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The_Catechumen
Guest
It is. Few single men have enough going on in their life to constructively distract them from affairs of the flesh. It’s a matter of perspective; our false sense of worldly immortality prevents us from thinking about the things which truly matter in this world – love, family, God, posterity, eternity. For most people, it’s far too easy to get caught up in the moment at the expense of the future. Carpe diem is a wonderful motto for those with self-control, and horribly self-destructive for those who do not.Hi, Jay, and welcome to the forums!
I agree it is hard for those who are committed to abstinence until marriage. A friend of mine (and coworker at my school) just turned 32 and has remained abstinent. Although she is not holding out for a man who has done the same, she would at least like a man who can remain chaste throughout dating, courtship, and engagement. Apparently that is just asking too much of most men
She’s doing that which others will not do in order to have that which others never will. This is commendable, and God bless you for reminding her of the same.
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Rose71
Guest
Well, I quite studying after 15th century politics and I am a rotten gardener, so I guess that leaves me out.
Oh, can you tell me what this “thinking” thing is? I have never heard of it. Sounds kind of boring, though.
never mind! I couldn’t afford the 'plane ticket anyway! (which would at least guarentee a chaste courtship
)
I think there has been sufficient advice on how to think already!Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose71
The problem when getting to know someone is how do you bring up the subject without sounding like you are already planning the wedding and even if you do - how do you know how much they actually understand?
I do it by way of cormudgeon comments. You don’t need to make it a personal reference. You can mention the thing in abstract.
Quote:
Men - you just don’t THINK, do you?!!!
Of course we do not THINK. We actually SOLVE problems.
How about 26C BC Mesopotamian politics? (Told you law is boring.)
Nah! You just think you have solved the problem!I am incapable of curmudgeonly comments! :getholy:
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VivienneJ
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Interesting thread this.
It dawned on me soon after converting to Catholocism that I had now reduced the likelyhood of marriage to almost nil. I’ve done the growing-up-in-two-different-denominations thing; I’ve done the marriage-to-someone-from-a-different-denomination thing. Growing up was fine, we just never went to church as a family :sad_yes: except for baptism, confirmation, weddings and funerals and there was always the sense of someone going to a church they were unfamiliar with. I loved being married, left my church to join my husband’s until I had children and realised I did not know how to bring them up in a form of Christianity that was (very) strange to me.
As an older (note the er there) widow, I always knew the options for re-marriage were few. As a Catholic, wanting a Catholic spouse, well miracles are always possible.
Last year I said I was quite content to remain single; last month I said I was quite content to remain single; last week I said I was quite content to remain single; why do I keep having to say it? I guess because deep down I don’t believe a word of it
Hey, where did all that introspective, philosophy come from?? Me?
More to the point, where is a pracitsing Catholic, older man, prefeably a non-smoker - all the rest of the issues can be discussed, oh, and BTW I constantly live half a world away from most of CAF
(The Catechumen, BTW while I worked in the Anglican church I regarded the local funeral director as one of my good friends, although he was misguided enough to be a Baptist - his wife was also a friend of mine, so there are people out there who do marry funeral directors.)
It dawned on me soon after converting to Catholocism that I had now reduced the likelyhood of marriage to almost nil. I’ve done the growing-up-in-two-different-denominations thing; I’ve done the marriage-to-someone-from-a-different-denomination thing. Growing up was fine, we just never went to church as a family :sad_yes: except for baptism, confirmation, weddings and funerals and there was always the sense of someone going to a church they were unfamiliar with. I loved being married, left my church to join my husband’s until I had children and realised I did not know how to bring them up in a form of Christianity that was (very) strange to me.
As an older (note the er there) widow, I always knew the options for re-marriage were few. As a Catholic, wanting a Catholic spouse, well miracles are always possible.
Last year I said I was quite content to remain single; last month I said I was quite content to remain single; last week I said I was quite content to remain single; why do I keep having to say it? I guess because deep down I don’t believe a word of it
Hey, where did all that introspective, philosophy come from?? Me?
More to the point, where is a pracitsing Catholic, older man, prefeably a non-smoker - all the rest of the issues can be discussed, oh, and BTW I constantly live half a world away from most of CAF
(The Catechumen, BTW while I worked in the Anglican church I regarded the local funeral director as one of my good friends, although he was misguided enough to be a Baptist - his wife was also a friend of mine, so there are people out there who do marry funeral directors.)
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chevalier
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Naw, you just need to accept the harsh reality, you know.
One or both of you will be relocating when you move into one house when married, so you might as well look in your home part of the country.
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jmcrae
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Luckily, I was young and naive when I got married, or else it never would have happened. (He smoked, only went to Church when I dragged him there, and unbeknownst to me, he was quite deep in debt.)
We worked it all out after the ceremony - it didn’t take him long to become a debt-free non-smoking church-goer - (and then I went and converted to Catholic on him, but hey, you can’t have everything).
He knows how to fix the plumbing when things go wrong, he doesn’t mind sitting through my TV shows, he eats my cooking without complaining, he gets along well with my parents, and we communicate at least reasonably well. So, no worries!
We worked it all out after the ceremony - it didn’t take him long to become a debt-free non-smoking church-goer - (and then I went and converted to Catholic on him, but hey, you can’t have everything).
He knows how to fix the plumbing when things go wrong, he doesn’t mind sitting through my TV shows, he eats my cooking without complaining, he gets along well with my parents, and we communicate at least reasonably well. So, no worries!
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chevalier
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There are shows and shows, you know.
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Snerticus
Guest
LOL, I hear ya!!!
I had my first date when I was 26. No kidding. Because all my life I had been shy. Now, I’m divorced but not annulled. And I want to remain single. I came to the realization that the reason I was so shy and didn’t start dating until really late was because God wanted me to stay single. I have no plans to remarry - ever. Or even date anymore. I love solitude - just me and God. It’s too peaceful and I’m too content.
My life is God’s now.
God Bless,
Snert
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Gertabelle
Guest
I haven’t dated (that is, exchanged emails, phone calls, met for coffee or dinner) in well over a year. Some of my friends at work keep “harassing” me to just go out and meet people (men, I presume).
But this past year I’ve been in a real muddle about whether to remain single or pursue marriage. In my mind, until I have that worked out, there’s no point in “dating.” It’s not like I expect an engagement ring on the first date (I wouldn’t accept one until at least the third date). I’ve had all the “practice” I ever care to have of initiating communication with unknown men, and meeting for the first time, and getting through those awkward moments where he starts crying like a baby, yells at me and hangs up the phone
At this point in life, if I just want to go out and meet people, I’d rather do it with my friends and their families, who I know are, for the most part, mentally stable and not interested in sleeping with me at the end of our get-togethers.
Do any of you “date” just for something to do? Or do you see “dating” as a precursor to courtship, engagement, marriage?
Just curious.
Gertie
But this past year I’ve been in a real muddle about whether to remain single or pursue marriage. In my mind, until I have that worked out, there’s no point in “dating.” It’s not like I expect an engagement ring on the first date (I wouldn’t accept one until at least the third date
). I’ve had all the “practice” I ever care to have of initiating communication with unknown men, and meeting for the first time, and getting through those awkward moments where he starts crying like a baby, yells at me and hangs up the phone At this point in life, if I just want to go out and meet people, I’d rather do it with my friends and their families, who I know are, for the most part, mentally stable and not interested in sleeping with me at the end of our get-togethers.
Do any of you “date” just for something to do? Or do you see “dating” as a precursor to courtship, engagement, marriage?
Just curious.
Gertie
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The_Catechumen
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I did until very recently. But as I seem to have fallen flat on my face with it time and time again (contrary to where I was just a few short years ago) and now I’m reevaluating where I stand with the whole dating thing. Lately it has been a source of heartburn and a financial sink. And yes I did see it as a first step in a progression to marriage.
I suppose I’ll be giving formal courtship a real shot in the future. Who would have thought that it would turn out to be the ‘alternative’ form of companionship development?
I suppose I’ll be giving formal courtship a real shot in the future. Who would have thought that it would turn out to be the ‘alternative’ form of companionship development?
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Gertabelle
Guest
Forgive me, I don’t know much about you, but a couple of things in your post sent up a red flag for me. My comments may not apply to your situation, but I just felt I needed to say something in response.LOL, I hear ya!!!
I had my first date when I was 26. No kidding. Because all my life I had been shy. Now, I’m divorced but not annulled. And I want to remain single. I came to the realization that the reason I was so shy and didn’t start dating until really late was because God wanted me to stay single. I have no plans to remarry - ever. Or even date anymore. I love solitude - just me and God. It’s too peaceful and I’m too content.
My life is God’s now.
God Bless,
Snert
My ex ended our marriage (a civil one only) because he had always felt drawn to the single life. In his words, “I just never wanted to be married.” He’s not Catholic, so there was no question of “what does the Church have to say about this?”
But the Church does have something to say about divorce. Divorce is allowed for grave reasons, such as the safety of the spouse or children. This does not mean the parties are free to remarry, of course. But divorce is not allowed simply because one feels he or she has made a mistake, chosen the wrong person or vocation. In marriages in which there are children, the pain divorce causes them is not justifiable except for very grave reasons.
I’m glad that you are so happy now, although I don’t remember where in the gospels it says that our soul purpose in life is to seek our own happiness and contentment.
If you don’t have minor children (and I sincerely hope you don’t), why don’t you apply for the annulment and pursue religious life?Incidentally, regardless of what vocation I may find myself in, my life is and will remain all God’s as well. This is the vocation of each of us, to belong wholly to God, regardless of our life’s circumstances.
Gertie
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TraderTif
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I see “dating” as a precursor to courtship, yes. (Come to think of it…that could explain why I’ve never, technically, dated anyone yet, lol.)
I don’t think I would “date” just for something to do. But, I also think of dating as naturally evolving from friendship, if marriage was any sort of possibility. So, I focus on making friends.
And, when I find a guy I like…I focus really, really, really hard on making friends!!
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chevalier
Guest
Ever tried replying, “but cats are more fun?”
Third date? Come on! You don’t even use first names before that point!But this past year I’ve been in a real muddle about whether to remain single or pursue marriage. In my mind, until I have that worked out, there’s no point in “dating.” It’s not like I expect an engagement ring on the first date (I wouldn’t accept one until at least the third date
I have stories too. I remember a girl who got rather emo with me and some two hours later she was cuddling with some other guy, three years her junior. Actually, we remained friends with that guy. As strange as it seems. I was 17.I’ve had all the “practice” I ever care to have of initiating communication with unknown men, and meeting for the first time, and getting through those awkward moments where he starts crying like a baby, yells at me and hangs up the phone
“Mentally stable,” sounds like, “promised land.”
I’ll answer like a lawyer: depends.
If it’s coffee or a dance or whatever, that’s fine between friends and I’d rather not think about marriage at that point. It would be absurd. And it is not a date, it is a meeting. It is social indeed. The status is friends and this is ferro-concrete.
It only gets romantic if I have some kind of affection that may lead the right way, provided red flags aren’t there. And I use the term “meeting” or “outing” or “sortie” or some such, anyway, but never a “date”, because I hate the word and dislike the concept. It will take a longer while before anything “happens”, but I’m hardly secretive about my regard of that person.
When it really gets soft and mushy, then at that point I’m already rather conscious of things and decided she’s the lady I want to pursue. Things don’t get to kissing and such otherwise. Simply because those things are not a social activity and spinning the bottle is not a licit party game.
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TraderTif
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Chevalier, your posts are always so intelligent and witty; I don’t understand why some wise woman hasn’t snatched you up by now, lol.
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jmcrae
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That sounds like a nightmare. I doubt that I would have ever dated, if it had involved strangers in any way, shape, or form.I’ve had all the “practice” I ever care to have of initiating communication with unknown men, and meeting for the first time, and getting through those awkward moments where he starts crying like a baby, yells at me and hangs up the phone
Is there some particular reason you aren’t considering the men that you actually know and are already friends with?
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rpp
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I know. Believe me, her reasons are sound.
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Snerticus
Guest
Well, I do have my reasons for not applying for the annulment process. They are really none of your concern however I do understand your concern that I divorced because I wanted to stay single.Forgive me, I don’t know much about you, but a couple of things in your post sent up a red flag for me. My comments may not apply to your situation, but I just felt I needed to say something in response.
My ex ended our marriage (a civil one only) because he had always felt drawn to the single life. In his words, “I just never wanted to be married.” He’s not Catholic, so there was no question of “what does the Church have to say about this?”
But the Church does have something to say about divorce. Divorce is allowed for grave reasons, such as the safety of the spouse or children. This does not mean the parties are free to remarry, of course. But divorce is not allowed simply because one feels he or she has made a mistake, chosen the wrong person or vocation. In marriages in which there are children, the pain divorce causes them is not justifiable except for very grave reasons.
I’m glad that you are so happy now, although I don’t remember where in the gospels it says that our soul purpose in life is to seek our own happiness and contentment.
Incidentally, regardless of what vocation I may find myself in, my life is and will remain all God’s as well. This is the vocation of each of us, to belong wholly to God, regardless of our life’s circumstances.
Gertie
That was the least thought on my mind. As a matter of fact, in order for you to understand the whole situation of my divorce, I’d have to re-hash it, and I don’t particularly feel like telling the world about it at this moment, and most especially not after your little lecture.
I’m sorry if my post made anyone see any red flags. I can assure you all that I had no intention of staying single after the divorce. As a matter of fact, I thought I would actually get back together with my ex. And if I had it to do all over again, I would not get that divorce. Even though it would have made my life miserable, I would have stated married. But what’s done is done. At this point, God is not calling me to marriage, that much is clear. Just because I said in my post that my whole life God was calling me to be single does NOT mean that I knew this during my marriage. And it doesn NOT mean I knew it even after my divorce. Only after coming back to the church after the divorce and studying my faith did I realize I am supposed to be alone. I came to realize that my whole life was pointing to being alone. Looking back in retrospect, I probably should not have gotten married. But what’s the point of stressing over that now? There’s nothing I can do about it, that’s what God wants of me - to remain single now. Although for a few years after the divorce, I wrongly pursued relationships - obviously against God’s will. I have finally accepted His will now and my life is in God’s hands.
Sure, I want an annulment badly. I can’t pursue one right now for probably many reasons but one that stands out in particular. That of course is none of your concern either.
Now, why do some people on these forums claim to know a person’s heart by a few vague sentences? I really wish the lectures would stop. I don’t need to be told to live in a religious community. I don’t need to be told (wrongly I might add) that I was seeking happiness and contentment through divorce!
Did you realize that I was not yet back in the Church when I got divorced? Did you even stop to think that other circumstances might have surrounded my situation other that what you have gone through? Obviously not! I don’t appreciate being made to feel guilty all over again from sins I have already confessed to God during reconciliation. But if that’s what your goal was - you have succeeded greatly and I congratulate you on your effort.Please pass judgement on yourselves, not others. That is one thing I have a problem with sometimes on these forums. And there was a thread I remember seeing where someone addresses that very problem. I’m sure there have been many threads in the past about giving bad advice and judging someone on a few sentences they have written.
To those that haven’t passed judgement on me, thank you. I’m not claiming to be perfect. I wish I had been a practicing Catholic while I was married, but that wasn’t the case. All I can do now is repent of what I’ve done. My only point was to say I was shy all throughout my life and that I think it was because God wanted my to be alone for Him. I didn’t realize I was committing a mortal sin in the process…
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Gertabelle
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Goodness, come to think of it, I only know two or three single men anywhere near my age. Although they call themselves Catholic, their actions are anything but. One sleeps around. Another cheated on his wife, divorced her, married someone else for a few months, and then got another divorce. Oh, and the brother of a friend who also is a “Catholic” never attends mass, and “doesn’t trust women.” Not exactly a great dating pool.
The only male “friend” I have who is single is my son’s dad, which would not be a great match, seeing as he’s a fourth order (level?) Sufi and rising in his responsibilities in that community. The fact that he didn’t want me doesn’t exactly form the foundation for a strong relationship either.
It’s all about trusting in God’s plan. He’ll bring that lucky man into my life somehow, or He’ll give me the strength to remain a single parent.
Thanks for asking
Gertie
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Gertabelle
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Snert, I stated quite clearly that I didn’t know whether my comments applied to you or not, but that I just needed to say a few things. Forgive me if I didn’t make it clear that I needed to say these things to clarify a bit about Catholic teaching, not to pass judgment on you.
Your original post made it sound as though divorce were for Catholics for reasons which are not grave in nature. It was my impression of your comments that made me feel compelled to make my comments. I chose not to ask you to clarify because this thread is not about why those of us who are divorced got divorced (incidentally, I too married while outside the Church), and the information truly is none of my business.
I do apologize for not being more clear about my intentions, and for the pain I’ve caused you. None of us needs to reveal personal information we don’t want to, but in withholding personal information, we need to be responsible for the misunderstandings that may arise by only telling part of the story.
Gertie
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