What do girls search in guys?

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EasterJoy said:
…My impression is that the whole point of the thread is to avoid being the guy everyone wishes they had married from the vantage point of wise old age, but that no one did actually marry. I cannot blame him from wanting to be preserved from that tragedy.
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Brilliant! 👍
 
chevalier said:
I tend to agree. But there’s just that point in life when you need to stay true to yourself even if that means eating some flak.
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Funny! Just after I posted I thought the same too, and so deleted my remark… well, I thought I deleted it… 🙂

(And, EasterJoy, your remark is brilliant, but it does start us off again on how much one should remodel themself to attract someone… )
 
Well my husband always says (and even though it is funny it is true) that there are three “unforgivable” flaws in a guy from women’s perspective. You can be two of these things and get a woman, but not all three. 1. Ugly, 2. Poor, 3. Stupid .

Now what I look for in a man is confidence (not to be mixed up with cockiness), humor, physical attraction, someone who has a love of family, loyalty, and of course a love of God. Some of the biggest pet peeves are cockiness, pushy guys, guys who send mixed signals, and controlling guys. Start off with having good friendships with females and get comfortable around them, then you can go for the romance.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Funny! Just after I posted I thought the same too, and so deleted my remark… well, I thought I deleted it… 🙂

(And, EasterJoy, your remark is brilliant, but it does start us off again on how much one should remodel themself to attract someone… )
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If trying to be more obviously like the person you want to attract as a spouse is a “remodel”, you might want to re-visit whether your “want” list isn’t a bit unrealistic! After all, most of the happiest marriages are between two people who both think they got the better end of the bargain! 😉 Seriously, though, part of a happy marriage is putting yourself out beyond what you’d do for yourself, just because doing so would make your beloved happy. It will not hurt you to cultivate that mindset now. It is a charitable mindset, not a groveling one. Get used to the idea that courtship is not where that mindset ends, but where it starts. It is a mindset that can delight two people for a lifetime, and everyone around them, too. 👍

Be the kind of saint that God wants you to be, but if you believe marriage is your vocation, don’t be afraid to let that include being the sort of saint you’d want to marry, too. Don’t be concerned that someone who is about as smart as you, about as handsome as you, and about as poor as you can’t make you happy. That isn’t true. Like tends to be happy with like, if it only decides to be. As the old lady once said, when “comforting” a grandson who was afraid he’d never marry: There isn’t a scruffy horse out there, but that you can find a scruffy bush to tie it to. If both plant and animal are contented, what difference does scruffiness make?
 
EasterJoy said:
If women find you attractive but don’t realize it or won’t admit it, that poses a rather large practical barrier to marriage. My impression is that the whole point of the thread is to avoid being the guy everyone wishes they had married from the vantage point of wise old age, but that no one did actually marry. I cannot blame him from wanting to be preserved from that tragedy.
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To be honest, yeah, you’re 100% right. To be honest, I get a lot of negative thoughts on how people will like me in future because I admit it, I am very flawed and have a lot of sins I want to get over. At the same time, I actually think I am MUCH better off personality-wise than I was in school. Yeah, don’t ask please:(.

There is something else that is really, really bothering me though: I know nice girls and other people obviously don’t like it when a guy is polite to them but rude to others. Now I try to not be rude to others however, are there exceptions? I recently engaged in a ‘debate’ with an atheist woman. I never insulted her once but all she would do was hurl insult after insult against me and would always repeat the same arguments without any variation. I told her I had enough and that this poor excuse for a debate was over and immediately blocked her form my you tube. I personally think it was better to do that but lets say I came across some people bullying a person I was friends with. What should I do to handle the situation without necessarilly scaring my friend away? I certainly don’t want her to continue being bullied and put down and I would want them to grow strong and break off from any trauma they had to endure at the hands of bullying. But if the situation calls for it, how should I approach things without being reckless? Having endured a ton of cyber bullying, I can’t stand it when I see a jerk put down someone.
 
mrajax said:
To be honest, yeah, you’re 100% right. To be honest, I get a lot of negative thoughts on how people will like me in future because I admit it, I am very flawed and have a lot of sins I want to get over. At the same time, I actually think I am MUCH better off personality-wise than I was in school. Yeah, don’t ask please:(.

There is something else that is really, really bothering me though: I know nice girls and other people obviously don’t like it when a guy is polite to them but rude to others. Now I try to not be rude to others however, are there exceptions? I recently engaged in a ‘debate’ with an atheist woman. I never insulted her once but all she would do was hurl insult after insult against me and would always repeat the same arguments without any variation. I told her I had enough and that this poor excuse for a debate was over and immediately blocked her form my you tube. I personally think it was better to do that but lets say I came across some people bullying a person I was friends with. What should I do to handle the situation without necessarilly scaring my friend away? I certainly don’t want her to continue being bullied and put down and I would want them to grow strong and break off from any trauma they had to endure at the hands of bullying. But if the situation calls for it, how should I approach things without being reckless? Having endured a ton of cyber bullying, I can’t stand it when I see a jerk put down someone.
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“Nice” and “good” are not the same thing, nor are “non-confrontational” and “polite”. I don’t think you were rude at all (not by just what you described), and I don’t think you can run your life based on a fear of rash judgment by others. Sticking up for people who are being treated in an offensive manner is not rude! It is a defense of polite behavior! So yes, go ahead and defend those who are being bullied by others. That is something that a strong Catholic is going to do, and something a strong Catholic is going to admire in their friends…dare I say it, particularly in their male friends.

You’re not perfect, but honestly, not a lot of women want a husband who thinks that perhaps he is. A man who admits he has flaws, but who believes it is his work to address them, however much struggle it takes or how often he fails, is attractive for that desire to both want to be better and to be able to admit he’s not there yet. He gives in to neither presumption nor despair, but struggles on in hope. That is the Christian life, in a nutshell. Most women will get that, Christian or not.

This whole social-networking on the internet, though, I’m thinking more and more that it is the work of the devil. So much offending and taking offense, so many impossible expectations put onto each other. It is well-meant, but I hope the etiquette catches up with the technology before long.
 
EasterJoy said:
If trying to be more obviously like the person you want to attract as a spouse is a “remodel”, you might want to re-visit whether your “want” list isn’t a bit unrealistic! After all, most of the happiest marriages are between two people who both think they got the better end of the bargain! 😉 Seriously, though, part of a happy marriage is putting yourself out beyond what you’d do for yourself, just because doing so would make your beloved happy. It will not hurt you to cultivate that mindset now. It is a charitable mindset, not a groveling one. Get used to the idea that courtship is not where that mindset ends, but where it starts. It is a mindset that can delight two people for a lifetime, and everyone around them, too. 👍

Be the kind of saint that God wants you to be, but if you believe marriage is your vocation, don’t be afraid to let that include being the sort of saint you’d want to marry, too. Don’t be concerned that someone who is about as smart as you, about as handsome as you, and about as poor as you can’t make you happy. That isn’t true. Like tends to be happy with like, if it only decides to be. As the old lady once said, when “comforting” a grandson who was afraid he’d never marry: There isn’t a scruffy horse out there, but that you can find a scruffy bush to tie it to. If both plant and animal are contented, what difference does scruffiness make?
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I agree with you EasterJoy!!! 👍
 
EasterJoy said:
“Nice” and “good” are not the same thing, nor are “non-confrontational” and “polite”. I don’t think you were rude at all (not by just what you described), and I don’t think you can run your life based on a fear of rash judgment by others. Sticking up for people who are being treated in an offensive manner is not rude! It is a defense of polite behavior! So yes, go ahead and defend those who are being bullied by others. That is something that a strong Catholic is going to do, and something a strong Catholic is going to admire in their friends…dare I say it, particularly in their male friends.

You’re not perfect, but honestly, not a lot of women want a husband who thinks that perhaps he is. A man who admits he has flaws, but who believes it is his work to address them, however much struggle it takes or how often he fails, is attractive for that desire to both want to be better and to be able to admit he’s not there yet. He gives in to neither presumption nor despair, but struggles on in hope. That is the Christian life, in a nutshell. Most women will get that, Christian or not.

This whole social-networking on the internet, though, I’m thinking more and more that it is the work of the devil. So much offending and taking offense, so many impossible expectations put onto each other. It is well-meant, but I hope the etiquette catches up with the technology before long.
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Social networking has it’s pluses becuase you can actually see the person, as opposed to the old days when every girl by phone described herself as pretty and every guy “good looking”. But the minuses are that the looks don’t always match the heart.
 
johnnyjones said:
Social networking has it’s pluses becuase you can actually see the person, as opposed to the old days when every girl by phone described herself as pretty and every guy “good looking”. But the minuses are that the looks don’t always match the heart.
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In the very old days, before phones and choosing your own spouse, it was probably the matchmaker who made these impossible claims!

I just mean that in the past you could choose to associate with some and not associate with others (since with or without electronics, it is impossible to keep up with everybody!) without inevitably having your choices for and against tattooed on a wall where everyone from here to Timbuktu can read them and have an opinion about it. You could have a private tiff, or put a discrete distance between yourself and those who weren’t on your favorites list. That is a lot harder to manage now. Discretion is a lost virtue.

Our social lives were never meant to be so available for public consumption. I’m convinced there are deep ditches on both sides of that road, and many chances for people to get hurt. Alas, for good or bad, the clock cannot be turned back. We just have to muddle through!
 
EasterJoy said:
“Nice” and “good” are not the same thing, nor are “non-confrontational” and “polite”. I don’t think you were rude at all (not by just what you described), and I don’t think you can run your life based on a fear of rash judgment by others. Sticking up for people who are being treated in an offensive manner is not rude! It is a defense of polite behavior! So yes, go ahead and defend those who are being bullied by others. That is something that a strong Catholic is going to do, and something a strong Catholic is going to admire in their friends…dare I say it, particularly in their male friends.

You’re not perfect, but honestly, not a lot of women want a husband who thinks that perhaps he is. A man who admits he has flaws, but who believes it is his work to address them, however much struggle it takes or how often he fails, is attractive for that desire to both want to be better and to be able to admit he’s not there yet. He gives in to neither presumption nor despair, but struggles on in hope. That is the Christian life, in a nutshell. Most women will get that, Christian or not.

This whole social-networking on the internet, though, I’m thinking more and more that it is the work of the devil. So much offending and taking offense, so many impossible expectations put onto each other. It is well-meant, but I hope the etiquette catches up with the technology before long.
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Then… I SHALL MAKE IT A RULE TO GROW SIX FEET TALL, HAVE A METAL ARM WITH A CANNON IN IT AND BE ABLE TO WIELD AN OVERSIZED SWORD THAT IS ABLE TO KILL DRAGONS IN A SINGLE BLOW TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT MY LOVED ONES!!!

OK, I’m justn kidding! But thanks for the confirmation. I sort of had those same thoughts and didn’t feel bad at all when I pointed out to them their logical fallacies. Remember, there is a huge diffirence between what you really are and what others want you to be. In debates, making the other person look bad is not a sign that you’re right or that you have more authority, it is a sign of playing dirty in the most dishonorable way possible.

Say easterjoy, not meaning to intrude into personal matters or anything but are you married or something?

Also, I know this is a sort of delicate topic to some but what’s the worst date you’ve ever had? Reading some of the horror stories on myveryworstdate.com I got a ton of notes on how not to act if I do get a girlfriend…
 
EasterJoy said:
In the very old days, before phones and choosing your own spouse, it was probably the matchmaker who made these impossible claims!

I just mean that in the past you could choose to associate with some and not associate with others (since with or without electronics, it is impossible to keep up with everybody!) without inevitably having your choices for and against tattooed on a wall where everyone from here to Timbuktu can read them and have an opinion about it. You could have a private tiff, or put a discrete distance between yourself and those who weren’t on your favorites list. That is a lot harder to manage now. Discretion is a lost virtue.

Our social lives were never meant to be so available for public consumption. I’m convinced there are deep ditches on both sides of that road, and many chances for people to get hurt. Alas, for good or bad, the clock cannot be turned back. We just have to muddle through!
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Very good point.
 
mrajax said:
Then… I SHALL MAKE IT A RULE TO GROW SIX FEET TALL, HAVE A METAL ARM WITH A CANNON IN IT AND BE ABLE TO WIELD AN OVERSIZED SWORD THAT IS ABLE TO KILL DRAGONS IN A SINGLE BLOW TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT MY LOVED ONES!!!

OK, I’m justn kidding! But thanks for the confirmation. I sort of had those same thoughts and didn’t feel bad at all when I pointed out to them their logical fallacies. Remember, there is a huge diffirence between what you really are and what others want you to be. In debates, making the other person look bad is not a sign that you’re right or that you have more authority, it is a sign of playing dirty in the most dishonorable way possible.

Say easterjoy, not meaning to intrude into personal matters or anything but are you married or something?

Also, I know this is a sort of delicate topic to some but what’s the worst date you’ve ever had? Reading some of the horror stories on myveryworstdate.com I got a ton of notes on how not to act if I do get a girlfriend…
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Yes, I’ve been happily married a good long time. One broken off engagement before that, too. I don’t know if the first fiancé thinks the marriage that never happened was a dodged bullet, but I certainly do. I wouldn’t marry him if he were literally the last eligible man on earth, but it didn’t surprise me that he got married. I’ve lost track of him; I hope he and his wife are happy.

Not all good people are good for each other, and some people are just no good for anybody, even themselves (at least for the time being–one always hopes amendment is possible), and marriage to a good person doesn’t fix them. Never forget those two things.

Worst date I ever had…a total mismatch, and whatever possessed either of us to think it was a good idea is beyond me. I don’t even remember his name, and I can barely remember what he looked like. He wasn’t a bad guy, but I remember that conversation was impossible, because we had no common interests. It was as if we’d been sent on a blind date by slightly sadistic friends. Maybe we were both struck with some idea of moving out of our comfort zone, I don’t know. Well, sometimes your comfort zone is comfortable for a good reason. That’s my worst; I was rather cautious about who I’d date: another bunch of dodged bullets, in my mind.

You do need to have some common ground for a conversation. You don’t have to be alike, but you are aiming at a mutual admiration society. So date people that you admire or that you think you might come to admire, if you knew them better.

If you don’t admire anybody, don’t get married. Then there will only be one miserable person, instead of two or more. I don’t get the feeling that this describes you, though. Hang in there, be out there looking like a good man where you can be seen, and if you clean up reasonably well, I think you’ll do fine. Most people do, and most people are not better than average.
 
mrajax said:
Then… I SHALL MAKE IT A RULE TO GROW SIX FEET TALL, HAVE A METAL ARM WITH A CANNON IN IT AND BE ABLE TO WIELD AN OVERSIZED SWORD THAT IS ABLE TO KILL DRAGONS IN A SINGLE BLOW TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT MY LOVED ONES!!!
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Look, you need to make sure you have a solid connection with reality.
 
chevalier said:
Look, you need to make sure you have a solid connection with reality.
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I’m just kidding dude! I wouldn’t ever attempt to be like that ever. You don’t have to be a superhero to protect the woman or any person you love.
 
Say gus, when I asked whats the worst date you’ve ever had, I didn’t mean to ask it to only one user. Sorry if I’m speaking insensitively here but well, what is the worst date you guys ever had?

let me mention one my good ol’ dad had. He once dated a girl who on their first date for some reason brought her mother without telling him beforehand. After they had dinner, her mother non-chalantly asked who was going to pay, meaning dad also had to pay for the mum’s dinner. Dad said he had to pay and that the girl was extremely emberassed. So, sigh, what are yours?
 
mrajax said:
Say gus, when I asked whats the worst date you’ve ever had, I didn’t mean to ask it to only one user. Sorry if I’m speaking insensitively here but well, what is the worst date you guys ever had?

let me mention one my good ol’ dad had. He once dated a girl who on their first date for some reason brought her mother without telling him beforehand. After they had dinner, her mother non-chalantly asked who was going to pay, meaning dad also had to pay for the mum’s dinner. Dad said he had to pay and that the girl was extremely emberassed. So, sigh, what are yours?
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Wow, what an awful situation with your dad’s once-upon-a-time date. On the one hand, you shouldn’t hold a girl’s mother’s behaviour against said girl, on the other hand, you can’t really marry into that kind of family. On the third hand, you just absolutely can’t have a girl pick between you and her mother.

I once had a sort of unexpected rapprochement with a girl who two hours later ended up cuddling with some younger and possibly shorter guy on a nerby bed. Got LJBF-ed right on St. Valentine’s day some other time. Had a girl make some references to her photographer friend doing nude photographs and some vague jokes or inquiries as to my opinion in that relation. At that point I was after like a day, night and next day of hard legal and linguistic work and got somewhat paranoid, finding it hard to believe there wasn’t a second bottom to the questions (I focused on the whys of asking or talking about those things). There was a time my once-favourite art gallery appeared way shabbier than I’d remembered it and I’d also forgot all my fancy chatter about the exhibits’n’stuff.

Remember a couple of unplanned, early ends connected with phone calls. I take that sort of thing as an affront really. That is, I don’t really take them that way but I do see them that way.
 
I’ve talked to other women but I can’t list them all or it will be all over the place. The following is based on my personal preference.

What I look for in a man:
  • natural charm
  • a love for life: not necessarily ambitious or outgoing
  • humility
  • dignity
As for looks, I don’t know anymore since people have questioned my own tastes. I tend not to go for men who are traditionally handsome but faces that seem to reflect a lot of character interest me. Common interests used to be important but not so much. It’s more important that we can engage in each other in conversation.

Basically, I look for a guy who I can admire and respect.
 
onjac said:
I’ve talked to other women but I can’t list them all or it will be all over the place. The following is based on my personal preference.

What I look for in a man:
  • natural charm
  • a love for life: not necessarily ambitious or outgoing
  • humility
  • dignity
As for looks, I don’t know anymore since people have questioned my own tastes. I tend not to go for men who are traditionally handsome but faces that seem to reflect a lot of character interest me. Common interests used to be important but not so much. It’s more important that we can engage in each other in conversation.

Basically, I look for a guy who I can admire and respect.
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Sorry it took me so long to reply but I agree with you here. To be honest though, I don’t get number 2, a love for life. I sort of want to be outgoing and make many friends as the way I am right now, immediately having a girlfriend with no experience with just having female friends is sort of unhealthy and wouldn’t do both of us any good in the long run. At the same time, I do have an ambition, that of entering in the world of arts and becoming an animation director or a comic artist as those are the things I love doing. I don’t think that you’re against of course, I’m just saying:).

I agree with the rest 100%.
 
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