When does "checking out" women become lust?

[SeekingHeaven]

I am a young adult with strong urges and feelings and struggle greatly with sexual feelings. First of all, is it wrong to have sexual feelings towards someone you find attractive? Secondly, at what point does ‘checking out’ a woman become lust? Is there a 3 second rule of some sort, the things you imagine doing with her, occasion of sin, or something else that makes it lust? Let’s be honest, a person at my age is obviously not thinking of marriage and when one looks at another who one finds attractive they aren’t exactly thinking about slipping a ring on her finger just yet, but rather looking at the very physical aspect, which may even be a first step for marriage to even be possible in the future?. If it weren’t for lust, or at least this very basic physical arousal, would the human race continue to exist as it does? I’m confused, any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

 

[Ron_Conte]

Lust occurs when a person consents in their mind and heart to illicit sexual acts, such that, if they had the opportunity, they would commit the acts themselves. Lust is not mere attraction to the opposite sex, nor is it merely a general desire to have sex at some point in the future within the bounds of marriage. Also, even impure sexual thoughts are not necessarily lust. Usually, sinful sexual thoughts are venial because there is no intention or willingness to actually commit the illicit acts.

 

[SeekingHeaven]

Lust occurs when a person consents in their mind and heart to illicit sexual acts, such that, if they had the opportunity, they would commit the acts themselves. Lust is not mere attraction to the opposite sex, nor is it merely a general desire to have sex at some point in the future within the bounds of marriage. Also, even impure sexual thoughts are not necessarily lust. Usually, sinful sexual thoughts are venial because there is no intention or willingness to actually commit the illicit acts.

Doesn’t Jesus say that a man who has thought lustfully about a woman has already committed adultery within his heart?

 

[po18guy]

Doesn’t Jesus say that a man who has thought lustfully about a woman has already committed adultery within his heart?

Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

We also want to avoid the near occasions of sin - situations which can lead us to sin. I suggest that you look at their eyes. If you cannot see a woman’s eyes, it is better not to concentrate on her. OK, her face. More than that, you are asking for trouble.

 

[LeroyCRHP]

Are you Catholic? That would help in my answer.

I am a young adult with strong urges and feelings and struggle greatly with sexual feelings. First of all, is it wrong to have sexual feelings towards someone you find attractive? Secondly, at what point does ‘checking out’ a woman become lust? Is there a 3 second rule of some sort, the things you imagine doing with her, occasion of sin, or something else that makes it lust? Let’s be honest, a person at my age is obviously not thinking of marriage and when one looks at another who one finds attractive they aren’t exactly thinking about slipping a ring on her finger just yet, but rather looking at the very physical aspect, which may even be a first step for marriage to even be possible in the future?. If it weren’t for lust, or at least this very basic physical arousal, would the human race continue to exist as it does? I’m confused, any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

 

[Randy_Carson]

I am a young adult with strong urges and feelings and struggle greatly with sexual feelings. First of all, is it wrong to have sexual feelings towards someone you find attractive? Secondly, at what point does ‘checking out’ a woman become lust? Is there a 3 second rule of some sort, the things you imagine doing with her, occasion of sin, or something else that makes it lust? Let’s be honest, a person at my age is obviously not thinking of marriage and when one looks at another who one finds attractive they aren’t exactly thinking about slipping a ring on her finger just yet, but rather looking at the very physical aspect, which may even be a first step for marriage to even be possible in the future?. If it weren’t for lust, or at least this very basic physical arousal, would the human race continue to exist as it does? I’m confused, any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

On Looking at Girls
By Jimmy Akin
http://www.jimmyakin.org/2009/01/appreciating-beauty-vs-concupiscence.html

 

[Chris_LaRock]

I am a young adult with strong urges and feelings and struggle greatly with sexual feelings. First of all, is it wrong to have sexual feelings towards someone you find attractive? Secondly, at what point does ‘checking out’ a woman become lust? Is there a 3 second rule of some sort, the things you imagine doing with her, occasion of sin, or something else that makes it lust? Let’s be honest, a person at my age is obviously not thinking of marriage and when one looks at another who one finds attractive they aren’t exactly thinking about slipping a ring on her finger just yet, but rather looking at the very physical aspect, which may even be a first step for marriage to even be possible in the future?. If it weren’t for lust, or at least this very basic physical arousal, would the human race continue to exist as it does? I’m confused, any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

Desiring someone sexually is lust. The first step we take in doing this is “checking out” girls/women. I try not to do either.

 

[fbl9]

Desiring someone sexually is lust. The first step we take in doing this is “checking out” girls/women. I try not to do either.

And what do you do if you find yourself "checking"out a woman??

 

[Chris_LaRock]

And what do you do if you find yourself "checking"out a woman??

I stop, take my thoughts captive, and simply try to control myself.

 

[Randy_Carson]

I stop, take my thoughts captive, and simply try to control myself.

Is there a difference between appreciating beauty and lusting? :yup:

Is it possible to say, “Wow, she is very beautiful” without engaging in thoughts of being in bed with her? :yup:

Of course, your mileage may vary…

 

[Eucharisted]

Q: I know we shouldn’t lust, but don’t you think a girl’s feelings would be hurt if you deliberately looked the other way? Is it wrong just to look at her?

A. It is not a sin to recognize the beauty of another. But when we look, and then look again and again, or imagine lustful things, then we have crossed the line. Each person knows in his heart when he if falling short of purity.

In the early Church, two bishops walked out of a cathedral. On the sidewalk walking towards them was a prostitute, dressed very much like one. The first bishop put his head down to avoid seeing her, and the other bishop stared straight at her. As she passed, the bishop with his head down looked to the other bishop and said, “Brother bishop, you can’t look. It’s a prosti–” And then he saw tears streaming down the cheeks of the bishop, who said, “How sad, that such beauty should be sold to the lusts of men.” The prostitute saw how he looked at her, and do you know what she did? She converted, and she’s now a canonized saint in the Church: St. Pelagia. The purity of that one man’s glance was enough to elevate her back to God.

Now, if you were to ask which bishop did the right thing, they both did. If we can look at a woman with the eyes of Christ, then that is true purity. But if we are not ready, and we are too easily tempted to lust, then we better look elsewhere as God continues to purify our hearts.

Is it possible that a girl’s feelings could be hurt if we look away? Yes. But maybe she needs that wakeup call so that she’ll know what she’s worth (source).

 

[Chris_LaRock]

Is there a difference between appreciating beauty and lusting? :yup:

Is it possible to say, “Wow, she is very beautiful” without engaging in thoughts of being in bed with her? :yup:

Of course, your mileage may vary…

Admiring beauty usually is followed by wanting to engage in sexual acts. Same is true if you smell food. First thought: That smells good! Second thought: I’d like to eat some of that.

 

[fbl9]

I stop, take my thoughts captive, and simply try to control myself.

for myself i look away and give myself a slap on the head (figuratively speaking)…
Eucharisted’s post is very good…few times i could be like the bBishop that could look at the woman,unfortunately more oftener i would be the one who dared not to look.
yes it is possible to see the beauty of a woman without devloping lustful thoughts,This however takes practice…and lots of patience with oneself.

 

[Randy_Carson]

Admiring beauty usually is followed by wanting to engage in sexual acts. Same is true if you smell food. First thought: That smells good! Second thought: I’d like to eat some of that.

A person who is on a restricted diet would enjoy the aroma but would not eat the food.

Since I got married, I have restricted my diet in more ways than one.

 

[Chris_LaRock]

for myself i look away and give myself a slap on the head (figuratively speaking)…
Eucharisted’s post is very good…few times i could be like the bBishop that could look at the woman,unfortunately more oftener i would be the one who dared not to look.
yes it is possible to see the beauty of a woman without devloping lustful thoughts,This however takes practice…and lots of patience with oneself.

A friend of mine once sarcastically asked me if I’m the Pope of Michigan when I was being “closed minded” and saying that sexual impurity is wrong.

 

[Chris_LaRock]

A person who is on a restricted diet would enjoy the aroma but would not eat the food.

Since I got married, I have restricted my diet in more ways than one.

I can only speak for myself, but I think that allowing yourself to ‘admire beauty’ only puts yourself into a position where you can be tempted to do more than that.

Ever see a cloud floating overhead that slightly resembles the female form and been tempted to have sinful thoughts? Just wondering if this is normal.

 

[Dtmccameron]

Is there a difference between appreciating beauty and lusting? :yup:

Is it possible to say, “Wow, she is very beautiful” without engaging in thoughts of being in bed with her? :yup:

Of course, your mileage may vary…

Of course you can! Every time I see St. Bernadette I can’t help but marvel at her beauty, but that doesn’t lead my thoughts down any sinful roads whatsoever.

Then again, I find beauty hard to seperate from grace. I see them as one and the same, but if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, then, I count many things the world says are beautiful as hideous, and manything it calls plain beautiful.

Further, I’m rather upset at the OPs suggestion that young men are only in it for the young womans body. I know not how young a man he is, but I myself am a young man, and am far more interested in a Lady’s soul than her…body. And not merely so I can determine if she’ll prove a good wife, but a good friend even!

After all, who wants to spend time with a hunk of flesh, no matter how pleasing the form?

In fact, this entire discussion, in a way, is rather demeaning. Clearly, all men should recognize all women as human beings and treat them with respect. Yet in a way, we objectify them here by speaking of them, not as persons, but as object we occasionaly pass by in life, and oft tempt us! These are your sisters!!! Protect them! Defend them! Respect them!

And may the Almighty God rebuke you should you hurt them!

 

[fbl9]

In fact, this entire discussion, in a way, is rather demeaning. Clearly, all men should recognize all women as human beings and treat them with respect. Yet in a way, we objectify them here by speaking of them, not as persons, but as object we occasionaly pass by in life, and oft tempt us! These are your sisters!!! Protect them! Defend them! Respect them!

:

Just maybe this could be the root of the problem some of us have in regards to temptations in this manner.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t know what you mean by “checking out”. Or rather, “checking out” is imprecise and you can’t narrow it down to one point where you can adress it.

Also, by my intuition, “checking out” is a bit more than admiring.

You can admire. You need to guard your purity, though. If admiring challenges your purity, you don’t admire. There’s plenty of classical nude sculptures in the Vatican Museums and plenty of renaissance paintings of nude people in the Vatican itself. Was it wrong for the respective popes and cardinals to acquire, own and display those works of art? Even if it had been, it would have been found out and corrected by now. Still, everyone, married or not, from layman to pope, is not supposed to look if it gives him near occasion of sin (puts him in a position of consenting to lustful thoughts about that sculpture of painting).

If it’s possibly moral to admire that art, it follows it can be moral to admire *dressed *people, including their physical beauty. The risk is lowered because they are dressed, but it may also be heightened because they are real and living. You probably know this. Now, you correctly suppose that things begin to get different when sexual things come into play. While sexuality is not wrong, it’s in fact God’s gift and has good and honourable uses, it’s very much subject to many privations in people’s heads because of the fruit of the original sin, i.e. our original turning away from God. Moral theologians talk about concupiscence here. You are not a pervert if you are attracted to a girl. But you are not supposed to be deriving sexual satisfaction from looking at her. In other words, she is not to be an object of your sexual desires - she is not an object, she is a person. This may sound lame, but if you remind yourself she’s a daughter of God - as we are all His children - it *should *actually help. Imagine you had a kind and you went out with his daughter. You get the point. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t God’s child yourself, but *noblesse oblige *as they say. Easier a bit now?

 

[TommyWommy]

This may sound lame, but if you remind yourself she’s a daughter of God - as we are all His children - it *should *actually help.

Doesn’t sound lame at all, chevalier. My priest told me the same thing. “Remember she’s a child of God, not an object.”

God gave us the beautiful gift of sex. That includes the ability to attract and to be attracted. It also includes the “plumbing” and “mechanics” that go along with it. And, it includes great power and great responsibility.

I think it was Chesterson who said, “Every man who ever knocked on a brothel door was really looking for God.” Remember that your sexual desires are rooted in a longing for God. And so are her’s. So, sex requires a Godly context for its true expression and enjoyment (i.e. sacramental marriage).

Looking a person in the eyes (as suggested by another poster) helps me, too. It really is harder to objectify when you are seeing the person behind the fleshy exterior. In fact, it is a common admonition some women use on men ("Hey, my eyes are up here, Buddy!)

Repeat after me: she’s a child of God…a child of God…a child of God…