Wife Admits Affair with a Woman - What Do I Do?

[BlueEyedLady]

Save the evidence of the affair–text messages, etc. Infidelity is a good reason for divorce, and if you can prove it in court, you’re on much better footing.

It seems pretty clear that she has you wound around her little finger and can do what she wants. You have two options–let her do what she wants, or walk away. Keep in mind that your kids might be harmed more by a toxic adulterous marriage than a clean divorce.

Document it every time she brings this person around your children and what occurs when she does. Do NOT embellish, but document. That will go along way towards ensuring that the children end up in a healthy custody/visitation agreement.

 

[Groo]

This is again bad advice. If he wants to start separating finances, he needs to get an attorney and move forward the legal way. Cutting her off financially, causing her to miss car payments, or trying to make her “earn her keep” is going to hurt him. If she gets a lawyer he could face stiff legal penalties. (And that plan of tying her finances to chores is going to make him look like a controlling slave driver. No judge will be ok with that.)

That’s why there is such a thing as ‘marital assets’, so that the person earning the money doesn’t have more power.

Yeah, he may owe some additional money, but so what? Isn’t a man’s family worth figbting for? The OP is enabling his wife to commit mortal sin. And what kind of example is he setting for the kids by standing there while his wife runs over him?

Somehow he needs to get her attention and words aren’t doing it. There is a time when a man has to say, ‘damn the torpedo’s’ and fight!

I mean, what are the alternatives? Initiate a divorce that you know will hurt everyone. Or take that slim chance that by some drastic actions you get her attention and she stops - saving the family. Sure it’s risky, but we’re talking about his wife’s soul and family. They are worth the risk.

 

[robertmidwest]

This is really dangerous advice, please don’t do this. The breadwinner is not the one who is paying for the education or the cellphone, the family is. And the courts will recognize that she has equal access to those resources until divorce or legal separation occurs. Deciding to restrict who she can and cannot talk to on her phone is going to be viewed as controlling at best, abusive at worst and it will make the judge very suspicious about what’s going on.

This isn’t just the cell phone. He can’t kick her out of her home, hide money or resources, or try to prevent her from meeting her basic needs.

Exactly!!! Talk to a professional before you do anything. This is exactly what I meant. Every move you do make could not come up in a hearing in the future.

 

[Sunbreak]

Dear GoPokes01,
Your story is very similar to that of my cousin. He was 34 years old, had been married 13 years and had 3 children when his wife revealed that she had an affair with another woman. I don’t think anyone can give you an easy answer because there isn’t one and the usual pat answers may not be helpful. I can tell you that after he found out, my cousin questioned everything he believed in about the way things “should” be. I can also tell you that 30 years after this happened, they are still married and are close to each other. They did go through counseling together and both tried to communicate better and tried to understand each other. So, I think there is hope for your family even though it may not seem so right now.

 

[GoPokes01]

I visited with a priest yesterday, it was very nice to discuss with him. On his advice, I went to my wife last night for a big talk. I was going to emphasize the importance of fidelity, trust, and commitment. Remind her that I am doing all the above, and she is not. I was going to get her commitment, and try to salvage our marriage together.
The conversation went another way. She advised me that she is relatively certain that she is a lesbian / is gay. She realizes that she owes it to herself and to me to not be married to me if this is indeed the case. She feels that she’s always kind of known, but this relationship is proving it. She’s about 2 months in to this life changing idea, and is asking for my patience while she better understands all of this. She is one of my oldest friends (20+ years). We did a lot of talking and crying last night.
At this point, I greatly fear that our marriage is over. And what that’s going to look like in the coming months. I’m very scared and sad for our kids, and how this will effect them. They are only 6 yrs old…
I appreciate everyone’s responses here, this is a great forum. I ask that you pray for my family as we go forward. Please pray specifically for my sons.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m so sorry. I’ll pray for all of you, especially the kids.

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Please don’t make a single move regarding your marriage before you get a lawyer.

 

[PaulinVA]

No, she is a middle-aged person who thinks that thrill of a new partner is better than the love of a faithful husband.

Yeah, there are times we would all wonder what it would be like. I truly don’t get gay/lesbian/bisexual people who think the normal rules don’t apply to them. The wife is married. End of story.

So, apart from any epiphany she has had about her attraction of women - does she want to stay married or not? If not, end it.

 

[robertmidwest]

God bless you and again I am sorry for what you are going through.

What exactly did your wife mean by “asking for your patience while she better understands all of this?”

I can understand as her husband that you would support her during a rough patch, that is good. However I am concerned that your wife expects you to sit at home alone and lonely with the children while she continues to go out to bars with her girlfriend and make out in the bathroom. Is that her idea of “better understanding all of this?” Wanting to better understand and figure out her sexuality is understandable, but she is not going to do that drunk and by a toilet. She needs to be sober and get professional intervention to figure out her path in life. Please sit down with her and ask her exactly what she expects from you, and when you are ready, tell her exactly what you are willing to give.

If you are willing to wait and be supportive and sleep in separate bedrooms while she sees a professional that is fine, but I would tell her that the affair has to stop now, or she needs to find an apartment on her own. How humiliating and awful to sit at home while your wife goes on dates, she is indeed a cruel person. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be assured of my prayers.

My thoughts and opinions are very similar to this poster’s.

I agree that if she want to continue this she need to be the one moving out, but that opinionis only a feeling and may not help later down the road. If it comes down to her refusing to end the affair then talk to a lawyer before making any requests in living arraingments. What you ask for and how you ask for it needs to be carefully planned and documented.

A side note: Do not tell her that you are seeking advice on an internet forum.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The conversation went another way. She advised me that she is relatively certain that she is a lesbian / is gay. She realizes that she owes it to herself and to me to not be married to me if this is indeed the case. She feels that she’s always kind of known, but this relationship is proving it. She’s about 2 months in to this life changing idea, and is asking for my patience while she better understands all of this.

Ridiculous and utterly selfish. She made her marriage vows to you, for better or for worse, until death do us part. She doesn’t get to walk out because she suddenly decides that she’s attracted to another person, anymore than you would get to walk out if you suddenly decided that you were attracted to, say, a female co-worker. Didn’t you say that she is Catholic? Does she not believe in the church’s teaching on marriage and fidelity? (not to mention the sinfulness of adultery, and homosexual actions). Someone needs to tell her this and tell her that she is being incredibly selfish, and will break the hearts of her husband and children if she doesn’t stop this foolishness right now.

She’s about 2 months in to this life changing idea, and is asking for my patience while she better understands all of this.

If this means that she would like you to sit at home while she continues the fling with the girlfriend, then no, that is absolutely not acceptable. I would tell her that the affair ends now, and that you have more self-respect than to sit back and watch while your wife flaunts an affair in your face. Have you asked her point-blank: Does she want to be married to you or not? Does she want to break her marriage vows and ruin the lives of her family? Does she not care that she is putting her soul in grave danger? If so, then there is nothing to “better understand” about this; she is willing to destroy her marriage and children over this.

So, so sad.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

If you are willing to wait and be supportive and sleep in separate bedrooms while she sees a professional that is fine, but ** I would tell her that the affair has to stop now, or she needs to find an apartment on her own.** How humiliating and awful to sit at home while your wife goes on dates, she is indeed a cruel person. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be assured of my prayers.

Exactly.

PaulinVA:

I truly don’t get gay/lesbian/bisexual people who think the normal rules don’t apply to them. The wife is married. End of story

And exactly.

 

[henpecked]

This is really dangerous advice, please don’t do this. The breadwinner is not the one who is paying for the education or the cellphone, the family is. And the courts will recognize that she has equal access to those resources until divorce or legal separation occurs. Deciding to restrict who she can and cannot talk to on her phone is going to be viewed as controlling at best, abusive at worst and it will make the judge very suspicious about what’s going on.

This isn’t just the cell phone. He can’t kick her out of her home, hide money or resources, or try to prevent her from meeting her basic needs.

and the family is funding her little love trysts and underwear and outings and whatever expenses she is incurring playing around with the other married woman. Not defending hiding money or cutting off money or anything; however, the OP should especially now be keeping very good financial records around the family budget and what money is going where.

 

[LokisMom]

I visited with a priest yesterday, it was very nice to discuss with him. On his advice, I went to my wife last night for a big talk. I was going to emphasize the importance of fidelity, trust, and commitment. Remind her that I am doing all the above, and she is not. I was going to get her commitment, and try to salvage our marriage together.
The conversation went another way. She advised me that she is relatively certain that she is a lesbian / is gay. She realizes that she owes it to herself and to me to not be married to me if this is indeed the case. She feels that she’s always kind of known, but this relationship is proving it. She’s about 2 months in to this life changing idea, and is asking for my patience while she better understands all of this. She is one of my oldest friends (20+ years). We did a lot of talking and crying last night.
At this point, I greatly fear that our marriage is over. And what that’s going to look like in the coming months. I’m very scared and sad for our kids, and how this will effect them. They are only 6 yrs old…
I appreciate everyone’s responses here, this is a great forum. I ask that you pray for my family as we go forward. Please pray specifically for my sons.

Can you ask her if she’s able to put that aside for the children and keep her promise of loyalty to the marriage? Just because shes lesbian doesnt mean she has to act on it and tear her family and marriage apart. Does she understand that? Praying for all of you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

and the family is funding her little love trysts and underwear and outings and whatever expenses she is incurring playing around with the other married woman. Not defending hiding money or cutting off money or anything; however, the OP should especially now be keeping very good financial records around the family budget and what money is going where.

Yes, absolutely. And if this lifestyle is affecting the family’s financial well-being, then the courts definitely want that documented.

In divorce, the courts don’t care who started behaving poorly first. All they want to do is split property and make the best arrangements possible for the children. If the judge is presented with an adulterous spouse and a spouse who is exhibiting red flags of abuse, control, or manipulation, the adulterous spouse will look better every time. The judge won’t care that what he did was in response to her (because she’ll claim he was controlling first) the judge just wants things settled.

He can’t control his wife’s behavior, but he can demonstrate that be is more responsible, stable, and devoted to the childrens’ well-being than she is.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Save the evidence of the affair–text messages, etc. Infidelity is a good reason for divorce, and if you can prove it in court, you’re on much better footing.

It seems pretty clear that she has you wound around her little finger and can do what she wants. You have two options–let her do what she wants, or walk away. Keep in mind that your kids might be harmed more by a toxic adulterous marriage than a clean divorce.

The courts don’t care about the affair or infidelity if it’s a no fault state. The reason you are breaking up does not matter. There could have been serial affairs documented with text messages, video, notarized with multiple witnesses. It doesn’t matter.

Most states in the US, like California-- don’t care about the living arrangements of an ex-spouse, whether they’re living with someone and having sex whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual is irrelavant to the court. The court doesn’t care, this wouldn’t affect custody in California---- THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO GET A LAWYER AND NOT LISTEN TO FOLKS ON THE INTERNET ABOUT LEGAL ISSUES—even those of us who have been through the separation/divorce grinder. Some jurisdictions will allow a codicil in a divorce agreement with a ‘morals’ clause regarding the kids-- i.e. no custody if they’re living with someone, or having someone spend the night-- some jurisdictions won’t allow them, or won’t honor them even if they are in the agreement. Again-- lawyers not internet advisers for this kind of thing.

If your goal is trying to keep your marriage together, than it is solid advice to avoid actions which will seen to be petty or vindictive as they are not likely to achieve the goal of reconciliation. If your goal is reconciliaiton, you need to act like the man she married but you must insist on respect-- which is completely lacking in the current situation.

You’ve received very good advice contradicting mine regarding the phone. I tend to believe it wouldn’t count against you since you’ve done nothing to prohibit or interefere with her running around and meeting this woman. You’re continuing to support her education. You haven’t been monitoring her phone or communications, you’re simply stating it will no longer be paid for out of community funds. I see the funds she’s expending on this affair as coming from the family. Every cent is coming from money that could be used for things you need or would like to provide for your kids.

Of course, as many of my compatriots found out-- if the other party expends all the community funds on their own partying-- the court may not really care. I know many men whose wives emptied the accounts, ran up the bills, moved in with someone and the husband was still expected to pay all the bills. The wife claiming she’d spent it all…

Courts, again lawyer, do tend to take into account if one party appears to have been concealing assets.

Which is why I think separation is a logical way to go, with you keeping custody and taking care of the kids. She becomes responsible for her own bills out of whatever stipend she gets vice it coming from the kids money. That arrangement for the separation being covered by a legal agreement you create via a lawyer or mediator which specifically declares the date that you are no longer responsible for each other’s debts, and provides a guarantee of her access to the kids so you can’t pull a fast one/vindictive move with custody.

 

[Book_Worm]

It has been my experience, regarding my friends who faced an adulterous situation and people I know on line who did, that a spouse who voluntarily confesses to an affair has already decided to leave the marriage. Often, though not always, asking for time to think the situation through means they are using that time to get their ducks in a row. You need to do the same.

It would be in your best interests to see a lawyer immediately and find out what you should be doing NOW to strengthen your legal position.

I am the child of divorce and vowed that is something I would never do a child of mine, so I don’t give this advice easily. However, people seldom realize how hard a divorce is on everyone involved, even the person who decides to leave the marriage; there are no “winners” in the divorce game. Perhaps when your DW learns exactly how her life and that of her children will change is she ends the marriage, she might re-think her position.

I have a friend who wanted to move five miles to an area with a cost of living. Even though the move would have meant her ex was physically closer to their DD, the courts would not allow an out-of-state move when her ex objected to it.

 

[Kal2012]

It has been my experience, regarding my friends who faced an adulterous situation and people I know on line who did, that a spouse who voluntarily confesses to an affair has already decided to leave the marriage. Often, though not always, asking for time to think the situation through means they are using that time to get their ducks in a row. You need to do the same.

It would be in your best interests to see a lawyer immediately and find out what you should be doing NOW to strengthen your legal position.

I am the child of divorce and vowed that is something I would never do a child of mine, so I don’t give this advice easily. However, people seldom realize how hard a divorce is on everyone involved, even the person who decides to leave the marriage; there are no “winners” in the divorce game. Perhaps when your DW learns exactly how her life and that of her children will change is she ends the marriage, she might re-think her position.
.

This is very true. Also, sometimes being separated really does help a couple work out their issues and they get back together.

However, it’s time to be practical and start creating envisioning a future for your kids w/o mom being in the household.

If she wants to be gay, then let her “be gay” and figure her stuff out outside your family’s house. Help her put a timeline together as to when she’ll be out of the house and let her know that you still love her, but aren’t going to live like this anymore. A lot of hard decisions are going to have to be made now because you will be a single father.

Will you have to downsize your home? Will you have to cut back expenses to help mom get established in a new place while she’s looking for a job? Will she get to stay in the house while she’s looking for a job to support herself? Do you have help from your parents or will you need day care?

Help the kids understand that your relationship with mom is changing, but their relationship with mom will always be the same. Mom will always love them, etc.

I don’t mean to sound cold, but these situations are just awful no matter what. Keep talking to the priest and getting counseling so you can be a good dad to those kids. Don’t be ashamed if you need to take some anti-depressants to get through some of this. Don’t be ashamed for grieving this loss and this change in your life. Just keep doing what you need to do to protect your family and the kids. Lean on your friends and family for support. God’s got your back. It’s not going to be easy. I wish I could say that it was.

 

[Aggie414]

The courts don’t care about the affair or infidelity if it’s a no fault state. The reason you are breaking up does not matter. There could have been serial affairs documented with text messages, video, notarized with multiple witnesses. It doesn’t matter.

Most states in the US, like California-- don’t care about the living arrangements of an ex-spouse, whether they’re living with someone and having sex whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual is irrelavant to the court. The court doesn’t care, this wouldn’t affect custody in California---- THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO GET A LAWYER AND NOT LISTEN TO FOLKS ON THE INTERNET ABOUT LEGAL ISSUES—even those of us who have been through the separation/divorce grinder. Some jurisdictions will allow a codicil in a divorce agreement with a ‘morals’ clause regarding the kids-- i.e. no custody if they’re living with someone, or having someone spend the night-- some jurisdictions won’t allow them, or won’t honor them even if they are in the agreement. Again-- lawyers not internet advisers for this kind of thing.

If your goal is trying to keep your marriage together, than it is solid advice to avoid actions which will seen to be petty or vindictive as they are not likely to achieve the goal of reconciliation. If your goal is reconciliaiton, you need to act like the man she married but you must insist on respect-- which is completely lacking in the current situation.

You’ve received very good advice contradicting mine regarding the phone. I tend to believe it wouldn’t count against you since you’ve done nothing to prohibit or interefere with her running around and meeting this woman. You’re continuing to support her education. You haven’t been monitoring her phone or communications, you’re simply stating it will no longer be paid for out of community funds. I see the funds she’s expending on this affair as coming from the family. Every cent is coming from money that could be used for things you need or would like to provide for your kids.

Of course, as many of my compatriots found out-- if the other party expends all the community funds on their own partying-- the court may not really care. I know many men whose wives emptied the accounts, ran up the bills, moved in with someone and the husband was still expected to pay all the bills. The wife claiming she’d spent it all…

Courts, again lawyer, do tend to take into account if one party appears to have been concealing assets.

Which is why I think separation is a logical way to go, with you keeping custody and taking care of the kids. She becomes responsible for her own bills out of whatever stipend she gets vice it coming from the kids money. That arrangement for the separation being covered by a legal agreement you create via a lawyer or mediator which specifically declares the date that you are no longer responsible for each other’s debts, and provides a guarantee of her access to the kids so you can’t pull a fast one/vindictive move with custody.

CAVEAT: I am NOT a lawyer. But some states, even if they are a no fault state can have other grounds for divorce presented. I live in Texas and if grounds of adultery are pled, it can lead to a disproportionate division of the marital estate. The OP needs to get legal advice specific to his state so he can make informed decisions on what will best protect his sons.

 

[styrgwillidar]

CAVEAT: I am NOT a lawyer. But some states, even if they are a no fault state can have other grounds for divorce presented. I live in Texas and if grounds of adultery are pled, it can lead to a disproportionate division of the marital estate. The OP needs to get legal advice specific to his state so he can make informed decisions on what will best protect his sons.

What Aggie 414 said.

 

[Dorothy]

If you wife is indeed adamant about where she stands, then in the long run you and your dear children will be better off without her in the picture.

Prayer for yourself, and the sacraments, and prayer for her will help during this difficult time. Only the Lord can give us the grace we need to make difficult decisions and stay on the right path.

May the Lord and his Holy Mother be with you in this trying time.

 

[styrgwillidar]

.
…
Mom will always love them, etc.
…

Sorry, I disagree. You can no longer speak for their Mom’s feelings and intentions. Don’t even try, if you separate/divorce it is your job to stay out of their relationship. It is not your job to give them false assurances, just as it isn’t your job to denigrate or cast doubt on their mother’s motives or abilities. It will be your job to be as neutral as you can possibly be and let them establish their own relationship. My vouching for their mother’s feelings prior to separation is the one thing my children hold against me even now.

You do need to try and portray this as being between you and her and not about them at all. But you have a problem…

Kids are pretty basic, they understand lying, they do understand promises, they do understand keeping your word. They also are free of all the 20yrs of experience, filters, memories and feelings that you have towards their Mom which color/cloud your thinking and experiences. They are free of your hopes about the future. At 6, they probably understand the concept that marriage is supposed to be permanent, that involves a vow to love forever, and that vow is being broken. They will consider that if a vow can be broken that a parent chose to make towards someone, if love is temporary, what assurance do they have of a person’s love towards them? Someone the parent didn’t choose to make a vow to? Tell them all you want to, but a divorce is concrete evidence to children that words are meaningless. Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.

They will judge you and their mother almost solely on your actions. Through her actions she will demonstrate to them how she actually feels, and they will resent you interfering or making excuses. Stay out of it. Support her time with them, regardless of their opinion or feelings towards their mother, they will want a relationship with her. But do not speak for or against her. Let them have a relationship based on their own assessment of her.