Want to get married, but don't want children

[Diamond93]

How exactly do you know that pregnancy and childbirth automatically cause a woman to suffer immensely if you have never been pregnant or given birth?

Because I know myself well enough to know that it would cause a great deal of suffering to me. I’m very sensitive to a lot of kinds of physical pain, and don’t react well to a lot of stress. I know that pregnancy would push me way beyond what I can handle, as it’s both stressful and painful. I loathe the idea of having a fat, protruding stomach that would get in my way of doing everything and having random strangers you pass by look at your stomach and try to touch it, and I’m huge on personal space with strangers, so that would drive me nuts. I hate the idea of swollen ankles, feeling like I need to use the restroom 24/7, having to waddle around everywhere, I could go on and on you get the point.

And I’m also huge on horseback riding and exercising, which you can’t do while pregnant. That would be really hard on me and I would be miserable without being able to horseback ride and exercise, two of my biggest passions in life. I would be in such bad shape if I had to give those up, as they keep me feeling good physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

In short, I wouldn’t just suffer physically with pregnancy- I’d suffer mentally and emotionally equally, if not more.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I can see we aren’t going to change your mind on this subject despite the voices of experience telling you they’ve been there. We will pray for your discernment and that the transformative power of love and the Holy Spirit will soften your heart toward children even if they are not your own.

Women who do not become mothers are often called to many sorts of spiritual motherhood. You will be called to grow in selflessness nomatter your path.

 

[Psalm30]

You know yourself better than any of us here. No one can tell you not to feel the way you feel.

The bottom line is that openness to children is part and parcel of marriage. You simply cannot have one without the other. I would advise you to look up some good Catholic resources on why this is so, and maybe that will help you understand that you cannot possibly enter into a valid marriage with the attitude you have toward pregnancy, childbirth, and children in general. God bless.

 

[Diamond93]

You know yourself better than any of us here. No one can tell you not to feel the way you feel.

Thank you for saying this. It’s been hard to lay my feelings out here like this, knowing that I would get labelled as immature and selfish, when I’m neither of those things. I just have an extreme aversion to having children and have felt this way for as long as I can remember. It’s frustrating that I desire one thing so deeply (marriage) but am so against the other part that goes hand-in-hand with it (having kids). I don’t understand why God has to make things so hard on me. Why does He make it so hard to follow Him sometimes? Why did He have to make having children a part of marriage? Why couldn’t He have made that part optional? He knew that He’d create women like me who don’t want kids. So why does He have to make it so that we’re not allowed to get to experience one of the greatest joys of life if we don’t agree to the other part that would cause me so much pain?

 

[jlc2k2]

I ask again, do you have any families with children that you actually spend time with? You complain of having to quit exercising but that’s not actually something you would have to give up. I suggest having a conversation with for gyn on that subject. My doctor recommended that I start exercising with each of my pregnancies.

 

[Diamond93]

I ask again, do you have any families with children that you actually spend time with? You complain of having to quit exercising but that’s not actually something you would have to give up. I suggest having a conversation with for gyn on that subject. My doctor recommended that I start exercising with each of my pregnancies.

I’ve spent plenty of time with kids in my life. I used to volunteer with middle schoolers at my old parish for several years, I did VBS for three years, I did an internship coaching kids my last semester of college, and used to work at a children’s ER. I’m also half Mexican, and my mom’s whole side of the family has tons of kids. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of exposure to kids. And I’ve hated a lot of those experiences. I’ve seen the worst side of children, and I never want to commit myself to a life of that.

And yes, I know you can exercise while pregnant but you can’t overdo it or be as strenuous as you want to be. And especially with my form of exercising- boxing and kickboxing. Those aren’t very compatible with pregnancy. And I couldn’t ride horses either, due to the danger of injuring your baby there.

 

[jlc2k2]

For the same reason that bad things happen to good people. Because humanity is in a fallen state. God didn’t make us this way. Sin did.

 

[DarkLight]

Cannot compute… Resisting the urge to fill this thread with cute babies.

I don’t like them that much either. But at this point I’ve pretty much settled on not getting married either.

Sometimes people are still jerks about it, honestly. There’s a lot of our society that seems to think there is something wrong with you if you’re a woman who doesn’t want to have kids. There’s also a lot of stupid stuff around how we treat women’s bodies in general. @Diamond93, you’re absolutely right about the whole touching women’s bellies and other things and there’s a lot of people who kind of treat women’s bodies and women’s choices as public property.

I would ask…do you think your mother was unhappy? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, just, there are a lot of things that can go more or less well. I think sometimes we try to paint motherhood as all sunshine and roses and adorable widdle babies and it can be a shock realizing that’s not what it is, especially if you’re expected to have them and be happy about it all the time. There are some women who don’t really enjoy the younger parts.

There’s also a message in our society that women can’t be really fulfilled without marriage and it’s the answer to your dreams. Which of us wouldn’t want to be swept off our feet by prince charming and taken to live in a castle? That’s not always what happens though.

Finally…I might encourage you to consider religious life. My understanding is much of the same emotional bond can also happen between a woman and her sisters in an order, free from the distractions of outside life and managing a family.

 

[Diamond93]

I would ask…do you think your mother was unhappy? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, just, there are a lot of things that can go more or less well. I think sometimes we try to paint motherhood as all sunshine and roses and adorable widdle babies and it can be a shock realizing that’s not what it is, especially if you’re expected to have them and be happy about it all the time. There are some women who don’t really enjoy the younger parts.

Finally…I might encourage you to consider religious life. My understanding is much of the same emotional bond can also happen between a woman and her sisters in an order, free from the distractions of outside life and managing a family.

My mother was always super happy about having us kids. She’s the best mother ever, and she loves being a mom. Trust me, she has nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact, she’s the stereotypical woman who loves babies, children, motherhood, the whole nine yards.

And I honestly don’t feel called to the religious life. It’s not for me, I already know. But thanks for the suggestion anyways.

 

[DarkLight]

My mother was always super happy about having us kids. She’s the best mother ever, and she loves being a mom. Trust me, she has nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact, she’s the stereotypical woman who loves babies, children, motherhood, the whole nine yards.

Having been on here for a while, there’s a lot of other mothers who don’t feel that way - they’re reasonably happy, but there were bits of it they really hated. And not every woman “mothers” the same way, nor is every man the same sort of father. Some women love having lots and lots of kids and staying home and doing everything with them, but there are also good mothers who work and maybe get outside help sometimes or have dad do part of the childcare (or even stay home!) and don’t have lots of kids…

 

[1ke]

And I’m also huge on horseback riding and exercising, which you can’t do while pregnant.

My sister did mountain climbing up until her 8th month of pregnancy.

You are exaggerating greatly to say you can’t exercise at all. Horseback riding after the first trimester is a no-go but there are many ways to exercise. And you wouldn’t die if you couldn’t ride a horse for six months.

If you don’t want kids and you don’t want to explore why that is with a professional, so be it. But most of what you’ve written is rooted in irrational fear.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My suggestion, spend the next year exploring our Church’s teachings on marriage. What Marriage is vs the cultural ideas about marriage.

The first book, read Fulton J Sheen’s “Three To Get Married”. EWTN offers the book as a free .txt file.

Your parish may offer a subscription to a platform called “FORMED” This will allow you to do a study called “Beloved” on your phone or tablet. If your parish does not do it, then you can subscribe like you would to Netflix.

From there move through other documents from the Vatican, and various Catholic authors.

Get a good, solid concept of Catholic marriage instilled in your mind.

As a long time married lady, I will give you one tiny bit of advice. Romance is fun, but, it comes and goes, Friendship is the solid foundation of marriage.

 

[Clementine14]

I don’t generally like others’ kids, and I don’t enjoy pregnancy. I love my own though, and all the sacrifices are more than worth it. But it’s fine not to want kids. There’s nothing wrong with that. (Also- please don’t judge others’ kids as “brats who terrorize society”; you can never know what is going on with someone else’s child. Some kids are hard, despite good parenting, some are just having a bad day, and some have special needs.)

Where you are wrong, though, is that the requirements for being a good wife are different from the requirements of being a good mother. Your understanding of a Catholic marriage and family are not accurate. Both require tremendous sacrifice and self-giving. When you marry someone, it’s no longer about what you want. You make decisions together about how to spend holidays, what to have for dinner, how to spend free time, how to spend money, where to live, etc. I won’t lie- this is hard. But when you choose to become a wife, your life is not your own anymore. This is really not any different than having children. Many of us on here either wives, or wives and mothers, and have a personal perspective on what a Catholic marriage is. If you’ve never been in a relationship, it would be well worth your while to read up on what a Catholic marriage looks like, and what God’s purpose for a marriage and family are.

And yes, should you marry in the Catholic Church you will be required to declare in front of God and everyone at your wedding that you will accept children. I assume you don’t want to lie in your vows. There’s really no getting around this. Can you always marry outside of the church? Sure. But you mentioned that you love your faith and God, and you owe it to yourself and God to at least become educated about what marriage really is.

 

[TheLittleLady]

its prerequisite that you must be open to having kids,

What would be the way you plan to avoid pregnancy? You could, with the direction of your pastor and agreement of your potential spouse, enter a Josephite marriage. This could be full of romance and friendship, you would simply not engage in the marital act. Even in a Josephite marriage each partner must be open to ending the Josephite arrangement and having normal marital relations.

You would promise before God to “lovingly accept children from God”. There is a difference between “I do not want to be pregnant” and “I will abort any pregnancy”. Where on that scale would you see yourself?

 

[TheLittleLady]

My internet connection is too slow to scroll back thrrough pages and pages, but, I do want to remind you that Pope Pius XII stated in his address to midwives (I prefer to link to Vatican documents, my internet connection is causing trouble today, this is the text from another reliable source):

https://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/P511029.HTM

Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life.

 

[Peeps]

I don’t see anything wrong with not finding babies cute–my husband thinks they all look like Winston Churchill without the cigar.

 

[Sarcelle]

I agree with you.

I had a quarter life crisis which was hard.

I liked the idea of marriage and children but was kind of doubtful about my ability to be a good mother. This made me conflicted.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s a lot better than having kids and finding out you don’t like being a parent.

What then?

It’s not like you can return them.

 

[Sarcelle]

My mother was unhappy with me.

She said if she had to it over again, she would have my siblings but not me. In fact she expressed relief that siblings were not like me.

I have autism so I can’t say I blame her. Autistic kids are challenging.

 

[Diamond93]

My sister did mountain climbing up until her 8th month of pregnancy.

You are exaggerating greatly to say you can’t exercise at all. Horseback riding after the first trimester is a no-go but there are many ways to exercise. And you wouldn’t die if you couldn’t ride a horse for six months.

If you don’t want kids and you don’t want to explore why that is with a professional, so be it. But most of what you’ve written is rooted in irrational fear.

OK, I miswrote as far as saying I couldn’t exercise. I know that you can obviously exercise while pregnant, what I should’ve said is that you can’t exercise strenuously (which is how I currently exercise) and cannot horseback ride throughout your entire pregnancy.

And my fears are not irrational, and I don’t appreciate you being so dismissive of them. There are even more fears that I have besides what I already wrote out before. There are many health complications that can arise during pregnancy (ie. ectopic pregnancy, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, the list goes on and on) that I’m afraid of, and that’s just for the mother. There are even more that could possibly go wrong with the child itself as well. When I worked in the children’s ER, I saw kids come in with all sorts of deformities, defects, diseases, all that horrible stuff. There are so many things that can go wrong with pregnancy and childbirth, and for the child you have. Those are perfectly rational fears to have.

Do you see what I’m getting at? There are so many reasons I don’t want to get pregnant and have a child. What I wrote out before isn’t even all of it.