Wife Admits Affair with a Woman - What Do I Do?

  • Thread starter Thread starter GoPokes01
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

GoPokes01

Guest
First time post here, please excuse my ignorance.

Quick facts: Age 36, been married 12 years, two young children, both protestants turned Catholics approx. 3 years ago. Otherwise happy marriage.

My wife recently admitted to me that she is having an affair with a married woman. She claims to have always had this “itch” and has found a woman who could “scratch it.” To date, this affair has included several texts including photos, lots of phone calls, and going out together. When they go out, they kiss and “make out”, in the bathroom, etc. I assume some more physical actions have occurred, I am not certain to what extent. My wife has been admittedly very open and honest with me about this affair, and tells me where she is going, and with whom, and tells me (her version of, I’m sure) what happened while she was out. She has me locked out of her phone, and tells me, “you don’t want to see” what is on it (referring to texts / emails, I’m sure). She is trying to make plans to go away with this woman, perhaps for a weekend trip, during which time they would explore more physical side of the relationship, and take things further in that regard than they have gone to date. The other woman is married, is not Catholic, has had other relationships with other women during her marriage, and has “an agreement” with her husband about her bisexuality / sort of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” deal. A deal that I am 100% definitely not willing to make with my wife. This relationship is both physical, and emotional - I believe in some ways, my wife has “fallen in love with” this woman. If it was a one night physical thing, it would be almost easier to deal with. But this is an ongoing relationship. They flirt a lot, my wife has bought clothing (including special underwear she has never had before, etc…), done make-up special for her, got a nice dress for her, etc - they are acting like high school kids in love.

In addition to the obvious distraction this causes in our marriage, it is resulting in her being out of the house a lot of the time, resulting in her inability to fulfill her obligations at the house (both as a mother, and a wife). We tent to share “chores” (laundry, dishes, cleaning, child care) but the brunt of this has come to me lately. I work a full time job, and make all the family money, she goes to grad school and does not work. Some of the time she is out of the house (1-2 nights / wk) is legit, due to her grad school. Those nights, she may come home at 8pm to help get kids to bed, etc. Sometimes, after school she’ll go out until 12am or after. Other nights (1-3 nights / wk in addition) she will leave the house “for dinner” and be gone from 5pm until 3-4am, out with “her.” So I am left 2-5 nights / week caring for the kids, cleaning house, basically feeling like a single father lately.

We have two young children, who obviously mean the world to us both. They are our absolute top priority. My wife was raised in a divorced family, I was not. I realize that everyone’s gut reaction to this situation would be for me to divorce her instantly, and take care of myself, etc. But, it’s just not that simple. What I have told my wife is that if this is a bump in the road of our otherwise happy marriage, I am more willing to “deal with it” for a while, and work through it, than to divorce her. I have witnessed many divorces with family and friends over the years, and I believe a divorce would only hurt both me and my kids. Me, because divorce laws are so skewed to the mother, I’d probably end up paying her lots of money for an indefinite amount of time, causing me to lower my standard of living, and I’d only get to see my kids part of the time, etc. Also, the thought of her remarrying, and injecting some other “dad” into my kids’ lives tears me apart - I can’t even imagine that - thereby punishing me for her infidelity. The kids, obviously would suffer from the co-parenting situation, compared to the traditional family life they are living right now. Also - my wife’s family is primarily several states away, and I fear that she would try to take them “home” to be near her family if we were to divorce, which scares me to death. I can’t stand to not see my kids for even one day… it would ruin my life if this turned into a custody situation where she go vindictive and tried to “take me for all I have” and “take my kids away.”

However - if this is not a temporary “trying new things” deal with her - if this is a life long struggle, I’m not so sure I’m willing to deal with that. I am seriously hurt by the whole situation. It keeps me up at night. It keeps me distracted during the day at work. My heart is broken, and depression is coming… Every time she gets a text, I assume it’s from her. Every time she’s out of the house, I assume she’s with her. Every time she’s painting her nails, or doing make-up and hair nicely, I assume it’s for her. These are all actions that she should be doing for her husband… I am being cast aside to be a day care and house cleaning service, while she goes out and “figures this out” for the time being. I am dealing with it as best as I can… but I just don’t know how long I can deal with it. I feel like a real “chump” - but I feel like my choices are: A) Deal with it / get over it, put the kids first. or B) Ruin your life and your kids life by divorcing and being selfish.

I can’t talk to anyone about it, I don’t want anyone to know. Please be aware in your responses that I love my wife, we have been friends for 20 years, and I want nothing but the best for my kids - she is a wonderful mother. Please be careful in what you say, I’m not looking for the world to come crashing down on my wife. She knows she’s doing something wrong, and has apologized many times, admitting how selfish and not fair this whole thing is. I just don’t know what to do… I’m lost, and I need some help.
 
Your wife is the only one who can choose how she behaves, but it seems to me like you’re enabling her behavior. You’re making excuses for her, and even say that besides this (as if it were a small thing) you have a “happy marriage.” No, you do not. If this is real, it is a trainwreck.

Would you let your wife dangle her complete refusal to honor her wedding vows in front of you if she were seeing a man?

We all experience temptations to sin (or “itches.”) Guess what happens when you scratch an itch? It gets worse.

You need a good - and I mean really, really good - counselor.
 
wow - spiritual words escape me.

Treat it as an adulterous affair. It’s wrong.
 
pensmama87 said:
Your wife is the only one who can choose how she behaves, but it seems to me like you’re enabling her behavior. You’re making excuses for her, and even say that besides this (as if it were a small thing) you have a “happy marriage.” No, you do not. If this is real, it is a trainwreck.

Would you let your wife dangle her complete refusal to honor her wedding vows in front of you if she were seeing a man?

We all experience temptations to sin (or “itches.”) Guess what happens when you scratch an itch? It gets worse.

You need a good - and I mean really, really good - counselor.
Click to expand...
I second this. See either a counselor or a priest. As soon as you possibly can.

I know what it’s like to be “bisexual” in a way so I can understand how your wife feels. However when it comes to being committed to one’s spouse and one’s children, those feelings are irrelevant. She married you, therefore she vowed to love you and only you for the rest of her life. She’s also supposed to be modeling Christ-like love to your kids. She needs to decide what is ultimately more important to her, her family or some fling that isn’t likely to last that long (especially considering that this other woman has been in other extra-marital affairs before).

I’ll be praying for you and your family. Trust in God, He loves you dearly, He loves your wife. He’ll get you through this storm. ❤️
 
Forgive the question, but have you told her that this affair (adultery) is absolutely unacceptable, is a betrayal of her marriage vows, and is breaking your heart?

It almost sounds from your post as though you are standing by watching while she carries on with this woman and allowing her time to “figure this out.” Instead, you should insist that the affair stop now, and that you and she go to counseling together. (If I have misread your post, I apologize, but that is how it sounds to me.)
 
English Teacher - Yes, I have told her how I feel. She hears me and understands me, and agrees with me. I am absolutely standing by while she “figures this out.”

Guys- we all know it’s adultery. We all know it’s wrong. Of course it’s a sin, of course it’s bad. Yes, it’s a train wreck. This is the first hurdle we’ve encountered in our marriage. But here’s the deal: I’m married to her. She is my wife, and my kids’ mother.

I am also a sinner, we all are. Of course, this is a pretty severe case, but isn’t part of my duty as a husband to help my wife, in good times and bad? And to do what’s best for my kids? It’s a pretty tricky situation.

I’m telling her I’m not ok with it. I’m asking her to stop. I want it to end. But, I can’t control what she does, and I’m not willing to ruin my life and my kids’ life (or at least drastically change them) at this time. I have an obligation to work through issues with my wife - right? Don’t all marriages have some hard times to get through together? Everyone is so fast to divorce anymore, I know her actions justify it. Of course I “CAN” divorce her. Maybe I “SHOULD” divorce her. But what will the result of that be? I don’t see many good things happening for me or my kids if that happens. What else can I do?

I agree with the idea that I need to talk to someone - maybe a counselor. To help me emotionally deal with it as it plays out. I don’t feel comfortable talking to our priest, I’m sure he’s heard worse, and would / could handle this professionally. Maybe I just go talk to some other local priest… I just frankly don’t want anyone to know…
 
I’m no expert in such matters, but depending on how far she goes with this, the particular type of affair she has chosen to go with - it could go further into local ‘swinger’ and open marriage and bisexual social circles and it could become very public despite your desire to keep it hidden. A picture of her and her love on social media… where does it stop. You are a very good husband being taken advantage of - speaking as a husband myself.
 
What is her take on how her affair affects the children, and it DOES affect the children.

They pick up on behavior, on the stress between parents, and if it continues they are likely to figure out what is happening.

If the kids mean everything to her, what does she think her actions are doing to them?

Has you wife spoken to a therapist so that she can sort out HER feelings?

I think that would be a good place to start.

I will pray for both of you.

I think you are wise to try to keep the family together, but of course she must be willing to do the same, and not just by hiding infidelity, but by facing it and making a real decision.
 
GoPokes01 said:
English Teacher - Yes, I have told her how I feel. She hears me and understands me, and agrees with me. I am absolutely standing by while she “figures this out.”

Guys- we all know it’s adultery. We all know it’s wrong. Of course it’s a sin, of course it’s bad. Yes, it’s a train wreck. This is the first hurdle we’ve encountered in our marriage. But here’s the deal: I’m married to her. She is my wife, and my kids’ mother.

I am also a sinner, we all are. Of course, this is a pretty severe case, but isn’t part of my duty as a husband to help my wife, in good times and bad? And to do what’s best for my kids? It’s a pretty tricky situation.

I’m telling her I’m not ok with it. I’m asking her to stop. I want it to end. But, I can’t control what she does, and I’m not willing to ruin my life and my kids’ life (or at least drastically change them) at this time. I have an obligation to work through issues with my wife - right? Don’t all marriages have some hard times to get through together? Everyone is so fast to divorce anymore, I know her actions justify it. Of course I “CAN” divorce her. Maybe I “SHOULD” divorce her. But what will the result of that be? I don’t see many good things happening for me or my kids if that happens. What else can I do?

I agree with the idea that I need to talk to someone - maybe a counselor. To help me emotionally deal with it as it plays out. I don’t feel comfortable talking to our priest, I’m sure he’s heard worse, and would / could handle this professionally. Maybe I just go talk to some other local priest… I just frankly don’t want anyone to know…
Click to expand...
If you were “seeing” some cute young thing, would you think that continuing to see her *at all *would help you to “figure this out”? I would think not. No, even seeing her in “innocent” ways would only serve to keep your head in the same fog that lead you to adultery in the first place. On that account, the first thing your wife must do in her path to get this “figured out” is to stop seeing her lover. Period.

Once she has done that, then yes, I’d say it would be wonderful if you and she got counselling to help her figure out what her issues are. Her “itch” may be a deep-seated issue that makes fidelity (and therefore marriage) something that is beyond her capacity. She needs to realize, though, that you and she are never going to have an “understanding” within which she gets to commit adultery, whether physical or emotional. That is no chance, not even a lottery-ticket-on-a-$200-million-Powerball-jackpot-week’s chance. With that in mind, with her vows to you and to God in mind, with her love for you and your children in mind, with her whole future in mind, what is she going to do about that? What promises is she willing to default on in order to “scratch what itches”? If keeping promises of fidelity to you is something she deems impossible, then you aren’t left with much choice. That is not a conclusion that anyone ought to reach lightly.

Even if she is entirely capable of keeping her vows to you, she’s going to have to choose between you and anyone else she wants to have a relationship with that goes beyond the platonic. If she is going to make a wise decision with her head and her heart instead of a reactionary decision that originates more near the erogenous zones, however, she needs to cut off the relationship with her illicit lover immediately. Don’t let either of you pretend to be fooled about that.
 
Either she wants to be part of the marriage or she doesn’t.

Marriage counseling would be a good step if you want to save the marriage. You are right that divorce should be a last resort, but it takes two people to make a marriage work.

Affairs don’t just happen.

I miss the “newlywed” stage of marriage too, but I also like the stability and growth that we’ve developed as a couple in my 11 years of marriage.

I really wouldn’t let her continue the affair. I certainly wouldn’t want my hard-earned cash paying for her to look good for some other chick and spend time away from the family. I’d ask her where she sees her marriage in 5 years. Where she sees herself? What’s your “together” plan? Sounds like she’s being selfish and assuming you’re her doormat.

Maybe I’m just too much of a neophyte, given that I only converted in 2013, but it’s hard not to miss what the church teaches about same-sex relationships and having affairs outside a marriage. I think there’s a lot more going on in her life than what she’s telling you.

Like pensmama said, we are all tempted, but we don’t all scratch the “itch”.

Good luck to you - this is a toughie.
 
GoPokes01 said:
English Teacher - Yes, I have told her how I feel. She hears me and understands me, and agrees with me. I am absolutely standing by while she “figures this out.”

Guys- we all know it’s adultery. We all know it’s wrong. Of course it’s a sin, of course it’s bad. Yes, it’s a train wreck. This is the first hurdle we’ve encountered in our marriage. But here’s the deal: I’m married to her. She is my wife, and my kids’ mother.

I am also a sinner, we all are. Of course, this is a pretty severe case, but isn’t part of my duty as a husband to help my wife, in good times and bad? And to do what’s best for my kids? It’s a pretty tricky situation.

I’m telling her I’m not ok with it. I’m asking her to stop. I want it to end. But, I can’t control what she does, and I’m not willing to ruin my life and my kids’ life (or at least drastically change them) at this time. I have an obligation to work through issues with my wife - right? Don’t all marriages have some hard times to get through together? Everyone is so fast to divorce anymore, I know her actions justify it. Of course I “CAN” divorce her. Maybe I “SHOULD” divorce her. But what will the result of that be? I don’t see many good things happening for me or my kids if that happens. What else can I do?

I agree with the idea that I need to talk to someone - maybe a counselor. To help me emotionally deal with it as it plays out. I don’t feel comfortable talking to our priest, I’m sure he’s heard worse, and would / could handle this professionally. Maybe I just go talk to some other local priest… I just frankly don’t want anyone to know…
Click to expand...
I am not saying that you should be quick to divorce her–not at all. I think divorce is a tragedy, and should be only a last resort in extreme situations. But you can’t let her walk all over you while she “figures this out,” and that is exactly what she is doing.

I think you need to tell her that she is speedily destroying your marriage with her behavior, and that she needs to end it now, cut off all communication with this woman, and go to counseling with you if she wants to save her marriage. You say she knows and agrees that it is wrong–would she be willing to talk to a priest on her own or with you (even if it’s not your local parish priest)?

I will be praying for you.
 
So sorry this is happening to you. That must be a difficult situation to be in.

So she’s apologizing and believes it’s wrong, but has no plans to stop the adultery immediately? Then it sounds to me like she’s not really very sorry, nor does she feel it’s very wrong. She’s okay with what she’s doing, and by your apathetic response, from her perspective, you’re basically fine with it, too. 😦

This relationship she has with this person who is not her spouse is selfish and damaging. Not only to you, but also to her and to your children. And from what you’ve said, you’re not doing much of anything to stop it. It doesn’t sound like there are even any consequences if it doesn’t stop! :eek:

I would suggest you need to set some boundaries and let her deal with the consequences of breaking her wedding vows. So far, it sounds like it’s costing her absolutely nothing to continue to behave this way–she gets her cake and eats it too. And if she felt it necessary to do more than just “explore” sexually with this woman, then her excuse about the “itch” that only a woman could scratch is likely false. You’ve pointed out that she’s getting more than just lesbian sex out of the relationship. Therefore, you may have had a less “happy” marriage than you thought–and you definitely don’t have a happy one right now. Happily married women don’t need to act like “high school kids in love” with someone other than their spouse. They don’t spend all their free time and money away from their family, especially with young children.

There is NO EXCUSE for her sinful, selfish behavior, but it should be telling you that something in your marriage is broken and needs fixing. Don’t ignore it.

You can only choose your own behavior and responses. I realize you can’t force her to end the affair, to do her part of the chores, etc… but it really sounds like you have just given up, accepted what she’s doing and even covered for her, expecting this to just solve itself or go away on its own.

You think the solution is just to “deal with it” for a while? Really? Would your response be different if she was committing adultery with another man instead of a woman? Seriously, this is not the healthy response of a man who feels he and his marriage are worth fighting for (or even that he deserves basic respect from his wife), so I’d be concerned that you may be suffering from depression, as well.

Please, please speak to a priest (if not your own, then at another parish) and get some counseling ASAP–especially for yourself, and for the marriage too, if your wife will go with you. I don’t think divorce should be recommended at this point, but a (hopefully temporary) separation may be necessary if she refuses to end this affair for the sake of your family (follow the advice of your priest/counselor in this regard).

Will pray for you, your wife, and your family. :gopray2:
 
GoPokes01 said:
I can’t talk to anyone about it, I don’t want anyone to know. Please be aware in your responses that I love my wife, we have been friends for 20 years, and I want nothing but the best for my kids - she is a wonderful mother. Please be careful in what you say, I’m not looking for the world to come crashing down on my wife. She knows she’s doing something wrong, and has apologized many times, admitting how selfish and not fair this whole thing is. I just don’t know what to do… I’m lost, and I need some help.
Click to expand...
You are going to have to talk about this with others, and sooner than later. I am sorry to sound harsh. This is very painful situaltion for you I am sure.

When I first saw this I leaned toward telling you to have patience with your wife and then forgive. Looking at it a little closer there are lots of signs that this is a very, very, very, very, serious situation. The fact that she flaunts the affair and then locks you out of her phone tells me she is just toying with you. Feigning remorse and then openly continuing the affair looks like she enjoying toying with you.

You have a situation that is much more serious than a free forum. Please get help form Pastor, professional counselor and an attorney.

I have sympathy for you. I do not mean to sound harsh. This is a very unhealthy situation for you, her and the kids. It needs to end. Please seek professional help. I can not say it enough…this is a very serious situation that needs PROFESSIONAL help.

You have my sympathy. I want the best for your entire family. The reality is that the road ahead of you looks very bumpy. Please prepare for it the best you can. Stay involved with your parish/faith family, contact your Pastor, a professional counselor and (I hate to say it) and an attorney.
 
GoPokes01 said:
English Teacher - Yes, I have told her how I feel. She hears me and understands me, and agrees with me. I am absolutely standing by while she “figures this out.”

Guys- we all know it’s adultery. We all know it’s wrong. Of course it’s a sin, of course it’s bad. Yes, it’s a train wreck. This is the first hurdle we’ve encountered in our marriage. But here’s the deal: I’m married to her. She is my wife, and my kids’ mother.

I am also a sinner, we all are. Of course, this is a pretty severe case, but isn’t part of my duty as a husband to help my wife, in good times and bad? And to do what’s best for my kids? It’s a pretty tricky situation.

I’m telling her I’m not ok with it. I’m asking her to stop. I want it to end. But, I can’t control what she does, and I’m not willing to ruin my life and my kids’ life (or at least drastically change them) at this time. I have an obligation to work through issues with my wife - right? Don’t all marriages have some hard times to get through together? Everyone is so fast to divorce anymore, I know her actions justify it. Of course I “CAN” divorce her. Maybe I “SHOULD” divorce her. But what will the result of that be? I don’t see many good things happening for me or my kids if that happens. What else can I do?

I agree with the idea that I need to talk to someone - maybe a counselor. To help me emotionally deal with it as it plays out. I don’t feel comfortable talking to our priest, I’m sure he’s heard worse, and would / could handle this professionally. Maybe I just go talk to some other local priest… I just frankly don’t want anyone to know…
Click to expand...
You really only have two choices: you can stay or leave. I know that you hate both, anyone would, but there is not magical third choice where you make her call off the affair and be a loyal and faithful wife. All you can control are your actions.

I do applaud you for taking your commitment to marriage so seriously. Should you choose to continue to stay, then you still need to see a lawyer. You need to know what your rights are, what your recourse is in the event that she leaves/takes the kids/moves her girlfriend into your house/etc. That doesn’t mean that you have one foot out the door, it just means that you are looking out for the best interests of you and your kids. “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” as the saying goes.

OP: If you are in fact real and genuine, please forgive what is going to be written below. I just want to give everyone on this board a heads up to prevent things from getting out of hand.
This thread was made by a trial member with one post who wants to talk a lot about how bad divorce is for men. We have had a lot of people come over from “men’s rights” sites recently to post fake threads that bait others into arguments so that they can go back to their sites and laugh about/bash the posters here. Then other people from these sites join with trial accounts to get in on the argument and it just turns into a big, offensive, mess that the mods have to shut down. I just want to bring it to everyone’s attention before anyone gets baited into an argument and things spiral.
 
It’s much easier to say what you ‘should’ do from the comfort of an office chair far away, than it is for you to actually do it. I’m not sure if I could do this, in your situation. But I strongly believe the best course of action is the following:

Tell your wife that you love her very much, you care about your children together, you want to work through these issues in your marriage, and you would like to start counseling with her. However, for her to be fully invested in therapy and improving your marriage, she must:
  1. Cease all private contact with ‘the other woman.’ If they see each other in class or professionally, she may be polite, but they are not to be talking alone together before/after classes.
  2. Allow you access to her cell phone, email, etc. at any time you request in order to verify that she is doing what she says she is and rebuild your trust.
  3. Delete all inappropriate messages, pictures, etc. from the other woman. I would request that she do so right when you ask so that she doesn’t have a chance to save backups.
Tell her that if she is unwilling to do these things, she is choosing the other woman over you, your marriage, and your children. If that is the case, then tell her that you want her to move out. Make sure your finances are separated. Give her a reasonable deadline. If she will not move out willingly, initiate divorce proceedings. Maybe initiate divorce proceedings either way; it depends on whether you think she will realize her error, and whether you could trust her if she does.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I am not saying that you should be quick to divorce her–not at all. I think divorce is a tragedy, and should be only a last resort in extreme situations. But you can’t let her walk all over you while she “figures this out,” and that is exactly what she is doing.

I think you need to tell her that she is speedily destroying your marriage with her behavior, and that she needs to end it now, cut off all communication with this woman, and go to counseling with you if she wants to save her marriage. You say she knows and agrees that it is wrong–would she be willing to talk to a priest on her own or with you (even if it’s not your local parish priest)?

I will be praying for you.
Click to expand...
👍👍

If your wife agrees to see a counselor, that is “figuring it out.” If she agrees to open up communication with you, that is “figuring it out.” If she insists on seeing this woman and ignoring her duty to husband and family, then that is “getting even more deeply mired in sin.” She can do that if she wants, but you have an obligation, as her husband, to not assist her in that.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top