Who do you vote for, Joe or John?

[Celia]

Well, my first thought is, have you talked this over with your kids? They’re kinda young, 4th and 5th grade…have you asked them how they would feel if Mom went on a date every now and then…or if she got remarried some time? A good, honest and open dialougue with your kids to air out any issues they might have with this might avoid problems in the future. Because obviously, your children are your first priority.

That said, once you have your talk with them and if everything is ok, I would get to know Joe a little better. Just from the sound of your posts it sounds like you like him better. It’s good that he goes to church and prays the rosary. But if you find out that he does smoke pot, forget it. Frat boys smoke pot, not 44 year old men. And make sure that you don’t get to caught up in looks - he may look like Fabio, but that isn’t going to matter one bit to your kids. They’re looking for a father figure. Is he?

It wouldn’t hurt to get to know John a little better as well, but if you’re not attracted, you’re not. It’s not something you can force. But give him a chance, maybe one date. You never know. And of course at any hint of alcoholism, run like the wind my friend.

I hope I didn’t confuse you too much. Good luck!!

 

[Cupofkindness]

It sounds like Spiritblows is more interested in a courtship relationship rather than a more casual dating relationship. At least, that’s what I think she means.

 

[spiritblows]

Cupofkindness:

It sounds like Spiritblows is more interested in a courtship relationship rather than a more casual dating relationship. At least, that’s what I think she means.

Yes, that probably would be a good description. Dating in this modern world puts a lot of sexual pressure on someone. I tell you, I would be vulnerable to temptation. I just don’t know how to go about this. It’s been so long since I had sex, I think if a guy touched me I’d lose control.

 

[Cupofkindness]

That’s not an easy place to be in. Loneliness is never easy. Thank you for dealing with this in a Godly manner. Your children are very fortunate to have you as a mother.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

My 2+ Cents:

Well it sounds to me like John is not much of an option, because you don’t like him that way. He’s a nice man with money. Neither one of those things would be anywhere near enough for me to consider him husband material. The fact that you don’t even know if he was baptized Catholic tells me that either he is not a serious Catholic or you don’t know him nearly well enough to be even considering this (this would be one of the first things I find out about a man). Plus the previous marriage is an automatic RED LIGHT until it is actually annulled.

Now Joe sounds like a man you know well enough and like enough to consider, BUT:

As for being able to tolerate Joe’s pot-smoking. Unless you can tolerate your children smoking pot in the near future (they’re getting near the age), you shouldn’t be willing to tolerate it with him. I forsee a huge can of worms otherwise.

As for Joe being serious about faith. He sounds like someone who respects Catholicism and can be serious about it at times. But can you really call him serious about his faith when he’s on again, off again? The fact that he abstains from communion when he’s off again, doesn’t negate the fact that he is still choosing sin and the abandonment of his Church’s requirements. Again, another can of worms that could be opened for your soon-to-be teenagers, especially if you would like them to be serious about their faith.

And the question remains, will you getting re-married be good for your children at all? What kind of father will these men be, and how will your children handle becoming stepchildren? I vote in favor of waiting til your kids are grown up. Eight years probably seems like a long time to wait, but if you really consider all of the “side-effects” your dating and remarriage could have on your children, you may find it a reasonable sacrifice.

I suppose it is possible that in some situations, God throws a spouse in a widow’s lap, so to speak. And if that were to happen, of course answer the call to a second marriage. But is that happening here? What is God asking you to do with the next 8 years of your life? Does he want one of these men to be the step-father of your kids? Does he want you to put your energy into finding and getting to know a future spouse? Is he calling you instead to the sacrifice of your social needs for the sake of your kids?

And I agree with the other posters: Assuming you are called to another marriage, don’t let yourself be fooled by your small town. You are fully deserving of the RIGHT guy, you do not need to settle. You are NOT that old. You’re worth waiting for (or looking for) the right man.

Saying a prayer for your discernment. God Bless.
TKC

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Hi!

One more thing. Keep in mind that if you were to marry someone, and they had a freak accident days after you were married and were unable to have intercourse from then on, you would still be bound by marriage to them and you would still have to love them and live without the marital embrace or any similar acts. My point is just to make sure that sex isn’t the** reason ** you want to marry (I’m not saying it is ). I think it is great that you recognize whatever weaknesses you may have and are taking them into consideration. Keep asking God for guidance, He will help you!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

spiritblows:

For one thing, I’m almost 50, so I can’t be totally picky…

HOGWASH!! How do you get to this age and sell yourself so short? You have lived for some time without a mate, what’s the push for marriage now?! It seems you have every reason to be extremely picky–you are accomplished, financially secure, have a satisfying career, physically fit and healthy and, most importantly, the mother of two young children. You don’t “need” to be married. What message do you send to your kids if you “settle” for someone with whom you are not fully compatible, do not completely respect or do not find attractive. This could make for a L O N G 30 years you have ahead of you.

Secondly, I live in a rather unpopulated area…

You admitted you don’t like to “date.” But good men don’t fall off trees while you’re out on a walk. Find someone who you encounter while pursuing your interests–at your kids’ school, at church, business contacts, through a book club, skiing, biking, running–whatever it is you do for enjoyment. If you skimp on the effort on the front end you can expect no more than a minimal return on your minimal investment.

These guys really are both nice guys. I think I need to get to know them better.

If you were marketing these “nice guys,” they wouldn’t sell any faster than day-old oatmeal. Seems like you know enough to know neither is a great catch. Would you encourage your kids to marry or pursue a relationship if this is how they described their potential mate?! Move on…

 

[spacecadet]

i also vote for neither. you can do a lot better. pray for God to send the right person.

since you have children you need to be especially careful about who you bring into their lives.

 

[SMHW]

I’m also going to vote for neither.

Forgive me for being blunt here. But neither man apparently stands out enough to make you disregard the other. You don’t have enough passion for either to overlook their shortcomings.

If you have that much sexual interest then you must have a great deal of energy that you could be channeling elsewhere. As a single mom I would think you could be using it more effectively in service to your kids, your employer, and/or the Church. There will still be men around when your kids grow up. Don’t rob them now.

What ARE you passionate about? Music? Dancing? Running? Computers? Public speaking? Foreign Languages? Politics? Horseback riding? Since you don’t have to worry about a husband that needs you, you should have the time to devote to it. And you’ll be meeting people, both women and men, who have interests you share. That will help with any lonliness.

 

[Trick]

spiritblows:

Dear Lynnie,
The trouble is, I don’t want to move and I doubt if anyone from my area, in my age catogory, would be on Ave Maria dating service.

Really both these guys are probably good enough for me, since I’m not perfect either. What I want is a guy that is not going to need to be babied. I want a lot of independence. I don’t want stepchildren or complicated situations. But, I do want regular sex, because St Paul said better to marry than burn. So, as far as that, both these guys will probably not be high maintence but fulfill their conjugal duties adequetely and happily, as would I.

Joe is a wild man, and has lots of hobbies, so I wouldn’t need to be his mother. John has money and hobbies, and a prosperous business, and likes to go to restaurants, so I wouldn’t have to cook for him all the time. They are both decent human beings, although not perfect. As long as they’re not smothering, I would be content.

How do you know that there may not be eligibles in your area with Ava Maria singles , why don’t you find out.
Based on what you have described I think your future mate is gentleman # 3 ?

I wish you the best , my prayers are with you.

Trick

 

[BLB_Oregon]

You lost the love of your life with your with two little boys not in school yet? I am so sorry. I can see why it would be eight years before you thought about dating.

I wouldn’t give up on Joe unless I knew he smoked pot. “He is intelligent, ethical, and passionate”… so ask him, already. I’m not talking about grilling him, but if you can trust the guy to fill in the blanks, then when the time presents itself, let him tell you.

As for our single and solid John, he deserves better than a wife who doesn’t find him attractive. As for money, I wouldn’t weigh his money or extravagant tastes as points in his favor, but if he is thoughtful or life-loving in way he uses his money or is willing to work hard to contribute to the family, profession, and community, for instance, that’s another thing. He also deserves to have you get first-hand knowledge of his substance use issues. If you can’t ask him and feel you can take his answer at face value, then keep looking.

It doesn’t sound as if either has deal-killer issues that you know with certainty. Keep dating these fellows, if you like, because people do grow on us after awhile as more complete pictures emerge. Please, though, don’t even consider marrying either one unless you would have no other than he. Yes, you may wind up with neither, but you can’t let them suffer for your insecurities.

The real question is the same as the first time around: is this the one you want to commit your life to, even if he turns out to be worse, and not better, than you’d imagined?

 

[LSK]

spiritblows:

Okay ladies, here’s the situation. I’ve decided, after 8+ years of widowhood that I’m open to marriage. I’m financially secure, with a good career, and some investment property. I’m physically fit, not very outgoing, like a lot of time to myself, fast approaching 50. I want your opinions of the two different men who are currently options for me. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Man #1… Joe, is 4 years younger than me, extremely fit and physically attractive, even though he has long hair. He seems younger than his age, has never been married, no kids, , loves to hang out with his brothers, is an avid mountain biker, has a wild look about him. He is a on and off practising Catholic who always goes to confession before returning to the Church and will sit out of communion if necessary. I can tell he’s geniuinly spiritual. I suspect Joe might sometimes smoke pot. He has a happy go lucky attitude, but probably is ready to settle down. I really like talking to him. He is intelligent, ethical, and passionate.

Man #2… John is a previously married, one grown son, long time single, solid citizen. He owns a downtown pharmacy, is a pharmacist, I’ve heard he’s ‘rich’ as one person told me. He is involved in community organizations and is a good guy. He is nice looking, but struggles with his weight and I’ve never been physically attracted to him. He is an avid skier and is always hinting that we should go skiing together. He has a mountain chalet. He might be eligible for marriage in the Church because he was probably baptized Catholic and didn’t marry in the Church the first time. That’s a guess on my part. He is very courteous, a bit shy and has an endearing stutter. He is also probably a bit younger than me. He likes to eat at fancy restaurants, and someone once told me that he drinks too much. He has short red hair, a nice trimmed beard, and brown eyes. A very devout lady from my church was very approving when she heard he was interested in me.

What do you think? Joe or John? I still have 2 kids living at home who are 4th and 5th grade. They are really good kids and a primary concern for me.

I would suggest that if either one of these gentlemen have even the HINT of some kind of substance abuse problem then you are foolish to bring them into a home with two young children.

Can you ‘date’ them awhile longer…and can those dates include Mass on Sundays?

Dr. Laura would suggest that you not marry again until you children are grown … I am not sure about that but I think you need to pray about this one…I am a recovering alcoholic, and let me tell you, taking a chance on someone who may or may NOT have a substance abuse problem when you have kids, YOUNG kids, is really risky.

Even if one of them does have a mountain chalet…sigh.

 

[Courtneyjo]

Here are some questions to think about:

Which one would help you get to Heaven, and which one could you help reach Heaven? Which one is more willing to grow in his Catholic Faith with you? Which one would have the most positive influence on your children?

Which one are you the least likely to want to change? Which one is the least likely to want to change you?

If his parents are still living, how does he treat them? At a restaurant, how does he treat the waitstaff?

If you have daughters, which one would you like to see walking your girls down the aisle? If you have sons, which one would you like teaching them how to respect women?

You are both physically and spiritually attracted to Joe. You are attracted to John’s standing in the community, and to his money. If Joe gets sick, depressed, and perpetually grouchy, would you still want him? If John loses his business, his bank account, and his reputation, would you still want him?

Which one is most at ease in his own skin? Which one has “baggage” that you do not want to deal with?

Which one has the most beautiful spirit? Which one laughs at your jokes and makes you laugh?

Which one do you want to grow old with?

 

[LSK]

spiritblows:

Dear Abby,
For one thing, I’m almost 50, so I can’t be totally picky. Secondly, I live in a rather unpopulated area. These guys really are both nice guys. I think I need to get to know them better.

You guys are a great sounding board!

DING! DING! DING! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

There is a big wad of fear here, my lovely, wonderful, sister-in-Christ. You certainly CAN be picky and your age has absolutely NOTHING to do with it…you may not be given your mate by the Lord until your 70 but it may be the RIGHT mate…but if you settle for someone because you are afraid that you are going to be alone, instead of taking the time to truly get as close to Him as you possibly can, take it from me (gee, you think I may have almost made this mistake myself??? Could this post be based on the whew! close one! foundation of experience?) you can be making a mistake that could imperil your finances, your children’s health, your health and your immortal soul…

pray pray pray pray…start a novena to St. Therese the Little Flower…this is not something inconsequential we are talking about here, my friend. We are talking about the Sacrament of Marriage, a covenant with GOD.

 

[spiritblows]

Good questions Courtney,
I really would have to get to know both of these men better. I think they both would benefit from marriage to me. I would be a loving wife, I am devout yet fiesty and full of life. Probably Joe would become more steady in his faith. Also, he’s at an age where he should settle down and quit sowing wild oats. When he and I discussed sexual matters once, he told me that the longest he’s gone without sex is 2 years and he starts to go crazy. So, at least he’s made attempts at celibacy. But, he probably needs to get married to avoid sinning. He’s too passionate of a guy to be celibate.

I think I would be a good wife to Joe because I would not be as demanding as other women. I could give him a lot of leeway in continueing all his activites, such as mountain biking with the guys. I did say to him once that he needed to find a nice young woman and get married and have babies, and he said “no, I tried that once, younger women are not for me”. Because, I probably wouldn’t be providing any children for him at my age. I have 7 children of my own, I don’t want to have any more children.

As far as John, I don’t know about his spiritual attitudes. I know he is a good, decent community person. He is really a decent guy who treats his employees well at his pharmacy. People really like working for him. When my husband and I had a restaurant, he used to be a regular customer and was always a favorite of the waitresses, and a good tipper. He was a pall-bearer at my husband’s funeral, in fact. My husband really thought he was a good guy and was trying to get this one waitress to go out with him. She ended up going for a guy with long hair instead, and marrying him. John is one of those safe types that women aren’t always attracted to. So, John is definately a good and decent man. He has an cute stutter, I really think it’s sweet. He’s really cute when he stutters. He’s very handsome, but overweight. I’d have to spend some time with him to find out more about his philosophy of life. My conversations with him have always been more superficial. With Joe, it seems like we tend to open up more naturally to one another when we talk.

 

[spiritblows]

Dear LSK,
You make some good points. But, life is a risky business, and if I’m too careful I’ll just stay in my little corner of the world and not go anywhere. I can’t wait around for perfection. At my age, I’m not likely going to find the perfect Catholic husband because they’re all married. Good Catholic men are either priests or married usually. How many are available in their 40’s and 50’s? I’ve been really picky until now because my husband was such a dear man, so good, and nobody could compare. Now, I feel more flexible in my thinking. I realize that I could be happy with a man who is less than perfect, as long as he doesn’t watch TV too much, is able to perform sexually, isn’t broke, isn’t a drug or alcohol addict, is nice to my kids, plus at least respects my Catholic faith. And, actually, my husband wasn’t perfect either, but I thought he was perfect for me.

 

[LSK]

spiritblows:

Dear LSK,
You make some good points. But, life is a risky business, and if I’m too careful I’ll just stay in my little corner of the world and not go anywhere. I can’t wait around for perfection. At my age, I’m not likely going to find the perfect Catholic husband because they’re all married. Good Catholic men are either priests or married usually. How many are available in their 40’s and 50’s? I’ve been really picky until now because my husband was such a dear man, so good, and nobody could compare. Now, I feel more flexible in my thinking. I realize that I could be happy with a man who is less than perfect, as long as he doesn’t watch TV too much, is able to perform sexually, isn’t broke, isn’t a drug or alcohol addict, is nice to my kids, plus at least respects my Catholic faith. And, actually, my husband wasn’t perfect either, but I thought he was perfect for me.

I know … I know…but I just don’t want someone with your wonderful spirit to think she shouldn’t be 'too picky"…I want you to be really REALLY picky…because you are a woman of grace and dignity, a daughter of Christ…and you deserve the best.

So there…

 

[Cupofkindness]

Spiritblows:

I also have seven children, and although I’m not a widow, I could not imagine how I would ever find a man like the one I have now. My husband isn’t perfect, but like your deceased husband, mine is such a giving man. I would have to have someone who gave 100% or more, and not just focus on his own hobbies and interests. I think that any man who didn’t give himself completely to a second marriage would ultimately fill me with resentment since I would know how good a marriage could be from the first one.

Who ever you marry will be the step-father of your children. That lasts for as long as your marriage, hopefully, until death. He needs to be more than “nice” to your kids. So while you might be able to compromise on your demands, your children at home, who were so little when your beloved husband died, will not be able to make such a choice, they will naturally want him to be like a father. Whoever you marry will be in a position of great authority and influence over your children. Will Joe be able to put his own pursuits aside and help you raise your children? If you died, would Joe raise them according to your wishes? It sounds like he’s already thought about that option for his life and has chosen to be single because he doesn’t want to be tied down to a family.

It seems like the celebacy that has come with widowhood is a heavy cross for you to carry right now. Let me ask you, if you didn’t have these desires and needs for intimacy, would finding a husband be so important to you?

 

[Island_Oak]

spiritblows:

…life is a risky business, and if I’m too careful I’ll just stay in my little corner of the world and not go anywhere. I can’t wait around for perfection…And, actually, my husband wasn’t perfect either, but I thought he was perfect for me.

Interesting rationalizations…“life is risky”…“nobody’s perfect”… Both true and…equally meaningless.

EVERY human relationship is fraught with risk. You have a responsibility to yourself, your kids, your future financial security and emotional stability to assess whether either of these ‘less than perfect guys’ is a “good risk,” meaning: finding evidence in their past behaviour that demonstrates they have the character to more likely than not to provide the kind of commitment, companionship and partnership that is healthy and fulfilling, not exhausting, draining or destructive. Doing less than this is more like an impulsive 20 year old girl than a responsible, accomplished, mature woman. Don’t toss away the biggest advantage of your age–the wisdom born of almost 50 years of life experience. Maybe one of these guys will fit the bill, but you can’t skip the step of looking at them with a critical eye and thinking about what life will be like with them 5, 10, 15 years from now.

…And if you are thinking that at age 50 you don’t have time to “wait around for perfection,” consider that what you really don’t have time for at this age–the time it will take to disentangle yourself from a poorly considered decision/commitment you grow to regret.

 

[spiritblows]

Dear cupofkindness,
I love your user name, btw. You really seem very kind. No, I would most likely not seek a husband if I didn’t feel a need for sexual intimacy. That is a driving force compelling me to consider a husband. I’m very independent. One thing though is that I like men, so I also like the friendship aspect of marriage. I’m a tomboy and have always gotten along well with men. I like the fact that they are emotionally more simple than women. Also, as my kids get older, they will start pulling away from me, so I would have more emotional energy for a husband.

As far as my kids, I would want to be careful about dating. I haven’t dated these men. My daughters would probably become attached to someone, esp my younger one. All my kids would welcome a man. They are really nice kids. They are used to sharing me since I have so many of them. So, I’m not worried about how they would adjust. Only 2 of them are still minors. I would never enter into anything that would hurt them. I’m sensitive to that because I had a cruel stepfather myself as a child. My parents were very selfish after their divorce, putting my brother and I on the back burner, and it really damaged me. So, I would never do that.