Who do you love more ,your spouse or your kids

[Debora123]

I can’t see how this is truly Catholic teaching. A life is a life and none is more important than the next. I get the idea about not placing outsiders desires above your spouse’s, but any mother would save her kids before her husband. I have an amazing husband, and a wonderful marriage. Not only would I save my child before him in a fire, I’d save someone else’s child before him in a fire. That’s what he’d want, and I would too. Natural order of things is to protect the young first.

Yes I am sure that’s probably how most parents think. It’s instinctive.

 

[JackieMom]

Yes I am sure that’s probably how most parents think. It’s instinctive.

If the Catholic teaching is that protecting the marital union takes prescedence over anything else, then it would follow that we should also save ourselves in a disaster before saving our children. “Father takes last spot on lifeboat; leaves three-year-old on sinking ship to preserve sacramental marriage.” I mean, come on.

 

[Debora123]

If the Catholic teaching is that protecting the marital union takes prescedence over anything else, then it would follow that we should also save ourselves in a disaster before saving our children. “Father takes last spot on lifeboat; leaves three-year-old on sinking ship to preserve sacramental marriage.” I mean, come on.

Well in a situation where you can only save one person, apparently yes, you’re supposed to save your spouse.

I’m not the one who made this up.

I’m simply sharing what was taught to us at pre cana. I wish there was a way we could all look into it so we could understand exactly why the Church has these views.

 

[JackieMom]

Well in a situation where you can only save one person, apparently yes, you’re supposed to save your spouse.

I’m not the one who made this up.

I’m simply sharing what was taught to us at pre cana. I wish there was a way we could all look into it so we could understand exactly why the Church has these views.

Yeah - I would like to see where the documentation of that idea is.

 

[Cider]

Well in a situation where you can only save one person, apparently yes, you’re supposed to save your spouse.

I’m not the one who made this up.

I’m simply sharing what was taught to us at pre cana. I wish there was a way we could all look into it so we could understand exactly why the Church has these views.

Not stating this is Church teaching, but years ago when this conversation came up some people said the reason that the spouse was supposed to be the priority was because presumably you could always have more children.

Personally, my husband and I both agree we would save our child before each other. I agree with you that it’s instinctual. And yes I’d kill him if he saved me instead.

 

[thewanderer]

Yeah I really have no idea. I didn’t even know about it until it was talked about in marriage prep, and I’ve also read a lot of people on here talking about it too… though not in this thread, but in others.

Wish I did though, I too would like to understand fully exactly why we are supposed to love our spouses more. I think I do understand it, but they are mainly guesses/theories of my own rather than something official I’ve actually read.

Perhaps the reasons are one or some of the following?:

1. Marriage is a sacrament
2. Marriage is supposed to reflect the trinity and you give yourselves entirely to each other
3. Kids leave to form their own families, but your spouse is your life partner
4. Marriage is the root of the family, therefore the most important aspect of a good environment for children is a good marriage to begin with

Any thoughts?

I think that all makes a lot of sense. Well… actually, I don’t really understand the second one, but the other ones yes. And by that I mean that, in a marriage, aren’t the children supposed to also play a role in reflecting the trinity? If I am correct about that then it seems that that would not be a reason to love ones spouse more than ones child.

At the same time though, in a way, it still seems wrong to say we should love one more than the other in that we are supposed to love all people as Christ loves us… So I wonder if saying that one is supposed to love ones spouse more is really the most correct way to phrase it? I think that at least it is true that we are supposed to love our spouse in a more complete way than we are to love any other person on earth, but I’m not sure if that equates to loving them more… lol, that just sounds confusing, does what I’m saying make any sense?

The love of a parent for their child is supposed to be unconditional, just as the love between spouses is. However, the love of a parent to a child is a very different kind of love, it is a love that is, in a way, based on inequality. The parents give everything to the child, and, as the child grows up and begins to get to the point where they can give back, there is still,inherently, this huge gap in their relationship. So the manner in which their love is shared with each other, even when their love for each other is truly unconditional, will never be as complete, if you will ( I feel like there has got to be a better word for what I am getting at than “complete”…), as that between spouses which can be expressed through a truly equal relationship, the unconditional love of spouses for each other is on an equal footing and so the manner that this unconditional love is lived is, in a way, more perfect. Yeah… I’m really not sure if that made any more sense or was any clearer than my previous attempt. Oh well.

I am still especially curious about the idea that a person should save their spouse before saving their child… I am not sure that I necessarily agree with that. Questions about having to choose one person to save though are always difficult… how can one possibly choose any person over another? Also, parents have the capacity to decide that since they would rather themselves die than their child that, to respect that same desire in their spouse they would save their child before their spouse. It wouldn’t so much be saying that you love your child more than your spouse, but rather be an act, that, in a weird way, is actually an act of love for ones spouse as well, by respecting your spouses desire that they perish before their child more than your own personal desire for your spouse to remain alive… Does that make any sense? ha, I guess I should ask does any of my rambling make any kind of sense. Oh well, I’m curious to hear what other people think of my thoughts, so have at it, tear me to shreds.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Apparently that was another pre cana question someone else posted here a few pages back (see post #15), and apparently the right answer is your spouse. I’d like to think I’d save my spouse, but since I don’t have any children yet, it’s impossible to say if I’d actually follow through with that. But I’d like to think I would. Right now, I couldn’t imagine saving anyone BUT my spouse.

You?

Life and death? Kids first.

But in regards to the other example (post #39) and related issues, I agree with that. Nurturing that relationship will trickle down to the children and they ultimately benefit.

 

[Debora123]

I think that all makes a lot of sense. Well… actually, I don’t really understand the second one, but the other ones yes. And by that I mean that, in a marriage, aren’t the children supposed to also play a role in reflecting the trinity? If I am correct about that then it seems that that would not be a reason to love ones spouse more than ones child.

At the same time though, in a way, it still seems wrong to say we should love one more than the other in that we are supposed to love all people as Christ loves us… So I wonder if saying that one is supposed to love ones spouse more is really the most correct way to phrase it? I think that at least it is true that we are supposed to love our spouse in a more complete way than we are to love any other person on earth, but I’m not sure if that equates to loving them more… lol, that just sounds confusing, does what I’m saying make any sense?

The love of a parent for their child is supposed to be unconditional, just as the love between spouses is. However, the love of a parent to a child is a very different kind of love, it is a love that is, in a way, based on inequality. The parents give everything to the child, and, as the child grows up and begins to get to the point where they can give back, there is still,inherently, this huge gap in their relationship. So the manner in which their love is shared with each other, even when their love for each other is truly unconditional, will never be as complete, if you will ( I feel like there has got to be a better word for what I am getting at than “complete”…), as that between spouses which can be expressed through a truly equal relationship, the unconditional love of spouses for each other is on an equal footing and so the manner that this unconditional love is lived is, in a way, more perfect. Yeah… I’m really not sure if that made any more sense or was any clearer than my previous attempt. Oh well.

I am still especially curious about the idea that a person should save their spouse before saving their child… I am not sure that I necessarily agree with that. Questions about having to choose one person to save though are always difficult… how can one possibly choose any person over another? Also, parents have the capacity to decide that since they would rather themselves die than their child that, to respect that same desire in their spouse they would save their child before their spouse. It wouldn’t so much be saying that you love your child more than your spouse, but rather be an act, that, in a weird way, is actually an act of love for ones spouse as well, by respecting your spouses desire that they perish before their child more than your own personal desire for your spouse to remain alive… Does that make any sense? ha, I guess I should ask does any of my rambling make any kind of sense. Oh well, I’m curious to hear what other people think of my thoughts, so have at it, tear me to shreds.

Lol, yeah I don’t know.

Wish I had more wisdom on the subject, but all I can say is what was taught to me during marriage prep. I wish I had asked more questions though.

Shouldn’t you be starting marriage prep soon? Perhaps you can figure this out and enlighten the rest of us lol.

 

[thewanderer]

Lol, yeah I don’t know.

Wish I had more wisdom on the subject, but all I can say is what was taught to me during marriage prep. I wish I had asked more questions though.

Shouldn’t you be starting marriage prep soon? Perhaps you can figure this out and enlighten the rest of us lol.

We have already started marriage prep, and we actually already did take our foccus test which is part of why I found it really interesting that some people’s foccus tests had a question about would you save your husband or your child because ours didn’t have that. So I don’t really know exactly what’s going on there. But maybe I will ask our priest about it at our next meeting

 

[Debora123]

I have already started marriage prep, and we actually already did take our foccus test which is part of why I found it really interesting that some people’s foccus tests had a question about would you save your husband or your child because ours didn’t have that. So I don’t really know exactly what’s going on there. But maybe I will ask our priest about it at our next meeting

Yeah our foccus test didn’t have that question either. But then again, the poster who told us about the question didn’t specifically say it came from the foccus test… just that it was asked at some point during marriage prep. Was the question about the Christmas family get together on yours?

During our retreat, one of the speakers was talking about children and love and said that when she had her first child she was holding him in her arms in the hospital and said to him “I love you so much, but I love your daddy more.”

…And that was when they started talking to us about loving each other more than any future child. I was a bit surprised, but I can accept that.

 

[thewanderer]

Yeah our foccus test didn’t have that question either. But then again, the poster who told us about the question didn’t specifically say it came from the foccus test… just that it was asked at some point during marriage prep. Was the question about the Christmas family get together on yours?

During our retreat, one of the speakers was talking about children and love and said that when she had her first child she was holding him in her arms in the hospital and said to him “I love you so much, but I love your daddy more.”

…And that was when they started talking to us about loving each other more than any future child. I was a bit surprised, but I can accept that.

I don’t remember that question specifically, but there was definitely a question about putting children or spouse first in some respect… it wasn’t about the children’s needs, because obviously those go before parents wants, but again, I believe the correct answer was spouse first, at least, thats what both me and my fiance answered and our priest didn’t bring it up as a problematic answer. If I find out any more about it I will be sure to come back and post it here

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think it’s a (unintentionally) false question, because the love is different between parent and child as compared to that between husband and wife. And there are different ways in which one would act in different circumstances relative to each.

But I do know that if my wife saved me before a child, I would be extremely angry. But I know she wouldn’t do it, because she knows I would want her to save the child.

 

[JackieMom]

Yeah our foccus test didn’t have that question either. But then again, the poster who told us about the question didn’t specifically say it came from the foccus test… just that it was asked at some point during marriage prep. Was the question about the Christmas family get together on yours?

During our retreat, one of the speakers was talking about children and love and said that when she had her first child she was holding him in her arms in the hospital and said to him “I love you so much, but I love your daddy more.”

…And that was when they started talking to us about loving each other more than any future child. I was a bit surprised, but I can accept that.

What a terrible thing to say to a child - even a baby It seems like you maybe just had some “unique” retreat leaders. I went through the program and there was nothing like this shared. Putting spouse above extended family and friends? Yes. Loving spouse “more” than kids? Absolutely not.

 

[Debora123]

What a terrible thing to say to a child - even a baby It seems like you maybe just had some “unique” retreat leaders. I went through the program and there was nothing like this shared. Putting spouse above extended family and friends? Yes. Loving spouse “more” than kids? Absolutely not.

Well the new born baby obviously doesn’t understand what she was saying.

I dunno about unique retreat leaders. I know I’m not the only one who has heard we must put our spouse above our kids, because other people here on CAF have talked about it too. So it’s not like the people involved in my marriage prep are completely out of line.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

We don’t have kids yet, so it is easy for me to say I love my spouse more, right now. When we have kids, I think I will love them more. They will grow in me. They will be a part of me. I will definitely be a momma bear. LOL. I have a fantastic husband who I love dearly, but if he became an abusive parent all hell would break loose. I would do anything to protect a child from an adult. No matter if that adult is my husband. Children need their parents, if they didn’t they would leave the nest as a toddler. lol.

 

[john6565]

Yeah our foccus test didn’t have that question either. But then again, the poster who told us about the question didn’t specifically say it came from the foccus test… just that it was asked at some point during marriage prep. Was the question about the Christmas family get together on yours?

During our retreat, one of the speakers was talking about children and love and said that when she had her first child she was holding him in her arms in the hospital and said to him “I love you so much, but I love your daddy more.”

…And that was when they started talking to us about loving each other more than any future child. I was a bit surprised, but I can accept that.

I am not surprised by this lady’s reaction .I asked this question to my mother and got disappointed .so I decided to ask this same question to my grandmother about who she loved the most, thinking that the answer would be me. Without hesitating, she told me that she loved grandpa the most. I was surprised and kept asking her if she loved him more than my mother, more than my aunt, more than me. Always the answer was yes. She was incredibly gentle throughout my line of questioning and explained to me that he was the love of her life. I was too young then to understand the difference between romantic love and familial love, but I always remembered this. I also remember my grandparents sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands and singing tunes together absentmindedly well into their 80s before my grandpa died. They had a great love and raised two great kids (my mom and my aunt) and always put each other first.

It was heartwarming to see them holding hands in their late 80’s.My grand mom didn’t live much after the death of my grandpa (barely 1 week ) .Doctor said “she died of a broken heart”. My parents are the same way. They are still so in love with each other .Seems like "putting your spouse first and foremost " is the rule in my family and maybe that is the reason our family never seen a divorce.

I am not a father yet but i know who i will love more or maybe that is what we are supposed to do i guess.

 

[Deborah4565]

**I am not sure that love should ever be phrased in competitive terms. The love you have for your children (biological or otherwise) is completely different than the love you have for your spouse.

For those lucky enough to marry their one true soul-mate nothing will ever come close to that love, but why would you ever want it to? Just as nothing will ever come close to the love you have for your children. They are so completely different, and require such different things from you as a person what is the point in comparing them?

At some point a good parent wants their children to grow-up, leave the nest and have challenging, fulfilling and spiritually rich lives. At no point does a good spouse want their wife / husband to leave and have a life without them. For your children you are guiding, nurturing, raising them to be productive members of society. For your spouse you are loving them unconditional regardless of whether they’re productive or not what matters is your love for them. They’re such different, complex relationships I see no reason to compare them.

I would not advertise the fact that I love my kids more than my husband because it is a breading ground for resentment and hurt feelings, just as I wouldn’t advertise the opposite. I do think it unhealthy to become obsessed about any person, spouse or children, you should be aiming to have a rich, satisfying life independent of your special relationships, not dependent on them. One can have a totally committed, devoted relationship without obsessing over it
My husband holds my heart and love which no person can compete with ,same with my kids.They all are my life and my love for them is infinite .NO MORE NO LESS But my husband comes first and foremost . .And i think that is the way it should be.
**

 

[Debora123]

I am not surprised by this lady’s reaction .I asked this question to my mother and got disappointed .so I decided to ask this same question to my grandmother about who she loved the most, thinking that the answer would be me. Without hesitating, she told me that she loved grandpa the most. I was surprised and kept asking her if she loved him more than my mother, more than my aunt, more than me. Always the answer was yes. She was incredibly gentle throughout my line of questioning and explained to me that he was the love of her life. I was too young then to understand the difference between romantic love and familial love, but I always remembered this. I also remember my grandparents sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands and singing tunes together absentmindedly well into their 80s before my grandpa died. They had a great love and raised two great kids (my mom and my aunt) and always put each other first.

It was heartwarming to see them holding hands in their late 80’s.My grand mom didn’t live much after the death of my grandpa (barely 1 week ) .Doctor said “she died of a broken heart”. My parents are the same way. They are still so in love with each other .Seems like "putting your spouse first and foremost " is the rule in my family and maybe that is the reason our family never seen a divorce.

I am not a father yet but i know who i will love more or maybe that is what we are supposed to do i guess.

Beautiful! I agree 100%!

 

[Domitus]

I just want to point out how excellent of an answer this is, Deacon. I really couldn’t put it better myself. I was speaking on this subject with my soon-to-be fiance and I couldn’t quite answer it the way I wanted to. Thanks!

 

[Deborah4565]

I just want to point out how excellent of an answer this is, Deacon. I really couldn’t put it better myself. I was speaking on this subject with my soon-to-be fiance and I couldn’t quite answer it the way I wanted to. Thanks!

Yes they are all different types of loves. I like “agape” the most though