What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[leonie]

Maybe those of you who donot like your MIL or DIL would pray and ask God for help He might clean out your hearts like He did mine concerning my then DIL. She is now one of my dearest friends and I love her with all my heart. Changing attitudes is a two way street.

tweetymom, the most sensible advice on this post! We can’t change other people, but we with God’s help can change ourselves.

We never know what is going on in another person’s heart. We can’t see their weaknesses and wounds. We just need to love them and assume the best motivations.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I remember after giving birth to each of my kids, my first one, my mother was in the room with me, she left my side to go to the hidden area where she felt it was not disrespectful to be there…She was praying the entire time that baby and I made it…She felt it was husband and wives time, for us two to welcome our baby and then once I was cleaned up and a little more comfortable she was going to come out! AND SHE DID THAT! I was calling to her the entire time she said it was only right, hubby and wife! And once I stopped breastfeeding my daughter she came in…Then later on in the evening when it was feeding time again without announcing themselves while I was breastfeeding and without knocking on the door with my gown unbuttoned and all, breast showing and everything my inlaws and their friends and family shows up! I Was embarrassed and felt so I don’t know…I was having a moment with my newborn and they show up without even callling! I was frustrated and a bit upset…the entire day they could have called and told us when they were coming over to see the baby no one called they just showed up!!!

The second child, I left my daughter with my mother, and left for the hospital 45 min drive… baby was born, I called my family to let them know, I rested for a few hours, then I got dressed fed my child and asked everyone when they were coming over! they let me know around what time and I made sure around that time I had finished feeding the baby and I was somewhat decent…I enjoyed everyone being there!! Because there was communication made things easier!

Third child, we were living near my inlaws again so I didn’t waste a single moment, I made sure I had a mommy shirt and bra on, and a huge blanket to cover myself with incase I was breastfeeding again when they showed up…I didn’t even get to rest as exhausted and vulnerable as I was…but I said I am not going to complain just do it and that was it…

So believe me I know how that feels like… I wanted to rest and relax and not be crowded as wonderful as the celebration was, I had just finished you know with each child no epidural in pain and was trying to gather my senses and take care of a baby… it’s kind of awkward when you are trying to breastfeed a baby or go to the bathroom with a half opened gown and someone just walks in on you and you just stand there or sit there like OMG! After such a delicate moment you know?!

But also I understand when my inlaws came over and would hold each child even though they would congratulate the father only, lol, how happy they looked to hold that baby for the first time! didn’t last long because none of my exils even care to call the kids ever so lol that’s life eh?!

Anyhow, the point is that if the dil is just having issues with the mil because she’s just a rude person, well that was son’s choice…like my future fil said to my fiance, “thank GOD you’re the one that has to live with that woman and not us!” lol about me!! hehehe… So OP just try to keep the communications with your son open and you should still be able to have a good relationship with him, who knows the less you bring up his wife the more he might be willing to go over to see you and bring the kids along!

 

[leonie]

I just wanted to comment that all of my friends who have difficult relationships with MILs have the same scenario. Their Mils blame them (the dils) for any decisions, difficulties, miscommunications in their lives and not their husbands.

I’ve been through some difficulties with my Mil. She definitely doesn’t approve of me or my Bil’s wife. Everything that goes wrong–if grandkids have problems, money crises, holiday disputes, it’s the dil’s fault. Never the son. Why!!!

I hope I don’t do this when I’m a mil. My plan as a mil is to just love my dils, babysit on demand (when I’m available), and be ultra supportive unless it’s being supportive of sin.

I pray God gives me the grace to love my dil’s and be prudent with my words.

op, it takes supernatural grace to love someone who has hurt you. I hope you take this relationship to our Blessed Mother.

 

[iluvmybabies]

wow. tacky and not founded at all by anyone who has expressed a pov here.
for what it’s worth my mil had ONE kid bc that is all she wanted. and it was ME that was looking forward to having a nice mom-figure that I’d never had and was told clearly that there was a reason she’d had one kid and she wasn’t looking for another. She felt the same way about gc. she takes one of them shopping for their birthday once a year. The rest are only seen at social holiday events, if then. I don’t want a dang thing to do with their money or anything else of there’s and we never have. In fact, THAT was a HUGE issue early in our marriage. Because they wanted to use money to control us and I flat out wanted no part of it. They wanted to loan money, give money, or stuff and so forth and we refused bc it came with not just strings, but heavy chains. We felt it was healthier to not mix money and family. And it really ticked them off that they couldn’t make us do what they wanted by using the lure of money.

I agree.

The more I read, the worse I feel for her dil.

I haven’t read anything major yet. Event all combined it’s still certainly nothing that would keep me from calling or sending gifts/cards or to harbor such harsh feelings. It’s really rather baffling to me that anyone would feel this way over the things she claims to be her injuries from this woman.

And again, if she really wants to mends things, then I suggest she change her dealings, bc so far, I’d run too. Fast and far.

I’m not saying it to be mean.

I’m saying it because that could be a way to mend things.

IF that’s what she really wants.

But if what she really wants is for them to do things her way and meet her expectations then there’s not much point in bothering. Because they aren’t going to do it and she is driving them away.

I agree with the pushing him away thing…that’s what my future mil and fil did to my fiance, now he won’t even pick up the phone to hear their words at all…His father left him a message for his bday he didn’t even care to hear it…I told him it was very sweet and loving from his father to his son…Fiance said he just didn’t care…

Well a year ago we both found out his mother only wanted one son. the eldest, and had a “miscarriage” with the twins before my fiance, my future fil said he demanded her to give him a second child, he wanted a large family she only wanted one child, and the child she didn’t want she did drugs and smoked and drank while pg that was my fiance…Fiance was born preme and with only half a brain developed…AND she was harsh on him growing up… very harsh…He has a cousin without arms, and was born that way…But she can do everything without them and his mother would pick on him because his year older cousin would button up his shirts for him etc when he couldn’t even close a zipper!

I would think in my head “DUH CHILD HAD A DISABILITY of not having fingers not MISSING HALF A BRAIN?”! But that’s how this woman is…They almost lost him so many times because of seizures and you know what they told him when they found out he was getting married to me, they told him that he owed them his life because they didn’t have to take care of him or take him to the hospital all those times that he almost killed them with heart attacks each time he had those attacks! I looked at his father jaw dropped opened and said “it wasn’t his fault he had the seizures you know?!” Then my fiance continued “Yeah it was my psycho mother whom was trying to kill me with her drinking drugs and smoking so blame it on her!” I was like WOW!!! But I understood he was hurt to hear something like that come from his father… But I don’t know and these people are Catholics! LOL:shrug: Don’t know whom raised them Catholic seriously! lol

I know what it’s like to have your parents push you away, I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother, I think I was born from a rape from my father when he was an alchy because she always took everything out on me…Now we can talk lol and i don’t feel humiliated that much anymore! hehehe

So anyhow, my future sil tells me she walks around future mil with her tail between her legs…she has done it all these years of her life, she’s her step mother, and future sil’s husband has been humiliated over and over and over again, he told fiance he wasn’t going to be here for our wedding because of his mother… it was a sad news to hear but we understand…I know they won’t show up for our wedding either, they hate me…I guess that’s what I get for being a “goodie twoshoes” and actually care about people…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Originally Posted by Liberanosamalo
I’ve been in a hospital after delivery and received visitors. At no time during that was I half naked or trying to breastfeed.

that’s very good for you then, bc I have and obviously so have others.
That was a run-on sentence. I meant it in that when visitors were in the room, I was happily covered up and not exposed for the world.
I wonder if some of the people who are making comments have ever had a baby and felt the euphoria that overrides the post-delivery discomfort. By the way… are they as nasty to all the “friends” and “girlfriends” that will stop by?

NONE of my genuine friends, relatives, or whatnot stop unless they call first and ask. and none have ever felt slighted or miffed if we were honest and said that we just weren’t up to it.
Nowhere did the OP say she didn’t call first and just barged into the hospital room.

Unfortunately, if you pick up on the thread, these are this elderly couple’s only grandchildren thus far. There’s pain involved there. And a very closed attitude that apparently the son has allowed (maybe in order to keep the peace… we won’t ever know.)

I get that she’s hurt, but it appears a good deal of it is petty and unfounded.
I don’t think she’s really gone into detail. She gave a few examples, but she was mourning a situation that has persisted for 18 years. Not being a part of your child’s life for 18 years is not a petty thing. Being hurt by that is not unfounded.
And I could just scream that HER SON and her are the problem. I have zero idea why these silly games are being played and all the drama.
Yes, we’ve all questioned her about her son. He seems to be the one who could fix this if he wanted. Or be a little more open. The OP said when he was with the family he was pleasant. Which probably made them miss him more.
I agree with other posters who say if a man was doing this with his wife’s family we would tell her there was a serious problem. A woman going into a marriage with an idea of “I don’t want to know the people who raised my husband” is not going to foster grandparent/grandchild relationships. I’ve seen that also backfire as kids hit late teens and are angry they were kept from half their family.

Yes there’s a serious problem if a a child of mine is acting this way. And the problem is with my child and me, not my child’s spouse. I don’t think you get how influential a spouse can be in pulling someone away from their brothers and sisters and parents. Sometimes it’s by coercion, which can be subtle or not. And sometimes it’s not based on anything the family said or did but leaves everyone mystified as to why someone came into a family and decided they didn’t like them and so the family in effect lost a member.

I wonder if the kind of husband who endures this, if he were to protest and insist on family visits, wouldn’t be the kind who then finds himself cut off from marital relations. Women can be very controlling too.

oh for crying out loud. Are you serious? Are we actually saying that this guy can’t call his mommy or send her a card himself is because he is too hot to get at his wife? How immature is this guy? I have to tell you I think my dh and I have healthy umm drives, but that just would not work in this house.
I am not saying the OP’s son is in this position. I am saying unless you’ve been married to the kind of person who will make you “pay” for contacting your family and accuse you of being somehow disloyal for talking to your own relatives, you don’t get how bad this can get. I was allowed to go to weddings and funerals. But God help me if I snuck down to the basement to call my family and wish them Happy Thanksgiving. (Wasn’t allowed to go across town with the kids and eat there. Got beat up for calling mom and asking how much onions to put in the stuffing.) I’ve been divorced for a decade. I haven’t had Thanksgiving dinner with my family for 12 years because of time and money issues and travel. A malignant in-law can cause a lot of pain. And wives don’t necessarily beat up their husbands. They have other ways to control them. You minimize it when you say “this guy can’t call his mommy because he is too hot to get at his wife? How immature is this guy?” It might not work in your house, but go read the threads on this page of guys whose wives deny them for unknown reasons. For years. I’m just saying if you’ve ever been with a spouse who finds ways to punish you, it can make a weak person think twice about bringing wrath down on their heads. I’ve seen it happen with others. It’s sad.

The excuses being given for and the sheer obliviousness to this guy’s accountablity here and the heap of assumptions and blame being put on his wife are getting ridiculous.
Well, there probably is much the OP didn’t write here that would lead her to conclude that things were one way before the DIL came along and since then the situation has revolved around the DIL’s attitude. But if she started listing 18 years of things the DIL has done, she’d be excoriated for badmouthing the DIL here. So the OP can’t win and probably will have to go elsewhere for understanding.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I will say, it would be interesting to hear some more MILs here who have had their families shoved to the outer limits and whose grandchildren know only one set of grandparents. Not because they fed the kids rat poison or some horrible egregious over the top behavior that would cause sane people to flee. There are families where women have room in their lives for only their family and that’s where all the attention is. They take the daughter’s a daughter all her life mentality and the son is supposed to become a part of the wife’s family and his own is forgotten. Those of you who have brothers or sons, don’t just dismiss the OP and think it will never happen to you. I’ve seen it happen in families where the other in-laws are just fine. But one in the group decides the family isn’t good enough for them, or they just don’t want to bother, and everyone loses. Those of you who are devout Catholics, dont’ think that your child or sibling might not marry someone of another religion who wants their children to have NOTHING to do with you and your belief system, or picks some other arbitrary reason why they will cut off all contact and basically force their spouse to cling unto them, leaving his father and mother behind.

To the OP, I’m sorry you came here looking for advice and sympathy and immediately , many people decided, knowing few facts, that YOU were the problem, and you must be the MIL from H— and that the behavior you tried to describe briefly was not odd and unfair.
This post has produced a lot of knee-jerk reactions from people who see their own experiences with horrible MILs and automatically put themselves in your DIL’s place. I’m just saying, there is another version of that story. And it involves parents who spend a few decades sacrificing for a son, sending him to school, paying for everything, and as soon as he marries, he disappears for a few decades, taking with him their hopes and dreams of family and grandchildren. Is it partially the son’s fault? Yes. I gather from private comments OP made to me that the situation was complicated from the beginning. The DIL had problems, as OP said in her post, with her own family. She brought those problems into another family and caused them pain too, from what I see.

Unless all of you can be sure your brothers and sons will never marry a woman who has interpersonal difficulties with her family and social issues she hasn’t resolved, don’t be sure you will escape a similar injustice.

And leave me out of the anger. I was just pointing out that not everyone resents hospital visits and some families have a different outlook. Once again, problems arise when two different family patterns and customs collide. Some posters may avoid their DILs hospital rooms in the future and then it would be sad to find out years later the DIL was going around saying “She didn’t even come see her own grandchild when it was born. We had to drive up to visit her a month later!” Or something like that. All because they thought they were being considerate not going to see her.

It’s what happens when neutral actions are all interpreted with the least amount of forgiveness possible.

We don’t start out doing that. But after 18 years of the same thing, the OP is probably tired of attributing harmless excuses to a pattern of hurt and neglect.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I just wanted to comment that all of my friends who have difficult relationships with MILs have the same scenario. Their Mils blame them (the dils) for any decisions, difficulties, miscommunications in their lives and not their husbands.

You know, you raise a very interesting point. And I think that’s because the generation of MILs running around now ran their homes and the social schedules and made lots of decisions and controlled their households pretty effectively and maybe the dads just went along with what she wanted. So these MILs now attribute that same level of power in their own son’s houses to their DILs.

As women, we know how much of our households we really control and how stuff that gets done (visits, socializing) is at OUR instigation. We are gatekeepers in our own homes and the mothers of sons out there are under no illusions about that. So we can’t really pretend that the DIL is not a driving force in situations like this.

I wife can have a lot of influence over her husband in many cases. The MILs know this. So when a son disappears off the map, it’s hard not to point fingers.

 

[gmarie21]

You know, you raise a very interesting point. And I think that’s because the generation of MILs running around now ran their homes and the social schedules and made lots of decisions and controlled their households pretty effectively and maybe the dads just went along with what she wanted. So these MILs now attribute that same level of power in their own son’s houses to their DILs.

As women, we know how much of our households we really control and how stuff that gets done (visits, socializing) is at OUR instigation. We are gatekeepers in our own homes and the mothers of sons out there are under no illusions about that. So we can’t really pretend that the DIL is not a driving force in situations like this.

I wife can have a lot of influence over her husband in many cases. The MILs know this. So when a son disappears off the map, it’s hard not to point fingers.

So what you’re saying is that these men married women who run households EXACTLY as their mothers did? And then the moms are schocked that their sons continue a living pattern as they were raised, just w/ another woman? Maybe OP has issues b/c dil is just like her?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

No, I didn’t say they ran households exactly alike. I said that they know from experience how powerful a wife can be in making decisions.

We don’t know if the OP refused to take her sons to see her husband’s parents. (It’s hard to tell from the posts whether the grandmother who died was her mother or her husband’s mother.)

But if it’s her husband’s mother, obviously, she didn’t keep her sons from half their family. So no, she did not run her household exactly like that.

Yes, sons sometimes marry the mirror image of their mothers. And then the two women spend the next several decades fighting over him like two cats in a bag. I’ve seen that too.

Funny… usually I’m telling women to get away from the monster man and asking women to examine the disfunctional relationship between mothers and the men they married to find out why they’re being abused. There are probably people at CAF who think that’s the only view I have of the universe.

A post comes along where I acknowlege the possibility that a DIL may be a problem and the son may be a victim of similar issues trying to keep peace in his own household and his mother isn’t necessarily the bride of Satan, and no one likes that.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Interesting we have no men with (name removed by moderator)ut here that I’ve noticed. Did I miss one? I’d love to hear a man’s opinion on this.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Truly, we could analyze the DIL all day, til the cows come home, but frankly, she ‘gets away’ with this behavior for years, because her husband (OP’s son) permits it. It’s really as simple as that. If I nagged my husband to not see his mom, call her, treat her basically like she is meaningless in our lives, my dh would tell me to take a hike. So, the DIL, while she probably has problems of her own, the son enables those problems to continue, by tolerating this behavior. 18 years is a long time, and if he were to do an about face at this point, it would be hard; change is ALWAYS hard, when we have grown accustomed to the status quo.

Two things here going on, as I see it. DIL has problems. aicrit’s son enables them by accepting the behavior. It’s as simple as that.

I think if I were you aicrit, I’d bury the hatchet, if for no other reason, than to give myself some peace. Pray over it, but don’t let your DIL change how you act towards her. Remember what Jesus said…what gain is it to only be kind to those who are kind to us? (paraphrasing here) lol You seem like a wonderful MIL, and I know this pains you. But, the only thing you can do, is control you…but, know that it’s not all your DIL. I might be tempted to ask my son, why he tolerates the behavior…I can’t see myself not questioning my own son someday, if this is how our relationship turns out after he marries.

:tsktsk:

Italian guilt.

PS–I have not read through the last few pages…you might have answered this, but what does your hubby think of all of this? Men have different ways of coping with relationship problems, than women…curious if he is as bothered as you? *

 

[maryjk]

A post comes along where I acknowlege the possibility that a DIL may be a problem and the son may be a victim of similar issues trying to keep peace in his own household and his mother isn’t necessarily the bride of Satan, and no one likes that.

The problem is, when doing that, you are calling the DIL the bride of Satan. And you are painting all sons out there with the brush of victim.

Part of the problem with my MIL and FIL is that they think we should live how they tell us to live. And how they lived.

Every Christmas, my IL’s would get in the am, open presents then trek off to see their IL’s. They thought we should do the same. It was a big deal that we thought our child should be able to be at home, AFTER Mass. Same thing with Easter. They don’t attend a church but wanted us to go to their house first thing after breakfast on Easter and forget about Mass.

It all comes down to expectations. ( Except in my case, where the health and safety of my child is a concern.) MIL expects a call and doesn’t get it. DIL expects a visit and doesn’t get it. By the end of it, everyone is upset. Accept them as they are. It will go a long way.

 

[whatevergirl]

Interesting we have no men with (name removed by moderator)ut here that I’ve noticed. Did I miss one? I’d love to hear a man’s opinion on this.

Always silent on these issues…lol

 

[iluvmybabies]

No, I didn’t say they ran households exactly alike. I said that they know from experience how powerful a wife can be in making decisions.

We don’t know if the OP refused to take her sons to see her husband’s parents. (It’s hard to tell from the posts whether the grandmother who died was her mother or her husband’s mother.)

But if it’s her husband’s mother, obviously, she didn’t keep her sons from half their family. So no, she did not run her household exactly like that.

Yes, sons sometimes marry the mirror image of their mothers. And then the two women spend the next several decades fighting over him like two cats in a bag. I’ve seen that too.

Funny… usually I’m telling women to get away from the monster man and asking women to examine the disfunctional relationship between mothers and the men they married to find out why they’re being abused. There are probably people at CAF who think that’s the only view I have of the universe.

A post comes along where I acknowlege the possibility that a DIL may be a problem and the son may be a victim of similar issues trying to keep peace in his own household and his mother isn’t necessarily the bride of Satan, and no one likes that.

Liberanos I see your point, one of those kinds of women is my sil, but only because of what my mother showed her in previous years…And now my mother wonders why she mistreats her… It was just one small moment of my mother showing some true colors that caused my sil to not like her ever again and not want to associate herself any further than hi and bye! Let alone LET because she doesn’t LET my mother help her with the children for nothing in the world…It’s interesting…And I don’t like it that she mistreats my mother I have talked to her a couple of times and yes I understand where she’s coming from but it’s different when I told her I wanted to take the kids for a weekend and she wouldn’t even let me have my niece and nephew for two days at all and I never did anything to her at all! SO definitely see your point…But in either case without knowing everything that happened there is always a reason a dil may be cold to her mil and mil to dil…It’s just something that we are all left guessing at…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Part of the problem with my MIL and FIL is that they think we should live how they tell us to live. And how they lived.

And that is not fun for YOU. But the OP isn’t telling them how to think or live. In fact, it appears she has of necessity given them very wide berth over the years. Now they’re getting elderly. They have health issues. They don’t have forever. And it’s becoming very painful.

She didn’t say they celebrated every Christmas and holiday and expected son to be there with the family. And skip Mass.

It’s like every DIL has decided the writer of the letter was their MIL and decided to respond.

 

[anna1978]

Well…like I said: upto a point I can tell my husband to phone his parents, and ‘field’ calls once a week when he ‘is out’…but the truth is: if there is a ‘complex’ relationship between son and mother (and I’m NOT saying this is the case with the OP, I’m just talking from my own experience here) there is only so much prodding and co-ercing I can do…which is why I’m giving the OP’s DIL the benefit of the doubt. She may try but hear ‘I don’t want her to go on to me about how we never see eachother’ or something…and give up. Also, they must live a fair distance if you need a plane to visit! We live 6 hours drive from my in-laws and with 2 young children we do that ONCE a year, and they drive to us 3 or 4 times, but if we had to take a PLANE…think of the extra cost! BTW my in-laws are Irish-born, and a lot the OP said now makes a lot more sense, I wonder whether the DIL is of different cultural heritage? I took my in-laws to Holland this year, and all of a sudden they both said ‘Oh, THAT’s why you do/say that! Ah, that makes sense now!’…

 

[maryjk]

Interesting we have no men with (name removed by moderator)ut here that I’ve noticed. Did I miss one? I’d love to hear a man’s opinion on this.

There is a Dilbert cartoon on my fridge.

I don’t know that I can do it justice, but here goes.

Dilbert is in his cube working. In the cube next door, there is a person whistling. Dilbert is annoyed, but can’t complain because he doesn’t like confrontation. He can’t talk to the boss because he doesn’t want to look whiney. There is only one solution.

He calls Alice. Alice comes by, hears the whistling, tells Dilbert to wait a minute.

YELLS at the whistler, " Stop whistling, you freaking’ moron."
Comes back, asking what’s up.
Dilbert’s reply? “Never mind, I found a work around.”

I think guys generally avoid confrontation. I know my husband does.

 

[joandarc2008]

Try this - why don’t the four of you get together and talk about it. Openly. You may find out some things from her perspective - you two may be hurting each other and you may not be knowing it.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Does anyone have any ancestors who lived together, grandparents, parents, and inlaws all together, in the same house? I do! My mom, Irish and Scottish, blond blue eyed girl born to farmers in GA, married my VERY Italian father, who’s parents purposefully spoke Italian around my mother–they ALL lived together during the first few years of my parents’ marriage. So…imagine we all go back to that! ha

Just something to think about. We all live so far away now…but there was a time, when whether you liked your inlaws or not, you LIVED with them.

aicrit…maybe you should suggest that. Just trying to make you laugh. :hug1:*

 

[dulcissima]

Try this - why don’t the four of you get together and talk about it. Openly. You may find out some things from her perspective - you two may be hurting each other and you may not be knowing it.

I’m a big fan of the direct approach and think that this is good advice.