Why do I seem to attract the wrong sort of guy

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Just food for thought, but maybe you find ‘bad boys’ interesting, because you want to help them…or change them…help them to be better…and lead better lives. I used to be like that before my husband, and all it really left me with, was exhaustion, and sadness. Just something to think about.🙂
 
I’ve heard the “all guys I date end up bad boys” distress from my sisters and friends a lot. What it really boiled down to with them was their misperceptions about masculinity. Stereotypical “bad boys,” even the ones putting on a good front about being more decent than they actually are, tend to portray more strengh than more caring men. Their lack of concern for others prevents them from appearing weakened or broken at the pain or criticism of others, especially the woman they are with. So they appear stronger and more confident than more decent men, who genuinely ache for those they care most about.

There is a flip side. I know many men who have been involved with women who couldn’t care less about them. However, their appearance, mannerisms, and the way they carry themselves portray more femininity than other more decent women. Therefore, men are unwittingly drawn to their percieved femininity, and overlook their more selfish and unrespectable qualities. Just as perceived masculinity tends to overshadow some porr qualities of some men.

I can sympathize. For years, women I genuinely cared about were more drawn to men who cared less, whereas women I kept off balance because I didn’t care much for them were readily available, disregarding men who cared more for them in favor of me. (Shamefully, I was promiscuous during college in my pre-christ years.) It all boils down to the fact that perception is more powerful than reality at times–that’s why men often benefit when their lack of concern is mistaken for strengh, and suffer when their concern is mistaken for weakness. (and like I said, many men make similar mistakes when judging women.)

Best advice I give is look really hard at what truly attracts you to men, don’t disregard some men too quickly, and don’t have too much patience with men who do not show genuine caring for others.

God bless.
 
Sierrah said:
This is a question I’ve been asking myself for years. I’m just looking looking for opinions.

I’m a smart, attractive, outgoing Catholic Lady about 37 years old. I’m pretty independent, I keep myself pretty busy with volunteer work and keep phyically fit, I enjoy (hiking, biking working out). But for some reason I only seem to attractguys who are the…bad boy types (guys who want to play the field or just won’t ever commit.) or they lie or try to get controlling (in an abusive way). This has been the story most of my dating life. I’m a confident person and am upfront with guys where my morals stand (conservative with the catholic church). The last nice guy I went out with couldn’t stand the catholic church…he was an excatholic…I didn’t know this before I went out with him. :mad: I just feel like giving up some days (on dating at all). I’m not looking to rush into marriage or anything I’m just looking for a nice guy who likes the catholic church…so many seem to have a gripe against the church it’s really getting to be boring to have that same old conversation.

In any case I’m just confused. I don’t understand why jerks are the only guys I seem to meet up with. I’ve gone to Catholic singles events and church related events just hoping to meet nice people but most of these groups in my area are for the senior crowd.

I try to live a Christ centered life…I’m not perfect and have my issues but so does everyone. I guess I would just like to know what I’m doing wrong so maybe I could correct it.
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Perhaps you should spend less time hiking, biking and working out and more time praying.
 
Other_Eric said:
Perhaps you should spend less time hiking, biking and working out and more time praying.
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I pray all the time. Several times a day at least…even at work when things are slow. Praying is not the problem…the lack of good Catholic guys out there is :cool:
 
Sierrah said:
I pray all the time. Several times a day at least…even at work when things are slow. Praying is not the problem…the lack of good Catholic guys out there is :cool:
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Since any problem that our own small minds can conceive of, such as the supposed lack of good, Catholic guys, is not out of the realm of God’s divine providence, I would repeat my suggestion to pray more. Irrespective of how much one believes oneself to be praying already it is never impossible to put aside temporal pleasures in order to pray more. An hour spent at the gym can nicely be converted into an hour on one’s knees. This adds the virtue of self-denial to one’s prayer life and is likely to be pleasing to God.

To eschew more prayer in favor of some other solution is to seek a solution to the problem without God. Therein lies the danger of pride. Even if the world were entirely populated by men unsuitable for Catholic marriage, save for one, this obstacle would mean nothing next to the power of God accessed through prayer. I therefore maintain that in whatever problem you can conceive, its true genesis can be found in the lack of adequate prayer.
 
Other_Eric said:
Even if the world were entirely populated by men unsuitable for Catholic marriage, save for one, this obstacle would mean nothing next to the power of God accessed through prayer. I therefore maintain that in whatever problem you can conceive, its true genesis can be found in the lack of adequate prayer.
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You can remove “save for one” and it will still hold true. However, I’m not so quick to agree that all the problems come down to lack of prayer. I’ve heard that prayer only works if everything humanly possible is done first. I disagree in no way with your advice to pray more, but I just can’t see the genesis of the problem in lack of proper prayer so readily. Would you please be so kind as to elaborate a bit?
 
Other_Eric said:
Since any problem that our own small minds can conceive of, such as the supposed lack of good, Catholic guys, is not out of the realm of God’s divine providence, I would repeat my suggestion to pray more. Irrespective of how much one believes oneself to be praying already it is never impossible to put aside temporal pleasures in order to pray more. An hour spent at the gym can nicely be converted into an hour on one’s knees. This adds the virtue of self-denial to one’s prayer life and is likely to be pleasing to God.

To eschew more prayer in favor of some other solution is to seek a solution to the problem without God. Therein lies the danger of pride. Even if the world were entirely populated by men unsuitable for Catholic marriage, save for one, this obstacle would mean nothing next to the power of God accessed through prayer. I therefore maintain that in whatever problem you can conceive, its true genesis can be found in the lack of adequate prayer.
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I apologise Sierrah for Eric’s shortcomings. Perhaps he is unaware that even exercising can be prayer. Eric, like so many other catholics, think that prayer is just vocal prayer. Oh how wrong they could be. Every morning when I say my Morning Offering I offer ALL my actions as a prayer.

If I may I would like to suggest a few small points to your dilemma. Consider that since you are an attractive self confident person that is reason alone for “bad guys” to notice you. The next time a guy approaches you, don’t be too upfront with him about your standards. Let him state his and perhaps you can weed out the undesirables.

The advice about Ave Maria singles is good too. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Our Bishop told a good story about prayer last night.

Seems a faithful Catholic blind lady was being told by her friends that, if only she prayed enough, God would cause her to be able to see again. She cme home crying in frustration about this to her husband (also a wise and holy man) and said to him, “I know that God has His own reasons for allowing me to be blind. I also know that I pray every day, probably more than my friends who are sighted. What can I say to them, to get them to lay off.”

Her husband said, “You always carry your white cane with you when you go to be with these friends, right?”

She replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” he said, “Here’s what you do. Next time one of them tells you that you obviously aren’t praying enough because you are still blind, whack her good and hard across the shins with your cane. Then tell her that she obviously isn’t praying enough, or else that should not have hurt.” 😛

(The Bishop did not say whether she followed her husband’s advice, or not.)
 
When you pray about finding somebody are you specific in your prayers do you say. God please bless me with a good catholic man, who goes to church, who is serious about his religion, who must be kind, gentle, loving and caring, must except me for who I am and I will except him for who he is and what he is.

When somebody told me that when I pray I have to be specific in what I want. I thought this person was been silly. But I tried it and I find that it works for me and my prayers get answered. I have been going through a tough time right now because after 12 years of marriage and two children my husband left me for a 19 year old. I prayed everyday for God to help me forgive this man and the girl for what happened. And I prayed that I would get over what happened. I was specific about everything and slowly but surely I got the answers.

One day I was so angry I asked God why did this happen to me why did my husband leave me and now I am all alone. I got my answers and I was very surprised about the answer I got.

When you pray about something you have to be specific. And maybe it is just not time for you to find somebody right now. I know that you feel lonely and frustrated and that you feel that you do not want to be alone for the rest of your life. And you know something leave it in Gods hands if you are meant to meet that special person you will. Don’t go looking for it let it come to you.

You are not attracting the wrong guys it just so happens that they do not meet your expectations. But take it as a lesson and that you have learnt something. You have good morals and beliefs and you need to meet somebody that shares those same interests.

But hang in there Mr Right will go but in Gods time not yours.
 
childofmary1143 said:
If I may I would like to suggest a few small points to your dilemma. Consider that since you are an attractive self confident person that is reason alone for “bad guys” to notice you. The next time a guy approaches you, don’t be too upfront with him about your standards. Let him state his and perhaps you can weed out the undesirables.

.
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I actually never thought of it like that but you may be right and I specially like what you said about letting the guy state his standards first…maybe I’m just too honest too soon
 
Sierrah said:
I actually never thought of it like that but you may be right and I specially like what you said about letting the guy state his standards first…maybe I’m just too honest too soon
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Glad I can help:)
 
As a word of caution, certain things in the Catholic moral theology will put people off and if you only late mention such things, you may have a dire break-up coming. Things like wanting children or not, discovering the person is divorced etc. Even if they know you’re Catholic, some people just assume you make an exception for premarital sex and/or birth control and/or abortion in case of rape, among other things.
 
childofmary1143 said:
If I may I would like to suggest a few small points to your dilemma. Consider that since you are an attractive self confident person that is reason alone for “bad guys” to notice you. The next time a guy approaches you, don’t be too upfront with him about your standards. Let him state his and perhaps you can weed out the undesirables.
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Sierrah said:
I actually never thought of it like that but you may be right and I specially like what you said about letting the guy state his standards first…maybe I’m just too honest too soon
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I think this is a very important point; let (or even require) the guy to state his motives, morals, standards etc first.

Here is my :twocents: . I am still recovering and struggling from a rather shameful dating past but have learned a lot from it. I have found that women generally tell about their feelings, desires, standards, morals, etc long before guys do. Because of this, I know a lot of guys will initially “conform” or appear to be what a woman says that she wants so that they can win her over. Some do this intentionally, specifically for a short term fling; others do it unintentionally. This “conforming” however is short term, generally a few months (much shorter if his intentions are short term) but can continue for a year and sometimes a little longer. For the unintentional group (which I was part of), I think the conforming is to ensure being able to date her and appear as a better choice among other guys trying to date her. I think this is often hormone driven and, more importantly, a lack of the guy knowing specifically what he “really” wants and is important to him in a relationship. So, by having the man tell you his intentions first, you’ll have a better idea if he really knows what he wants and if his actions are his own.

When I date now, I let the woman know on the first date that I don’t date just for fun. That my intention is to find someone that I can marry but that I’m not rushing to get married. I think dating needs to be for one to two years before getting engaged. I let her know that I am Catholic and other values I have including kids and political views. After I have told her some of my intentions, desires and expectations, then I ask for hers.

Some people say not to discuss these things on the first date but I think these are very important to know from the beginning. If a guy can’t, or won’t, state his stance on these things initially he probably either doesn’t know what he really wants or he’s hiding something. If he quickly changes an opinion after you tell him one of your values that is contrary to his; he will probably conform to you, for a while. Don’t worry about being too open or honest about yourself; just make sure he does his fair share first.

I have seen women do the conforming thing too. So it is a struggle for men as well as women. Hope this helps. And, keep praying, it is still the most important thing you can do. 👍
 
prayer while looking is the best way to go, so keep it up…however you need to realize its not just that you attract bad boys but rather you are attracted to them too…!

if you can own up to that you’ll be able to make better decisions that will lead you to better relationships. so go out there and look instead of waiting for the bad boys to come around…good luck!
 
catholicsingles said:
…however you need to realize its not just that you attract bad boys but rather you are attracted to them too…!

if you can own up to that you’ll be able to make better decisions that will lead you to better relationships.
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How did you come up with that analysis? She stated that she goes to Catholic singles events and that that the “bad boys” hide it and lie. What can she do other than hiring private investigators to do background checks? Is she supposed to be a human lie detector?

Please back up your accusation with hard, concrete evidence.
 
Norseman82 said:
How did you come up with that analysis? She stated that she goes to Catholic singles events and that that the “bad boys” hide it and lie. What can she do other than hiring private investigators to do background checks? Is she supposed to be a human lie detector?

Please back up your accusation with hard, concrete evidence.
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Actually, I believe it might not have been an accusation but something more similar to diagnosis. Attraction, dating etc is a mutual affair and it isn’t that hard to see that someone could be attracted to the wrong sort of qualities that people have. For example, some attractive traits may be bundled with definitely unwelcome traits. Think about women typically being attracted to overbearing, aggressive men who are thought to be able to defend the household well (I’m guessing a biological thing here), but they also tend to beat the wife. Suave types get a lot of attraction, while there’s always the problem of them lying, cheating, seducing younger women and whatnot. It’s not as much about being attracted to bad boys specifically as about being consistent in getting attracted to men who all happen to have been bad boys, if there is a pattern. I would start from finding what it is that they have had in common with each other. It’s no accusation and no insult. It’s not morally wrong to be attracted to bad types. 😉 Personally, I’ve been weeding out what might have been attracting me in “bad girls” with mixed results, but I’ve only been able to come to the conclusion that I simply need an honest Catholic in good faith and without mental issues plus what’s needed for mutual attraction. I can assure you I’ve found in myself quite a number of “interesting” irrational yearnings I’m better without. 😉 For example, I had been studying the canons for mixed marriages for way too long before realising that nothing beats simply staying home. I think I used to be largely attracted to neurotic smokers and I’ve noticed that my matches as provided by anything remotely algorithmic tend to look as if we shared some gene pool quite closely. Things like this are potential troublemakers.

Hmm… So, Sierrah, maybe it’s something they all have done or said? Some trait they have all had? I also recommend reading a bit about liars, lying and the associated body language (from respectable authors preferably), and generally about the psychological aspects of communication and unverbal communication. It’s quite fitting a hobby for an intelligent and sociable Catholic lady, no doubt. It’s really not that hard to spot a liar of confabulator, although genuine hypocrites might be harder to detect - not like they won’t trip on their own logic without any body language needed to show that they are simply not being consistent. Perhaps going through a university-level formal logic handbook on a really boring evening won’t hurt for that. Incidentally, signs of attraction aren’t that hard to get, either, even if they aren’t so obvious before you think of it. Also might be useful to know how to tell such things. It’s certainly more useful for men than for women, but… 😉 Let’s say someone’s behaviour betrays he’s heavily under your charm, as well as grossly confabulating. Without judging the poor sod, do you really want it to continue romantically? 😉
 
Norseman82 said:
How did you come up with that analysis? She stated that she goes to Catholic singles events and that that the “bad boys” hide it and lie. What can she do other than hiring private investigators to do background checks? Is she supposed to be a human lie detector?

.
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Well if I felt the need to have them investigated I probably wouldn’t be dating them in the first place though I do google search people that I date for my own protection. I also assume they do the same or would have no problem with it if they did. My X by the way was a Master Genius at lying. I saw a few very small red flags but he seemed so nice and thoughtful he fooled me into fobbing them off as incidental.
 
Thank you everyone for your comments. Your opinions have opened my eyes to some things I need to think about and other things I would never have considered .

👍

God Bless

Seirrah
 
Good luck, Sierrah. I’ll pray for you to find the right one. Do let us know when it happens. 😉
 
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