Why do I seem to attract the wrong sort of guy

[Sierrah]

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for years. I’m just looking looking for opinions.

I’m a smart, attractive, outgoing Catholic Lady about 37 years old. I’m pretty independent, I keep myself pretty busy with volunteer work and keep phyically fit, I enjoy (hiking, biking working out). But for some reason I only seem to attractguys who are the…bad boy types (guys who want to play the field or just won’t ever commit.) or they lie or try to get controlling (in an abusive way). This has been the story most of my dating life. I’m a confident person and am upfront with guys where my morals stand (conservative with the catholic church). The last nice guy I went out with couldn’t stand the catholic church…he was an excatholic…I didn’t know this before I went out with him. I just feel like giving up some days (on dating at all). I’m not looking to rush into marriage or anything I’m just looking for a nice guy who likes the catholic church…so many seem to have a gripe against the church it’s really getting to be boring to have that same old conversation.

In any case I’m just confused. I don’t understand why jerks are the only guys I seem to meet up with. I’ve gone to Catholic singles events and church related events just hoping to meet nice people but most of these groups in my area are for the senior crowd.

I try to live a Christ centered life…I’m not perfect and have my issues but so does everyone. I guess I would just like to know what I’m doing wrong so maybe I could correct it.

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t know what could be wrong, but you have my sympathies.

I was always ending up with “bad boys” during my dating years, as well, until I realized that I was dating my father as a young man (he was a “bad boy” in his early years) - once I realized that, I started going out with men who reminded me of my grandfather (hardworking, deeply religious, sober guy) and that worked out much better.

I have no idea how that actually worked, though, other than just making the decision to change who I was attracted to - somehow, and I have no idea how, that also caused a change in the kind of men who were interested in me. It’s also not like I was going after bad boys on purpose - I was just saying “yes” to men who had a similar sense of humour to my Dad’s.

 

[Sierrah]

I try to avoid The Bad boys but sometimes it’s hard. The last one was really good at hiding it. He spent a lot of time lying and pretending to be a christian then all of a sudden out of the blue he attempted to shove me into something and became very abusive revealing that he didn’t like any church and so I dropped him immediately. I guess he got tired of the game and decided to show his true self. Before that he had always been considerate, kind and thoughtful…

I guess I’m just frusterated with the lack of nice guys out there. I try to be upfront and honest so I guess I expect the same treatment.

Note: I’ve prayed about this but don’t seem to get any kind of answer from God

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t think anyone purposely dates bad boys, unless there is something seriously the matter with their self-esteem.

For me, the key to beating it seemed completely unrelated to the problem itself.

Have you tried any kind of counselling?

 

[LSK]

I have a suggestion -
AveMaria Singles.

I did not get anyone interested in me but I am unable to have children. If you are sincere about wanting to have a good, solid Catholic marriage this is a great place to be - and do not despair.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I guess that my question would be, where are you meeting these “bad boys” at? That may be part of it. I met my wife on Ave Maria Single Catholics Online. I guess that is a place to start? It costs a little bit and requires you to answer some questions, but you know that you are headed in the right direction.

Pray to our Mother, she will guide you.

Have you ever felt called to the religious life? Just a thought?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I have a suggestion -
AveMaria Singles.

I did not get anyone interested in me but I am unable to have children. If you are sincere about wanting to have a good, solid Catholic marriage this is a great place to be - and do not despair.

Leslie, you are a right thinking kinda woman!

 

[LSK]

oh pshaw

I also went on to Catholicsingles.com. AveMariaSingles is, in my opinion, a great website for people who are discerning marriage and are able to do the whole thing - marriage, children etc. The men on the site, nice Catholic men, want to be fathers and so I did not take it personally at all that I was not considered ‘a catch’ by any of them. The website I tried next has people on it who are not always looking for marriage - maybe just a pen pal - but it is a good way to meet people and even evangalize a bit.

If you are willing to hang in there, not give up hope and do a lot of praying you will find the someone the Lord has chosen for you. If you do not you will be able to live your life as a wonderful, obedient daughter of the Holy Mother Church.

 

[chevalier]

Welcome to the club. Or rather you should welcome me, as you’ve been around for half again my time. I too always manage to get lied to or cheated on. Two things I hate the most: lie and betrayal. Don’t get me wrong: I’ll forgive a hasty lie quickly straightened out (or any lie whatsoever, but let’s just say my romantic incentives will take a hit), and I’m understanding of the fights people have to fight to stay faithful. Anyway. Can’t say I’ve been looking in the church or its agencies or groups, but I can tell you religious people can make it hard on you as well. Basically, no one is immune to certain things, not even the religious folks who seem to do more charity work in a day than I in my whole life, who seem to pray more truly and whatnot. There’s always the ca-boom element in my life, be it either some news of cheating or lying, or a simple dump. The last girl, God bless her (I mean it), was a truly magnificent person but couldn’t take my Catholic views, my absolutist way of thinking, the idea of bringing children up Catholics “the way you see it” etc. In reality, might have been the distance and/or my lawyerish bickering over minutiae or maybe my occasional jerky moments adding up, but well, all that could have been overcome, so I guess it really comes down to the religious and the philosophical. There’s no god but God and Ratzinger is His prophet, but do I miss the girl.

At any rate, have you perhaps tried taking some of those many, many psychological tests? This one has its faults but it isn’t that bad for a general idea. For example, it calls me religious, intellectual and conservative and tells me I need a practical, conservative and shy girl. I don’t really agree with the shy part, but I think they got the eight characteristics of me extremely right in terms of priorities, and they did a good job with my match as well. So let’s say this quiz may look silly but in my humble opinion it’s surprisingly accurate. There are many more. Of course, it’s not about quizzes, but knowing oneself and what one’s looking for may help. At any rate, it gave me 1. Practical 2. Religious 3. Shy (I’d say modest…)4. Traditional 5. Intellectual 6. Athletic (no biggy, just can’t sit down all the time, but my walking habits tend to be a strain on female company) 7. Funny 8. Adventurous 9. Big-Hearted 10. Stylish… which is probably a rare combination, knowing me, even if I don’t believe in fixed lists of priorities like that. Myself, I got **1. Religious 2. Intellectual ****3. Conservative **4. Outgoing 5. Big-Hearted 6. Adventurous 7. Traditional 8. Wealthy/Ambitious 9. Practical 10. Romantic, which generally screams of almost-contradictions. You’re probably likely to end up with a similarly odd set.

By the way, maybe you have a multi-faceted personality and people need to devote a lot of time, attention and effort to get to know you reasonably well? Most people just prefer run-of-the-mill vanilla folks who are either the basher or the artisan or the sage, in other words, a clear and single archetype. It’s my impression that jacks-of-all-trades are popular but ultimately quite lonely on the personal level. It’s also possible that you’re an attractive person in physical and similar ways, making guys head to you by default without thinking about personality. Same what guys with athletic physiques, fat wallets and/or popularity/authority have to face. Also, the Catholic “thing” is too much to take for most people who are not it. One needs to be either holy enough to make it work without compromising or pushing people away, or “flexible” enough to compromise and, well, make everyone get along. Needless to say, I’m neither of the two, so hello world. Don’t you have the same feeling?

At any rate, I wish you all the best of luck, Sierrah.

Edit: LSK, I wish you the same as well. Perhaps you need a guy who is ready to give up a lot or, firstly, one who will be there for you and not for his concept of marriage and family. It’s a wonderful trait that you don’t take it against them. If there’s anyone who deserves to find a right guy, you do.

 

[jmcrae]

There’s no god but God and Ratzinger is His prophet …

I’m stealing that line - I hope you don’t mind.

At any rate, have you perhaps tried taking some of those many, many psychological tests? This one has its faults but it isn’t that bad for a general idea. For example, it calls me religious, intellectual and conservative and tells me I need a practical, conservative and shy girl. I don’t really agree with the shy part,

This is for her sake; not yours - so that she doesn’t feel bad that you do all the talking.

 

[buzzcut]

With all this political correctness nowadays, the polite and respectful guys are too polite and respectful to even approach women in the first place.

Ergo, only the bad boys are left to do the courting!

 

[chevalier]

I’m stealing that line - I hope you don’t mind.

No, I don’t. Feel free as long as I don’t lose my own rights.

This is for her sake; not yours - so that she doesn’t feel bad that you do all the talking.

Err. Right. Thanks for reminding me that I do. Hey, I have many talents, I don’t need to excel at being concise as well, do I? Seriously, I though it was about being withdrawn and generally not bold. That’s right except I value people who step up for what they believe in. Doesn’t preclude being shy, sure. More like independent thinking and being no one’s mental drone, not even mine, not even the priest/bishop/pope’s (there’s a difference between agreeing on everything and being a drone). Anyway, /me steps off the stolen spotlight

 

[ack]

It’s my impression that jacks-of-all-trades are popular but ultimately quite lonely on the personal level.

Interesting, can you explain what you mean here?

 

[chevalier]

I extrapolated the multifocus of personal life or education into a more general concept involving the whole of personality. I tend to believe that people are relatively good at a number of things but lack a substantial focus don’t have as much what attracts people “that way” and makes them stay. This is just an observation, though, not a substantiated theory, and I may be wrong. Basically, the more diversified your areas of focus are, the less you have in common with people (that is you perhaps share one professional field or hobby with them, but there is still a number you don’t), although certainly the number of people with whom you have something in common grows. You associate with many circles, but you rarely fully integrate into any one group. Legions know you a bit but only a few are your likes.

 

[anamchara]

Hi Sierrah, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, the right man just hasn’t come around yet. You mentioned just quiting dating for a while. I have to tell you I did this same thing when I was single, it’s not that a bunch of guys were asking me out or anything but I just avoided it. I decided to go back to college again and after about a year of studying, I took this theater class and had a great time and through a friend I met in there I met my husband It does seem to happen when you are not looking for it.

You sound very intelligent but you mentioned that you hike and work out? Those are sports that you normally do alone or is there a group you do this with? I was just thinking that maybe you could try something different, get involved with a sport you have an interest in where it’s more of a team sport? Or maybe you could do something more global in the Catholic church, go on a mission trip? I’m not saying missions should be used for pick up opportunies but doing things that interest you and are close to your heart would bring you around others with like minds.

I had a single friend who met her husband overseas in Ireland, a good Catholic man. She went on a trip with a big group from her parish which her priest went as well. Good Catholic men are not just here in the USA.

I hope this helps I’m not an expert.

 

[Norseman82]

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for years. I’m just looking looking for opinions.

I’m a smart, attractive, outgoing Catholic Lady about 37 years old. I’m pretty independent, I keep myself pretty busy with volunteer work and keep phyically fit, I enjoy (hiking, biking working out). But for some reason I only seem to attractguys who are the…bad boy types (guys who want to play the field or just won’t ever commit.) or they lie or try to get controlling (in an abusive way). This has been the story most of my dating life. I’m a confident person and am upfront with guys where my morals stand (conservative with the catholic church). The last nice guy I went out with couldn’t stand the catholic church…he was an excatholic…I didn’t know this before I went out with him. I just feel like giving up some days (on dating at all). I’m not looking to rush into marriage or anything I’m just looking for a nice guy who likes the catholic church…so many seem to have a gripe against the church it’s really getting to be boring to have that same old conversation.

In any case I’m just confused. I don’t understand why jerks are the only guys I seem to meet up with. I’ve gone to Catholic singles events and church related events just hoping to meet nice people but most of these groups in my area are for the senior crowd.

I try to live a Christ centered life…I’m not perfect and have my issues but so does everyone. I guess I would just like to know what I’m doing wrong so maybe I could correct it.

Welcome to one of the many threads regarding the frustrations faced by single Catholics looking for a good Catholic spouse.

As a single male, nothing stands out as a red flag to me. The fact that you are going to Catholic singles events shows that you are placing faith and morals as your priority in a relationship, which is what we need more of.

I think the sad fact is that people are not honest with you all of the time and that is something that is beyond our control most of the time (unless you do background checks on everyone you meet). It is also possible that the “bad boys” see “good girls” as the “ultimate conquest”, so to speak, and I don’t know if being upfront with your values/morals/faith contributes to that or repels it. You are the best judge of that, since I’ve never met you in person or observed any interactions when you first meet a guy.

The only thing I notice is that you are in Missouri. Are you in a rural or urban part? It may just be the demographics of your area may not be friendly to your search for a spouse.

Have you checked out any Catholic young adult activities? Have you talked this over with your parish pastor or associate pastor to see if he knows of any more reputable Catholic singles/young adult groups in your area where there are good Catholic men looking for good Catholic women?

Also, one of the frustrations with “singles ministries” is that many of them (in fact, in my area, I would say most of them) seem more intent on keeping you a “content single” than taking seriously the need for a spouse that most singles have. Additionally, many “singles” groups are not just “singles”, as they ump widowed and divorced people in with them (not necessarily wrong, but there are often different issues faced by the divorced, widowed, and never-marrieds).

I do think that we singles looking for spouses need to assert our needs for spouses more within the church and not stand for being told to “just be a content single” or “just volunteer more”. The church needs to know that this is a problem.

 

[Mannyfit75]

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for years. I’m just looking looking for opinions.

I’m a smart, attractive, outgoing Catholic Lady about 37 years old. I’m pretty independent, I keep myself pretty busy with volunteer work and keep phyically fit, I enjoy (hiking, biking working out). But for some reason I only seem to attractguys who are the…bad boy types (guys who want to play the field or just won’t ever commit.) or they lie or try to get controlling (in an abusive way). This has been the story most of my dating life. I’m a confident person and am upfront with guys where my morals stand (conservative with the catholic church). The last nice guy I went out with couldn’t stand the catholic church…he was an excatholic…I didn’t know this before I went out with him. I just feel like giving up some days (on dating at all). I’m not looking to rush into marriage or anything I’m just looking for a nice guy who likes the catholic church…so many seem to have a gripe against the church it’s really getting to be boring to have that same old conversation.

In any case I’m just confused. I don’t understand why jerks are the only guys I seem to meet up with. I’ve gone to Catholic singles events and church related events just hoping to meet nice people but most of these groups in my area are for the senior crowd.

I try to live a Christ centered life…I’m not perfect and have my issues but so does everyone. I guess I would just like to know what I’m doing wrong so maybe I could correct it.

I’m a 31 yrs old Catholic guy who use to date. I gave up dating, and now considering discernment for the priesthood. Like you I could not find the perfect women (though opposite). Most of the females I’ve been with fearful of the distant and the travelling.

I do have a girlfriend now though I had told her that since I am discerning priesthood. It is very possible that the relationship I have with her will surely come to an end.

Oh, most of the girls I dated were not Catholics, and some were but not practicing. I think my values outweight the relationship.

 

[Norseman82]

I extrapolated the multifocus of personal life or education into a more general concept involving the whole of personality. I tend to believe that people are relatively good at a number of things but lack a substantial focus don’t have as much what attracts people “that way” and makes them stay. This is just an observation, though, not a substantiated theory, and I may be wrong. Basically, the more diversified your areas of focus are, the less you have in common with people (that is you perhaps share one professional field or hobby with them, but there is still a number you don’t), although certainly the number of people with whom you have something in common grows. You associate with many circles, but you rarely fully integrate into any one group. Legions know you a bit but only a few are your likes.

Cześć Chevalier from the heavily Polish NW side of Chicago!

Please take this constructively from one single male to another and not as an insult. I know that you are a university student, but is it possible that one challenge you face is that you may talk over people’s heads? The only reason I say this is that the women you meet may not have the same educational level as you, or if they do their area of focus may not be the same as yours. Trust me, I have a university degree and work in IT and have to deal with tech manuals (although I am of goral descent, but please don’t hold that against me ).

 

[Norseman82]

I do have a girlfriend now though I had told her that since I am discerning priesthood.

Talk about irony!!!

Which came first, she becoming your girlfriend, or you telling her of your discernment?

 

[chevalier]

Cześć Chevalier from the heavily Polish NW side of Chicago!

Please take this constructively from one single male to another and not as an insult. I know that you are a university student, but is it possible that one challenge you face is that you may talk over people’s heads? The only reason I say this is that the women you meet may not have the same educational level as you, or if they do their area of focus may not be the same as yours. Trust me, I have a university degree and work in IT and have to deal with tech manuals (although I am of goral descent, but please don’t hold that against me ).

Witaj, góralu z Chicago.

Yep, that’s possible. People constantly overrate my intellect, but that’s just because I was reading when everyone was kicking the ball or getting some err… experiences. Yes, experiences. As a result, I’m a law student (my only formal education) who’s taught English and Latin, been a computer junkie for most of my life (I dig PHP, code things, some other stuff)… back in the time I took and passed exams for classics, archaelogy and English apart from law, so you get the picture. Enough to strike a conversation with anybody, not enough to keep anybody around and neither to keep me fully involved with any group or circle. Especially if you add the Catholic “thing”. But I repeat I’m no titan of intellect and I don’t have a stellar inteligence. Plus, I’m unduly hard on people who prefer not to make their own opinion but follow friends’, parents’ or general public’s (aka "I want to hear your opinion). I’ve already been told I look like a priest.