Ok, so I went back and tried to answer the “fair” question, which isn’t a simple yes-no matter. With a wedding, it is best to assume that nothing ever is!
I’ll tack that on, but meanwhile…
Easter Joy…what section of the country do you live? Because maybe we’re talking about different cultures. Don’t know.
Yes, I do agree that this should be discussed at the time of the engagement but I don’t know how a groom’s parents are to ask the bride “What are you paying for?”
Also, I asked you two question as what was fair or not fair and you neglected to respond to either.
I’ve had one incident concerning groom’s parents who were asked by the bride shortly after the engagement, “What are you paying for?” Hmmmm. The groom’s father, generous man who had paid the full bill for son’s education, asked the lad to lunch and said to him, “I owe you nothing.” He did not owe him a college education but gave it to him. From that education he was able to give his bride a very nice life style.
You did astutely predict that all these problems can have fallout with holidays etc. and the interaction with family. And you are right about that.
Let’s back up, because I’ve been answering this question from one side only and I think you’ve been answering it from a more all-inclusive point of view.
In the ideal world, the bride and groom first have a discussion about what they want and don’t want and what sort of compromises they’re OK with at the beginning, so that they can both have each other’s backs when all these things are decided. They tell each other what sort of concerns they have about their own parents. They point out the possible mine fields in the budding in-law relationship. They each know fairly well what is wanted by the other, what is important, what isn’t, and what is negotiable. They keep talking, which continues throughout their married life. They promise each other not to make any promises to anybody without some sensible period of reflection, even if it is only a day.
Having done this, they have a confidential talk separately with both sets of parents in which they ask the parents to disclose their expectations. If they’re wise, this won’t just be about money. This will be about what the parents think might be happening with regards to bridal attendants and down to the bride’s godmother Aunt Mabel hoping to be able to dish out the cake. Everything they can think of, leaving as few “I thought you knew…” landmines as possible. The bridal couple learns what level of participation their parents hope to have and what their expectations are. They feel out their parents emotions. This communication keeps happening sensitively and discretely on an on-going basis. Each adult child takes the point position in communicating with his or her own parents. The couple expresses everything in terms of “we have decided” or “we think we might want” rather than laying any desire on the back of just one of them.
The parents, meanwhile, realize that a) weddings take many forms these days, b) people go kind of nuts when it comes to putting on a wedding, and c) no matter what anybody says or pays, there is a limit to how much control they have over this function. Sometimes, these things take on a life of their own. The relationships they have with their adult child and their future in-laws are ultimately what is the most important.
All in all, the ideal is that no one concerns themselves with what is fair except to bend over backwards to make everyone else feel they’ve been treated fairly.
If there is ANY time that the following applies to the ultimate degree, it is when two families are putting on a wedding!!
If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any compassion and mercy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but (also) everyone for those of others. Phil. 2:1-4
The only thing I would caution is to avoid being so humble that others do not know things about your hopes that they would want to know. Don’t say something does not matter to you when it does. That can be pride talking! Just remember when you tell others what you hope for to also be clear that you expect everyone will have to give in for such a happy and complicated day. You had your day as a bride or a groom, and within the prudent limits of your finances, your emotional and other capacities, and the number of hours you have at your disposal before the wedding day, you feel it is your turn to go to the background and do whatever is necessary to make this day a pleasure to all concerned.
…Once again, we are paying for the wedding. The groom’s parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner. My bride wanted the groom’s parents’ names on the invitation, and since it mattered to her it was fine with me. Their names are on.
