Where does a single man meet a good, single woman?

[Xantippe]

And, in my experience, most people attending these classes are women!!!

VERY good point.

 

[Thorns]

Well, I’m looking for an explanation of the fact that it’s like you’re wearing some sort of super-hero glasses that render single women invisible. It’s otherwise difficult to explain why you only notice attractive married women.

Ive approached modest, quieter, respectable looking girls many times. I try to be casual and easygoing, but they seem to not talk much or be interested. I guess there was a reason for their silence to begin with: they dont like to talk. I feel like Im pestering them, so I move on.

Minor correction btw: Why only attractive, married women seem to notice me*.

And Im also looking for that explanation. I dont feel like theres anything wrong with me, if there was I wouldnt attract ANY women Id think. Thats why I say it must be “bad luck.” I feel like I have a lot going for me and that I have a lot to offer, but I just cant seem to find the right pool.

 

[CHCL]

I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet, but I would recommend Eagle Eye Ministries. GO on one of their retreats (They are some of the best retreats in the country, I can confirm.). I have seen quite a few successful marriages come from these retreats.

eagleeyeministries.org/

Here is an interview from the founder of EE. His name is Fr. Nathan Cromly. (He is a very holy person, I CAN CONFIRM.)

youtube.com/watch?v=xu75tLgrCyU

 

[JorduSpeaks]

You don’t go to church? Fix that. :tsktsk:

I go to Mass every Sunday, and it hasn’t helped me meet women. Maybe I need to work on training myself to run faster, because all the women at my church are in their cars before I can harass them even a little.

Only married women ever show up at your workplace? That’s odd.

You see? This is the sort of thing that made me think there might be a generation gap. Since you took exception to that, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and just say you don’t know what you’re talking about, in general. Asking out a coworker or boss is asking to get fired. Asking out a subordinate is asking to get sued. Perhaps you’ve never heard of sexual harassment? It means, “any unwanted, non-platonic gesture toward a woman.” If the gesture is wanted, hooray for winning the lottery! If not, “Shame on you, you male chauvinist pig!”

You don’t go on the internet? Well, nice try, we know you do…

Maybe you’ve never tried internet dating. Maybe you’ve never noticed all the catfish, “cam models” there to advertise, women in a relationship looking for attention, phantom profiles from deactivated accounts that the site keeps visible to entice men to get a paid membership, etc. Maybe you don’t know that almost all message traffic goes from men to women, and that these messages get lost amid countless others, or that this leads to men needing to send multiple messages just to have a shot at getting read, which in turn leads to even more messages and the women feeling overwhelmed and not checking their messages. Maybe you don’t know any of that. Maybe you need to stop recommending it like some sort of magic pill.

You don’t have any friends that have one, just one friend who is single and also a girl?

It has already been explained to you why this doesn’t work, but to recap: asking this of a friend puts them in an awkward position. If the two of you don’t hit it off, the friend doesn’t want to feel responsible for at least one of you having a bad time. If you do hit it off and it doesn’t work out, the friend doesn’t want to be at the center of a friendship ‘custody battle’. If the friend is in a relationship but not married, maybe they want to keep single friends around as possible options (or a shoulder to cry on) if their relationship comes apart. There’s also the very real possibility that this friend has never been single for more than a week and sees anyone who can’t find a gf/bf on their own as “having issues” or just “not right” for anyone they know.

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe you’ve never tried internet dating. Maybe you’ve never noticed all the catfish, “cam models” there to advertise, women in a relationship looking for attention, phantom profiles from deactivated accounts that the site keeps visible to entice men to get a paid membership, etc. Maybe you don’t know that almost all message traffic goes from men to women, and that these messages get lost amid countless others, or that this leads to men needing to send multiple messages just to have a shot at getting read, which in turn leads to even more messages and the women feeling overwhelmed and not checking their messages. Maybe you don’t know any of that. Maybe you need to stop recommending it like some sort of magic pill.

It has already been explained to you why this doesn’t work, but to recap: asking this of a friend puts them in an awkward position. If the two of you don’t hit it off, the friend doesn’t want to feel responsible for at least one of you having a bad time. If you do hit it off and it doesn’t work out, the friend doesn’t want to be at the center of a friendship ‘custody battle’. If the friend is in a relationship but not married, maybe they want to keep single friends around as possible options (or a shoulder to cry on) if their relationship comes apart. There’s also the very real possibility that this friend has never been single for more than a week and sees anyone who can’t find a gf/bf on their own as “having issues” or just “not right” for anyone they know.

You realize pianistclare met her husband online several years ago, right? She has mentioned that a few times. And quite a number of other people on this thread have met their spouses online as well.

I’ve read about internet dating issues from the female point of view, and what I hear is that you, as a guy, can substantially improve your odds if your emails to women online are actually specific to her profile and show some thought. The shotgun approach of spamming hundreds of women with generic emails that could work for anybody are what fail. Actually take time reading the profile, pick out points of contact, and write up a custom-made email.

That would be a weird person who had never been single for more than a week and who had absolutely no empathy for single friends and no interest in matching up their single friends and acquaintances. Better friends?

 

[Xantippe]

Example:

Dear Princess Leia:

Your photos are cute!

I’m a businessman and fellow rebel and deeply interested in Ewok issues. Let’s talk about it over dinner? I know a hole in the wall place on Tatooine where they have surprisingly good BBQ. Are you free sometime this weekend?

JorduSpeaks

 

[Xantippe]

Also, make sure your email subject line is not stupid.

I’ve never done online dating, but I immediately delete without opening any emails from people I don’t know with non-specific subject lines like “news,” “update,” “hi,” etc. Your subject line should a reasonable amount of information so it doesn’t get deleted without merit as she’s going through her messages. “BBQ this weekend?” isn’t bad, for example.

 

[Xantippe]

Possible alternate email subject line: “Ewok dance party Saturday night?”

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Why do you think that? It was very short.

The poem actually is very apropos–namely that inexperienced young men (like yourself or the 19-year-olds in the poem) can’t even see “nice girls.”

More:

The young men come, the young men go
Each pink and white and neat,
She’s older than their mothers, but
They grovel at Her feet.
They walk beside Her 'rickshaw wheels –
None ever walk by mine;
And that’s because I’m seventeen
And She is foty-nine.

The seventeen year olds are comely in that way that young women often are … but sorry that’s all the edge they have. Sure it can be a formidable edge, but I usually find myself dancing with the forty-nine year olds.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

The most attractive men are the ones who don’t think they are all that and a bag of chips. .

I’ll take that bag of chips, thank you. Actually, make that two … fun post coming

Well i certainly dont think Im all that. It is certainly a reality that I am chased by such women at work, which constitutes for me a great temptation and trial. Its just sad that they are so beautiful, but none are wife material or even single.

Why not ask them directly if they have single sisters, cousins or friends they could fix you up with. Bug them about that. Guarantee they’ll stop talking to you … lol

Yea, I guess they did. None of those seem applicable or feel right for me personally I guess. I was hoping there were more options lol.

You’re a fun guy, Thorns, shoot all that manure down. I don’t suggest online dating myself, but just about everything else is about getting your rear end off the couch and out of the house. You seem to be expecting the Lord to gift wrap the woman of your dreams and drop her off at your front door ready for marriage with you. You say that’s not what you mean, I call bologna on ya, here you are shooting down other alternatives to the point where the only one you seem to have left is prayer. Which won’t be honored because you won’t help the Lord by trying anything.[/rant]

Regarding hobbies that which are highly unlikely to help you meet these “good, single women” who interest you; maybe you could find some other hobbies which interest you and would be likely to help you meet these women. What are your priorities?

Try partner dancing. Don’t laugh. The classes put you in close proximity with every woman there for a few minutes each. Could do worse than that when it comes to socializing.

Another recommendation: try Meetup.com for finding things you’re interested. Like wine, hiking, dancing, music, etc. There might even be a Catholic group in your area. Though regrettably the one in my area folded its tent.

Possible alternate email subject line: “Ewok dance party Saturday night?”

Is Yoda coming?

 

[Xantippe]

Is Yoda coming?

He’s kind of a homebody, at least these days. It’s hard to get him out of the swamp anymore.

By the way, it’s just been killing me not to drop any Yoda quotes on the guys, but I can’t resist any longer.

Luke: All right, I’ll give it a try.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.

And later:

Luke: I don’t, I don’t believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.

 

[pianistclare]

I go to Mass every Sunday, and it hasn’t helped me meet women. Maybe I need to work on training myself to run faster, because all the women at my church are in their cars before I can harass them even a little.

You see? This is the sort of thing that made me think there might be a generation gap. Since you took exception to that, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and just say you don’t know what you’re talking about, in general. Asking out a coworker or boss is asking to get fired. Asking out a subordinate is asking to get sued. Perhaps you’ve never heard of sexual harassment? It means, “any unwanted, non-platonic gesture toward a woman.” If the gesture is wanted, hooray for winning the lottery! If not, “Shame on you, you male chauvinist pig!”

Maybe you’ve never tried internet dating. Maybe you’ve never noticed all the catfish, “cam models” there to advertise, women in a relationship looking for attention, phantom profiles from deactivated accounts that the site keeps visible to entice men to get a paid membership, etc. Maybe you don’t know that almost all message traffic goes from men to women, and that these messages get lost amid countless others, or that this leads to men needing to send multiple messages just to have a shot at getting read, which in turn leads to even more messages and the women feeling overwhelmed and not checking their messages. Maybe you don’t know any of that. Maybe you need to stop recommending it like some sort of magic pill.

It has already been explained to you why this doesn’t work, but to recap: asking this of a friend puts them in an awkward position. If the two of you don’t hit it off, the friend doesn’t want to feel responsible for at least one of you having a bad time. If you do hit it off and it doesn’t work out, the friend doesn’t want to be at the center of a friendship ‘custody battle’. If the friend is in a relationship but not married, maybe they want to keep single friends around as possible options (or a shoulder to cry on) if their relationship comes apart. There’s also the very real possibility that this friend has never been single for more than a week and sees anyone who can’t find a gf/bf on their own as “having issues” or just “not right” for anyone they know.

Dude, I met my husband online. And I was a widow. Not someone people went running after. If I can do it, certainly you “young vital person” can do it.
But ok, be miserable. It’s hopeless.
You need to be right. That’s the thing about these threads. People ask questions, seek help, and then blame everyone for not knowing anything, and of course, the woman are all either clueless, inappropriately sexual, or mean.
Trust me, that negativity is less attractive the more a person perfects it.
So, um, good luck with that.

 

[Thorns]

Example:

Dear Princess Leia:

Your photos are cute!

I’m a businessman and fellow rebel and deeply interested in Ewok issues. Let’s talk about it over dinner? I know a hole in the wall place on Tatooine where they have surprisingly good BBQ. Are you free sometime this weekend?

JorduSpeaks

I obviously have no idea about internet dating, but honestly and realistically, do you think that would work? Just like that?

Oh another minor obstacle that Ive ran into a few times…Flaky people. Sometimes something will be set up, they’re enthusiastic about hanging out, and at the last minute I’ll be stood up or plans will be cancelled the day of. Why do people do that?

Btw, now that I think of the “friends of my friends” thing… I think many of them are in the same boat as me, so they’d either keep all female contacts to themselves or they dont know any females to begin with ha!

Zzyzx Road, that is a brilliant idea about asking the married ones if they have single sisters or single friends. I’ll experiment that request on them and see how that goes, if they dislike that then at least theyll be backing off

 

[Xantippe]

I obviously have no idea about internet dating, but honestly and realistically, do you think that would work? Just like that?

**Sure. Just send out 100 or so very specific invitations keyed to the individual (being careful not to accidentally double-book) over a reasonable period of time and you will eventually meet some interesting women. Make sure to actually read the profile!

Also, get some help working over your profile, so you don’t sound like everybody else. You like long walks on the beach, dogs, and you hate drama and games. Yep, you and 50 million other men.

And probably stick to Ave Maria or Catholic Match–I believe I’ve seen that a lot of people here have gotten good results with them.**

Oh another minor obstacle that Ive ran into a few times…Flaky people. Sometimes something will be set up, they’re enthusiastic about hanging out, and at the last minute I’ll be stood up or plans will be cancelled the day of. Why do people do that?

**As you said, they’re flaky. So–bullet dodged! That’s probably a good reason to avoid prepurchasing tickets for anything, unless it’s very inexpensive. But maybe give them a second chance if they have a good excuse (serious illness, car trouble, etc.) and they invite you to something?

Maybe have a backup plan for the stood-up nights so you won’t mope? And maybe do a mix of invitations to real life women versus online women, plus normal group socializing?**

/QUOTE]

Another idea that comes to mind is that you might want to slightly adjust your age parameters (and other sifting mechanisms–not sure how many they offer). I don’t know how old you are, but Including some slightly older women might cut down on no-shows.

 

[Patavium]

I also met my wife online!!! here at CAF!!!

I came to CAF to grow in my Catholic faith as a revert that lived many years sinfully!! and I prayed tons!! , and I received a beautiful PM from my wife!, and we clicked. We kept PMing here then chatted then talked on the phone, and then met in person! We kept courting for a while and eventually decided to get engaged and married!

 

[Blue_Rose]

I also met my wife online!!! here at CAF!!!

I came to CAF to grow in my Catholic faith as a revert that lived many years sinfully!! and I prayed tons!! , and I received a beautiful PM from my wife!, and we clicked. We kept PMing here then chatted then talked on the phone, and then met in person! We kept courting for a while and eventually decided to get engaged and married!

Do you mind me asking, how did you go about courting? Online or in person?

 

[maryjk]

Dude, I met my husband online. And I was a widow. Not someone people went running after. If I can do it, certainly you “young vital person” can do it.
But ok, be miserable. It’s hopeless.
You need to be right. That’s the thing about these threads. People ask questions, seek help, and then blame everyone for not knowing anything, and of course, the woman are all either clueless, inappropriately sexual, or mean.
Trust me, t**hat negativity is less attractive the more a person perfects it. **
So, um, good luck with that.

Yep.

Thorns, you have received many good ideas. I suggest trying them out, rather than shooting them down.

Many people commenting here are married. That means they know what works.

 

[Joe_5859]

Possible alternate email subject line: “Ewok dance party Saturday night?”

I cannot imagine that an email with such a subject line would not pique the curiosity of most anyone.

 

[Joe_5859]

Dude, I met my husband online. And I was a widow. Not someone people went running after. If I can do it, certainly you “young vital person” can do it.
But ok, be miserable. It’s hopeless.
You need to be right. That’s the thing about these threads. People ask questions, seek help, and then blame everyone for not knowing anything, and of course, the woman are all either clueless, inappropriately sexual, or mean.
Trust me, that negativity is less attractive the more a person perfects it.
So, um, good luck with that.

I’ve noticed a trend in some of these threads where a single person asks for advice on how to meet people, the married people chime in with what worked for them and what they have seen work for others, and then the single person explains why those suggestions will never work.

I would think it would at least be worth giving it a shot.

 

[Xantippe]

I cannot imagine that an email with such a subject line would not pique the curiosity of most anyone.

I think would be to pick an activity that chimes with your mutual interests. So, you’re musical and you’re wanting to take out a musician/music teacher/whatever, so you might have a subject line like: “Picnic and music performance at the park Sunday afternoon?” Or you’re messaging a fellow Catholic of traditionalist bent, and you write: “Latin Mass at the Cathedral and crepes for brunch?” Or you’re messaging a woman who shares your passion for Spanish film, and you write, “Spanish film and tapas Friday night?” Or you’re both outdoorsy and you write “Kayaking and lunch Sat. 10?” Etc. It’s largely a mental exercise of studying the profile, figuring out where the area of shared interests are, and planning a pleasant get-together with activities that you will enjoy even if she is a dud or a no-show.

Again, never, never email a stranger with “Hi!” as your subject line.

Best wishes!