What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[joandarc2008]

I’m a big fan of the direct approach and think that this is good advice.

And if that fails - go take a kickboxing class together - get out your aggressions. Go to confession. Try the dinner thing again.

 

[maryjk]

It’s like every DIL has decided the writer of the letter was their MIL and decided to respond.

My MIL wouldn’t be caught dead on a Catholic forum.

When people hear stories, they always relate those stories to their own lives. I take the side of the DIL because I have problems with my MIL. You take the side of the MIL, because your back round. It is human nature.

 

[maryjk]

*Does anyone have any ancestors who lived together, grandparents, parents, and inlaws all together, in the same house? I do! My mom, Irish and Scottish, blond blue eyed girl born to farmers in GA, married my VERY Italian father, who’s parents purposefully spoke Italian around my mother–they ALL lived together during the first few years of my parents’ marriage. So…imagine we all go back to that! ha

Just something to think about. We all live so far away now…but there was a time, when whether you liked your inlaws or not, you LIVED with them.

aicrit…maybe you should suggest that. Just trying to make you laugh. :hug1:*

It would be okay with my parents. Out of all of my Mom’s children, she likes my husband best…

When we bought out house, we made sure to buy one that could handle at least one of my parents living with us.

 

[whatevergirl]

It would be okay with my parents. Out of all of my Mom’s children, she likes my husband best…

When we bought out house, we made sure to buy one that could handle at least one of my parents living with us.

*That is a great thing, mary. My dd says that she is going to live next door to us when she gets married. I said, you need to probably check with your husband someday…lol She said, oh he’ll go along.

We’ll see. *

 

[dulcissima]

I get along great with my boyfriend’s mother. If we get married and she ever needed to move in, she would be more than welcome.

My ex’s mother bothered me, but we had a cordial relationship. Still, I was the one who thought about her birthday or made any effort, not my ex. Now that we are divorced, he is mad at me that I am not making arrangements for the kids to see his parents. I will not stand in the way and will make it as easy as possible, but that is totally something on his plate now. They don’t really see them all that often, and it isn’t because I have it in for them, it’s because he can’t be bothered. Now, if they ever wanted to come down here for a visit, I would give them generous unfettered access to their grandkids, but they don’t seem to want to make the arrangements either.

I guess that is where I get the view that the son needs to step up to the plate and blaming the DIL isn’t going to be helpful.

 

[Lukelion]

Narcissists are very manipulative, and love to play the victim. They love to stir things up and cause trouble. DO NOT rise to the bait.
We stopped talking to my mil. I did not coerce her son. He realized she plays favorites. When she would call, she never said outright that she thought we’re inadequate. Instead, any time that we told her something good, she mentioned something dh siblings did that was better or she simply ignored us.
Talking to me is like talking to a wall because a) information is used to club me with later, or b) simply ignored/brushed off.
Every story has two sides. Go with the actions, not the words! They Holy Spirit is the spirit of truth, and He will guide you!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Now that we are divorced, he is mad at me that I am not making arrangements for the kids to see his parents. I will not stand in the way and will make it as easy as possible, but that is totally something on his plate now. They don’t really see them all that often, and it isn’t because I have it in for them, it’s because he can’t be bothered.

Haha. Mine is mad I don’t tell him when school functions are.

I sent all the cards and gifts too. She still sided with him in the divorce. Eventually she complained he never gave her anything for her birthday.

Even after the divorce it’s all your fault when things don’t get done.

But as to the OP, can’t discount the Irish thing. Getting between an Irish mom and her son is almost as tragic as getting between an Italian mother and her son.

And the funeral thing may be cultural. Irish are very big on funerals and death rituals.

Go back to the original post. The OP’s DIL had big problems with her own family and treated the OP’s family badly from the beginning. The OP made the mistake of repeating the DIL’s mother’s honest assessment of her here so that people could see that if the DIL’s family thought so, it wasn’t just her being hypersensitive. She got lambasted for gossipping or something by some posters.

And games go both ways. Refusing to acknowlege whether gifts even arrive is petty. After a while I’ve seen where people start joking among themselves whether the family member’s spouse even opens them or if she just throws them in the garbage and do the kids even know they got a gift? (You wonder if the kids are told Grandma ignored you again this year when Grandma sent a gift and card. Or the aunt or uncle sent something and it wasn’t even given to the child. Manipulation can go on in many directions and kids can be poisoned against grandparents.) So do you keep sending gifts into a black hole? When you call you get the answering machine and no response? Do you give up and then they accuse you of being petty and taking things out on the kids?

Then the DIL’s family ends up looking like they’re the only ones who care. They don’t know what was done on their behalf for years by others.

I keep trying to say there is often another side to stories like this. Be open to the possibility that a woman who lies to her own family and is anti-social to her husband’s family and who is jealous of her own baby may have issues and may be controlling and manipulative. It’s not only men who are narcissists. I’m not saying any of you ladies who posted here don’t have a real gripe against your abusive mothers in law! But if you’ve ever been treated with hostility by someone even as you just met them and they know nothing about you… well, I’m just saying it can be very sad for a family.

The OP has even said she doesn’t speak up, but not doing so makes her feel less than honest. She keeps trying to foster a non-existent relationship,she says. She came here to vent and got her head lopped off. That’ll teach her!

If she called her son up to vent, would people tell her to mind her own business and quit interfering and laying a guilt trip?

Maybe the son is like that funny Dilbert cartoon and is very passive. There is a kind of personality that takes advantage of passive people and runs everyone else out of their lives. To keep the peace they don’t say anything. But it’s still sad for everyone involved.

 

[dulcissima]

Getting between an Irish mom and her son is almost as tragic as getting between an Italian mother and her son.

My boyfriend’s mom is Italian.

And a lot of what could be going on with the OP, I see going on between my BF’s mom and my bf’s brother and his wife. Everything is focussed on her family, and his family is excluded, despite the fact that I think his mom is great to her grandchildren. She is kept at arm’s length, and I have seen that presents from his side of the family are put up in the closet.

I’m not totally sure who the instigator is, her son or the DIL. It could be him or it could be her, but he at least is the one who lets it go on.

 

[leonie]

I don’t mean to be unkind to the op. But, I’m not a big fan of venting unless you are looking to change your mind/heart.

Whenever I’ve vented, it’s reinforced my sinful attitudes.

I’ve had some rebukes that have really stung, but have changed my life.

One time I had a rebuke from God. I was thinking about a person I disliked. And, I thought, “What do you think of this person, God?!!”

And, was I surprised that in my heart, I heard God say, “She is my beloved daughter.”

wow. The person I was angry and disgusted with because she was in the midst of an extra marital affair and subsequent lying and ugliness that led to the break up of two marriages.

From that experience, I realized that if I went to God with my anger towards others, He could give me love for a person. However, all the other people that I discussed it with reinforced my bad opinion of this lady.

(yes, I’ve confessed the sin of detraction in this case).

So, op, let the rebukes on this thread (whether justified or not) humble your heart and ask God to let you see your dil like God sees her.

 

[whatevergirl]

*You have to be Italian and have a son to understand, Ms Liberano.

In all seriousness, I pray that my kids marry people who are well adjusted, and secure with themselves. It sounds so very painful to have to spar with a DIL/SIL over your own kids. aicrit, I can imagine the disappointment and frustration. *

 

[mom24boys]

Well, I’ve read through the whole thread and frankly feel sorry for the dil. OP, you have not uttered one word about what YOU can do to make the relationship better. That is a red flag to me. Your examples are trivial. It’s all about how YOU deserve to be treated. Bringing up the book of Ruth was almost comical… very self-centered. Perhaps the dil is difficult and not a perfect individual, but the relationship is what it is. You cannot expect people and life to conform to YOUR expectations. It is up to you to be loving and kind and to do your best no matter how you are treated. Of course, we shouldn’t tolerate being abused (that does require a physical separation for safety reasons), but not sending a fruit basket is not abusive. (And about the fruit basket, I don’t believe etiquette wise she needed to send one. Her husband was the grandchild, right? Children and grandchildren of the deceased do not send fruit baskets.)

 

[aicirt]

Haha. Mine is mad I don’t tell him when school functions are.

I sent all the cards and gifts too. She still sided with him in the divorce. Eventually she complained he never gave her anything for her birthday.

Even after the divorce it’s all your fault when things don’t get done.

But as to the OP, can’t discount the Irish thing. Getting between an Irish mom and her son is almost as tragic as getting between an Italian mother and her son.

And the funeral thing may be cultural. Irish are very big on funerals and death rituals.

Go back to the original post. The OP’s DIL had big problems with her own family and treated the OP’s family badly from the beginning. The OP made the mistake of repeating the DIL’s mother’s honest assessment of her here so that people could see that if the DIL’s family thought so, it wasn’t just her being hypersensitive. She got lambasted for gossipping or something by some posters.

And games go both ways. Refusing to acknowlege whether gifts even arrive is petty. After a while I’ve seen where people start joking among themselves whether the family member’s spouse even opens them or if she just throws them in the garbage and do the kids even know they got a gift? (You wonder if the kids are told Grandma ignored you again this year when Grandma sent a gift and card. Or the aunt or uncle sent something and it wasn’t even given to the child. Manipulation can go on in many directions and kids can be poisoned against grandparents.) So do you keep sending gifts into a black hole? When you call you get the answering machine and no response? Do you give up and then they accuse you of being petty and taking things out on the kids?

Then the DIL’s family ends up looking like they’re the only ones who care. They don’t know what was done on their behalf for years by others.

I keep trying to say there is often another side to stories like this. Be open to the possibility that a woman who lies to her own family and is anti-social to her husband’s family and who is jealous of her own baby may have issues and may be controlling and manipulative. It’s not only men who are narcissists. I’m not saying any of you ladies who posted here don’t have a real gripe against your abusive mothers in law! But if you’ve ever been treated with hostility by someone even as you just met them and they know nothing about you… well, I’m just saying it can be very sad for a family.

The OP has even said she doesn’t speak up, but not doing so makes her feel less than honest. She keeps trying to foster a non-existent relationship,she says. She came here to vent and got her head lopped off. That’ll teach her!

If she called her son up to vent, would people tell her to mind her own business and quit interfering and laying a guilt trip?

Maybe the son is like that funny Dilbert cartoon and is very passive. There is a kind of personality that takes advantage of passive people and runs everyone else out of their lives. To keep the peace they don’t say anything. But it’s still sad for everyone involved.

What she said! Wow…if this wasn’t a Catholic board, I would think you were channeling me

My husband has been very upset. I believe the stress may have effected his health which is one of the reason we have decided to keep our distance. I had the energy years ago, I just don’t now. I get upset, he gets upset, and I get more upset. Other son gets upset when we get upset. We ended this craziness four years ago. ENOUGH. If it hadn’t been for the wedding and my mother’s funeral, we wouldn’t have seen him.

I accepted his being here. We got along. He came, he left. Good laughs but doesn’t mean we will see or hear from him again. Got hopes up before…not as often as my husband’s… and seen them explode to nothingness… ain’t feeding into it.

Doing fine…until the card. So I vented.

Actually, I awoke this morning feeling great. Maybe it was the venting or maybe it was the prayers received here. But I’m not upset. Got it off my chest.

Kids had a good relationship with my Mom and with the hubby’s Mom but she died when they were very young. No, I never kept husband or kids from his family. His family, as I believe I said before, were at each other’s homes for holidays etc.

Yes, there is no reason why son couldn’t pick up the phone and call his parents. That has nothing to do with her…at least I don’t know if it does. Even if it did, he has a cell and he goes to an office so he can call privately. Doesn’t.

Talked to him? Sure. When he needed my opinion, he was open. When I asked him what was going on, he told me off and, son or no son, he isn’t talking to me like that. He apologized on the machine by the time I got home. But I wasn’t going to ask again.

I am not a pinata. You only can take so much. And many others…brother, godfather, friends his age have extended themselves too but got the blank look.

Yes, we lived near by and then moved far enough away so we can use the fact of the distance as the reason why we don’t see them. It makes it much easier.

 

[aicirt]

Well, I’ve read through the whole thread and frankly feel sorry for the dil. OP, you have not uttered one word about what YOU can do to make the relationship better. That is a red flag to me. Your examples are trivial. It’s all about how YOU deserve to be treated. Bringing up the book of Ruth was almost comical… very self-centered. Perhaps the dil is difficult and not a perfect individual, but the relationship is what it is. You cannot expect people and life to conform to YOUR expectations. It is up to you to be loving and kind and to do your best no matter how you are treated. Of course, we shouldn’t tolerate being abused (that does require a physical separation for safety reasons), but not sending a fruit basket is not abusive. (And about the fruit basket, I don’t believe etiquette wise she needed to send one. Her husband was the grandchild, right? Children and grandchildren of the deceased do not send fruit baskets.)

Bringing up the Book of Ruth was almost comical. Maybe you should notify the Bible printers they got a joke going.

So if I wasn’t a mother-in-law, which this Book is about, it would be okay for me to cite the Book of Ruth but because I am a mil it is very suspicious I’d get anything out of reading about Naomi and her dil?

You are aware Ruth, the daughter-in-law, is the heroine of this story, aren’t you?

You think a person must be loving and kind and do her best NO MATTER HOW SHE IS TREATED? Hmmm. There comes a time when you choose to stay a person and not a doormat.

And you are right…I didn’t need the fruit basket.

 

[Jea9]

I’ve been keeping up on this thread, it’s very interesting to me as a new daughter-in-law. I love my in-laws and my parents both! Though, our respective families will be involved in our children’s lives slightly differently since my in-laws are Catholic and my family is not. We don’t have kids yet, but are hoping to soon. Neither my parents nor his parents will be “invited” to the delivery room, or the hospital after babies are born. When we are home will be soon enough to visit. (unless there are complications that require baby or I to be in the hospital) However, I agree that if a new mom wanted HER mother there and not the MIL, that should be respected by everyone involved. The husband did not just give birth. In healthcare we used to be taught when describing the pain scale (0-10) to describe 0 as no pain and 10 as being “child birth”. When the husband experiences that, he can invite whomever he thinks is appropriate to the hospital.

I had to comment on this because I’ve been following the posts and some things really just stand out at me. To the OP, it really doesn’t seem like there has been enough information for strangers to get an idea of what you’re going through…if you were objectively reading this (about someone else), I’m certain you’d feel the same. I do think that the son has really slacked on his part of the communication. The thing that stands out at me is that you’ve “given up” on your grandchildren. That makes me really sad, even if you don’t get the response that you want from the DIL, the grandkids deserve better than that. My DH loves his family, he doesn’t want to be away from them…for this reason I’m working 2 hours from our home and stay in the town I work 4 days a week. I’ve just started this job, and when we have kids I won’t be working, so that makes it a little easier. But as much as he loves his family, I always have to be the one to call his family and set things up. It’s ok for me, because I love chatting with them. But, if I didn’t get along with them even a little bit, I wouldn’t want to. In fact, I just wouldn’t. So maybe your DIL doesn’t like you or feel close to you for whatever reason (sometimes we are not at fault for someone not liking us but that does not make that person a bad person for doing it), and thus she leaves it up to her husband to handle and he doesn’t. I really think you need to have a long chat with your son and without even mentioning his wife, ask him what can be done to fix this relationship and feel like you can be close now since you and his dad are now starting to have health issues, etc.

Liberanosamalo, I hate to single anyone out (because it seems to always happen to me and I hate it, lol ) but it seems like you are really projecting a lot. I know from your other posts that you were in a bad marriage with an abusive, controlling husband. But that doesn’t mean that every situation that seems to have the same dynamic involves a controlling spouse. In fact, both I and my DH were in relationships with abusive, controlling spouses before…but we shouldn’t let it cloud all of our judgements. That being said, it does seem that you are privvy to more info than the rest of us, however you still only have the MIL’s side.

 

[dulcissima]

Liberanosamalo, I hate to single anyone out (because it seems to always happen to me and I hate it, lol ) but it seems like you are really projecting a lot. I know from your other posts that you were in a bad marriage with an abusive, controlling husband. But that doesn’t mean that every situation that seems to have the same dynamic involves a controlling spouse. In fact, both I and my DH were in relationships with abusive, controlling spouses before…but we shouldn’t let it cloud all of our judgements. That being said, it does seem that you are privvy to more info than the rest of us, however you still only have the MIL’s side.

It’s pretty much a given that in a thread about a mother in law and daughter in law, we’re all gonna project.

 

[Jea9]

It’s pretty much a given that in a thread about a mother in law and daughter in law, we’re all gonna project.

I suppose that’s true…I suppose if we got down to it, on any topic we’re all projecting somewhat. We use our own experiences to help guide others with their experiences. It seems that it becomes detrimental though when we’re discussing something as serious as accusing (not that it was a specific accusation) that a spouse is being abused. I think it goes the same when we’re talking about a wife potentially being abused by a husband. I once did this with a friend, was literally there packing her things for her, when he came in and gave me his side of the story. She then relented and agreed that everything he said was true. I then went with her to the ER so that she could admit herself for a psych eval (after having received help, they are a happily married couple! ).

 

[dulcissima]

I suppose that’s true…I suppose if we got down to it, on any topic we’re all projecting somewhat. We use our own experiences to help guide others with their experiences. It seems that it becomes detrimental though when we’re discussing something as serious as accusing (not that it was a specific accusation) that a spouse is being abused. I think it goes the same when we’re talking about a wife potentially being abused by a husband. I once did this with a friend, was literally there packing her things for her, when he came in and gave me his side of the story. She then relented and agreed that everything he said was true. I then went with her to the ER so that she could admit herself for a psych eval (after having received help, they are a happily married couple! ).

Getting a bit OT here, but real abuse is more about a pattern of behavior than a one time claim. Often those who ARE abused can’t even see it, because their perspective is so off, they’ve been accepting it for so long. Liberanosamalo knows the specific symptoms and red flags for the patterns of behavior. I really wouldn’t discount her advice. And when it comes to abuse, you really don’t have to hear the other side to know what is going on, once you understand the pattern.

 

[kage_ar]

Just have to say, I thank GOD for my MIL. I love her, I love her as a second mother. I will tell you, she loves me as much as she would have if she’d birthed me.

We are soooo opposite, we would never have picked each other out if we’d had the option.

For the flyingfish - you very much DO marry a family. God did not intend for us to go cutting ourselves off from our family of origin. Prayers that your heart softens.

 

[Jea9]

Getting a bit OT here, but real abuse is more about a pattern of behavior than a one time claim. Often those who ARE abused can’t even see it, because their perspective is so off, they’ve been accepting it for so long. Liberanosamalo knows the specific symptoms and red flags for the patterns of behavior. I really wouldn’t discount her advice. And when it comes to abuse, you really don’t have to hear the other side to know what is going on, once you understand the pattern.

I have also been abused. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. For five years. I know there are red flags. I do not think that you can get the information you need to say “that’s abuse” from a third party even if it were in person. The fact is, the MIL is not present at her son’s home, she has her observations from an outside perspective. For all we know, the son is the abusive one and the reason the family isn’t in much contact is because HE doesn’t want his mom to know. Likely? Maybe THAT’S why she didn’t sign his name to the card. The fact is that we don’t have enough information to make a suggestion that maybe her son is being abused. And for the record, I would say the same if it were a mother concerned about her daughter. There is SO much that goes on inside a home that we cannot possibly be privvy to even if we know a couple, let alone getting information from someone who does not live with them. Yes, if we are concerned about someone we love we should investigate. I just think that there are too many unknowns for us here.

FWIW I am not discounting her advice, but not every married situation that makes someone unhappy (the rest of the family, the spouse, etc.) involves an abusive partner.

 

[Am2010]

For all of the people saying their in laws won’t be invited to the hospital after birth is this thinking common where you live?.I have a large extended family and many friends of childbearing age.No one excluded family/friends from coming to the hospital.I had 4 good sized babies(8 and 9 pounders) I was fine the next morning to receive visitors(even an hour after birth for close relatives like both sets of excited grandparents.)
Come to think of it,every episode of A Baby Story on TLC features this (excited Grandparents etc there to visit Parents and new baby) CAF is truly an alternate universe LOL