Why I reject Jesus

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uglygal

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I reject Jesus – I do not believe in him. Do I intellectually acknowledge he exists … yes. But do I believe in him … no.
These are my reasons;
  1. I was a catholic for some 24 years – they were the emptiest, most miserable years of my life. Jesus was always far away, he was never there
  2. To pray to Jesus and be heard, a massive amount of hurdles had to be jumped … pray properly, kneel properly, go to adoration, go to communion properly – and of course you never did these things properly because you are inherently bad / wrong before Jesus and you are dead to him in sin
  3. All the novenas I ever prayed, never worked – Mary, Jesus and the Saints are deaf (and of course whenever I would say that to someone, they would turn around and say “I don’t know what you are talking about?” or “they always hear me, they don’t listen to you? Too bad”, shrug and who cares, or “you mustn’t be praying properly”, or “you might need to pray more” etc etc)
  4. The gates of hell are always open – wide and open just waiting for you to slip up, whist heaven is always closed
  5. The Eucharist is empty – I haven’t said this publicly before, but here I’ll say it – there is nothing there! There is no one and nothing there in the tabernacle. It is empty.
  6. Jesus is a betrayer – he abandons you in your darkest hour and pretends you don’t exist and he can’t hear you because he is “testing you to see how much you love him”. In your darkest hour he performs his “loving” disappearing act
  7. He provides false hope – “I am with you until the end of time” but I can’t stand you and abandon you in the darkest hour, “I came to give you life and life to the full” but the sorrow and injustice you suffer is MY doing, it is a cross I have specifically given to you to torment you with to test how much you love me
  8. Those who are holy and special to Him are the vilest people I have ever known
  9. He talks about love but these words are empty. The only reason I told him i love him at church was because if I didn’t I would automatically go to hell – his every command and every “kind” gesture must be paid for with human misery and damnation
  10. Jesus is never on your side - he will side with anyone against you, he will choose anyone over you, he will seize any reason to leave you … and say he loves you while he does it
These are the core reasons, as you can see they are not so much theological “bible quote” reasons but reasons of experience. If anyone chooses to respond, I must admit Bible quotes mean nothing to me because the Bible speaks nice words that i believe are empty. Words are nice and all, but actions speak louder. Part of the reason I trusted in Jesus so much was those nice words, which I see now are empty.
Perhaps no one can really help me, since in my experience that first thing that will probably cross a Christians mind is whether I am possessed, or oppressed by demons or involved in the occult, or in one way or another bad and wrong before Jesus who can do no wrong.
How do you explain this Jesus I have experienced? He is not consistent with the Jesus others describe here … why the difference? How do you justify how Jesus treated me or am I (as always) completely to blame and bad and wrong?
 
uglygal said:
I reject Jesus – I do not believe in him. Do I intellectually acknowledge he exists … yes. But do I believe in him … no.
These are my reasons;
  1. I was a catholic for some 24 years – they were the emptiest, most miserable years of my life. Jesus was always far away, he was never there
  2. To pray to Jesus and be heard, a massive amount of hurdles had to be jumped … pray properly, kneel properly, go to adoration, go to communion properly – and of course you never did these things properly because you are inherently bad / wrong before Jesus and you are dead to him in sin
  3. All the novenas I ever prayed, never worked – Mary, Jesus and the Saints are deaf (and of course whenever I would say that to someone, they would turn around and say “I don’t know what you are talking about?” or “they always hear me, they don’t listen to you? Too bad”, shrug and who cares, or “you mustn’t be praying properly”, or “you might need to pray more” etc etc)
  4. The gates of hell are always open – wide and open just waiting for you to slip up, whist heaven is always closed
  5. The Eucharist is empty – I haven’t said this publicly before, but here I’ll say it – there is nothing there! There is no one and nothing there in the tabernacle. It is empty.
  6. Jesus is a betrayer – he abandons you in your darkest hour and pretends you don’t exist and he can’t hear you because he is “testing you to see how much you love him”. In your darkest hour he performs his “loving” disappearing act
  7. He provides false hope – “I am with you until the end of time” but I can’t stand you and abandon you in the darkest hour, “I came to give you life and life to the full” but the sorrow and injustice you suffer is MY doing, it is a cross I have specifically given to you to torment you with to test how much you love me
  8. Those who are holy and special to Him are the vilest people I have ever known
  9. He talks about love but these words are empty. The only reason I told him i love him at church was because if I didn’t I would automatically go to hell – his every command and every “kind” gesture must be paid for with human misery and damnation
  10. Jesus is never on your side - he will side with anyone against you, he will choose anyone over you, he will seize any reason to leave you … and say he loves you while he does it
These are the core reasons, as you can see they are not so much theological “bible quote” reasons but reasons of experience. If anyone chooses to respond, I must admit Bible quotes mean nothing to me because the Bible speaks nice words that i believe are empty. Words are nice and all, but actions speak louder. Part of the reason I trusted in Jesus so much was those nice words, which I see now are empty.
Perhaps no one can really help me, since in my experience that first thing that will probably cross a Christians mind is whether I am possessed, or oppressed by demons or involved in the occult, or in one way or another bad and wrong before Jesus who can do no wrong.
How do you explain this Jesus I have experienced? He is not consistent with the Jesus others describe here … why the difference? How do you justify how Jesus treated me or am I (as always) completely to blame and bad and wrong?
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my heart breaks for you. I will pray for you.
 
Jesus loves everyone equally. Nobody is more special to Him than another. Jesus loves all, and everybody is a sinner.

I think it is good that at least you are acknowledging sin. You know how many people walk around and think they are not sinners? How many people do not face their sins or own up to them?

How are you more fullfilled without Jesus? I can understand feeling emptiness even with prayer to Jesus… but are you much better off now?

And of course, prayers for you. Thanks for coming out on here and telling us how you feel, because I for one, care.
 
All I can say is I’m sorry for your bad experience. I’m not sure the cause of it.
A lot of people I know had a bad experience with people who were Catholic or grew up misguided in their home parish. I did not grow up Catholic, I came into the church through RCIA last Easter.
We don’t need to be in despair. You’re right, Jesus loves those who are far from him as well as those who are very close to him. And sometimes he challenges us more, the closer we have become to him.
Mother Theresa, for example, went through a very hard time of darnkness, feeling that Jesus was far away. Was he far away? No he wasn’t. But at some point we must trust that he is with us and is taking care of our spirit, we will have peace in our hearts if we stay close to him.

But you’re right, kneeling a certain way, praying novenas and rosaries doesn’t bring us close to him unless it is in our heart to kneel or pray that way. for a lot of us, it’s probably not in our hearts to pray that way. But Jesus wants our heart to be free. Tell him how you feel, tell him about all the pain you’ve gone through and how alone you felt, like he wasn’t there. Be real with him.

I’ve noticed with myself, the more I think about sin and how I’ve done wrong, the more I think about sin and wonder if others have the same faults I have, sometimes I try to see these faults in others. And maybe this has happened to the people you knew who were Catholic, who didn’t have freedom in their heart to be loving people. Because somewhere along the way they accepted what they saw as an ideal way to pray, kneel, that turned out to be not so ideal because It really didn’t come from their heart.

Maybe they relied on themselves too much to become holy. When we rely on ourselves and forget about God’s strength, we fail, miserably, as you have seen some Catholics do. But when we rely on ourselves instead of leaning on God it’s inevitable that we will fail. Because we can’t do anything on our own.
 
uglygal said:
I reject Jesus – I do not believe in him. Do I intellectually acknowledge he exists … yes. But do I believe in him … no.
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JESUS has treated you - how? Did a voice come from heaven to announce to you that it was Jesus treating you this way? Or was it rather other people who were treating you badly - perhaps wrongly claiming to do so in His name?

Who told you suffering is a test of your love for Jesus? Not that this is definitely not the case, but He does see further and have greater plans than you and I could possibly know of. Maybe your suffering is intended to produce good in those around you. For example the people here, who are motivated to compassion and prayer by hearing your story, and I’m sure would help you more practically were they able.

I’ll tell you my own experience - I have suffered from depression for a number of years. I have had my periods of thinking everyone around me was agin me because they weren’t behaving in the way I wanted them to - in other words they weren’t letting me behave as I darn well pleased and then bailing me out when my stupidity got me into trouble.

In reality they were working their fingers to the bone for me behind the scenes. They couldn’t force me to change myself - neither does God force any such thing. And they knew that forever fixing things when I stuffed up would damage me in the long run. God knows this too.

But they were praying for me and seeking answers so that they would be ready for me when (as thank God I did) I finally admitted my problems and asked for help.

And it’s amazing how much nicer they and everyone else (including God) seems to be now that I am being treated :rolleyes: In reality they were all always nice, I just didn’t see it because of the darkened state of my own mind.

Please don’t take this as me thinking that you suffer from mental illness or demonic oppression or any such. Anyone who presumes that is an idiot. Mother Teresa went through her own lengthy ‘dark night of the soul’ as have many of the saints, and certainly not because they were mad or possessed or at fault in any way. But certainly not because God didn’t love them either.

And anyone who prays struggles, those who don’t haven’t prayed sincerely - but bear in mind the answer ‘no’ is also an answer, and God sometimes has to say ‘no’ to us just as we sometimes have to say ‘no’ to ourselves and those we love. And the only prayer we should be praying is ‘THY will be done’. In other words we need to discover what God wants us to do with our particular circumstances and not presume that we always know what’s best in the long term.

‘Dark night of the soul’ doesn’t happen because God doesn’t love us, it is simply a product of the incredible gap between we fallible, changeable and limited humans and the infallible, unchanging and unlimited Godhead. That gap won’t be fully bridged until we die and see Him face to face. Until then, like St Augustine says, our hearts are always restless.
 
Uglygal I am sorry you have abandoned your faith, though from previous posts of yours, unless I am mistaken, this is not a recent thing. You are in my prayers, as are all who find their faith lacking (myself included sometimes).

With regard to novenas ‘‘not being answered’’ have you considered that the answer might be no? God is not a vending machine who dishes out rewards for the right combination of words.

God Bless

Peter
 
Awesome post LilyM.

Uglygal - I will pray for you.

I would say, no that you don’t totally reject Jesus or you wouldn’t be here seeking advice from those who don’t.
 
UglyGal,
I know you didn’t post this as a question but, since you are here on a Catholic forum, I assume some feedback/questions will not be amiss.
uglygal said:
I reject Jesus – I do not believe in him. Do I intellectually acknowledge he exists … yes. But do I believe in him … no.
These are my reasons;
  1. I was a catholic for some 24 years – they were the emptiest, most miserable years of my life. Jesus was always far away, he was never there
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Are you a cradle Catholic?
What was your educational situation (public or parochial)? Primarily Nuns or Lay teachers?
  1. To pray to Jesus and be heard, a massive amount of hurdles had to be jumped … pray properly, kneel properly, go to adoration, go to communion properly – and of course you never did these things properly because you are inherently bad / wrong before Jesus and you are dead to him in sin
Click to expand...
Could you elaborate on where/how this teaching was instilled in you?
  1. All the novenas I ever prayed, never worked – Mary, Jesus and the Saints are deaf (and of course whenever I would say that to someone, they would turn around and say “I don’t know what you are talking about?” or “they always hear me, they don’t listen to you? Too bad”, shrug and who cares, or “you mustn’t be praying properly”, or “you might need to pray more” etc etc)
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What about other prayers?
  1. The gates of hell are always open – wide and open just waiting for you to slip up, whist heaven is always closed.
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I will grant you that the road to Hell is wide and well trodden, but even if the gates of heaven are not thrown wide to us the instant we ask is not the same as locked and barred.
  1. The Eucharist is empty – I haven’t said this publicly before, but here I’ll say it – there is nothing there! There is no one and nothing there in the tabernacle. It is empty.
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Your right. If Jesus in not in your heart, he cannot be in your tabernacle. It’s just a sad fact.
  1. Jesus is a betrayer – he abandons you in your darkest hour and pretends you don’t exist and he can’t hear you because he is “testing you to see how much you love him”. In your darkest hour he performs his “loving” disappearing act.
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Based on the things you have written so far, Jesus has never been there for you and so how could he have betrayed or abandoned you?
  1. He provides false hope – “I am with you until the end of time” but I can’t stand you and abandon you in the darkest hour, “I came to give you life and life to the full” but the sorrow and injustice you suffer is MY doing, it is a cross I have specifically given to you to torment you with to test how much you love me.
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Even the mystics and other saintly types have experienced God’s “abandonment”.
  1. Those who are holy and special to Him are the vilest people I have ever known.
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So just how do you know they are special and holy to Him?
  1. He talks about love but these words are empty. The only reason I told him i love him at church was because if I didn’t I would automatically go to hell – his every command and every “kind” gesture must be paid for with human misery and damnation.
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So, since your professions of Love were from duress, and you never really loved Jesus how are all the other things His fault?
(The duress factor not totally unfounded in impressionalbe children. I have a certain problem with the whole paradise or punishment issue myself.)
  1. Jesus is never on your side - he will side with anyone against you, he will choose anyone over you, he will seize any reason to leave you … and say he loves you while he does it
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Since you say above that you never loved Him, there should be no reason to expect Him to be at your beck and call.

[quoteThese are the core reasons, as you can see they are not so much theological “bible quote” reasons but reasons of experience. If anyone chooses to respond, I must admit Bible quotes mean nothing to me because the Bible speaks nice words that i believe are empty. Words are nice and all, but actions speak louder. Part of the reason I trusted in Jesus so much was those nice words, which I see now are empty.
Perhaps no one can really help me, since in my experience that first thing that will probably cross a Christians mind is whether I am possessed, or oppressed by demons or involved in the occult, or in one way or another bad and wrong before Jesus who can do no wrong.
How do you explain this Jesus I have experienced? He is not consistent with the Jesus others describe here … why the difference? How do you justify how Jesus treated me or am I (as always) completely to blame and bad and wrong?
[/QUOTE]

First let me say that I do not see you as being possessed, demonic, or anything else. The fact that you are here means to me one of a coupe of things.
  1. You truly believe in God, but have been so poorly taught that your faith has completely collapsed.
  2. You truly do not believe in God and are here to test us. (which I don’t buy for a moment)
  3. you believe in God, but you have characterological issues and you come here to reinforce feelings of self loathing and worthlessness.
Secondly, I’m not a big fan of bible quotes either. If one is not disposed to accept bible teaching, it is a pointless exersize - even counterproductive.

Third, If you wish to dialog about God and discuss the issues you raise above we would be happy to do so.

I have read similer things from you before and I do try to understand your position. You have reached the point of denying everything Christian. Could you tell us the positive side of your spirit? Forget Jesus for a moment, forget the Church etc, Do you believe in a diety? How do you view this diety? things like that. It would certainly help to understand the things you do believe in rather than just what you don’t.

Peace
James
 
It sounds like you’re rejecting some ideas about Jesus that you were taught, and that’s OK. Jesus Christ does not keep tabs on how many times we pray without kneeling, or if we said the wrong words…he is WAY bigger than that. Silly people care about that (and we can all be pretty stupid at times).

It’s OK to reject some of the errors you might have been taught. The Church does not teach those things about Jesus. Jesus will not reject you. He keeps knocking on the door until we’re ready to let Him in.

Prayers,
 
Perhaps just start from the beginning in prayer. Sit down in a quiet place, close your eyes, and just picture God gazing lovingly at you as a father would to a daughter, waiting to hear you, wanting to talk with you, the daughter He made, the daughter He had planned out before He even made time, the daughter He sent His own Jesus to die for because he loved her so much. Think only about Him and open your heart and let everything melt away as you think about Him and How much He does love you, the person He made in His own image. You probably don’t “feel” any of this now, but maybe just try it.
 
UglyGal,
I just was glancing through some of your other posts.
In one you say you’re not sure if you had reachsd some conclusion or a new level in your spiritual journey. May offer that the latter is the case.

You had mentioned that you had let go of a lot of negative feelings. These aren’t replaced with great joy but you are experiencing a restful “emptyness” (I’m paraphrasing of course.)
Honestly, I think you are progressing well. Perhaps in a sense you are going back to a “spiritual womb” - a new beginning.

Your history may prevent you from looking at Christianity in an objective light for awhile, but still, if you can let go of the garbage fed you in the past, you will be able to start afresh and maybe Give Jesus another chance someday. (Then again - Maybe not:shrug: ) For now perhaps this quiet peaceful nothingness of feeling is just what you need to quiet your soul and heal.

I don’t know how you feel about prayer at this point but may I suggest a simple prayer of peace:

Father,
I fear,
I doubt,
I seek,
I Love
I ask nothing
I expect nothing
I’m tired.
Please be near me as I rest.

Then just rest quietly and be at Peace.

James
 
Yes, it sometimes feels as if Jesus is not there. But really you just have to suck it up and accept that He’s God, and He knows what’s best for you whether you like it or not.

If that sounds a little harsh, i don’t mean it that way.
 
uglygal said:
How do you justify how Jesus treated me or am I (as always) completely to blame and bad and wrong?
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Are you sure you’re not really reacting to a world that hurts people? -that rejected and killed the most perfect being, Jesus? Maybe I’m not reading you right, but I can tell you that this world does not value the person inside- the one God created- but rather judges us by the outside- and by its own standards. Identify with the rejected suffering servant who came down to love us unconditionally-who forgave and did not condemn. If you’re expecting Him to bop you on the head and show you how much He loves you He can do that-He did it for me once and I can’t even come close to conveying the depth of love God has for us. If I could give you the gift of His love I would. It is time for you to let go of what you think you know about God and seek Him on your own-then you’ll find Him. The other stuff will fall into place. The world’s heart is the opposite of God’s heart-God does not possess the meanness that this world possesses. The “holiness” of religious people often has nothing to do with God but rather has to do with pride. Read the bible on your own, for one thing, and you’ll begin to find the true nature of Jesus.
 
UGLYGAL

You are in good company. Some of the greatest mystics have lived with years of spiritual aridity: Teresa of Avila, Mother Teresa of Calcutta and Elizabeth Ann Seton. Sometimes, God operates at our emotional level, but not always. At times faith is a state of mind, not a feeling.

In 1993 I visited my parents for Memorial Day Weekend. My kids didn’t have to return to school. The school year was over, but I had to return back home to VA. I suggested that my wife, my 9-year-old daughter, 7-year-old-son and my 4-year-old autistic son remain with my parents and enjoy the Florida sun. My wife, father and kids drove me to the airport. When I landed in VA an airline agent was waiting for me at the gate. There was a message to call Florida. It was an emergency. I called. There had been an accident on the way back from the airport. I had to return to FL.

I turned around. When I arrived I was informed that my father and wife had died instantly in an auto accident. My daughter and youngest son were fine. My oldest son was on life support. He was brain dead. My two children hung on to me for safety. My mother, who had just lost my father and daughter-in-law was about to lose her grandson. All three looked toward me to make this nightmare go away.

After several consultations with neurosurgeons I decided it was time to turn off the machines and let my 7-year-old son go. His mother and grandfather had already left several hours before.

I’ve never forgotten that funeral with three coffins. As I stood there holding on to my two surviving children and my mother I felt alone. I felt very loved by God, but alone all the same. You see, God does not fill everyone’s emptiness the same way. The only thing that could have made me feel full was to have my family back. That was not going to happen.

Over the years, I’ve realized this. God will not give me what is not meant for me, because life is not about me. It’s about all of us. If we find our happiness in this life, it must be found in community. This is where family, parish and Church come into play. Salvation is for all, not just for me.

Now, years later, I look back and realize how close God has been all along. My children and I survived. We not only survived, we have succeeded against the odds. My little girl is now in grad school working on a PhD in developmental disabilities. She also teaches children with autism. My autistic son underwent years of therapy, special classes, tutoring, medications, we event lived in Italy for a few years to take advantage of their fabulous education system. Last May he returned to the USA, took the SATs, has been admitted to college and is majoring in art. He holds a part-time job and helps take care of Dad when I’m sick.

I should have mentioned that I have leukaemia. It looks like there is not cure for my condition. Life is a day-to-day journey. But you know God does love me. Just watching my son and daughter tells me so. In a world where the young are so often lost and confused, to find two young people who are invested in helping children with disabilities, bringing beauty into the world and who have never been in any kind of trouble, is a sign of God’s love.

PS Change your screen name. It says more about how you feel toward you, than what God feels. 👍
 
Reading your post, Uglygal, it sounds to me like you really understand nothing about Christianity in general, the Catholic faith in particular, Jesus, or the Biblie.

You seem to be laboring under the impression that if you do the “right” things in precisely the “right” way that God HAS to do what you order Him to do.

And if you hate Jesus so much, how do you happen to really know who is “precious” to Him (you words) and who isn’t?
 
I really need to say thankyou for the replies. I was expecting a backlash to putting these things forward but your response to me has been one of kindness and I am thankful to each everyone of you for it.

These things have been gnawing at me for a while, and now that I have said it and not been excommunicated for it, I feel a lot lighter.
What did you ask him for?
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For many things, mainly for help with my faith, that He would Love me and be with me, that he would help me live. I wanted him to bless my family and look after me when I can’t care for myself properly. Sometimes I asked him to destroy me and annihilate me, sometimes to let me die, but always to just be with me and love me.
How are you more fullfilled without Jesus? I can understand feeling emptiness even with prayer to Jesus… but are you much better off now?
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I am find my transition out of catholicism / christianity very hard, as if the process is akin to killing a part of yourself … but in a way I am, and this is related to the question James asked;
Could you tell us the positive side of your spirit? Forget Jesus for a moment, forget the Church etc, Do you believe in a diety? How do you view this diety? things like that. It would certainly help to understand the things you do believe in rather than just what you don’t.
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I believe in God my Father - for christian’s that would be the Father in the trinity, Allah in Islam, Amun Ra in Kemetic, Yahweh for Jews etc. I recognize Him as the God who has been in my life all along. When I pray to Him I can feel Him there … there is no emptiness like with Jesus, there is the very real presence of a Great God. When I tried to suicide some time ago, it was HIM that I saw (I saw no Jesus). I love this deity with all my heart and I have decided to live for Him. He gives me no visions, no promises, no ecstasies, no apparitions - just his constant presence in my everyday life. In christianity I was always told Jesus loves me so much he died for me, but in the everyday toil he was never anywhere to be found.
My Father who is my god now, won me over not by dying, not by holocaust, not by crucifixion … but by little things. For example, I left my car in a parking lot to go to a psychologist and I didn’t have change to get a ticket. I asked my Father to look after my car so I don’t get a $150 fine upon my return. When I did return, there was a paid ticket for the parking tucked under the windscreen wiper on the front window of my car. I knew that was God. Little things like this that attest to his presence with me in my everyday little life. There is no hell with Him … just trust and loyalty. Trust that the God who loved me enough to create me despite all my faults, and cares for me during this whole life, will in turn care for me in the next.

I can’t talk everything about the God I know cause he brings joy to me just thinking about him and in turn I could talk about him forever.
I don’t have a “scripture” for Him or a big religion with buildings and priests (from which christians learn who their God is) but i KNOW him through relationship. I don’t know everything about what he is (ie: think theology doctrines that most people don;t understand anyway) but I know *who *he is
But you’re right, kneeling a certain way, praying novenas and rosaries doesn’t bring us close to him unless it is in our heart to kneel or pray that way. for a lot of us, it’s probably not in our hearts to pray that way. But Jesus wants our heart to be free. Tell him how you feel, tell him about all the pain you’ve gone through and how alone you felt, like he wasn’t there. Be real with him.
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I have tried but I didn’t get a response? I told him many times how I felt but i always felt I was talking to myself. I don’t know.
Yes, it sometimes feels as if Jesus is not there. But really you just have to suck it up and accept that He’s God, and He knows what’s best for you whether you like it or not.
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Yes that’s exactly right … except I couldn’t accept “suck it up and accept that He’s God” … ps: He loves you. That is very cruel and it was the first thing that gave me an indication that there is something very wrong with this Jesus. In fact this very thing first made me look closer at who this Jesus really was behind the nice loving words.

I need time to think, I can’t respond to everyone in one go, I’m sorry.

I should have said why I bothered with a post like this, and it is because Jesus won’t leave me alone, and I feel tempted to give him one more go, but then I can’t because I don;t trust him anymore. I feel that if I turn to him i will get burned again. He pops up and then he interferes with my relationship with God, and I get anxious and hell surfaces its head and he makes me angry - it’s complicated but I want to severe him once and for all or sort him out once and for all, and ignoring him doesn’t work for long.

I appreciate everyone’s kindness, I will try to respond to more questions etc later, I am just mind-boggled at the moment and need time to re-read and think. i’m sorry.

Thankyou
 
LDNCatholic said:
Uglygal I am sorry you have abandoned your faith, though from previous posts of yours, unless I am mistaken, this is not a recent thing. You are in my prayers, as are all who find their faith lacking (myself included sometimes).

With regard to novenas ‘‘not being answered’’ have you considered that the answer might be no? God is not a vending machine who dishes out rewards for the right combination of words.

God Bless

Peter
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Yes I think the answer was no, because God was saying, I’m not there and I’m not going to answer your prayers through invoking Jesus, Mary, St Anne, St Jude etc … because I want you to invoke me - your Father

That’s the way I have come to understand the silence of the novenas
 
Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life,There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
by Mary Stevenson
 
My beautiful sister,

No amount of scripture quoting or other pious words will lift this veil from your heart. I know because I had one very much like it at one time.

I offer up my meager sufferings joined with the agony of the One whose heart weeps for his dear children, the same Sacred Heart that is ablaze with Divine Mercy. May you receive the consolation you seek, may His Light pierce the darkness, and may you find true peace that is in, with and through Him.

You are in my prayers.
 
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