Who do you love more ,your spouse or your kids

[JackieMom]

I think the point is that in order to be a great father, you must be a great husband first… and likewise, in order to best bring up your children, you must have a healthy marriage. I think that’s part of the reason why the Church teaches to put our spouses first.

That makes no sense, though, because children and spouses aren’t in competition for love. There is plenty to go around. I don’t know what is meant by “putting the spouse first.” Kids’ needs come before adult needs. Of course you don’t elevate the children’s authority or decision making in the home above the adults’, but I guess I feel like most parents understand that once the baby is born, that baby’s needs are the priority. And those needs might mean canceling a lot of adult activities!

 

[Debora123]

That makes no sense, though, because children and spouses aren’t in competition for love. There is plenty to go around. I don’t know what is meant by “putting the spouse first.” Kids’ needs come before adult needs. Of course you don’t elevate the children’s authority or decision making in the home above the adults’, but I guess I feel like most parents understand that once the baby is born, that baby’s needs are the priority. And those needs might mean canceling a lot of adult activities!

I don’t think putting our spouse first means doing what we want before we do what the child needs.

I think it just means that our relationship with our spouse should be the #1 most important human relationship we have. Right now, that does make sense to me because the way I see it, children come and go and leave us in order to join with their own spouses and make their own families. But our spouse is our life partner. And the relationship we have with our spouse is the foundation we bring new human beings into.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Yikes. I don’t know any moms that would save anyone over their own child - and yes, I would kill my husband if he saved me instead of one of our kids!

Sorry, I guess I am in the minority here. I think losing a spouse is always less tragic than losing a child. I assume my husband feels the same.

I’m in complete agreement with you. I can’t believe that it can be different for some people, it just doens’t seem natural for me to love anyone more than my children.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Who do you love more ,your spouse or your kids

I simply can’t answer the question, because the love given to a spouse and children are just two entirely different things, and I don’t see one as being any better than the other.

I of course recognize that there is a sacramental bond between husband and wife. But with children, it’s also special, because children love absolutely and unconditionally; no inhibitions whatsoever.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It should be the most loving and healthy balance reciprocated between Husband, Wife and Children. If not at all reciprocated, there is no Love, Trust, Respect and Happiness; all foundations and essentials for a happy long marriage.

If a couple have an ill Child who is under 5 years of age with a roaring fever where their Child needs Mum or Dad with them, what would a couple, who puts their Spouse first, and there are no family or Carers to mind their Child on that occasion, do, when there is a Work function or an Awards Evening, where one of the Spouses expects his/her Spouse to be present?

Would they (a) Attend the Function and leave their Child unattended, placing their Spouse’s Event first? (b) Take their ill Child with them out into the cold worsening their Child’s health, placing their Spouse first? (c) Risk their young Child’s health and life by placing him/her with a babysitter, showing their Child that they did not love and care for him/her by both attending the function?

I never placed my Husband first during 18 years and sacrificed many events and many outings to be there for our Children, when they needed their Mother or Father the most.

22 years later, there are no regrets whatsoever.

My Children deep in their Hearts know that I am a Mother who always loves them and cares for them regardless of whether their Father wanted me to attend certain social things with him when their needs were more important as a result of the fact that they were Children God gave their Father and myself to love, raise and be “there” for them regardless of whether their Father or myself wanted each other to put one another before the Children God Blessed us with!

I was always “there” for their Father equally and at times my Children had to endure and sacrifice their things for Family commitments and for their Father’s business and work. It was all done as a Family and equally.

However, when the Children’s needs or illnesses arose; Children always have come first and their Father’s second. When their Father became ill at times; the Children’s things (wants as opposed to needs) came second. That was the way I wanted the family unit to live given that some of my accidents or an odd illness were left untreated when I was a young Child and came second to my Parents work and activities. I did not want my children to feel unloved and disrespected during their lives.

My answer is “no” - the whole Family have been there for one another, not placing one person first such as a spouse.

Otherwise the message sent to my Children would have been “Mum and Dad are there primarily for themselves ie one another and not for us Children, particularly in times when I needed Mum or Dad and their priority was one another, neglecting me during my toddler, primary years and high school years when I have never needed anyone in my life the most. I remember them as a couple, not parents, and us not as a Family that God intended, loving and supporting one another equally”.

 

[john6565]

I’m in complete agreement with you. I can’t believe that it can be different for some people, it just doens’t seem natural for me to love anyone more than my children.

I think it depends on the relationship more than anything else .I know my parents love each other more than us .My mom often say that she loves my father more than anyone else . I mean ,it was pretty amazing to see how much she loved my father because she loved us like crazy and unconditionally too.

**I was in the other forum the other day and there was this question and the answer was pretty 50-50 . So i think it depends from person to person and yes the relationship they have with their spouse and chidren **

 

[underacloud]

I think it depends on the relationship more than anything else .I know my parents love each other more than us .My mom often say that she loves my father more than anyone else . I mean ,it was pretty amazing to see how much she loved my father because she loved us like crazy and unconditionally too.

**I was in the other forum the other day and there was this question and the answer was pretty 50-50 . So i think it depends from person to person and yes the relationship they have with their spouse and chidren **

It does seem to depend from person to person. But for anyone, I have to wonder what can possibly be gained from announcing that I love my wife more than my kids, or vice versa. There is no reason for the people you love less than others to explicitly be made aware of this fact. Which is different from the natural affection spouses may show towards each other, and the clear expression of a deep connection that others know is something more than their own connections. But why say it?

 

[john6565]

It does seem to depend from person to person. But for anyone, I have to wonder what can possibly be gained from announcing that I love my wife more than my kids, or vice versa. There is no reason for the people you love less than others to explicitly be made aware of this fact. Which is different from the natural affection spouses may show towards each other, and the clear expression of a deep connection that others know is something more than their own connections. But why say it?

You are right . But i think it was all my fault LOL .I used to ask this question to my mom for like 10 times a day ( i was only 5 back then ) . The answer was totally unexpected though. i

 

[underacloud]

You are right . But i think it was all my fault LOL .I used to ask this question to my mom for like 10 times a day ( i was only 5 back then ) . The answer was totally unexpected though. i

Hardly your fault if you were 5!!

5 year olds need to be told by their parents that they love them with all their heart. Not compared to anyone else. Oh well, things get said sometimes that in hindsight we might wish we could take back.

 

[john6565]

I was in the other forum and people were discussing the same thing and it was like 50-50 there . Such complicated question though

 

[Debora123]

I was in the other forum and people were discussing the same thing and it was like 50-50 there . Such complicated question though

It’s not complicated, really. The Catholic answer is, you should love your spouse more… and place that relationship above any other human relationship. The problem is, doing so is difficult because we are naturally inclined to love our kids more.

 

[thewanderer]

It’s not complicated, really. The Catholic answer is, you should love your spouse more… and place that relationship above any other human relationship. The problem is, doing so is difficult because we are naturally inclined to love our kids more.

Do you remember the quotations that talk about this? You said this was brought up in your marriage prep, so I understand if you can’t remember, but I find it very intriguing.

 

[Debora123]

Do you remember the quotations that talk about this? You said this was brought up in your marriage prep, so I understand if you can’t remember, but I find it very intriguing.

Yeah I really have no idea. I didn’t even know about it until it was talked about in marriage prep, and I’ve also read a lot of people on here talking about it too… though not in this thread, but in others.

Wish I did though, I too would like to understand fully exactly why we are supposed to love our spouses more. I think I do understand it, but they are mainly guesses/theories of my own rather than something official I’ve actually read.

Perhaps the reasons are one or some of the following?:

1. Marriage is a sacrament
2. Marriage is supposed to reflect the trinity and you give yourselves entirely to each other
3. Kids leave to form their own families, but your spouse is your life partner
4. Marriage is the root of the family, therefore the most important aspect of a good environment for children is a good marriage to begin with

Any thoughts?

 

[JackieMom]

Yeah I really have no idea. I didn’t even know about it until it was talked about in marriage prep, and I’ve also read a lot of people on here talking about it too… though not in this thread, but in others.

Wish I did though, I too would like to understand fully exactly why we are supposed to love our spouses more. I think I do understand it, but they are mainly guesses/theories of my own rather than something official I’ve actually read.

Perhaps the reasons are one or some of the following?:

1. Marriage is a sacrament
2. Marriage is supposed to reflect the trinity and you give yourselves entirely to each other
3. Kids leave to form their own families, but your spouse is your life partner
4. Marriage is the root of the family, therefore the most important aspect of a good environment for children is a good marriage to begin with

Any thoughts?

**

I still really don’t think this love can be quantified. There is enough room in your heart to love both your spouse and your kids intensely. It’s very different, though. You see your spouse as a capable adult, whereas when you hold that tiny 7-lb newborn, the sense of dependence and vulnerability is so acute that your love is also mixed with a very overpowering sense of wanting to protect and nurture, and fear for their safety. And that simply isn’t true in a peer relationship. Of course you want your spouse to be safe and healthy, but you are not really responsible for that being the case. Plus, we all realize that at some point we will lose our spouse or vice versa. Not so with kids. There is only one way that is supposed to go. So, I’d say that the love is the same, but the extenuating circumstances can make the attachment with the kids seem stronger (while they are young.)

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I think the question is purely theological in nature. In practice, nobody is going to tell their kids they love someone else more and vice versa, be it their mother or one of the other siblings. Ideally, people will simply go through their lives loving both their spouse and their siblings with all their hearts, not giving a single thought to whom they love more.

 

[Debora123]

I think the question is purely theological in nature. In practice, nobody is going to tell their kids they love someone else more and vice versa, be it their mother or one of the other siblings. Ideally, people will simply go through their lives loving both their spouse and their siblings with all their hearts, not giving a single thought to whom they love more.

Yes, ideally none of us will ever be in a situation where we have to either put our spouses first or our mothers/siblings/children… but if we ever are, we’re supposed to prioritize our spouses.

For example (and this was actually a question asked on our FOCUS test during pre cana):

Your parents and siblings are getting together as a family for Christmas Eve and really want you and your spouse to join. Your spouse, however, really wants to have a quiet intimate Xmas Eve at home with just you and your new baby. Who’s wishes do you follow?

The right answer is supposed to be “your spouse’s.” I distinctly remember that question because my husband put down that he’d heed to his mother’s wishes and our priest told him he got the wrong answer lol.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Yes, ideally none of us will ever be in a situation where we have to either put our spouses first or our mothers/siblings/children… but if we ever are, we’re supposed to prioritize our spouses.

For example (and this was actually a question asked on our FOCUS test during pre cana):

Your parents and siblings are getting together as a family for Christmas Eve and really want you and your spouse to join. Your spouse, however, really wants to have a quiet intimate Xmas Eve at home with just you and your new baby. Who’s wishes do you follow?

The right answer is supposed to be “your spouse’s.” I distinctly remember that question because my husband put down that he’d heed to his mother’s wishes and our priest told him he got the wrong answer lol.

If you could save only your child or your husband from a fire, who would you save? And why? You can answer it with the reasoning given from your source not as what you would do. It also may be a completely different question than what the OP was asking or what you are describing.

God forbid anyone have to make this decision.

 

[Debora123]

If you could save only your child or your husband from a fire, who would you save? And why? You can answer it with the reasoning given from your source not as what you would do. It also may be a completely different question than what the OP was asking or what you are describing.

God forbid anyone have to make this decision.

Apparently that was another pre cana question someone else posted here a few pages back (see post #15), and apparently the right answer is your spouse. I’d like to think I’d save my spouse, but since I don’t have any children yet, it’s impossible to say if I’d actually follow through with that. But I’d like to think I would. Right now, I couldn’t imagine saving anyone BUT my spouse.

You?

 

[JackieMom]

Apparently that was another pre cana question someone else posted here a few pages back, and apparently the right answer is your spouse. I’d like to think I’d save my spouse, but since I don’t have any children yet, it’s impossible to say if I’d actually follow through with that. But I’d like to think I would. Right now, I couldn’t imagine saving anyone BUT my spouse.

I can’t see how this is truly Catholic teaching. A life is a life and none is more important than the next. I get the idea about not placing outsiders desires above your spouse’s, but any mother would save her kids before her husband. I have an amazing husband, and a wonderful marriage. Not only would I save my child before him in a fire, I’d save someone else’s child before him in a fire. That’s what he’d want, and I would too. Natural order of things is to protect the young first.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

If you could save only your child or your husband from a fire, who would you save? And why? You can answer it with the reasoning given from your source not as what you would do. It also may be a completely different question than what the OP was asking or what you are describing.

God forbid anyone have to make this decision.

After my first son was born I suffered from post partum depression. Then 9 - 11 happened a few months after.

For the longest time I could not drive across a bridge with just my son and myself. I was too afraid. I cannot swim, so I thought, if there was a terrorist attack on the bridge, I would not be able to save the baby.

I would feel better of DH drove. He’s a strong swimmer, I figured he could save the baby. I didn’t even think about him saving me.