What should I do?

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abelin said:
My aunt had a go at him although she tried to console him
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Your aunt should not have consoled him! That would have just made him feel better bout his ‘sin’ with the OW. And who cares about the OW, Your concern should be for your mother. Tell her. Then leave it up to the two adults to handle, If it comes down to divorce, there is nothing you can do. Your father messed up and will have to suffer the consequences of his actions. And yes, it will affect you, your mother. But that is something you have to live with and get on with your life as best as you can. It will be your cross to bear. God places trials in our lives to test us.
 
abelin said:
I know she wants my father destroying everything else in the process but she kinda has a maternal instinct towards me. I’ve just sent my sister an email myabe she’ll hold more sway
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The OW has a maternal instinct towards you?? Wake up kid!! She is making you take sides! Don’t fall for that!! She is making you leave your mother and that will leave your mother all by herself. Maybe you should watch soap operas and learn something of human nature.
 
abelin said:
I told her that my dad had been seeing someone else but without all the details and she invariably took it quite badly and stormed out of the house
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The chances are high that she knew but hadn’t wanted to admit it. It is almost impossible that your dad and this woman were so careless that they didn’t hide from you without also being so careless that your mother had no clues of her own to confront.

This is your father’s doing, not yours. Do not let anyone accuse you of having done anything wrong by letting your mother know she was being treated in this way. That is deceit talking, even if it is from your mother. This isn’t a situation that she could have morally chosen to tolerate. I am guessing, however, that even if your dad tries to guilt trip you, you are the last person in the world that your mother will blame, and that if anything she is angry on your behalf, that you had to know about this at all. If she expresses that she wishes you had let sleeping dogs lie, however, do not take that to heart at all. Especially considering how shamelessly your father and his lover paraded in front of you, you had no choice but to get this into the light. The infection cannot be treated without lancing the boil. The result is nasty to have to see, but necessary, and waiting longer only makes the damage to be healed that much worse.
 
abelin said:
I haven’t got back to her
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Remember that she is the adult and you are the son, not her father. Do not take too much of this on your own shoulders, but rather help her to keep in touch with the supportive people she’ll need to get through this. When someone needs help out of the water, it is best that the strongest swimmer jump in to do it, rather than the swimmer who cares the most, lest both the rescued and the rescuer be put in more danger than necessary. Gawkers only get in the way–this should not be common knowledge for anyone not needed to help your mom–but the more real help and the more strong connections to shore, the better. Really encourage her to talk to your pastor as she goes through this.
 
EasterJoy said:
Remember that she is the adult and you are the son, not her father. Do not take too much of this on your own shoulders, but rather help her to keep in touch with the supportive people she’ll need to get through this. When someone needs help out of the water, it is best that the strongest swimmer jump in to do it, rather than the swimmer who cares the most, lest both the rescued and the rescuer be put in more danger than necessary. Gawkers only get in the way–this should not be common knowledge for anyone not needed to help your mom–but the more real help and the more strong connections to shore, the better. Really encourage her to talk to your pastor as she goes through this.
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Thanks, but i fear my mom’s too proud to admit this to anyone!
 
abelin said:
Thanks, but i fear my mom’s too proud to admit this to anyone!
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That is her choice, and you ought to expect that she may not confide in you concerning which adults she does tell. You can be there for her without taking this onto your shoulders, though.

Hang in there…you’ve done the right thing, but your dad has given your family something very difficult to face. I’m sorry you have to go through it, but you can do it. This is a good time to confide in your pastor, as you can rely on him to be absolutely discrete. He will not even tell your mother what you have confided in him, if you ask him not to, provided that outside of the confessional you do not let him know you are a danger to yourself or something like that, of course. Still, it is in the education and formation of priests to guide the faithful through just such an awful time. Do not be afraid to use him for your counselor and support.
 
EasterJoy said:
That is her choice, and you ought to expect that she may not confide in you concerning which adults she does tell. You can be there for her without taking this onto your shoulders, though.
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Should I be nicer to her?
 
abelin said:
Should I be nicer to her?
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Are you not as nice to your mother as you can be already? 😉

Seriously, though, I would mostly suggest that you be ready to overlook it if she reacts to you out of stress or if she is not as organized as usual. If you quietly pick up some of the slack on things she is usually fine to do herself, that would be good. She may be more difficult to be around, your parents may have some scenes that you’ll need to give them room to have without her feeling a need to protect you from them. IOW, if they’re having a discussion about this, give them the privacy to have it. Try to get yourself support so that you won’t blow off steam around her in reaction to the stress yourself. Don’t try to keep it all bottled up inside, but realize that your family is in for a rough ride for awhile at least. Your parents may not be there for you, but you have a sister and you have relatives to lean on, you have friends and a pastor. Look for that help; you can make a difference in how this goes.
 
EasterJoy said:
Are you not as nice to your mother as you can be already? 😉

Seriously, though, I would mostly suggest that you be ready to overlook it if she reacts to you out of stress or if she is not as organized as usual. If you quietly pick up some of the slack on things she is usually fine to do herself, that would be good. She may be more difficult to be around, your parents may have some scenes that you’ll need to give them room to have without her feeling a need to protect you from them. IOW, if they’re having a discussion about this, give them the privacy to have it. Try to get yourself support so that you won’t blow off steam around her in reaction to the stress yourself. Don’t try to keep it all bottled up inside, but realize that your family is in for a rough ride for awhile at least. Your parents may not be there for you, but you have a sister and you have relatives to lean on, you have friends and a pastor. Look for that help; you can make a difference in how this goes.
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I kinda hate her
 
abelin said:
I kinda hate her
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Sixteen year olds have been known to feel that way, even when their mothers deserve better…and not all mothers are easy for a 16 year old to live with. At any rate, it is not your job to get her through this; that would be too much on young shoulders, even if you wanted the task. Try to do what you can not to make her life unduly difficult, though, and do as much as you can to make it easier. No one deserves what she’s getting, except maybe those who have flagrant affairs of their own to repent from.

That doesn’t mean she’s a perfect wife or mother, but that if she’s made life hard on you and your dad, your dad needed to have taken care of that–that is, either mending his marriage or finding through the work of trying to mend it that it cannot be fixed and needs to be ended in order to provide you with a peaceful place to live–and not off with some other woman. He let you down, but that is water under the bridge. The thing that needs to happen is for him to not let you down now. Do not have anything to do with his lover and do not feel any need to be silent about what you think about it if he does not cut the affair off. You deserve a father who is faithful to your mother, even a mother that is not easy for anyone to take.

Hang in there.
 
abelin said:
I kinda hate her
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Be careful, too, that you do not let your dad or his lover poison you against your mom. Your dad, by the way, may have poisoned his lover against your mother as a way of lowering the lover’s resistance to the advances of a married man. It is the oldest ploy in the book–a ploy the straying spouse may be using to deceive even himself!!–to convince yourself and your lover that you “deserve” to break your vows because your spouse is just so hard to live with, while you are so good for each other and such wonderful lovers for each other, tragic soul mates and all of that. You may as well try to convince yourself that it is OK to cheat on your taxes because you think the people in the government don’t do their jobs right. It’s a crock of nonsense meant to give oneself permission to sin, and don’t let them infect you with it.
 
EasterJoy said:
Be careful, too, that you do not let your dad or his lover poison you against your mom. Your dad, by the way, may have poisoned his lover against your mother as a way of lowering the lover’s resistance to the advances of a married man. It is the oldest ploy in the book–a ploy the straying spouse may be using to deceive even himself!!–to convince yourself and your lover that you “deserve” to break your vows because your spouse is just so hard to live with, while you are so good for each other and such wonderful lovers for each other, tragic soul mates and all of that. You may as well try to convince yourself that it is OK to cheat on your taxes because you think the people in the government don’t do their jobs right. It’s a crock of nonsense meant to give oneself permission to sin, and don’t let them infect you with it.
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I don’t know how she got my number but the ow keeps on texting me!
 
abelin said:
I don’t think so, she sends me messages like "Fancy, coming over on Saturday for lunch? etc etc
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my what a mess. you sound very confused as if your not sure whiat to feel. can you get help from a priest or close aquaintance?
 
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