes I need help as well, and I am actively seeking it today.
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KnitNut
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I still say this thing is all too fresh, and you’re both feeding into it. She’s poking at you to see if you are going to blow up again. I don’t blame her - she wants to know how firm the foundation is. Likewise, if you’re buying her gifts, etc…perhaps she’s wondering if you’re trying to buy her compliance with the kids thing. In an atmosphere thick with distrust, disappointment, fear, and anger, I’d see gifts, date nights, etc, as furthering the discord via bribery or covert (one-sided) contracts. First, right your ship. Then send gifts.
And you…in the span of 20 days we’ve seen an initial post 14APR- NO KIDS EVAH!, to your update 20APR- ADOPTING YAY!, to today-TURN FOR THE WORST!!! I understand you’re venting…but that kind of emotional lability and all/nothing thinking is going to sabotage any effort you make in this situation. Seriously, counseling for you will help you both in dealing with your wife and in dealing with yourself. It has been a MONTH. The dust from this type of upheaval could linger a long while…getting wound up because in 2 weeks there’s still emotion, that’s not strong, nor is it helping your cause. What happens if adoption doesn’t go smoothly? What happens if she agrees to try again and miscarries again? Start building the skills now to deal with life’s glitches down the road…because I guarantee there will be glitches, whether it’s with kids or work or family or whatever.
And you…in the span of 20 days we’ve seen an initial post 14APR- NO KIDS EVAH!, to your update 20APR- ADOPTING YAY!, to today-TURN FOR THE WORST!!! I understand you’re venting…but that kind of emotional lability and all/nothing thinking is going to sabotage any effort you make in this situation. Seriously, counseling for you will help you both in dealing with your wife and in dealing with yourself. It has been a MONTH. The dust from this type of upheaval could linger a long while…getting wound up because in 2 weeks there’s still emotion, that’s not strong, nor is it helping your cause. What happens if adoption doesn’t go smoothly? What happens if she agrees to try again and miscarries again? Start building the skills now to deal with life’s glitches down the road…because I guarantee there will be glitches, whether it’s with kids or work or family or whatever.
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pianistclare
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Read my post. You pay what you can afford.
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Jay417
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I am trying to right my marriage in every way I know how, by doing things that I know make her feel loved and appreciated. She asked for that. Now she is asking for freedom and space, so I am giving that too. I know I have been wild in posting, but this is a painful and wildly confusing time for me.
I made an appointment with a therapist in my area for both of us tomorrow afternoon.
Also, I did my soul searching and I can honestly answer that even if we never have children or adopt I still love my wife and will not give up on our marriage. I told her those exact words and her response was, “I don’t know if I can stay in our marriage after your emotional outburst when all this began. You hurt me deeply, and now I don’t know if I can love you anymore”
I told her, “we hurt each other badly, I accept my responsibility in it and apologize with all that I am, and I promise we will get through this”
She says she wants to try, but doesn’t feel she will ever love me again.
So everyone is on the same page I am guilty of saying I wasn’t ready to give up on kids, that I felt she lied to me in the past, and that she was harming our sacrament. I did not curse or call her names or make threats, in tears of frustration I told her those simple facts, and then when she said she was relieved by the miscarriages I cried and asked her if sex scared her, and she secretly hated that too? Later on she approached me about sex and I told her I wasn’t sure I could be sexual with her until I felt better about things. That’s what she is so angry about, those sentences she says she cannot forgive.
I made an appointment with a therapist in my area for both of us tomorrow afternoon.
Also, I did my soul searching and I can honestly answer that even if we never have children or adopt I still love my wife and will not give up on our marriage. I told her those exact words and her response was, “I don’t know if I can stay in our marriage after your emotional outburst when all this began. You hurt me deeply, and now I don’t know if I can love you anymore”
I told her, “we hurt each other badly, I accept my responsibility in it and apologize with all that I am, and I promise we will get through this”
She says she wants to try, but doesn’t feel she will ever love me again.
So everyone is on the same page I am guilty of saying I wasn’t ready to give up on kids, that I felt she lied to me in the past, and that she was harming our sacrament. I did not curse or call her names or make threats, in tears of frustration I told her those simple facts, and then when she said she was relieved by the miscarriages I cried and asked her if sex scared her, and she secretly hated that too? Later on she approached me about sex and I told her I wasn’t sure I could be sexual with her until I felt better about things. That’s what she is so angry about, those sentences she says she cannot forgive.
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heidi_storage
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I’m sorry. I think she’s going to divorce you eventually–I certainly hope I’m wrong–and you should keep lots of records and try to ensure that she doesn’t shut you out of your joint accounts or kick you out of your house. I just keep seeing a pattern here: “Do this, or I’ll divorce you.” You do it, and she moves on to the next demand: “Do THIS, or I’ll divorce you.” Perhaps God will change her heart, but if He does not, I don’t think she intends to stay in the marriage.
Get counseling at least for yourself, but don’t go to someone who encourages you to play along with your wife’s demands. I definitely wouldn’t support her going clubbing. Returning to church would be a much better option.
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Jay417
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I don’t think I can survive that. I’m just being honest. I mean I really meant it when I took my vows. I did not take them lightly.
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Jay417
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If anyone else has been in this situation please tell me how you began to fix it. I do not want a divorce, and I don’t believe she does either, I think she is hurt and scared, and having a bit of a crisis as 30 approaches.
The mass factor I am trying to fix, I am going to offer to drive an hour to another parish. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to go to our parish anymore, because she says people ask too much of us there, ministries and such. I will take her to another church for a while and see if that helps at all.
The mass factor I am trying to fix, I am going to offer to drive an hour to another parish. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to go to our parish anymore, because she says people ask too much of us there, ministries and such. I will take her to another church for a while and see if that helps at all.
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heidi_storage
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I’m not saying you should divorce her; I just think she’s on the road to divorcing you. She may very well be scared; she’s not acting rationally. You can’t fix her irrationality. It’d be great if she went back to church, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
No matter what happens, cling to God.
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pensmama87
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Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that will make your wife stay. We cannot control the actions of others, as much as we might like to when we feel they are being absolutely ridiculous. (Even God doesn’t try to force us to do anything.)
What you need to focus on is care and counseling for yourself so that you can be a good husband to her. She needs help too, but I suspect (and a few other posters have mentioned this too) that the way you are approaching that is turning her off and pushing her away further. I’m not saying that to blame you - nobody’s a perfect husband or wife - but hopefully you will find a good counselor who can help you figure out an effective way to talk to her. Even if you do all that, it is not a guarantee. But you will know that you are doing all that you can, and giving up is definitely not going to help your marriage survive.
With all that, keep in mind that these things take time. I have been in counseling before, and I have done couples counseling before, too. It takes a looooonnnnng time for old habits to die and new patterns to start. There are hiccups and bad days and weeks or months when it feels like zero progress. I’m impatient so I have a really hard time with that. I want it to go poof! and have it be the way it’s supposed to be. But you’re doing a marathon, not a sprint here - if, say, your marriage right now is a couch potato, would you want to try running 26.2 miles tomorrow? Even if you were good with 5ks, or even 10ks, would you jump to 26.2 right away?
Praying for you, OP.
What you need to focus on is care and counseling for yourself so that you can be a good husband to her. She needs help too, but I suspect (and a few other posters have mentioned this too) that the way you are approaching that is turning her off and pushing her away further. I’m not saying that to blame you - nobody’s a perfect husband or wife - but hopefully you will find a good counselor who can help you figure out an effective way to talk to her. Even if you do all that, it is not a guarantee. But you will know that you are doing all that you can, and giving up is definitely not going to help your marriage survive.
With all that, keep in mind that these things take time. I have been in counseling before, and I have done couples counseling before, too. It takes a looooonnnnng time for old habits to die and new patterns to start. There are hiccups and bad days and weeks or months when it feels like zero progress. I’m impatient so I have a really hard time with that. I want it to go poof! and have it be the way it’s supposed to be. But you’re doing a marathon, not a sprint here - if, say, your marriage right now is a couch potato, would you want to try running 26.2 miles tomorrow? Even if you were good with 5ks, or even 10ks, would you jump to 26.2 right away?
Praying for you, OP.
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nodito
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Atlanta has some GREAT churches. It’s been five years since I lived there but St. Thomas More in Decatur had two very faithful, devoted priests at the time. Christ the King Cathedral has a lot of resources and is another great parish. Call one of those churches until you find someone to talk to.
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pianistclare
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Also, I recommend the Jesuit Spiritual Directors at Ignatius House.
Same deal…pay what you can afford.
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kptrs
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I honestly think you may have gotten to the root of all this right here (the bolder part). She’s been stuffing down these feelings for three years and is now blowing up. She hasn’t been honest with herself, and therefore couldn’t be honest with you, about wanting kids. Deep down she never really wanted kids but convinced herself that she would want them eventually. Now that “the time has come” to get pregnant, she is finally being honest with herself and you that she doesn’t want them.
Just a thought. I’m no psychiatrist, but it’s a possibility.
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Jay417
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I like that analogy. I am by nature impatient as well. I love my wife and I am willing to work on this day by day. A great friend gave me some advice, or rather his wife did, she said my wife is scared right now and flailing about. She said right now let her have her moment with her friends, but then pull her close. Take her out to places that meant a lot to you as a couple, fall in love with her again. Treat it as though you are newly in love again and forget about children. In time if God wills it a child will come, if not just be happy you have a companion in life. That’s the thing too, at first I was worried about not having kids, now I only want to make sure I don’t lose my wife and the life we have. God knows I love her too much to toss her away, and she loves me too, right now she is just lost.
The church thing is still shocking me. We are both catholic, nobody converted for the other or anything like that. She was heavily involved in the church because she wanted to be. Now she isn’t sure she wants to be catholic at all anymore. That same friend said she may be having a crisis as she approaches thirty. I wonder if it’s just more of her attitude, I mean she changes jobs on a whim about every 2 years. She loves making minor changes to our home monthly etc… a few months ago she mentioned wanting to redecorate a spare bedroom and mentioned a desire to quit her job and find a new one. She does this, and I am wondering if now her desire to not have kids is part of that change, and her sudden wishy washy attitude about marriage too. Either way we are seeing a therapist next Wednesday. She is a local secular therapist, but she seems sincere and called her self a non divorce counselor.
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Jay417
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I think that is a big part of it. I just want to help her get better, to show her I love her no matter what, but she won’t accept it, she just keeps on saying I hurt her feelings, so now she may not love me again. I tell her I’m hurt too, but I love her just the same. She responds, well we’re different people, I don’t give second chances when I get hurt.I honestly think you may have gotten to the root of all this right here (the bolder part). She’s been stuffing down these feelings for three years and is now blowing up. She hasn’t been honest with herself, and therefore couldn’t be honest with you, about wanting kids. Deep down she never really wanted kids but convinced herself that she would want them eventually. Now that “the time has come” to get pregnant, she is finally being honest with herself and you that she doesn’t want them.
Just a thought. I’m no psychiatrist, but it’s a possibility.
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kptrs
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Ouch. That’s horrible! Praying for you, your wife, and your marriage. :console:
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slh3016
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Surely, this is not the first time her feelings have ever been hurt in her life
Has she forgiven you or others in the past when they have hurt her feelings? If so, it sounds as if what was actually said was something that cut her to her very core, whether you intended for it to or not. It’s like the “words and toothpaste analogy”…one you squirt it out, you can’t get it back in. I’m really sorry for you both in this. I’ve been hurt that deeply by people before and when you are still raw from it, forgiveness is hard to conceive. Honestly, time and intentional action on your part are the only things that are going to heal that gaping wound. The key word here is TIME.There is a book called “The Love Dare” that is extremely popular in Protestant circles (the book is the basis of the movie “Fireproof”) that I would HIGHLY suggest you pick up a copy from Amazon or LifeWay. It is a 40-day “love dare” process of showing love to your spouse, but THE KEY is to not let your spouse see the book or know what you are even doing. Each day has a devotional and a challenge at the end. It also has a place for journaling. Just finish out the 40 days and see what happens. I would caution you against starting the “dare” immediately, though. Give it a couple of weeks so she is not suspicious that you are up to something
For instance, the “dare” for Day 1 is to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. The devotional is “Love is patient.”
Day 2 builds on Day 1 so you repeat the Day 1 challenge but add one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
I beg you, go find that book somewhere and at least take a look at it.
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