Wife Admits Affair with a Woman - What Do I Do?

[EasterJoy]

This thread was made by a trial member with one post who wants to talk a lot about how bad divorce is for men. We have had a lot of people come over from “men’s rights” sites recently to post fake threads that bait others into arguments so that they can go back to their sites and laugh about/bash the posters here. Then other people from these sites join with trial accounts to get in on the argument and it just turns into a big, offensive, mess that the mods have to shut down. I just want to bring it to everyone’s attention before anyone gets baited into an argument and things spiral.

It is worth remembering that any thread started by someone brand new could either be a troll or otherwise one of us with thousands of posts but who doesn’t want this incident attached to our “anonymous” online persona.

Most of the time, though, it is someone with a real life who wouldn’t be seeking advice in a virtual forum if there was anyone they knew personally that they could talk to about the issue they’re having. IOW, if they didn’t have a problem themselves, they wouldn’t be wasting their time here.

More to the point, when the problem is not unusual–like this one, rather than “My dog is levitating and things are flying around the room, could he be possessed or is it the house?”–people with a similar problem might read this thread in the future without ever posting or logging on. If the thread is kept sensible and civil, it can help someone even in cases where the OP was a fraud.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It is worth remembering that any thread started by someone brand new could either be a troll or otherwise one of us with thousands of posts but who doesn’t want this incident attached to our “anonymous” online persona.

Most of the time, though, it is someone with a real life who wouldn’t be seeking advice in a virtual forum if there was anyone they knew personally that they could talk to about the issue they’re having. IOW, if they didn’t have a problem themselves, they wouldn’t be wasting their time here.

More to the point, when the problem is not unusual–like this one, rather than “My dog is levitating and things are flying around the room, could he be possessed or is it the house?”–people with a similar problem might read this thread in the future without ever posting or logging on. If the thread is kept sensible and civil, it can help someone even in cases where the OP was a fraud.

I’m just throwing this out there because of the suspicious paragraph about what his wife would get if they divorced and his second post where he argued against divorce-when no other posters had mentioned it. Many of the more contentious divorce threads around here have been contrived by trolls from other sites who want to make Catholics look like, and get this, “feminists”.

No, it’s not necessarily the case that he’s a troll. In fact, he’s probably not. But things get out of hand quickly, and I am mentioning it now so that people can keep it in mind if things start to go downhill.

And I did give the OP my best advice before even mentioning the possibility. I wish him all the best and hope that he gets the advice he’s looking for. But in the off chance that he isn’t sincere, people should be aware before getting into another knock down drag out argument over which gender has it worse.

 

[SuperLuigi]

English Teacher - Yes, I have told her how I feel. She hears me and understands me, and agrees with me. I am absolutely standing by while she “figures this out.”

Guys- we all know it’s adultery. We all know it’s wrong. Of course it’s a sin, of course it’s bad. Yes, it’s a train wreck. This is the first hurdle we’ve encountered in our marriage. But here’s the deal: I’m married to her. She is my wife, and my kids’ mother.

 

[GoPokes01]

I understand why the post was made about fraud. I definitely am not interested in a debate regarding divorce laws, or womens’ / men’s rights. My statements regarding divorce laws are simply a legitimate fear of mine that divorce would turn into financial peril for me and my family, which is only one of the many reasons I am not going that route. I think my wife, my kids and my marriage deserve a legit chance at working this out. I assure you that I am a real person who is really in need of help, and hoping that this forum could help me get advice from people who share my same spiritual beliefs.

Many of the comments here have already helped. You are right…I am in pain. I am in shock. I am likely in more depression than I thought… I need help. Thanks for your time everyone, I truly appreciate your feedback. I am reaching out to a priest currently.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’m just throwing this out there because of the suspicious paragraph about what his wife would get if they divorced and his second post where he argued against divorce-when no other posters had mentioned it. Many of the more contentious divorce threads around here have been contrived by trolls from other sites who want to make Catholics look like, and get this, “feminists”.

No, it’s not necessarily the case that he’s a troll. In fact, he’s probably not. But things get out of hand quickly, and I am mentioning it now so that people can keep it in mind if things start to go downhill.

And I did give the OP my best advice before even mentioning the possibility. I wish him all the best and hope that he gets the advice he’s looking for. But in the off chance that he isn’t sincere, people should be aware before getting into another knock down drag out argument over which gender has it worse.

There’s nothing to worry about here.

Between the regular+ members, I think we can figure when someone is genuine and when someone is just on here to throw mud.

One key thing to note is the original poster is engaged not to little or not too much and is receptive to advice.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I am reaching out to a priest currently.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m just throwing this out there because of the suspicious paragraph about what his wife would get if they divorced and his second post where he argued against divorce-when no other posters had mentioned it. Many of the more contentious divorce threads around here have been contrived by trolls from other sites who want to make Catholics look like, and get this, “feminists”.

No, it’s not necessarily the case that he’s a troll. In fact, he’s probably not. But things get out of hand quickly, and I am mentioning it now so that people can keep it in mind if things start to go downhill.

And I did give the OP my best advice before even mentioning the possibility. I wish him all the best and hope that he gets the advice he’s looking for. But in the off chance that he isn’t sincere, people should be aware before getting into another knock down drag out argument over which gender has it worse.

I think your point is well-taken. The OP is probably genuinely new, though, so I thought expanding on the idea might explain why he ought not take your post personally. We do get some fake posters who start with “typical” posts, but then on their third or fourth post throw in some “new details” to get the fire going. It is a nasty thing to do, and the best way to prevent it is to remember to keep the rhetoric level under control.

 

[GoPokes01]

There’s nothing to worry about here.

Between the regular+ members, I think we can figure when someone is genuine and when someone is just on here to throw mud.

One key thing to note is the original poster is engaged not to little or not too much and is receptive to advice.

I completely understand. After several weeks of keeping all of this inside, it’s quite liberating to discuss with people here. Some of these responses are already helping feel a little better armed to have a more serious discussion with my wife, and start talking about the end game / exit strategy. I need her to start helping this come to an end, because I feel like I am falling apart. I need her to be my wife again, and she needs to hear me say that better, and know it. I’m not helping anything by just letting it happen, and I’m seeing that.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I understand why the post was made about fraud. I definitely am not interested in a debate regarding divorce laws, or womens’ / men’s rights. My statements regarding divorce laws are simply a legitimate fear of mine that divorce would turn into financial peril for me and my family, which is only one of the many reasons I am not going that route.

Good to hear! And you’re right, it is a very legit fear. All debates about who suffers more/who loses the most aside, at the end of the day, the fact remains that suddenly two households are being supported on the same income that one was. And because the parents don’t work together like married couples do, maintaining a household and raising children becomes a lot harder. But all of that has to be weighed against what growing up in this situation will do to you and the kids. Think about it, is this what you want to teach your children to expect in marriage?

I think my wife, my kids and my marriage deserve a legit chance at working this out. I assure you that I am a real person who is really in need of help, and hoping that this forum could help me get advice from people who share my same spiritual beliefs.

Unfortunately, it seems that your wife is unilaterally hurting the marriage. That means that only she can decide if it will have a legit chance of working. Even if you stay, your marriage won’t work if she continues like this. I know how awful it is to feel powerless, but that’s reality.

Many of the comments here have already helped. You are right…I am in pain. I am in shock. I am likely in more depression than I thought… I need help. Thanks for your time everyone, I truly appreciate your feedback. I am reaching out to a priest currently.

Good! Definitely talk to a priest about this. You need someone to listen and offer guidance. But please, talk to a lawyer. It won’t only protect you, it will protect your kids too.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh, and if she does take the kids, do not hesitate to call the police. She doesn’t have the right to do that to you, but most importantly, she doesn’t have the right to do that to your kids. Taking them away from their father, their home, possibly their school, their routine, and throwing them into an adulterous situation is cruel.

With that in mind, don’t leave the house. The person who leaves the home gives up a lot in the case of divorce.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

It’s much easier to say what you ‘should’ do from the comfort of an office chair far away, than it is for you to actually do it. I’m not sure if I could do this, in your situation. But I strongly believe the best course of action is the following:

Tell your wife that you love her very much, you care about your children together, you want to work through these issues in your marriage, and you would like to start counseling with her. However, for her to be fully invested in therapy and improving your marriage, she must:

1. Cease all private contact with ‘the other woman.’ If they see each other in class or professionally, she may be polite, but they are not to be talking alone together before/after classes.
2. Allow you access to her cell phone, email, etc. at any time you request in order to verify that she is doing what she says she is and rebuild your trust.
3. Delete all inappropriate messages, pictures, etc. from the other woman. I would request that she do so right when you ask so that she doesn’t have a chance to save backups.

Tell her that if she is unwilling to do these things, she is choosing the other woman over you, your marriage, and your children. If that is the case, then tell her that you want her to move out. Make sure your finances are separated. Give her a reasonable deadline. If she will not move out willingly, initiate divorce proceedings. Maybe initiate divorce proceedings either way; it depends on whether you think she will realize her error, and whether you could trust her if she does.

Good practical advice. This will show her that you love her and want to fight for your marriage, but that you are dead serious about the affair stopping, now. The “tough love” approach is definitely needed here.

 

[robertmidwest]

I have witnessed many divorces with family and friends over the years, and I believe a divorce would only hurt both me and my kids. Me, because divorce laws are so skewed to the mother, I’d probably end up paying her lots of money for an indefinite amount of time, causing me to lower my standard of living, and I’d only get to see my kids part of the time, etc. Also, the thought of her remarrying, and injecting some other “dad” into my kids’ lives tears me apart - I can’t even imagine that - thereby punishing me for her infidelity. The kids, obviously would suffer from the co-parenting situation, compared to the traditional family life they are living right now. Also - my wife’s family is primarily several states away, and I fear that she would try to take them “home” to be near her family if we were to divorce, which scares me to death. I can’t stand to not see my kids for even one day… it would ruin my life if this turned into a custody situation where she go vindictive and tried to “take me for all I have” and “take my kids away.”

B) Ruin your life and your kids life by divorcing and being selfish.

You do not have a functioning marriage now.

You emotions are running wild which is giving you unrealistic fears about seperating from her. You need to talk to some professional people to get good information about child custody, finances, church law, etc Don’t just speculate that you may lose custody or alienate the kids.

I will be very blunt: You do not have a functioning marriage NOW. It is very unhealthy NOW for you, the kids and her. I have sympathy for whatever emotioanal and spiritual problems your wife is facing, but HER DECISIONS are putting YOU and THE KIDS in a DANGEROUS and UNHEALTHY situation.

 

[EasterJoy]

I completely understand. After several weeks of keeping all of this inside, it’s quite liberating to discuss with people here. Some of these responses are already helping feel a little better armed to have a more serious discussion with my wife, and start talking about the end game / exit strategy. I need her to start helping this come to an end, because I feel like I am falling apart. I need her to be my wife again, and she needs to hear me say that better, and know it. I’m not helping anything by just letting it happen, and I’m seeing that.

There are ways to approach this without being either too accommodating or too rigid.

1. The infidelity needs to stop now. I would give this advice whether I was asked by the innocent spouse, the wayward spouse, or some person who has fallen for a wayward spouse, and whether they were religious or not. One look at other people in the same position teaches that the third person only fogs thinking on all sides. Even if the marriage is ultimately going to fail, that third person will provoke more bad decisions by both spouses than anyone wants. (That “anyone” usually includes the third person, if they have their head on straight at all.)
2. Her feelings about her “itch” are important, and she does need to figure those out. She should have professional help in doing it, if it is at all possible. If you can support her, that is praiseworthy, laudable, and makes a good outcome far more likely.
3. She needs to decide, too, whether she believes that fidelity is a necessary component of marriage. It is what she promised. Can she do it? If so, will she do it?
4. If your marriage has other problems, then you two need to face those together. You need to see to the foundational friendship that is the basis for wanting to marry each other in the first place, too. How is that doing? How has it grown? How has it changed? What might it be, with some intelligent effort in the right places? Even if you divorce, you’re going to be parents together forever. You ought to try to be on the most amiable terms you can.
5. (Other than looking at asset and custody protection, because this has to have hit your trust of each other) only when you have done that relationship and self work should either of you even consider divorce or a new relationship. This is the old Dr. Phil’s adage that sooner or later you have to work your way out of the problems in a marriage that seems to be failing, or you will never be free of those problems. Whether the marriage is going to fail or succeed, sooner is always better. People who ignore this adage are prone to divorces they later realize they did not need or want or else they get into new relationships or new marriages with all the same problems as the old one.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, she and you get tested for STDs. Sorry, not familiar with female same sex statistics on STD’s but, it’s the standard advice I give anyone where there’s been adultery.

Realize that she may be pushing you to make the decision, make you the bad guy. You’ve been friends for 20 years, she knows you very well. She’s counting on your love for her in her calculations. You will not put her in a bad light with the kids, you will not interfere in her relationship with them, you will not let anyone else-- her or your family-- know about this out of fear of embarassment and hopes you can put the marriage back together. Letting anyone else in on this will make that harder. You know it, she knows it, and she’s counting on it to dictate your actions.

Right now, she can have it all. You, the kids, her girlfriend, her education— no hard choices for her. Lots of excitement and drama.

You don’t deserve this, she needs to choose. You can not save a marriage by yourself, and frankly, you’re laying down and making noises like a rug. As a result you’re being walked on.

Sit down somewhere quiet. Decide what you want, make a plan to achieve it. And just as she’s using her knowledge of you and how she knows you’ll react-- you need to utilize your knowledge and understanding of her. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking that what you see as negative outcomes of her actions are collateral damage, or unintended. If they’re logical outcomes, they are most likely the goal- concious or sub-concious.

If I’m paying for everything, either the phone goes or it only has access to/from my and the kids phone numbers and perhaps a couple of others I deem essential. Sorry, not paying for her communications with her – whatever this is.

I’d keep paying for her education, if you split up-she’s gonna need a job.

I would push for a separation. She moves out, has her own place and figures out what she wants. You keep custody of the kids, she visits. This will probably be pretty easy since she won’t really want them around to see her girlfriend and what’s going on. They’ll be in the way and an inconvenience. She and her gf can go play high-schoolers together. The nice thing is if it goes to a divorce, the current arrangements for the kids will be treated deferentially by the court-- especially if Mom’s been having access. But that’s something for you and a lawyer to discuss.

But you having custody will be important- moral upbringing and protecting them from the folks Mom may have in her life in the future. Number 1 threat to kids is Mom’s new bf/husband- doesn’t seem to apply now but…

If Mom insists on getting the kids around the girlfriend the kids will, unless they’re very dim, clutch into what’s going on very fast. Nothing you’ll be able to do about it-- and frankly, they’ll deserve to know and understand their mother. They have to deal with her the rest of their lives, they have the right to assess her as she is vice you providing a filter. They deserve a relationship with her, but it will have to be based on reality. Also, if the family splits up-- they’ll be looking to blame everyone but their mother or you, and girlfriend becomes a convenient scapegoat. Which will also serve in emotionally alienating them from their mother in some ways. This puts gf in a bad place for the future, she’s being used just like you.

I will be praying for you. I agree with trying to save the marriage, of fulfilling the oath for better or worse. You’re in a ‘for worse’ phase, and I don’t see that improving unless there’s both an incentive and desire on your wife’s part to honoring her mariage vows.

 

[robertmidwest]

You don’t deserve this, she needs to choose. You can not save a marriage by yourself, and frankly, you’re laying down and making noises like a rug. As a result you’re being walked on…

I would push for a separation…

…I will be praying for you. I agree with trying to save the marriage, of fulfilling the oath for better or worse. You’re in a ‘for worse’ phase, and I don’t see that improving unless there’s both an incentive and desire on your wife’s part to honoring her mariage vows.

Good advice. I concur.

Just want to add one point. Anything and everything you do MAY come up in divorce or custody hearing. Get good legal adivice and follow it.

I have never been through a divorce. Most of my coworkers have and they share freely. EMails, texts, verbal conversations, receipts, bills, bank statements, statements from kids teachers (EVERTYTHING/ANYTHING) COULD come up at a later date.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If I’m paying for everything, either the phone goes or it only has access to/from my and the kids phone numbers and perhaps a couple of others I deem essential. Sorry, not paying for her communications with her – whatever this is.

I’d keep paying for her education, if you split up-she’s gonna need a job.

This is really dangerous advice, please don’t do this. The breadwinner is not the one who is paying for the education or the cellphone, the family is. And the courts will recognize that she has equal access to those resources until divorce or legal separation occurs. Deciding to restrict who she can and cannot talk to on her phone is going to be viewed as controlling at best, abusive at worst and it will make the judge very suspicious about what’s going on.

This isn’t just the cell phone. He can’t kick her out of her home, hide money or resources, or try to prevent her from meeting her basic needs.

 

[Groo]

I don’t think you are quite as powerless in this relationship as you believe. It sounds like you are the primary, maybe the sole breadwinner.

If that is the case you can cut her off financially - maybe not completely, but at least enough to get her attention. There is no reason you should be paying for her evenings out and all the frills.

Give her an allowance commensurate with how she performs her household duties. If she neglects the kids or chores, cut the allowance. She may not be able to make her car payment or something. Oh well. And you may take a credit hit. Oh well… If you really want to throw her into a panic stop paying he mortgage. Somehow she needs to know by your actions (not your words) that you won’t put up with her behavior.

My point is she needs to face some kind of consequence for her action. And if you control the money, you have power.

You should seek a lawyer’s counsel before considering any of this, though, because once you lay down the gauntlet she could bolt and file. And you need to be prepared for that.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t think you are quite as powerless in this relationship as you believe. It sounds like you are the primary, maybe the sole breadwinner.

If that is the case you can cut her off financially - maybe not completely, but at least enough to get her attention. There is no reason you should be paying for her evenings out and all the frills.

Give her an allowance commensurate with how she performs her household duties. If she neglects the kids or chores, cut the allowance. She may not be able to make her car payment or something. Oh well. And you may take a credit hit. Oh well… If you really want to throw her into a panic stop paying he mortgage. Somehow she needs to know by your actions (not your words) that you won’t put up with her behavior.

My point is she needs to face some kind of consequence for her action. And if you control the money, you have power.

You should seek a lawyer’s counsel before considering any of this, though, because once you lay down the gauntlet she could bolt and file. And you need to be prepared for that.

This is again bad advice. If he wants to start separating finances, he needs to get an attorney and move forward the legal way. Cutting her off financially, causing her to miss car payments, or trying to make her “earn her keep” is going to hurt him. If she gets a lawyer he could face stiff financial and legal penalties. (And that plan of tying her finances to chores is going to make him look like a controlling slave driver. No judge will be ok with that.)

That’s why there is such a thing as ‘marital assets’, so that the person earning the money doesn’t have more power.

 

[1newcatholic]

Save the evidence of the affair–text messages, etc. Infidelity is a good reason for divorce, and if you can prove it in court, you’re on much better footing.

It seems pretty clear that she has you wound around her little finger and can do what she wants. You have two options–let her do what she wants, or walk away. Keep in mind that your kids might be harmed more by a toxic adulterous marriage than a clean divorce.

 

[1newcatholic]

You do not have a functioning marriage now.

You emotions are running wild which is giving you unrealistic fears about seperating from her. You need to talk to some professional people to get good information about child custody, finances, church law, etc Don’t just speculate that you may lose custody or alienate the kids.

I will be very blunt: You do not have a functioning marriage NOW. It is very unhealthy NOW for you, the kids and her. I have sympathy for whatever emotioanal and spiritual problems your wife is facing, but HER DECISIONS are putting YOU and THE KIDS in a DANGEROUS and UNHEALTHY situation.

100% correct.

Anecdote: My friend had an affair and then filed for divorce, and in retribution his wife left the state with their child. The courts did not side with the mother and compelled her to return with 24 hours under threat of arrest.