Who do you vote for, Joe or John?

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I vote for Joe. I realize that your children are very important to you, however in a marriage you must be physically attracted to the other person. While you may very much care for John, it may be just a sisterly kind of love. Don’t get married just for the childrens sake. If there is no passion in your marriage your children will sense that something is not right. I don’t think you would even consider Joe if he wasn’t good for your children. Perhaps he is just shy around kids. Have you discussed how he feels about children? This topic might make or break the relationship.
 
Why is everyone down on the pot smoking? I understand that it is illegal, however have you ever heard of a man who beat his wife and children while on pot? No it is always the alcoholics or other druggies that do those things. While I do not exactly approve of the habit it is really no worse than those stinky cigarette smokers (except illegal in most areas) It comes from the earth and is even perscribed as medication to help some people who are ill. How can something be that bad if it is good for some?
 
Anna's Mom:
Why is everyone down on the pot smoking? I understand that it is illegal, however have you ever heard of a man who beat his wife and children while on pot? No it is always the alcoholics or other druggies that do those things. While I do not exactly approve of the habit it is really no worse than those stinky cigarette smokers (except illegal in most areas) It comes from the earth and is even perscribed as medication to help some people who are ill. How can something be that bad if it is good for some?
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And if he develops marijuana induced psychosis or schizophrenia along the way?
 
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spiritblows:
Dear Abby,
For one thing, I’m almost 50, so I can’t be totally picky. !
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You can too be picky. As a matter of fact you SHOULD be picky. Never ever just settle!

As to your original question…in a word…NEITHER!
~ Kathy ~
 
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rayne89:
If you were sure there was no pot smoking I’d go with Man #1. Ok I should warn you this is coming from a woman who ran off and married a bad boy at the age of 18. (Now a reformed bad boy and solid Catholic.)

My reasons being first off not ever married over divorced. One -you have no ex-wife or stepchild complications. Two -I would wonder some about how seriously a person who is divorced may or may not take their marriage vows. It also sounds like there is more potential for #1 to become a faithful Catholic then #2. And to be honest he just sounds more fun and interesting. The only red flag would be the pot smoking as am strong against it. Especially since you have young children.
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My vote…just be careful. Men tend to misrepresent themselves in order to impress and in the end are nothing like what they lead you to believe. I know this first hand…also the divorce thing…I tend to agree with rayne89, they don’t take their vows as seriously after divorce. They see it as if they can get out of them, they’ve done it before, I know this first hand too. Just try to get to know them, but also find out from others what they’re like because they will never be their true selves around you until it may be too late, those around them may give you insights you won’t get from them, just my suggestions.
 
As far as pot smoking, if it was only an occasional thing that a guy did with his buddies, and was never in the household, I probably could tolerate it. I couldn’t stand a pothead though.

No, I haven’t dated either man, just friendly. I’ve been very reserved around men, and thought I didn’t want remarry. I’ve been reconsidering though.

As far as John’s divorce, that was years ago, and I heard that it was his wife who dumped him. I heard she got bored with him. He’s very nice, very well spoken, soft spoken, and a gentleman. Really, the only thing about him is that his weight goes up and down making him physically not totally attractive to me, plus more of a health risk. The plus side is that he likes to cook and eat out, so I wouldn’t have to cater to him, since I’m not into the daily grind of having a fancy dinner on the table every day.

The thing about Joe is that he is serious about the Church. Why, I stopped by his house yesterday and he put a new inner tube on my bike, and we had a nice conversation, and he really is serious about the Church. Also, he’s retiring from the UPS gig, so won’t be going south each winter any more. He prays the rosary. He looks a little like Fabio I always thought. I find his body attractive, and a big part of the reason I want to find a husband is that I don’t want to be celibate anymore. It’s been 8 years and it’s getting old. I’m ready for a change.

I think what I’ll do is start dropping by the drug store more often, and dropping by the bike shop for things. I really like talking to both of these men, and I need to quit being so reserved. I stopped by the drugstore yesterday and talked with John, mostly about skiing. I’ll have to swing by there more regularly in order to encourage him, because he’s always hinting about skiing and bringing the kids up to the chalet. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I’ll make it clear about my faith, and that I’m serious about it. No sex, that means, without marriage.
 
The answer is really quite simple: NEITHER!!!

Why?
  1. Your children probably aren’t interested in your having a new man in your life. Really, they’re not.
  2. I can’t imagine why you’d be interested in someone who uses illegal drugs.
  3. You might be happier with a new man, but your children won’t.
  4. I can’t imagine why you’d be interested in someone with a drinking problem.
  5. Your children don’t need a drug user or someone with a drinking problem in their lives.
  6. Men shouldn’t have long hair. It should be illegal. Seriously, it should.
  7. Wait until your children are 18 and in college.
 
Anna's Mom:
Why is everyone down on the pot smoking? I understand that it is illegal, however have you ever heard of a man who beat his wife and children while on pot? No it is always the alcoholics or other druggies that do those things. While I do not exactly approve of the habit it is really no worse than those stinky cigarette smokers (except illegal in most areas) It comes from the earth and is even perscribed as medication to help some people who are ill. How can something be that bad if it is good for some?
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Check the Catechism… #2291…use of drugs, other then a therapeutic reason, is a grave offense. Using them is contrary to moral law.
 
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rayne89:
My reasons being first off not ever married over divorced. One -you have no ex-wife or stepchild complications. Two **-I would wonder some about how seriously a person who is divorced may or may not take their marriage vows. **.
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I am an annulled mom and have dated many men since my divorce - both divorced and men who have never married. I have found that the older a man gets who has never been married, he can become set in his ways, may have a tendency towards selfishness, and just not as giving as a divorced dad would be. ( no flames please -this is my experience with several men- and I realize this does not apply to all older single men as there are many wonderful men out there).

I also think the highlighted statement above is rude. There are many divorced people who are in this position because of unusual circumstances - mental illness, abuses of some nature - this does not mean our vows were not taken seriously. However it does mean that you should take serious time to consider the events and circumstances of the divorce.

Based on my dating experience, and obviously examining the reasons for the divorce, I would pick the divorced dad hands down!

But in this case, why are you so ready to just settle? Just settling for a man will make you unhappy in the long run. You need a good fit - not just one that will do. Pray that God brings you the man He wants you to have.

There is no such thing as the perfect man, but I do believe that God can deliver the perfect fit for you!
 
Thanks jrabs,
I think you make some good points. I have read that if a man hasn’t married by 40, then he becomes very set in his ways. That is a concern about Joe, who seems very young and independent to me. But, OTOH, I like my space and wouldn’t mind having a lot of it in marriage.

As far as the perfect fit, I had that with my husband who died. He was my perfect fit, I loved him so much. 😦
 
I was divorced after my husband left me for six years…“dating” can not be considered the same as before you had children. I was still very young at the time (24) but made the decision that I would most likely not remarry until my children were 18. There are issues that you must be aware of.

Do not introduce your children to anyone…until you absolutely positively know this person will be marriage material. Children can get attached and when you break up they would experience pain. Big No-No.

There are men out there that will be jealous of your children!! Sounds immature…but true. RUN. I met a person through church that seemed wonderful, but if he called asking me to dinner and I was busy with my two children, he would get miffed, and actually admitted jealousy.

If the person that you date has children and begins comparing yours against his…RUN. I was introduced to a seemingly nice man while in college. He had one daughter, and we often talked about children. If I ever said anything about one of my own having a bad day…he would be like “My child would never act that way!” Hey! My children are perfect in my eyes! Bye-Bye.

Basically I decided that unless I met a man who had the capacity to love my children as his own…it would not work. I also decided that I would not date anyone with children.

I agreed with Benedictus. But six years later I met my soon to be husband. Huge love capacity. He took my children in and does love them as his own. He filled a void that my ex-husband had left…a gaping hole actually (I might as well have been widowed…my ex apparently divorced my children as well as me) He supports us all and requested that I stay home with my children…we had a baby together, and I thought O.K…we’ll see some difference in the way he treats his flesh and blood vs. step…I tell you now…there is no difference. My husband has three children. My children call him Dad…and love him.

Put your children’s interests into your dating equasion…you are a package deal…When a man marries a woman who has children…he marries a family. He must mesh with all the dynamics. Miraculously…my husband fit in perfectly…as if he was always meant to be there…never settle for less than that.

Love, Teresa
 
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spiritblows:
Thanks jrabs,
I think you make some good points. I have read that if a man hasn’t married by 40, then he becomes very set in his ways. That is a concern about Joe, who seems very young and independent to me. But, OTOH, I like my space and wouldn’t mind having a lot of it in marriage.

As far as the perfect fit, I had that with my husband who died. He was my perfect fit, I loved him so much. 😦
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I am over 40. There are some great men out there over 40 ( but as you have come to realize the weeding process is difficult). It has been a real concern for me in the many single men I dated. While they were great with my kids, they just did not seem to appreciate the total selflessness that a parent needs to have. Maybe we would have dinner plans and BAM! One kid gets sick and the plans get tossed without a second thought - but the single person seemed to have a difficult time understanding just how plans could be set aside so easily.

I also had the experience that the single man always desired to go here and there - but without being completely cognizant of the need for babysitters.

Thus my pick for the divorced men over the single man - once I ascertain the circumstances of the divorce.

I am in the same situation you are in…only I also deal with the ramifications and stigma of being divorced. The mindset that was displayed by some posters. I fight that mindset of people looking at me and thinking I am divorced so I must not have taken my vows seriously. I can understand that mindset - but each person is different and each divorce is different. Don’t let that be the determining factor.

As for the physical attraction to a man. If you aren’t physically attracted to a man, you will have a difficult time in a marriage with him. That was my marriage and it was very lonely.

Wait, wait, wait and pray. God has a plan.
 
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Lillith:
I was divorced after my husband left me for six years…“dating” can not be considered the same as before you had children. I was still very young at the time (24) but made the decision that I would most likely not remarry until my children were 18. There are issues that you must be aware of.

Do not introduce your children to anyone…until you absolutely positively know this person will be marriage material. Children can get attached and when you break up they would experience pain. Big No-No.

There are men out there that will be jealous of your children!! Sounds immature…but true. RUN. I met a person through church that seemed wonderful, but if he called asking me to dinner and I was busy with my two children, he would get miffed, and actually admitted jealousy.

If the person that you date has children and begins comparing yours against his…RUN. I was introduced to a seemingly nice man while in college. He had one daughter, and we often talked about children. If I ever said anything about one of my own having a bad day…he would be like “My child would never act that way!” Hey! My children are perfect in my eyes! Bye-Bye.

Basically I decided that unless I met a man who had the capacity to love my children as his own…it would not work. I also decided that I would not date anyone with children.

I agreed with Benedictus. But six years later I met my soon to be husband. Huge love capacity. He took my children in and does love them as his own. He filled a void that my ex-husband had left…a gaping hole actually (I might as well have been widowed…my ex apparently divorced my children as well as me) He supports us all and requested that I stay home with my children…we had a baby together, and I thought O.K…we’ll see some difference in the way he treats his flesh and blood vs. step…I tell you now…there is no difference. My husband has three children. My children call him Dad…and love him.

Put your children’s interests into your dating equasion…you are a package deal…When a man marries a woman who has children…he marries a family. He must mesh with all the dynamics. Miraculously…my husband fit in perfectly…as if he was always meant to be there…never settle for less than that.

Love, Teresa
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What a great and realistic perspective. I am so happy you found your perfect mate, Lillith. I think it’s wonderful how careful you were about discerning who would be best for your children, and running away when red flags surfaced. How blessed you all are to have found each other! 🙂
 
I would advise against going to the chalet of a man who you are dating with your children unless it was a day trip and he has had plenty of interaction with your kids already. They might get very confused if all of you spent the night there, even if everyone had their own bed room. Really, you should date some one for quite a while before introducing them to your children. Trust me on this, my father put all of us through this and it was unpleasant (to say the least) to be a child and watch. It’s so very hard for them. The older the children are, the easier it is on their little souls. Wait as long as you can.
 
Hi!!! I hope you are doing well. 🙂 Well, since you asked for opinions, here’s mine:
  1. Dating a divorced man that does not have an annulment = dating a married man. Unless he gets an annulment, I would not go for him. And if he does get one, but has drinking problems, I still wouldn’t go for him.
  2. Better marry lest we burn, but marriage is a serious thing, whether you’re a widow or its a first marriage. Sex is a part of marriage, but we don’t marry for sex. It just worried me a bit the wording of wanting independence (when in marriage 2 become one) and regular sex.
  3. You mentioned your kids are your primary concern. Try to look at everything from that point of view, then. Use of illegal drugs can lead to a number of serious problems in a family: financial, safety issues, etc etc not to mention problems with the law.
I am forced to leave my ballot blank, or perhaps write in Jake. Pray for guidance, there may be a wonderful Jake waiting for you around the corner!
 
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Princess_Abby:
What a great and realistic perspective. I am so happy you found your perfect mate, Lillith. I think it’s wonderful how careful you were about discerning who would be best for your children, and running away when red flags surfaced. How blessed you all are to have found each other! 🙂
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:o …Thank you for the compliment. I knew instinctively that my children already had one cross to bare…one man who had failed them…and I wasn’t about to let that happen to them again. The day my first was born I looked into her eyes and promised her the best life I could give…I dedicated my life basically.

Pray, pray, pray…I did about this subject often, and God blessed me with the answer…be specific and it is amazing what He will do if your intentions are only the best.
 
Wow, I’m glad I started this thread. I’m getting some great imput! Thanks!
 
One problem I have is that I really don’t want to date. I don’t enjoy dating. It seems like an artificial situation. I’ve never really dated. I don’t have time for it, for one thing. I don’t enjoy going out much. I’m too old to date. I just want to meet the right guy, get married, and have sex again, truthfully. I don’t want all the problems of dating, if that makes any sense. Who has time to date when they have a career and kids to raise, plus managing household things?

I really would be a good wife, I’m tolerant, and loving, plus I get along with men and understand them. I wouldn’t be possessive as long as a guy is sexually faithful. I would never give him a reason to stray anyways, and would make him feel manly no matter what. Also, I have truly nice kids who aren’t spoiled.
 
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spiritblows:
One problem I have is that I really don’t want to date. I don’t enjoy dating. It seems like an artificial situation. I’ve never really dated. I don’t have time for it, for one thing. I don’t enjoy going out much. I’m too old to date. I just want to meet the right guy, get married, and have sex again, truthfully. I don’t want all the problems of dating, if that makes any sense. Who has time to date when they have a career and kids to raise, plus managing household things?

I really would be a good wife, I’m tolerant, and loving, plus I get along with men and understand them. I wouldn’t be possessive as long as a guy is sexually faithful. I would never give him a reason to stray anyways, and would make him feel manly no matter what. Also, I have truly nice kids who aren’t spoiled.
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You’re gonna make someone very happy!
 
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spiritblows:
One problem I have is that I really don’t want to date. I don’t enjoy dating. It seems like an artificial situation. I’ve never really dated. I don’t have time for it, for one thing. I don’t enjoy going out much. I’m too old to date. I just want to meet the right guy, get married, and have sex again, truthfully. I don’t want all the problems of dating, if that makes any sense. Who has time to date when they have a career and kids to raise, plus managing household things?

I really would be a good wife, I’m tolerant, and loving, plus I get along with men and understand them. I wouldn’t be possessive as long as a guy is sexually faithful. I would never give him a reason to stray anyways, and would make him feel manly no matter what. Also, I have truly nice kids who aren’t spoiled.
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Well…so how does that work? How do you meet a nice guy and then get married if there is no in-between? How do you define the in-between if you don’t like to go out or don’t have time to spend? The purpose of “dating” is to get to know someone and discern a future relationship with them, and in your case, what sort of relationship they would have with your children. This can be done a variety of ways, but ultimately it takes time spent together. The word “dating” is just semantics, but how do you choose the mate that God intends for you if you don’t have an in-between time?
 
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