Wife Admits Affair with a Woman - What Do I Do?

[styrgwillidar]

If you wife is indeed adamant about where she stands, then in the long run you and your dear children will be better off without her in the picture.
…

She will always be in the picture. She will always be Mom to them, at the age of 6 that relationship has been cemented. They will always want a relationship and connection no matter what opinion they have of her, whether they respect her choices or not.

That is the burden of being the custodial parent if it works out that way. You need to commit to providing them and her that space in your life. It may even be in your kids home with you if she makes her home a place they can’t go for some reason. You can not be a roadblock/barrier to their mother. In fact, you have to go further for the sake of your kids, you have to make a concious effort and sacrifice to ensure that they and she have time together.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is very true. Also, sometimes being separated really does help a couple work out their issues and they get back together.

However, it’s time to be practical and start creating envisioning a future for your kids w/o mom being in the household.

If she wants to be gay, then let her “be gay” and figure her stuff out outside your family’s house. Help her put a timeline together as to when she’ll be out of the house and let her know that you still love her, but aren’t going to live like this anymore. A lot of hard decisions are going to have to be made now because you will be a single father.

Will you have to downsize your home? Will you have to cut back expenses to help mom get established in a new place while she’s looking for a job? Will she get to stay in the house while she’s looking for a job to support herself? Do you have help from your parents or will you need day care?

Help the kids understand that your relationship with mom is changing, but their relationship with mom will always be the same. Mom will always love them, etc.

I don’t mean to sound cold, but these situations are just awful no matter what. Keep talking to the priest and getting counseling so you can be a good dad to those kids. Don’t be ashamed if you need to take some anti-depressants to get through some of this. Don’t be ashamed for grieving this loss and this change in your life. Just keep doing what you need to do to protect your family and the kids. Lean on your friends and family for support. God’s got your back. It’s not going to be easy. I wish I could say that it was.

Here’s the deal: the OP does not get to do any of this. He cannot tell his wife that she will no longer be living there, he can’t ask for much less set a timeline, he can’t decide how much money to give her for a new place, and he certainly doesn’t get to decide that the kids will be going to daycare and that mom can have visits.

All he can do is ask if she’s willing to move out. If she says no, then that’s that, and they will have to go through the legal proceedings. And it is ALWAYS best to stay in the home unless there’s abuse, and I’m sure the wife knows this. If he tries to insist that she leaves, tries to bully or pressure her, or anything like that, he could find himself being told by a judge that he needs to lave the home.

It is not a forgone conclusion that he will be the primary custodian. In fact, if it’s at all possible, they would probably be sharing custody.

He needs to get to a lawyer now and figure out what his legal options are should he decide to separate. Even if he doesn’t act on it yet, he needs to know what would would happen. Chances are, joint accounts and assets would be frozen-that means they would both have to sign off on withdrawing or moving money. If the spouses cannot agree on who gets the home, it can be sold and the money split between the two. But none of this can be done unilaterally. And the spouse who takes it upon themselves to dictate the terms and process of a divorce (leaving the home, trying to force a spouse out of the home, emptying accounts, hiding money, changing cell phone or other utility plans to inconvenience the other, taking the kids, trying to dictate visitation/cusody, etc) almost always loses.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yeah, he may owe some additional money, but so what? Isn’t a man’s family worth figbting for? The OP is enabling his wife to commit mortal sin. And what kind of example is he setting for the kids by standing there while his wife runs over him?

Somehow he needs to get her attention and words aren’t doing it. There is a time when a man has to say, ‘damn the torpedo’s’ and fight!

I mean, what are the alternatives? Initiate a divorce that you know will hurt everyone. Or take that slim chance that by some drastic actions you get her attention and she stops - saving the family. Sure it’s risky, but we’re talking about his wife’s soul and family. They are worth the risk.

How would cutting her off financially be “fighting for the family”? You think that if she’s broke she’ll come back and be faithful because she has no other choice? Even if that did work, and that’s only a very slim chance, is that the kind of marriage the OP wants, or the kind of mother his children deserve?

His kids need a strong, stable parent in their lives. It would be selfish of him to act the way that you’ve described. It would hurt his chances of being the primary custodian, or of even getting joint custody. The way that his wife is living right now, he can’t risk losing any time, influence, or control over his children and how they are brought up.

Looking like an abuser, even though he isn’t one, will ONLY hurt him and his children. The only person who would benefit is his (ex)wife, because she would be able to use this against him in court.

 

[PaulinVA]

I agree with blueeyedlady, BUT, it takes a lot of chutzpah to dress in your house for an adulterous date and then tell your husband about it later when you return to the marital home. Absolutely mindblowing.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[EasterJoy]

Here’s the deal: the OP does not get to do any of this. He cannot tell his wife that she will no longer be living there, he can’t ask for much less set a timeline, he can’t decide how much money to give her for a new place, and he certainly doesn’t get to decide that the kids will be going to daycare and that mom can have visits.

All he can do is ask if she’s willing to move out. If she says no, then that’s that, and they will have to go through the legal proceedings. And it is ALWAYS best to stay in the home unless there’s abuse, and I’m sure the wife knows this. If he tries to insist that she leaves, tries to bully or pressure her, or anything like that, he could find himself being told by a judge that he needs to lave the home.

It is not a forgone conclusion that he will be the primary custodian. In fact, if it’s at all possible, they would probably be sharing custody.

He needs to get to a lawyer now and figure out what his legal options are should he decide to separate. Even if he doesn’t act on it yet, he needs to know what would would happen. Chances are, joint accounts and assets would be frozen-that means they would both have to sign off on withdrawing or moving money. If the spouses cannot agree on who gets the home, it can be sold and the money split between the two. But none of this can be done unilaterally. And the spouse who takes it upon themselves to dictate the terms and process of a divorce (leaving the home, trying to force a spouse out of the home, emptying accounts, hiding money, changing cell phone or other utility plans to inconvenience the other, taking the kids, trying to dictate visitation/cusody, etc) almost always loses.

Yes, he needs to get a lawyer now, because he has to know everything his spouse could do in order to get custody herself, get the family assets herself, get the family home herself, and so on. When a spouse betrays trust, don’t trust them. You should expect that she’ll be spending just as much of your family assets on her lawyer as you spend on yours, but find a lawyer with a practice that specializes in representing men, keep copious notes, and follow that lawyer’s advice to the letter.

 

[pianistclare]

You really only have two choices: you can stay or leave. I know that you hate both, anyone would, but there is not magical third choice where you make her call off the affair and be a loyal and faithful wife. All you can control are your actions.

I do applaud you for taking your commitment to marriage so seriously. Should you choose to continue to stay, then you still need to see a lawyer. You need to know what your rights are, what your recourse is in the event that she leaves/takes the kids/moves her girlfriend into your house/etc. That doesn’t mean that you have one foot out the door, it just means that you are looking out for the best interests of you and your kids. “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” as the saying goes.

OP: If you are in fact real and genuine, please forgive what is going to be written below. I just want to give everyone on this board a heads up to prevent things from getting out of hand.

---

This thread was made by a trial member with one post who wants to talk a lot about how bad divorce is for men. We have had a lot of people come over from “men’s rights” sites recently to post fake threads that bait others into arguments so that they can go back to their sites and laugh about/bash the posters here. Then other people from these sites join with trial accounts to get in on the argument and it just turns into a big, offensive, mess that the mods have to shut down. I just want to bring it to everyone’s attention before anyone gets baited into an argument and things spiral.

Part II. YES.

 

[Groo]

I tend to come off hot when I read things like this. My major point was that he should not sit back and let his wife make unilateral financial decisions that damage the family.

But that is academic now. The marriage is lost and OP should get a lawyer and move on his timetable, not hers.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I agree with blueeyedlady, BUT, it takes a lot of chutzpah to dress in your house for an adulterous date and then tell your husband about it later when you return to the marital home. Absolutely mindblowing.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

It’s completely insane. That’s why it’s so important that the OP keep his cool. His kids NEED him to do everything in his power to get primary custody.

 

[Groo]

Maybe it is my flawed interpretation, but OP seems really passive in all this. I get being calm for the kids,potential custody hearings and such. But he seems to be letting his wife dictate every single action. I don’t know; I can’t be that way.

OP does not have to wait for the wife to sort things out or whatever the hell it is she wants to do before filing, does he? If the kids were grown and he wanted to wait it out that would be one thing, bu he has young kids to protect.

Get a lawyer and take whatever legal means are necessary to get custody and the best settlement for you; even if it pisses her off and disrupts her timetable. You can’t control her actions, but you don’t have to follow her lead on how this separation is going to go either.

Figure out what is best for you and the kids, then do it quickly. And stop listening so much to the wife and what she wants. She is out of her mind and is in no position to make either requests or decisions that are in the best interest of this family.

 

[pianistclare]

I think the whole thing is fishy, especially the part where he’s so patient and willing to let her do as she pleases until she “figures it out”.
I don’t know one man would sit still for this. Not one. Especially with children in the picture.
Sounds fishy.
Other than that, I agree with BEL’s most recent posts. Also, like Groo, I think he should be planning for a future without her. If this is real (which I highly doubt) there’s not going to be a happy ending. :twocents:

 

[robertmidwest]

I think the whole thing is fishy, especially the part where he’s so patient and willing to let her do as she pleases until she “figures it out”.
I don’t know one man would sit still for this. Not one. Especially with children in the picture.

There are lots of people in the world that have trouble setting boundaries. Not just marriages but it happens in all different aspects of life- employers, kids, neighbors, parents, teachers.

Talk to a pastor or a pyschologist. They will tell you they see this everyday.

 

[styrgwillidar]

There are lots of people in the world that have trouble setting boundaries. Not just marriages but it happens in all different aspects of life- employers, kids, neighbors, parents, teachers.

Talk to a pastor or a pyschologist. They will tell you they see this everyday.

On top of that is the normal human’s initial reaction to an emergency, disbelief, the ‘this can’t be happening to me’ reaction which slows down the response.

He also is a Catholic who believes in honoring marriage and his vows, hence the desire to work through it without being sure how to go about it. The reluctance to do something for fear it will end it all.

As well as he is a man in love with a woman over 20 years. The confusion and problem in reconciling the person he thinks he knows, what he thinks is her normal and ‘real self’ with the actions of that person now. Probably some feelings of – she’ll snap out of this, this really isn’t her, who she is. She’ll come to her senses.

It is incredibly hard to step back and be objective about someone we’ve known this long, to throw out everything we felt or believed about them and act just limited to what they’re doing now. History influences the present.

 

[MJJean]

There are lots of people in the world that have trouble setting boundaries. Not just marriages but it happens in all different aspects of life- employers, kids, neighbors, parents, teachers.

Talk to a pastor or a pyschologist. They will tell you they see this everyday.

I’ve seen it.

On top of that is the normal human’s initial reaction to an emergency, disbelief, the ‘this can’t be happening to me’ reaction which slows down the response.

He also is a Catholic who believes in honoring marriage and his vows, hence the desire to work through it without being sure how to go about it. The reluctance to do something for fear it will end it all.

As well as he is a man in love with a woman over 20 years. The confusion and problem in reconciling the person he thinks he knows, what he thinks is her normal and ‘real self’ with the actions of that person now. Probably some feelings of – she’ll snap out of this, this really isn’t her, who she is. She’ll come to her senses.

It is incredibly hard to step back and be objective about someone we’ve known this long, to throw out everything we felt or believed about them and act just limited to what they’re doing now. History influences the present.

This. Not to mention the wife claims she hasn’t slept with the other woman and that the affair is in the emotional and making out only stage. The OP’s reaction might change if the wife actually goes away with the other woman and sleeps with her.

And, frankly, a lot of men react less strongly when their wives cheat on them with women. They feel less threatened. Some men find the idea a turn on. Some hope to be invited along. Some don’t even consider it cheating because it’s another woman.

 

[MJJean]

The conversation went another way. She advised me that she is relatively certain that she is a lesbian / is gay. She realizes that she owes it to herself and to me to not be married to me if this is indeed the case. She feels that she’s always kind of known, but this relationship is proving it. She’s about 2 months in to this life changing idea, and is asking for my patience while she better understands all of this. She is one of my oldest friends (20+ years). We did a lot of talking and crying last night.
At this point, I greatly fear that our marriage is over. And what that’s going to look like in the coming months. I’m very scared and sad for our kids, and how this will effect them. They are only 6 yrs old…
I appreciate everyone’s responses here, this is a great forum. I ask that you pray for my family as we go forward. Please pray specifically for my sons.

Does your wife feel sexual attraction to you? Did she enjoy sex with you and reach orgasm through the act itself or manual touch if she was unable to climax through vaginal stimulation alone? (the majority of hetero women actually cannot reach orgasm through vaginal stim alone I ask because it is entirely possible she is simply discovering/admitting to herself that she is bisexual. No need to answer if it’s too personal for you, but some questions to mull over and talk to her about if you haven’t already.

If she is indeed homosexual I can understand why she would want to end the marriage. But if she is actually bisexual there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t end the affair and work on her marriage to you. Has she considered she is bisexual? Has she thought that maybe she is so strongly attracted to this woman simply because it’s a shiny new relationship and she is drunk on new romance happy hormones? If she’s bi she need only realize that instead of resisting temptation with men she would have to resist temptation with women, too.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve seen it.

This. Not to mention the wife claims she hasn’t slept with the other woman and that the affair is in the emotional and making out only stage. The OP’s reaction might change if the wife actually goes away with the other woman and sleeps with her.

And, frankly, a lot of men react less strongly when their wives cheat on them with women. They feel less threatened. Some men find the idea a turn on. Some hope to be invited along. Some don’t even consider it cheating because it’s another woman.

Nobody would react less strongly if they found their wife was in the “making out only” stage with another man. As for men who are permissive about a wife who is bisexual, that is frankly not within the authority of a husband to permit. Chastity and fidelity in marriage are not just things we owe to our spouses, so that they could excuse us, but something we owe to God.

 

[Dorothy]

Nobody would react less strongly if they found their wife was in the “making out only” stage with another man. As for men who are permissive about a wife who is bisexual, that is frankly not within the authority of a husband to permit. Chastity and fidelity in marriage are not just things we owe to our spouses, so that they could excuse us, but something we owe to God.

Great post!

 

[robertmidwest]

Some men find the idea a turn onj. Some hope to be invited along.

As for men who are permissive about a wife who is bisexual, that is frankly not within the authority of a husband to permit.

The OP has never indicated that he is getting pleasure from his wife being with another woman. Totally different issue.

 

[EasterJoy]

The OP has never indicated that he is getting pleasure from his wife being with another woman. Totally different issue.

No, he understandably seems puzzled and uncertain about how to respond to her revelation about her sexual confusion in the best way. I think it is reasonable to remember that the questions of fidelity and chastity are not suspended because she is dallying with a homosexual extramarital relationship instead of a heterosexual one. The confusing effect of having an actual object of temptation isn’t different.

She needs to consider if her marriage is valid first: that is, if she has the capacity to do what she has promised to do. The affair is not going to help her figure that out. The affair is emotional playing around. Affairs are exercises in mutual flattery and self-indulgence. They obscure, rather than enlightening. Discerning her own psychosexual make-up is going to be emotional work.

 

[OraLabora]

And, frankly, a lot of men react less strongly when their wives cheat on them with women. They feel less threatened. Some men find the idea a turn on. Some hope to be invited along. Some don’t even consider it cheating because it’s another woman.

Speaking as a married man, I would feel less strongly if my wife cheated with another woman, but not for the reasons you cite.

My gut reaction would be (if my wife declared she was homosexual) “I can’t compete with that” and would conclude that this is nothing of my doing but a deep-seated issue that she either kept hidden, didn’t acknowledge or tried to deny by marrying to be “normal”. I would of course be very disappointed and hurt, because I love her deeply and she’s my best friend and probably the only person I really enjoy spending more than 5 minutes with beyond my own children. I wouldn’t consider it “cheating” in the normal sense but rather finally coming to grips with who she really is. I wouldn’t want to stay married I think; I would in fact question if the marriage really was valid all long. But I don’t think I’d part acrimoniously unless she was being grossly unfair about the financial aspects of the separation. I just can’t compete with “lesbian”.

It would be different if she cheated with a man; that would be a betrayal, and I would take it as being somehow inadequate to satisfy her and an indictment of my manhood. It would make me bitter, and though I’d pray for and wish for a reconciliation it would take me a long time to rebuild trust if it should happen.

On the other hand an adulterous liaison with another man could be seen as a “mistake” that wouldn’t necessarily end the marriage (and we all make mistakes), but an admission of homosexuality (and not bisexuality) would pretty much make a normal marriage and normal conjugal relations impossible.

As for bisexuality I sincerely doubt the ability of a bisexual person to remain entirely faithful and chaste within marriage, because there is an aspect of the person that the spouse will never be able to satisfy. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I’m sure it would be tough.

All this said, I’m not particularly turned on by the idea of another woman being involved in sexual relations with my wife. I understand a certain number of men being turned on by that, but I’m not one of them. I guess we’re all different. To me sex is a very private and intimate thing between two (hopefully!) married people, not three or more.

The OP has my prayers. This is a very tough situation and it does sound like he loves and respects his wife, but if she truly is homosexual, I think for all concerned it would be better to let her go (amicably if possible) and for his own sake pursue an annulment; at 36 he potentially has a long and lonely life ahead of him if he can’t remarry. I’d also say to him that he shouldn’t take it personally. It’s not his fault. He didn’t turn her into a homosexual (if indeed she concludes she is), it’s inherent to her personality. For that matter she has my prayers too, her road is no easier. It’s wrong to be glib about her “breaking her vows” or being a simple adulteress. It’s far more complex than that.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
It’s wrong to be glib about her “breaking her vows” or being a simple adulteress. It’s far more complex than that.

No, actually it is this simple:

 Do you keep your word or not?

She took a vow before God to her spouse. It is that simple.

She has two children, does she love them?

Tearing apart their family isn’t love. It is that simple.