Why do I seem to attract the wrong sort of guy

[homewardangel]

The only think that I can tell you is not to feel like the Lone Ranger. This is the absolutely most troubling part of my life right now. I don’t know why God blesses so many people with someone to love and then it seems that He just leaves so many out in the cold. It’s very painful.

What is also frustrating is when people say “pray about it” - does that mean that people who are married have prayed more than I have? I doubt it - there are many married people who NEVER pray. For the record I have prayed more in the last 6 years of my life than I have ever prayed - I go to the adoration chapel every week…I have tried giving God a list of what I want…I have prayed just to let me do His will…I have prayed asking God to just take the pain and lonliness out of my heart if His will isn’t for me to be married… I have tried everything.

Plus remember there is a big idea that if you don’t go for what you want you will never have it - so if we just forget about marriage will we ever find someone??

I have never had luck with the dating sites. I have tried Catholic Singles and Ave Maria - I know that is mainly because I live so far out in the middle of nowhere. If i lived in the city I would probably find some dates off those sites.

Right now my best friend is married to someone else - don’t go dragging this into the dirt…because they are the only person that I have to talk to who won’t try to fix whats broken in me (like anyone knows whats broken anyway) This is the type of person that I would LOVE to find as a single person…but I have realized that if they were single we wouldn’t have our discussions anyway…he probably wouldn’t be attracted to these type of discussions…because single guys just want one thing. I know thats a stereo type, but my experience it has been true. A single man wouldn’t want to talk about adoration - he would want to go hunt down a roll in the hay…I feel like I am a prude and single men want a girl that will be “fun”. Its very frustrating.

I suppose that if God has someone for me he will show up - but I really, really get tired of waiting

 

[Sierrah]

The only think that I can tell you is not to feel like the Lone Ranger. This is the absolutely most troubling part of my life right now. I don’t know why God blesses so many people with someone to love and then it seems that He just leaves so many out in the cold. It’s very painful.

What is also frustrating is when people say “pray about it” - does that mean that people who are married have prayed more than I have? I doubt it - there are many married people who NEVER pray. For the record I have prayed more in the last 6 years of my life than I have ever prayed - I go to the adoration chapel every week…I have tried giving God a list of what I want…I have prayed just to let me do His will…I have prayed asking God to just take the pain and lonliness out of my heart if His will isn’t for me to be married… I have tried everything.

Plus remember there is a big idea that if you don’t go for what you want you will never have it - so if we just forget about marriage will we ever find someone??

I have never had luck with the dating sites. I have tried Catholic Singles and Ave Maria - I know that is mainly because I live so far out in the middle of nowhere. If i lived in the city I would probably find some dates off those sites.

Right now my best friend is married to someone else - don’t go dragging this into the dirt…because they are the only person that I have to talk to who won’t try to fix whats broken in me (like anyone knows whats broken anyway) This is the type of person that I would LOVE to find as a single person…but I have realized that if they were single we wouldn’t have our discussions anyway…he probably wouldn’t be attracted to these type of discussions…because single guys just want one thing. I know thats a stereo type, but my experience it has been true. A single man wouldn’t want to talk about adoration - he would want to go hunt down a roll in the hay…I feel like I am a prude and single men want a girl that will be “fun”. Its very frustrating.

I suppose that if God has someone for me he will show up - but I really, really get tired of waiting

While is nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way it only makes me sorry for the good guys who can’t seem the find us. The only good guys I seem to find won’t commit to anything more then a few dates. The bad boys will put in the effort then vanish when they don’t get what they want. It’s sort of a darned if you do darned if you don’t kind of thing.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t know about self esteem. I think mine is in pretty good shape. Part of the problem is I find confindence very attractive and bad boys tend to be very confident. Where as sometimes the nicer guys may not come off as outgoing. This is just my humble opinion.

Ah, lo and behold, therein might lie the key. Nice guys might come off as insecure because they afraid to hurt you. Additionally, I believe nice guys have faced a lot more rejections than bad boys - imagine how it works. Addtionally again, nice guys are more inclined to value your opinion and your freedom, therefore they will probably be less decisive. This doesn’t mean that there are no confident, caring and responsible men, but there is confidence and confidence.

 

[chevalier]

but I have realized that if they were single we wouldn’t have our discussions anyway…he probably wouldn’t be attracted to these type of discussions…because single guys just want one thing. I know thats a stereo type, but my experience it has been true. A single man wouldn’t want to talk about adoration - he would want to go hunt down a roll in the hay…I feel like I am a prude and single men want a girl that will be “fun”. Its very frustrating.

Not really, but I understand how you must feel. Let me just tell you I think I would almost die of a heart attack if I were able to take a girl to adoration and there would be no choice between that and a party or cinema or whatever. This is something I pray for. Especially for that one who will end up with me (unless God wants to make me a padre, but I don’t think so). But they exist. The momented I vented my frustrations under the cross in the churchyard, one passed me by. Hehe. I’ve been to a large mass today and there was a great number of Catholic girls (praised be the Lord, maybe some are single… not like I wish them that, but I wouldn’t mind one being available and more or less compatible, really). Conversely, there must surely have been a lot of single Catholic men. If they make the effort to go to church away from their place of living on a weekday (recollections or whatever is the word), I doubt they are focused on the rolling that much if at all. I know it’s going to be awfully hard moving on from acknowledging their existence to actually finding one for you (or me) is going to be awfully hard, but… Err… wait. Assumption alert. Let’s just say it doesn’t necessarily have to be hard, but it’s not a given.

While is nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way it only makes me sorry for the good guys who can’t seem the find us.

Thank you. The very same to you.

 

[Grace_Angel]

I don’t know about self esteem. I think mine is in pretty good shape. Part of the problem is I find confindence very attractive and bad boys tend to be very confident. Where as sometimes the nicer guys may not come off as outgoing. This is just my humble opinion.

Hello Sierrah,
Is it confidence you find attractive or brashness? There is a huge difference.
GraceAngel.

 

[Gamera]

… I don’t know why God blesses so many people with someone to love and then it seems that He just leaves so many out in the cold. It’s very painful.

Don’t look at us happy couples and assume that our lives always were this way. Someone might see my wife and I together, very happy and in love, and feel jealous, without realizing that we didn’t even meet until we were 36. Before that, we each spent plenty of lonely and dateless nights in our lives, and felt like we were the ones being left “out in the cold.” We each were convinced we’d never find a mate. God did give us each other, but on His schedule, not ours.

 

[chevalier]

Thanks for the tale, Gamera. And excuse my interruption.

 

[Gamera]

Thanks for the tale, Gamera. And excuse my interruption.

?

 

[chevalier]

To be more elaborate, thanks for sharing the fact you found you and your wife didn’t even meet until you were 36 but you did actually meet her and are happy now. Kind of a sign of hope.

 

[barbfromtucson]

Have you ever felt called to the religious life? Just a thought?

This is one of my biggest pet peeves that if you’re single–that you must be called to Religious Life and it bothers me that you would ask this in response to the OP’s dilemma.

I’m 35 and still single. I haven’t dated at all. I, for some time, tried to start dating, using avemaria.com and some other similar sites, but I get no responses. Probably because I have absolutely no desire to have kids.

But I have developed this attitude where I’m not going to sit around and ‘wallow’ about being single. I work full-time, am active in a couple of different church groups, have my fun, ‘social’ outings with friends, and come home to my four ‘kids’ (the four-legged kind that go “meow”).

My mom didn’t meet my dad until she was 40. I know others who met their ‘true loves’ later in life so if you have a strong desire to get married, just be open to it. Stay involved in your church groups, volunteer activities, and so on, and when the right individual turns up, you’ll know (as my married friends have advised me).

I had a good friend who’s first dates/boyfriends turned about to be real jerks (putting it nicely), but when she met Dave (her husband now), she was thankful for those previous men in her life, because they gave her many ‘life lessons’ and when she found Dave, she saw all the qualities that she was looking for, which may have been missed/overlooked had she not had her previous experiences.

God Bless,

Barbara

 

[chevalier]

Barbara, meaning no disrespected whatsoever, do you remember that the wedding vow includes acceptance of whatever offspring God sends? Since exclusion of progeny makes marriage invalid - and in the face of such a fact Canon 1066 forbids the celebration of marriage, maybe God doesn’t want to force you to have children if you don’t want any, but will not have you date if you aren’t ready to accept the idea of having children?

 

[Norseman82]

Now you’ve gotten me confused. This post makes me think that catholicsingles was right all along and that you are indeed attracted to “bad boys”:

Part of the problem is I find confindence very attractive and bad boys tend to be very confident. Where as sometimes the nicer guys may not come off as outgoing. This is just my humble opinion.

And I was going to suggest that you just give one of the non-outgoing boys a chance, until I read that nobody is ready to commit:

While is nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way it only makes me sorry for the good guys who can’t seem the find us. The only good guys I seem to find won’t commit to anything more then a few dates. The bad boys will put in the effort then vanish when they don’t get what they want.

Do any of the “good guys” then complain that they can’t find anyone? The reason I ask is that if they do, maybe you need to just bluntly state “Hey, I’m giving you a chance…” .

I honestly think we singles have to put our foot down and start asserting ourselves and say that we’re sick and tired of being jerked around. A revolt of the “40-year old virgin” crowd might be long overdue.

 

[jmcrae]

I, for some time, tried to start dating, using avemaria.com and some other similar sites, but I get no responses. Probably because I have absolutely no desire to have kids.

That right there could be why you aren’t attracting any good Catholic men, because of the marriage vow to be open to as many children as God will send.

 

[dulcissima]

Sierrah, well, I will at least say congratulations on not getting too involved with the wrong sort. I think a short relationship with such guys is better than a really bad marriage. Just wondering though, did you take the quiz that was part of the article that Gamera had posted? After doing that, I could see that one of my big problems might be with liking excitement and a challenge. Do you see any qualities that you are drawn to that maybe you should reevaluate or possibly any clue as to types of guys that you might be overlooking that perhaps you should consider??

 

[barbfromtucson]

Hi all, particularly chevalier and jmcrae–

That right there could be why you aren’t attracting any good Catholic men, because of the marriage vow to be open to as many children as God will send.

I don’t have a strong desire to have children because of an abusive childhood past–but I also have a medical condition (I won’t go into details here) that won’t allow me to have children, even if I wanted them.

I would imagine bringing up a medical reason as to why I can’t have children would not be on the top 10 of things to discuss on a first date/early in relationship. But I don’t want to date a guy who strongly desires children because I won’t be able to have them, and don’t want to disappoint or to have guy leave me when we’re ‘well into’ a relationship and then finds out.

–Barbara

 

[Mannyfit75]

Talk about irony!!!

Which came first, she becoming your girlfriend, or you telling her of your discernment?

The Girlfriend came first. This is a discernment. Second, my relationship with her is completely celibate. I like to make it clear that I put God above everyone else. I was in a relationship before the discernment and this relationship has not involve anything intimate in a physical level.

She knows that when I do enter the seminary, the relationship will end and be strictly friendship.

Yes, I told her and she is supportative. She also know the consequence if God will allows me to be a priest.

 

[Cross-checking]

I don’t have a strong desire to have children because of an abusive childhood past–but I also have a medical condition (I won’t go into details here) that won’t allow me to have children, even if I wanted them.

I would imagine bringing up a medical reason as to why I can’t have children would not be on the top 10 of things to discuss on a first date/early in relationship. But I don’t want to date a guy who strongly desires children because I won’t be able to have them, and don’t want to disappoint or to have guy leave me when we’re ‘well into’ a relationship and then finds out.
-Barbara

I think this is a very import thing to bring up on a first date; and I would put it in the top 10, probably the top 5. Why would you want to get into a relationship with someone in hopes of getting married only to find out later that you can’t because that particular point is a necessity for the other person?

I think people often hold back information early in a relationship that they fear will keep them from having the relationship in hopes that “if the person just gets to know me it will be ok or it won’t matter”. But in the end, once the point of contention is revealed, it is more difficult to end the relationship and then we try to “change” the other person. Or the other person will try to change us, either of which will also ultimately end the relationship; and sometimes it doesn’t end until after marriage.

So I believe we need to let things like this be known from the beginning. Why would you want to set yourself up for a painful breakup later when you can figure out the inevitable in the beginning? Would you be willing to marry a man that had children already? If not, wouldn’t you want to know that he had kids right up front? Finding someone that can accept you just as you are and you doing the same in return is essential

 

[chevalier]

I think people often hold back information early in a relationship that they fear will keep them from having the relationship in hopes that “if the person just gets to know me it will be ok or it won’t matter”. But in the end, once the point of contention is revealed, it is more difficult to end the relationship and then we try to “change” the other person. Or the other person will try to change us, either of which will also ultimately end the relationship; and sometimes it doesn’t end until after marriage.

/me signs with both hands and legs

I prefer to say too much rather than too little. I’m seriously considering wearing a visible religious symbol and letting a rosary peek out, plus stepping into a church at first opportunity… Maybe other things. And to mention I totally agree with the Church’s teaching on morality in all aspects at first opportunity.

But to go back to barbfromtucson, yes, it’s a sound idea to bring it up early. The inability to have children doesn’t make marriage invalid at all, unless fertility is specifically intended by the other nupturient. However, exclusion of offspring (and who knows if you won’t be healed one day?) does. Additionally, in case when it seems that the validity of marriage is doubtful, celebration is forbidden under Canon 1066. Dating without intent to marry… it’s painful for me to say, extremely painful in your situation, but I believe it’s not right. If you want to know if actual physical inability to have children deals away with the problem of whether you want any or not, you will need to ask a real canon lawyer. I’m just a civil law student after a canon law course, I don’t have all answers.

 

[barbfromtucson]

Hi all, especially cross-checking and chevalier,

I guess what I meant to say is this…when you go to the singles sites–live Ave Maria and CatholicSingles, and you’re filling out the part for children–you’re given different choices to select–from Want children to undecided to Don’t Want. They do NOT have an option of “unable to have children”–so that’s why I put “Don’t Want” on these online questionnaires, because that’s the closest to the truth in my mind on how to fill these forms out.

Also, since I haven’t really dated, the situation hasn’t really come up for me in ‘real life’. I have friends who’ve set me up on ‘blind dates’ but I don’t really want to go into all personal details on a first blind date.

Take Care,

Barbara

 

[Sierrah]

Sierrah, well, I will at least say congratulations on not getting too involved with the wrong sort. I think a short relationship with such guys is better than a really bad marriage. Just wondering though, did you take the quiz that was part of the article that Gamera had posted? After doing that, I could see that one of my big problems might be with liking excitement and a challenge. Do you see any qualities that you are drawn to that maybe you should reevaluate or possibly any clue as to types of guys that you might be overlooking that perhaps you should consider??

I like excitment to a point. A challenge…no not really. I’m a big believer in better single and happy then married and miserable.

The worst of it is there’s guy who I do like but he’s divorced. It took him several years to make move…(.I didn’t know he was divorced till after he saw my profile on match and sent me an email. Sometimes being Catholic is really hard… But I’m thinking since I really like him he’s probably a bad boy anyway. That’s always been my luck. He’s not even particularly cute anything…oh well back to the races

Maybe it just comes down to opposites attract.