What to do when you feel rebellion in your soul against the reality of your vocation

[slh3016]

It’s fine, you don’t need to agree and if you are able to receive outside help even from Church then by all means accept it if you like. It’s not wrong to have help but it also is not false that throughout history many people have not had it. Little House on the Prairie was not in my line of thought quite honestly. Not in my family history and I never watched the show growing up. I did read a couple of the books in school though. I was thinking more along the lines of military, indigenous and immigrant families–that’s my (and my husband’s) family line so that’s what I tend to think of as a point of reference. I see nothing wrong with stepping out and seeking help if that’s what you need, want and can get, but not everyone is in a position that makes that possible. Many people truly can’t and the reasons can be their own choosing or life circumstances. No matter the reason, they can make it successfully and be joyful along the way. Many of us do. Personally I see nothing wrong with children working hard. They also play hard and study hard as well. Each generation has had a better life than the one previous in our families, but it is completely up to the individual children to decide if they are willing to push higher themselves. Teaching them to work hard is the key to success–either through that manual labor or studying. As parents we give them the keys to a better life but they need to decide for themselves if they will use them.

I also believe it is 100% possible to know God’s Will for our lives and to align our will to His. When we do align our will to His Will, all things are possible. It isn’t always easy and yes at times it is tremendously difficult. Still we find joy in the journey if we allow ourselves to.

Even if some families didn’t have paid help that doesn’t mean they didn’t have help for some things. For instance, in large families, usually the oldest starts taking over many of the mom’s duties once they are old enough and helped with cooking, cleaning, etc. Truly, I don’t think most moms in the past were expected to wear all the hats that today’s moms are wearing and do them perfectly. I don’t think they put that much internal pressure on themselves to do so.

 

[jmjZelie]

Re the toddler: my MIL had eight kids, and homeschooled them all. Once older siblings were of an age where they could be asked to chase a baby or toddler and be responsible about it–say, around 7ish–they were each expected to take 20-30 minutes of toddler-chasing per day while Mom taught lessons, did housework, cooked, dealt with paperwork, or handled one of the myriad mom chores that are infinitely easier without a baby or toddler howling for attention or trying to chug the cleaning supplies. Could you schedule something like that with your older kids (I’m not sure what age range yours are), thus giving you a bit of space to pray/relax/read Scripture/even just take a 20-minute catnap?

This is how our family does work now. Older kids help the younger kids. Everyone pitches in. Even the toddler can load the washing machine with the dirty laundry when I ask and the kindergartener can put away folded laundry and do her morning routine all by herself. Just a couple examples…

 

[pensmama87]

It’s fine, you don’t need to agree and if you are able to receive outside help even from Church then by all means accept it if you like. It’s not wrong to have help but it also is not false that throughout history many people have not had it. Little House on the Prairie was not in my line of thought quite honestly. Not in my family history and I never watched the show growing up. I did read a couple of the books in school though. I was thinking more along the lines of military, indigenous and immigrant families–that’s my (and my husband’s) family line so that’s what I tend to think of as a point of reference. I see nothing wrong with stepping out and seeking help if that’s what you need, want and can get, but not everyone is in a position that makes that possible. Many people truly can’t and the reasons can be their own choosing or life circumstances. No matter the reason, they can make it successfully and be joyful along the way. Many of us do. Personally I see nothing wrong with children working hard. They also play hard and study hard as well. Each generation has had a better life than the one previous in our families, but it is completely up to the individual children to decide if they are willing to push higher themselves. Teaching them to work hard is the key to success–either through that manual labor or studying. As parents we give them the keys to a better life but they need to decide for themselves if they will use them.

I also believe it is 100% possible to know God’s Will for our lives and to align our will to His. When we do align our will to His Will, all things are possible. It isn’t always easy and yes at times it is tremendously difficult. Still we find joy in the journey if we allow ourselves to.

I am confused where you think I am saying that I shouldn’t expect my children to work hard or that I’m somehow making excuses for laziness.

I think it is, frankly, dangerous to expect to be completely self sufficient in everything. Not good for mind, body, or spirit. We need community. God designed us that way. We are called to help one another.

I think everything the OP is saying points to needing a change in responsibility somewhere. For me it was having occasional time alone or with friends, without kids. I sought out what was necessary to make that happen. So I share that in the hope that maybe it will be helpful.

 

[UbiCaritas]

This is how our family does work now. Older kids help the younger kids. Everyone pitches in. Even the toddler can load the washing machine with the dirty laundry when I ask and the kindergartener can put away folded laundry and do her morning routine all by herself. Just a couple examples…

That sounds awesome! But do they specifically give you some toddler- and baby-free time? I don’t mean to nag–tone of voice is so hard to convey in a post! I’m asking because I imagine that if that’s not the case now, it could make a positive difference for you.

 

[jmjZelie]

Um…okay…examples of my selfishness…

Spending time here at CAF when someone is trying to talk to me or I should be doing some work.

Reading a favorite newspaper for longer than I really can spare.

Feeling put out and upset by ANOTHER dirty diaper or ANOTHER middle of the night feeding.

Losing my patience and raising my voice at my children and deciding not to use a healthier way to address their mistake or misbehavior.

Getting seriously annoyed by stuff being left out and grousing and trumping about it instead of calmly asking for it to be picked up.

 

[jmjZelie]

That sounds awesome! But do they specifically give you some toddler- and baby-free time? I don’t mean to nag–tone of voice is so hard to convey in a post! I’m asking because I imagine that if that’s not the case now, it could make a positive difference for you.

No they cannot because my toddler is very daring and hard to contain. The older children can help but not without my presence. And the baby usually wants no one but mommy. I do get away sometimes for boot camp class, which is awesome (and painful!).

 

[pensmama87]

No they cannot because my toddler is very daring and hard to contain. The older children can help but not without my presence. And the baby usually wants no one but mommy. I do get away sometimes for boot camp class, which is awesome (and painful!).

My mother used to enforce nap/rest time every afternoon after lunch. Would something like that be a possibility? If they aren’t used to it now, it could be tiring to implement, but once it’s there, you’d get, say, an hour to yourself every single day.

 

[jmjZelie]

My mother used to enforce nap/rest time every afternoon after lunch. Would something like that be a possibility? If they aren’t used to it now, it could be tiring to implement, but once it’s there, you’d get, say, an hour to yourself every single day.

No. I have tried. I cannot get both babies to nap at the same time and also keep my school age children on task and be able to nap. So I cannot do it. Plus after years of this, I cannot shut my brain down for a nap. But the good news is, I do not consume caffeine after lunch and yet I still function. So I got that going for me!

 

[NovusFidem]

Just to start: I am a fresh-out-of-university Nurse. I worked with caregiver burden (mostly of caregiver for elderly people, but the burden is all the same), doing actual field research on the subject, so I am speaking here with a bit of experience.

I put in bold everything you said that **indicates ** a risk for stress, burnout, or caregiver burden. I don’t know you, so I am going by what you say.

Every single moment of my day is accounted for, serving my family (but no time for yourself?). I have a large family and we homeschool. (I am stealing this time from when I am supervising outside play, so I can post my question.) From 5am, when I nurse the baby before I get up to start the day, till 9pm when I have finished with the family rosary and bedtime routines, and then through the night with multiple wake ups to nurse the baby or soothe a scared child after a nightmare, to start it all over again the next morning, which is always way too early. I am regularly a bit weepy and begging for grace (this is a call for help) every morning.
I would say I am burnt out, except I am not (yes, you are. And it is NORMAL to be, don’t feel bad for it. You are a wonderful mother, and you are allowed to feel tired and sad, sometimes). I WANT to be doing precisely what I am doing. I am exhausted, but it is in service to the people I love and to my God Whom I adore that I am doing all this. I wouldn’t change a thing (except perhaps want things to be a bit quieter). Objectively, I accept and embrace my vocation and all it entails. But subjectively, I feel that inner rebellion (we call it exhaustion) that steals my joy. I am trying to learn how to be ever more self-disciplined and obedient to God’s will for me at this point in my life, and God has been generous with His grace.
So how to I fully embrace my busy, loud, demanding, yet good, life, and squash my inner rebellion (by taking a time for yourself to rest. Call grandma, grandpa, auntie, uncle to help around), and find joy in my vocation? Does this even make sense? (This is the third time I have written a post to ask this question, but it seems I can never express this problem succinctly or adequately…)
Thanks in advance to anyone who has any insight into this problem, and God bless you.

I can’t say much from here, but it seem you are truly burnt out.

From the little experience I have as a nurse… that is rather common. You are doing something you love and want to do, but** at a pace that is tiring you** much too quickly.

I’d suggest some free time for you. You are allowed time away from your family to calm down your nerves and, in fact, you may actually need it.

Most people who work, even on jobs they love, go out on vacation every once in a while, because they know they need to rest, take their minds away from all their worries. Your body and mind need to rest, I can’t stress this out well enough, preferably before any problems comes up. In your case, the symptoms of exhaustion are already poking at you.

I work with nurses and caregivers (for elderly people). One thing I found out that is indispensable for a person to provide care: YOU need to be healthy. A stressed nurse can commit deadly mistakes. An ill caregiver cannot provide for the person under their care. A stressed mother may soon get depressed not knowing why.

A mother shouldn’t be stressed, and that is what you are.

Stress is not hating your children, or being sad with your life. No. Stress is being overworked, worried, unrest, even if it is by doing something you love doing.

I know you love what you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be asking for help.** You love your children, you just need to love yourself a bit more.**

Look at it this way: if you get sick (and you will if the stress persists for too long), who will take care of your kids? Your husband will have to take care of you AND of the children, while also working. By denying yourself rest, you are only going to hurt your family more than a simple day-off would.

Unwind. Take a weekday for you, every week if possible. Better yet, set aside a moment of the day just for you. Get someone to take care of the kids for one or two hours, because you need it. Order takeout, just for a day, so you don’t have to cook dinner. You don’t need to do it all the time, but once in a while, to reduce your burden for a time…

Get the kids to do something calming with you, like watching a movie at home. Or give them an afternoon nap-time - it’s what most day cares do, because they know the professionals working for them can’t be working on 120% all the time.

You need to rest. Don’t hurt yourself more, just because you may be unwilling of admitting you are already hurt. You said you are exhausted. You said you are burnt out. You said you are weepy. YOU NEED TO REST. :stretcher:

My experience is little, I know, but I am confident of what I am saying. Please, please, please! Take care of yourself. You won’t be able to take care and love your family if (and when) something worse comes out of this stress.

The Bible says: love your neighbour as you love yourself. From what I can see, you are not loving yourself well enough to love someone else just yet.

(I recommend reading: catholichow.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/embracing-humility-by-learning-to-love-yourself/

Sincerely, from one nurse to another

PS: If you need to talk, I am available. Can’t say I have much to offer, but sometimes, all you need is to talk

 

[pianistclare]

Not all families have had servants all throughout history. There is a great deal of people that have not had outside help at all, not even from family and friends. It is not new at all for that to happen whether people plan it as such or whether life dictates that for them. I see nothing wrong with having help or hiring things out, but in the long run for a family where that isn’t possible–either by choice or circumstance–continuously pointing out how much easier it makes things is pointless. Throughout history, the middle class and above have had their share of hired help or servants or slaves. Most people below that economic class did not have that possibility. Not everyone lives (or in the past lived) near family so yes, many did do “everything” on their own. They managed and they survived. I can tell you truthfully no one in my family on either side had any outside help for at least the last 4 generations–and that stretches back to the mid-1800’s in my family. On my dad’s side they did have family nearby. My mom’s had no one. It gets old hearing about how virtually everyone always had servants/etc. when in reality a good deal of people never had help–they were the help. Then they also had their own families to care for. In my husband’s family there has never been the help described here–no one would even dream it possible. And homeschooling has been done since the beginning of time, usually by the same people who couldn’t afford help because the cost of sending children to school was impossible to come up with, or they lived where there were no schools yet, or because the kids had to work along with their parents, or even because they were of a race/color/creed that was not allowed to attend the schools with the families that could afford the help. Yes, it is more than possible in our modern world of washing machines, dishwashers, electric ovens, computers and all the other things that cut our work load in half to successfully live without hiring out anything. If you can afford to, GREAT!!! But it’s not possible for most people now so it’s not helpful to continuously bring it up. People need to be thankful and say thanksgiving prayers daily to help stay focused on the positive. Kids grow do fast and time is fleeting. Enjoy the little things before they are all gone and the children are grown.

I don’t think you understand the point of those posts.
The point is…that historically…the notion of being all things to all people was not widespread.
Nobody is advocating going out and hiring servants.

 

[jmjZelie]

Yes. We all need this. Jesus took time out constantly, to spend in prayer or simply to “relax” (perhaps not a word used in the bible exactly), and he made sure his disciples did so too.

Here is a quote worth relfecting on, attributed to St Francis de Sales: “Everyone of us needs half an hour of prayer each day, except when we are busy—then we need an hour.”

Yes, adult conversation is very important. The ability to express our inner thoughts out load to another adult is helpful in processing those thoughts. Or it could just be the need for some adult conversation in general, which many stay at home parents struggle with, being constantly surrounded by little people who talk about very different things. A little time away from them and time with other adults can help recharge the batteries and face life’s day-to-day challenges afresh.

St. Frances de Sales is my confirmation saint. It is through his writings that I have learned to discern God’s will. Talk about knowledge of God’s will for one’s life…he wrote the book on that. Literally.
My husband and I do not have a TV in our home. After we put the kids to bed each evening (7:30, even for the older ones) and make sure we finish the rosary, we make time for conversation, usually on non-parenting related topics. I am always telling him about some thing or other I have read that day, and then we debate or discuss.

 

[pianistclare]

Um…okay…examples of my selfishness…

Spending time here at CAF when someone is trying to talk to me or I should be doing some work.

Reading a favorite newspaper for longer than I really can spare.

Feeling put out and upset by ANOTHER dirty diaper or ANOTHER middle of the night feeding.

Losing my patience and raising my voice at my children and deciding not to use a healthier way to address their mistake or misbehavior.

Getting seriously annoyed by stuff being left out and grousing and trumping about it instead of calmly asking for it to be picked up.

None of that is selfishness.
Is there an older woman at your parish you can spend an afternoon with?
A seasoned mother’s perspective is always a big help.

 

[pensmama87]

No. I have tried. I cannot get both babies to nap at the same time and also keep my school age children on task and be able to nap. So I cannot do it. Plus after years of this, I cannot shut my brain down for a nap. But the good news is, I do not consume caffeine after lunch and yet I still function. So I got that going for me!

I am not saying that you have to do this idea, but I do have a few ideas about how you could change the situation to try and make it happen, if you wanted to:

Your older children could also take a school break at this time (or do independent reading or some other quiet self-directed activity).

You could try and tinker with bedtime so younger children would have at least one shared naptime.

You wouldn’t necessarily have to nap, but could at least have some quiet time to yourself.

If one of your younger children is more amenable to being cared for by an older sibling, and you trust that older sibling to be able to handle it, they could put down for nap while you put down the other.

It may be hard for you to see ways to adjust because you are already so tired, but you’re not locked into the same methods you’ve always had. As the situation changes (kids age, more kids, etc.) you have to be able to adjust too.

 

[jmjZelie]

Oh and one more piece of info that is pertinent: we have no family within thousands of miles. We are literally across the continent. We have moved often. We are not military, but my husband is in a field that often involves lots of moving around. We have been in our current location for about three months or so. We are making new friends though!

 

[jmjZelie]

I am not saying that you have to do this idea, but I do have a few ideas about how you could change the situation to try and make it happen, if you wanted to:

Your older children could also take a school break at this time (or do independent reading or some other quiet self-directed activity).

You could try and tinker with bedtime so younger children would have at least one shared naptime.

You wouldn’t necessarily have to nap, but could at least have some quiet time to yourself.

If one of your younger children is more amenable to being cared for by an older sibling, and you trust that older sibling to be able to handle it, they could put down for nap while you put down the other.

It may be hard for you to see ways to adjust because you are already so tired, but you’re not locked into the same methods you’ve always had. As the situation changes (kids age, more kids, etc.) you have to be able to adjust too.

They do have a shared nap time. They just do not always cooperate. And bedtime is at 7:30-8 (for all the children), and we are strict about that.

 

[Xantippe]

Re the toddler: my MIL had eight kids, and homeschooled them all. Once older siblings were of an age where they could be asked to chase a baby or toddler and be responsible about it–say, around 7ish–they were each expected to take 20-30 minutes of toddler-chasing per day while Mom taught lessons, did housework, cooked, dealt with paperwork, or handled one of the myriad mom chores that are infinitely easier without a baby or toddler howling for attention or trying to chug the cleaning supplies. Could you schedule something like that with your older kids (I’m not sure what age range yours are), thus giving you a bit of space to pray/relax/read Scripture/even just take a 20-minute catnap?

ETA: One last thing, and again, I’m not sure what your kids’ age ranges are. Do you have kids in the late tweens/early teens stage yet? If so, can one of them take on dinner duties one night per week? When I was about nine or ten, I’d cook dinner every Thursday night. It might not have been anything fancy, but a pot of lentil stew and a pan of biscuits will leave everyone happy and satisfied without there being too much cleanup afterwards, and it would teach a valuable life skill, too.

Very good. I now have a 13, 10 and 2 year old, and both of those things are starting to be options. My big kids routinely take the toddler for 15 minutes each during the summer or when my husband is traveling for business. 30 minutes is a big deal, especially around shower time.

Also, I’ve had my oldest in summer cooking classes for a number of years now. She’s mainly a cake gal, but she does make yummy French toast, and during the summer, we often have that for dinner. I’ve been doing the math on this and once my middle child joins the dinner crew, it’s going to be much easier to deal with dinner from now on.

Pity they aren’t born 8 years old…

 

[bitterhope]

I don’t think you understand the point of those posts.
The point is…that historically…the notion of being all things to all people was not widespread.
Nobody is advocating going out and hiring servants.

And I think you (and some others) are missing the point that it is useless to repeatedly bring up things that are not helpful. Between hiring things out and suggesting she stop schooling her kids, not much else is being suggested. Yet those are things she has stated she isn’t interested in doing.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh and one more piece of info that is pertinent: we have no family within thousands of miles. We are literally across the continent. We have moved often. We are not military, but my husband is in a field that often involves lots of moving around. We have been in our current location for about three months or so. We are making new friends though!

That is great! Community is so important. Finding a homeschooling group or connecting with other parents through activities for your kids or through your parish will probably help.

Three months in from a move is still in the adjustment phase for sure…I moved a lot growing up and it took a long time to settle in to new places and routines. Just be gentle with yourself and realize it doesn’t all happen at once. :hug1:

 

[Xantippe]

I think it is, frankly, dangerous to expect to be completely self sufficient in everything. Not good for mind, body, or spirit. We need community. God designed us that way. We are called to help one another.

Right. Just pragmatically, what happens if you have a serious life setback (cancer, etc.) and you have no support outside of the household? Or what happens to other people if they have no support outside their households? We need other people, if only for merest survival.

My mom had cancer when I was 15. We were long-time members of a Pentecostal church at the time and she had been teaching Sunday school for . Oh, how the casseroles rolled in! (At least initially.)

Less dramatically, I was giving a ride to a single mom and her son (my son’s classmate) from our school. She’d had car trouble for much of this summer and I was just agog by the list of people she mentioned that had helped her out with rides–it was amazing and very touching. Not coincidentally–she has always been right there to help other people.

 

[NovusFidem]

Your older children could also take a school break at this time (or do independent reading or some other quiet self-directed activity).

This is a wonderful idea. One day (or week) of rest would do good to them and to you.

Do you allow them a vacation period? If you do, how is your routine when it happens?

You worry that you can’t give the nap-time while the older kids are doing their tasks. Is it possible, at some time in the day, to allow a moment where no-one has any tasks to do? Where you can let the older kids play by themselves, put the smaller ones to nap and take a break?

I am pretty sure you won’t be able to sleep, that I am. I went through something similar with my baby brother, where you are** too alert** to be able to rest. However, I think that just two hours of silence and leisure would do wonders to you. You just need to make sure everything is taken care of (the alertness continues, if you are worried others won’t be taking care of things). It is a process, so start small. Eventually you’ll start to feel well-rested from your “me” time, even if you don’t get to sleep.

One suggestion I have, is to enjoy bed-time. The kids will be all at rest, and you have a couple hours to **unwind **before going to sleep. You could wake them up later as well, to get a few extra minutes of silence for yourself.

Also, as for the babies. There are calming techniques all around the internet. One that I’ve seen to have more success is to put the kids at your chest (just to rest close to your heart). By calming yourself, you’ll be calming them into sleep. You just need to learn to calm yourself